5 1.5

When I stepped back out of the dungeon, Mama, Adrian, and Pytor crowded me. "What did Andrei say, Yul?" Adrian blurted. Mama and Pytor stared at me carefully and I shrugged. "Nothing I didn't already know, Adri. Mama told me something similar a while back already." I paused and looked from face to face. "Why?"

Mama eyed me. "You sure that was all he said?" I nodded. Pytor rolled his eyes. "Did you even bother to check if Andrei was lying?" he drawled out. "If what Andrei said matched up with what Mama said, then he can't be lying. Either that, or both Mama and Andrei are lying; we all know Mama refuses to tell an untruth." I snapped at Pytor. "Look, let's just say Andrei was telling the truth—if he was, we're all in deep trouble, and squabbling amongst ourselves is just silly."

Pytor huffed. "What do you suggest we do then, O great Tsarevna?" He scoffed, his words bridled with sarcasm.

I rolled my eyes at him. "I think it over and you three give me peace in the meantime." I retorted and dragged Mama away to a small alcove in the hallway. "Mama, I…" I began.

Mama brushed stray strands of hair from my face. "What is it, sweetheart?"

I started tearing up. "I don't really know what I'm doing anymore, Mama. I'm lost; I need your help." My voice trembled as I sniffled at her. Mama smiled and reached up to gently brush away the teardrops that rolled down my cheeks slowly.

"Are you confused about your father?" Mama asked. I watched Adrian and Pytot walking back to my room from the corner of my eye. I nodded slowly.

"I don't know what's the truth about him anymore, Mama. You say one thing and Pytor says another." I began but was almost immediately cut off by Mama.

"Do you not believe what you said just a while ago?" She interjected.

"I want to, Mama, I really do, but without proof-" I shrugged and looked down at my leather boots. "I don't know."

Mama gave a sigh. "Sweetheart, you need to learn to stop doubting yourself and start believing in yourself instead." She cupped my cheeks and continued, "Remember how your father, on our wedding ceremony, swore that I would be the only woman he would ever be with, and that for me, he would be the first Emperor to not have a harem?"

I squinted at her. "He did?"

Mama gave a sad chuckle. "That was ages ago. Now? I'm not the only woman he's fallen in love with. And all that whilst we both still wear our wedding rings."

I stared in shock at her. "H-he lied to you?" She nodded. "Oh, Mama—I'm so sorry-" I hugged her tightly as she said, "If he could do that to his own Tsarina, imagine what he could do to other people. He could be lying to every single person in this palace for all we know and we'd be none the wiser." Mama swallowed. "Slyev knows what damage he has wrought on us all." Mama turned her head away from me, her scarlet-red lips trembling ever so slightly.

"Mama, I-I understand. Thank you for helping me decide what to-" I began, but was cut off by the dinner gong. I glanced at Mama. "Mama, we should get changed and ready for dinner." She nodded and stepped out from the alcove into the hallway to head back to her room. As she walked away, she looked back at me one last time and gave me a dark look before hurrying away, her eyes drowned in sorrow and buried in shadow.

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Dinner passed by in a blur of time and a flurry of activity, throughout which Mama didn't speak a single word to anyone, despite Papa and a few nobles' attempts to strike up a conversation with her. I still remember her picking at her food and barely drinking a sip or two of her Earl Grey tea. Why wasn't she eating much? Was it because of what I had discussed earlier with her? Had I upset her somehow without knowing? I started off dinner with a humongous appetite as usual, but seeing Mama so quiet [and possibly upset] drained me of hunger. I did try and persuade her to eat but to no avail, and she ended up leaving halfway through dinner with a mumbled excuse that she had errands to run and left the banquet hall, with her ladies-in-waiting following hot on her heels.

Seeing her like that worried me. Mama usually stayed till the end of meals and chatted with as many courtiers as she could before she retired to her room for the day. Leaving this early in the middle of dinner just wasn't her.

I hurriedly stuffed the last bite of cake into my mouth before hurrying out to look for Mama, leaving both my brothers behind in the banquet hall with Papa. It didn't take long for me to reach Mama's door. I stepped between the 2 guards and rapped once sharply on the door, waiting till I heard Lady Tatiana call out for me to come in. Not bothering to wait for the guards or the servants to push the door open, I barged through the doors to find Mama staring into blank space.

