8 1.8

The hours passed speedily and before I knew it, it was my birthday! Somehow, the candles and the torches all seemed brighter than before, and the flames seemed to be dancing too, not just casting still, eerie shadows on the walls. From my window, I could see plenty of people, nobles and servants alike, dressed in bright, cheerful colors. I smiled and turned to Patrina who was preparing my white, satin birthday dress bedecked with onyx stones then. She smiled back and told me cheerily, "And the people all say that you would be the only person not dressed colorfully, but your personality is colorful enough to compensate, your Highness." She grinned cheekily and went back to preparing my gown.

I peered in the mirror and saw a high-cheekboned, purple-eyed, serious teenager. How in the world did I have a colorful personality?

Lada appeared behind me in the mirror then, holding a makeup palette and a brush. "Your Highness?" I spun and smiled at Lada. "How are you this morning?"

"Better than I was yesterday, Tsesarevna. Not that much pain to lug around," she answered.

I must have frowned without knowing because Lada told me to "cheer up or I wouldn't be able to apply your makeup without you looking like a clown", and I readily complied. No self-respecting crown princess wanted to celebrate their birthday looking like a fool.

Lada dabbed black lipstick on my lips and black eyeshadow on my eyelids—according to the royal dress code, this was supposedly how I was supposed to dress on my birthday, so I went along with it. Besides, I usually wore black makeup on the rare occasions that I wandered out of the palace, so it wasn't like no one had seen me like this before.

When Lada was done, she stepped back and smacked her lips in satisfaction. "My, my, my… Tsesarevna, you look rather terrifying, if I may so myself. I've done quite a good job—look in the mirror, please?" I happily obliged to see a… well, terrifying face. Lada had drawn 3 long black slashes on each cheek from my bottom eyelids down—on top of doing my eyeshadow and having my lips painted black—and I was getting rather scared of my own reflection in the mirror, which was a good thing. I smiled at myself and bared my teeth, looking very much like a bloodthirsty queen, which I wasn't, but appearances are important, and if I went around with people thinking I was soft… well, that just wouldn't do.

I stood up from the stool in front of the mirror and walked over to Patrina to wear my dress. Once the last button had been buttoned behind me, I turned to grab my crown, but Peter was already holding it out for me. I dipped my head in thanks and slid the silver kokoshnik decked with a dark emerald and smaller sapphire pieces onto my head. I adjusted my high collar and arranged my skirt before turning to Peter and my ladies-in-waiting.

"How do I look, Mister and Madams?" I spread my arms and Peter chuckled.

"Definitely the look of someone no one would dare to cross, your Highness." Peter nodded sagely to himself and turned to Patrina and Lada. "Well, ladies? What do you say?"

Patrina widened her eyes. "If you weren't my mistress, I'd have run away from here and prayed that you didn't see me." We all chuckled at that. "Seriously speaking though, the purple of your eyes are very well-emphasized. You look amazing, your Highness."

Lada stepped forward to adjust my collar. "You look very well-put-together, but I think you'd look even better with an emerald necklace around your neck to match your crown, your Highness." Lada moved away to find the necklace she was talking about and came back in a minute holding up an emerald and onyx stone necklace that Mama had given me three years ago on my 15th birthday. I hadn't wanted to wear it then because I found the necklace too precious to wear, but the way it sparkled in the sunlight was so beautiful that I took the necklace from Lada and adjusted it around my neck.

When I was done, I looked up. "And now?" Lada nodded approvingly. "You look lovely, your Highne-" A shout from somewhere outside the room cut her off.

"Make way for her Imperial Majesty, Tsarina Krysovenko!" A gruff voice hollered down the corridor and soon, the doors to my room swung open to reveal Mama dressed in a scarlet dress and wearing a crown adorned with rubies.

She smiled warmly at me and then stepped through the doorway. Mama held out her hand for me to kiss before she gestured to Lady Tatiana, who had followed Mama into my room. She curtsied and handed Mama a gold scroll holder, which Mama gave me. "A little birdie told me about your recent and if I dare say't, healthy obsession with poetry. I have commissioned the Kingdom's best poet to write 3 poems for your birthday," Mama said, before stepping closer and whispered in my ear, "Some say that he had requested for the Slyevskiy to bless this scroll for you."

I raised my brows and opened the scroll holder to reveal a pristine piece of rolled-up parchment. Handing the scroll holder to Patrina, I unrolled the parchment to reveal 3 poems indeed:

//Reflection is to contemplate on your soul and

as a person, know what your purpose is. There's

no deeper connection to self than realising

what you were born for, and knowing

how to fulfill that obligation.//

//People can aid thee

Or comfort thee

But they cannot wear your crown of thorns

Nor can they bear thy cross

Or drive your chariot of thorns

For you.//

//Literature embodies the soul

Art mirrors your basic values

and shows you how true you are

If not to others, then to yourself.//

I read through each of the poetry, my mind analyzing each poem on autopilot. Each poem had a host of hidden words behind each line yet to be discovered, and I loved all 3. It was the best birthday present I ever received in 18 years and I had all intentions of keeping this parchment in the state I received it in. I smiled and handed the scroll over to Patrina for her to put back in the scroll holder before kissing Mama on the cheek. "Thank you for this wonderful gift, Mama," I beamed at her, "I wouldn't know if it was blessed but I do know I love it very much."

Mama chuckled and held me by my shoulders, looking me up and down. "You look rather—" "Terrifying?" I pointed at Patrina. Mama laughed heartily as she shook her head. "I was going to say that you look very queenly, but I suppose terrifying does work too." She took my hand. "Shall we? Everyone is waiting for you in the banquet hall."

I squinted. "We're celebrating my birthday in the banquet hall?"

Mama shook her head. "We're merely having breakfast there, but literally everyone would be present." She winced. "Potential assassins included, so just be careful."

I nodded slowly in acknowledgment. "So… where's my birthday celebrated?"

Mama brushed a lock of hair away from my face. "Your favorite Winter Garden, of course. Your father insisted on it, even though the Head Gardener was rather upset about the possibility of all his lovely plants being trodded on—" I giggled at that. I remembered that there was this one time where one of the Duchesses' ladies-in-waiting had plucked a bunch of roses from the Garden and earned a long earful in return from the Head Gardener, and no one had dared venture near the Winter Garden for days afterward.

I shook myself out of my reverie and turned back to glance at Patrina who had placed the parchment in the scroll holder which was now on my table. Lada already had her hands folded in front of her and she nodded slightly at me to signal that she was ready, as did Peter. Turning to Mama, I gave a firm nod. "Let's go, Mama." I glided out of my room, followed closely by Mama and all our ladies-in-waiting and servants.

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Breakfast was a merry affair, with the poor servers much busier than usual. People seemed to develop a huge appetite each time someone celebrated something, which I found hilarious. People who barely ate a pinch of salt during normal days were suddenly asking for pickled this and pickled that. Perhaps it was the infectious enthusiasm which everyone passed from one person to another; perhaps it was to show happiness for the person whom the event was for, or maybe it was something else altogether, but I was happy to be feasting on my birthday together with the rest of the court. After all, great joy should be shared, right?

The moment the last platter meant for breakfast was cleared away, the whole crowd moved as one to the Winter Garden, with Papa, Mama, my brothers, our ladies-in-waiting and servants, and me at the head of the whole group. The garden was decorated with garden gnomes—garden gnomes?—and there were corners of the garden that held different surprises in store, including an archery range draped in a whole lot of vines. Not surprisingly, however, quite a few people were already flocking to the range to have friendly competitions against each other. I smiled to myself. Seeing others have fun made me feel lighter inside too, and I almost—almost—forgot all about Lada and the needles until I felt her stumble behind me.

I spun around and held her. "Lada?"

She shook her head. "I'm fine, Tsesarevna." She forced a smile that turned down at the corners and took a deep breath that seemed to hurt. "Shall we proceed, your Highness?" Lada gestured. I squinted at her for a moment before walking forward again, this time more slowly so that Lada wouldn't overexert herself.

I couldn't hold myself back when I saw the fighting pen, however. The fighting pen was basically a miniaturized version of the typical arena, with just enough space for two fighters to move around comfortably. The audience had to stand or sit outside the pen for their own safety, except I had no idea we were supposed to keep a distance from the pen, and I almost got my nose sliced off. After that, Patrina refused to let me go near the pen again, or "your whole face would be unrecognizable by the end of the day".