"Mama?" I called from where I stood. She didn't even turn.

I stepped forward and knelt beside her feet. "Mother?" She turned her head towards me and from the streaks of makeup running down her cheeks, I saw that she had been crying.

I reached for her hands that were clasped together in her lap. "What's wrong, Mama?" She bit her lips as if to stop herself from sobbing aloud and shook her head.

I stood up and gestured at the servants and ladies-in-waiting. "All of you, please leave. I need to talk to Mama alone."

The moment the last of them was gone, I dragged a stool over to sit beside Mama. "Mama, please. It hurts me to see you like this. I'm with you always, Mama… what's wrong?"

"I just r-realized that I don't know who to trust anymore, that there may be no one who's on my side anymore, that-" Mama finally answered, her voice breaking. I could feel a tear slip out of the corner of my eye.

"Mama, I'll always be on your side no matter what happens. I know for a fact that Lady Tatiana would give her life if that could save you from damnation." I consoled her, rubbing her back.

Mama gave a sniffle and dabbed at her cheeks with her handkerchief. "You're just saying that because you want me to help you secure your position as future Tsarina, isn't it?" She asked, her voice trembling. We both could hear the unspoken question that she left unsaid, but it was what Papa had done to his own mother when he became Emperor. 'Will you kill me when you're Tsarina?'

"Mama, you birthed me, you raised me, you shielded me—I wouldn't be alive without your motherly love. Only a fool and an absolute idiot would be foolish enough to kill the person who has loved and shielded him or her since the start of time." I took Mama's hands in my own. "And I'm not a fool, Mama. It's my filial duty to look after you, now that I'm a woman." I kissed her hands. I hoped she knew that my never-ending respect, love, and admiration for her could not be halted by anything, except…

"People change once power and wealth are in their hands, Tsarevna," Mama whispered and gently pushed my hands away. "I've seen my own husband do that. How will I know you won't too?"

"Mother," I began, and stood up, "Look at me. I've been filial to you, and I've never once disrespected or disobeyed you. Each time you fell sick, Slyev forbid that ever happen soon, I was the first to visit you. I pulled all-nighters to make sure you slept soundly because I couldn't trust the physician to do his job properly. I won't stop all that just because I'm the Tsarina." Knowing Mama, I half-expected my words to fall flat, but she nodded and wordlessly pulled me into a tight embrace. My head was buried in her shoulder, but I mumbled into her dress, "Mama, will you eat now?"

I heard her chuckle. "The dinner dishes were cleared long ago, I should expect."

I lifted my head up and grinned. "I did bring you a pastry or two from dinner—" I reached into my dress and dug out a package of 3 croissants, "—or 3; I'd have brought you cake except it'd have been squashed and you couldn't eat it—" Mama gave a small smile and unwrapped the package, nibbling on one of the croissants. "Call Lady Tatiana in, will you?" she mumbled through a mouthful of croissants.

I went to the door and poked my head out to call Lady Tatiana back in. "Lady Tatiana! Mama wants you back in!" I waited till I saw Lady Tatiana turn the corner before I started to head back into Mama's room, but I'd barely taken a step before Lady Tatiana grabbed my sleeve and pulled me back out. I widened my eyes in surprise.

"Is her Royal Highness alright?" Lady Tatiana asked, crinkles of worry lining her face.

I nodded. "Mama's much better now. She wanted to see you, though, so you'd better hurry—" I began, and Lady Tatiana dashed past me into the room. I smiled. Lady Tatiana would truly do anything to make sure Mama wasn't upset.

Knowing Mama was in good hands for the night, I headed back to my own room, where I was greeted by my 2 ladies-in-waiting, Patrina and Lada. My bath was ready and I was undressed, though I was in and out of the bath in a jiffy so that it was possible for me to hit the pillows as soon as possible. I fell into a deep sleep with my ladies-in-waiting bidding me good night. Sleep had never felt more blissful then, knowing Mama was happy and at peace then.