The cheery festives carried on into the late afternoon, which was when people started heading under the red oak trees and somehow, picnic baskets full of all sorts of delicacies seemed to start appearing from under the women's cloaks or shawls. As I strolled around the garden admiring the beautiful plants and excitedly pointing out different creatures to practically anyone who crossed my path, I was made to have a quick lunch with quite a few groups of picnickers and was rewarded with happy smiles for my time. I chuckled to myself as I realized I rarely got to see so many people truly smile in a day.

After a couple of hours, I started to feel my legs getting sore and I motioned discreetly to my ladies-in-waiting and Peter for them to follow me as I trudged to my secret spot in the Garden where it was absolutely serene and free from humans other than the four of us. Sighing in relief, I sat down on a rock and propped my chin on my hand, and my ladies-in-waiting and Peter settled at my feet.

"I've never seen people so cheery at my birthday parties like this before. I wonder why, Patrina? Oh, and so much for people being terrified," I grinned.

Patrina chuckled. "Probably because they know that you're going to be Tsarina soon. And as for being scary… I guess you weren't being scary enough." She grinned as she said the last sentence and I punched her arm playfully.

"How dare you, Patrina, how dare you—" I clucked my tongue at her in mock disapproval. Lada rolled her eyes at Patrina and Patrina grinned back at her before reaching around a nearby tree trunk for a picnic basket which she plonked right in the middle of our little group.

"Why does everyone seem to have at least a picnic basket? I don't remember anyone bringing any baskets or food of any sort in here." I asked Peter.

He shrugged. "I wouldn't know for sure, Tsesarevna, but the servants probably hid the baskets all over the Garden for us to find and in case anyone wanted refreshments while frolicking out here," he replied, and as if on cue, I heard the sound of people singing drift through the air. Night was gradually beginning to set upon the Garden and the moons would rise again—the perfect atmosphere for folk songs to be sung. I had no intention of joining in because I knew full well that I couldn't sing [and I had refused to take singing classes, unlike the other girls, not that Mama would ever let me], and I felt it was more relaxing to just enjoy and listen to the nobles' merrymaking. Patrina, Lada, and Peter seemed to agree because they were either leaning on rocks or laying down on the grass.

As an accordion played a catchy tune, Peter sat up from where he laid on the grass and asked softly, "If you had a choice to not be Tsarina, what would you do?"

I looked away from the pond that I was gazing at and stared at him with an eyebrow raised. Peter dipped his head in remorse. "I'm sorry for asking, your Highness… I was just curious as to what your actions might be. I wasn't suggesting that you'd have thoughts of malicious intent, even though that's how it sounded."

I gave a soft sigh. "It's fine, Peter, you don't have to apologize. I just wasn't expecting the question, is all." I shifted on the rock and thought for a few moments before saying, "I would run away from the palace and start afresh as a commoner. As a noble, being somewhere in the middle of the palace hierarchy is the worst place you can be. At least as a commoner, you won't need to worry about all the drama. Might be a harder life, but at least I would die without fearing I might be cut down by my own siblings."

Peter nodded and said, "I can see why you would think that way, Tsesarevna. If I were a noble, I would do that too. I've been here for slightly longer than you've been alive, and I've seen enough horrors around to know that the palace is just a front for a bottomless pit of worries. I'm sure Patrina and Lada can both attest to that, your Highness."

I stared into space and mulled over what he said. Miss Aberbach was right. The servants knew more than the nobility thought they did, and Peter proved her point excellently. The palace was a bottomless pit, full of traps on your way down. And if the traps didn't kill you, the fall surely would.

"Tsesarevna? A cookie for your thoughts?" Lada's voice tugged me back to reality. I started and reached for the chocolate cookie she handed me and bit into it. A smile broke out on my face almost immediately at the chocolate warmth that spread from my mouth throughout my whole body, washing my worries away. Now, this was the ultimate manifestation of bliss—well-baked cookies with rich dark chocolate fillings inside. I relaxed and slid down from the rock I sat on onto the grass beside my ladies-in-waiting and Peter. I was going to make sure I relaxed and enjoyed myself as much as I could tonight.