12 1.12

The very next day, I headed straight to the altar room in the palace located near the throne room. It was my first time stepping foot inside the altar room in 20 years of my existence and quite frankly, I was expecting to see a whole lot of priests bustling about but to my pleasant surprise, it was just a priest and me in the room for now. The air smelt of sandalwood and a flowery scent followed right behind the scent of the incense. My worries seemed to ebb away bit by bit as I stood in the entrance, watching the candle flames flicker ever so slightly now and then. I took a tentative step forward, and one step became ten which became twenty, until I stood right in front of the altar.

I clasped my hands in front of me and shut my eyes. I wasn't expecting any supernatural occurrences and they shouldn't occur—and they didn't. But I did pray and reflect, because it did give me solace even though I half doubted that anything of consequence would come from my prayers. The physicians' verdict on Papa's health was pretty much final—or so it had sounded—and I wouldn't be able to do anything to reverse his health in any way.

I wasn't sure how long I had knelt in front of the altar, lost in my thoughts, but I was sure that my peace was ruined when I heard feet pounding into the altar room. I spun around in annoyance just to see Lada running towards me frantically.

"Tse—Tsesarevna—" Lada said between pants.

I stood up. "Breath, and speak slowly, Lada. What happened?"

"His Majesty—" Lada barely got out two words before her shoulders started shaking.

"What happened to Papa?" I took a step forward and placed a hand on her shoulder. Lada took off running in reply, and I followed hot on her heels.

When Lada slowed down and I took notice of my surroundings, I realised she had led me to Papa's room. I stared at her, confused, and she gestured for me to enter the room.

I took a tentative step inside to see Mama bent over Papa's chest and crying her heart out, with her makeup streaming down her face. Oh, dear. This couldn't be good. Glancing around the room, I saw Adrian patting Andrei's back. I bit my lip and walked warily over to Papa's bed. No physicians were present and Papa looked… unnatural. His right hand lay stiffly by his side and his blanket was just too neat. His mouth and eyes were closed and his hair was neatly combed. Papa looked too perfect.

I walked up to the bed and gently took Papa's hand in mine. I blanched when I felt its deathly coldness. Oh, no, no, no. Not happening. I shook his hand gently and whispered, "Papa?"

No reply.

I let go of his hand and shook his shoulders. "Papa, this isn't funny. Papa? Papa. Please." I could hear my voice breaking but I wasn't going to stop till he woke up. "Papa! Papa, wake up, wake up—"

He didn't move. Not an inch.

I took a deep breath, and grab the hand mirror that Papa always kept on his bedside table, and placed it near his nose. If he was still alive, there'd be steam on the mirror's surface… except there was none. I dropped the mirror as I stared at Papa's unmoving body.

I couldn't remember what I did next, but I remember Lada telling me I had lurched forward and shook Papa's body for a good 10 minutes. I do remember the next part, however.

Mama reached over and placed her hand on mine as her shoulders shook and her lips trembled. "Sweetheart, he… he's gone." My heart stopped and my stomach dropped like a rock down a pit. Hearing her say it made it final. Papa was gone, and there was no bringing him back. I stared at her and I felt tears trickle down my cheeks, but I didn't bother wiping them away. The people would be happy to hear of his death, I thought, but no matter how horrible he was or how sinful his intentions were, he was still my father and in a way, I owed him what I had.

I felt my knees crumple and I sobbed into his blanket. I could feel Lada clutching my dress and wailing as well. I could feel my saliva lodging up in my throat and I struggled to breathe properly. I clutched Papa's hand until my fingers were numbed, and then clutched them some more. I didn't want him to go, and he shouldn't have gone. But the dead can't be reanimated, and I can't make Papa stand up and walk on his own again.

The revelation that Papa was totally and irreversibly gone hit me hard. I slowly stopped crying, but I slumped off his bed and onto the floor, leaning against the side of his bed and stared ahead in a blank daze. I could feel arms around me, but for the first time in ages, I just felt… lost. I hadn't known it, but Papa was part of my foundations, and I had just lost him like that. He wasn't even walking with a cane. A lonely tear slid down my cheek and dripped onto the floor, followed by another. Why?

"Yul?" A soft voice asked. I wiped my eyes and sniffled in reply.

"Теперь он покоится на небесах, Юл." The soft voice continued. It was Adrian. He now rests in heaven, Adri had said. Did he?

I shook my head. "Мы этого не знаем, Адри…" I whispered in reply. It was true, wasn't it? We wouldn't know if Papa was in hell or heaven, but Papa had passed, and that was the upsetting thing. I could have stayed beside him through the night to make sure he was alright—I should have, but I hadn't, and I didn't have the chance to try and alleviate his pain. My fingers trembled visibly with regret as I pushed myself up. Mama was still sobbing uncontrollably and shouting for Papa to wake up.

I stumbled over to Mama, and hugged her tightly. "Mama?"

Mama didn't turn, but she hugged me close to her bosom. I felt her heart pound and her chest heave with her sobs as her tears dripped on to my head. I wordlessly hugged her back and rubbed her back in a bid to comfort her. I glanced over to where Andrei and Adrian were, just to see them trudging out of the room, drained of energy and their usual cheer. I sighed and turned my attention back to Mama again.

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Within minutes, I could hear a huge commotion around the palace from Papa's room. I heard shouts and cries all at once, and it seemed to me that there was a mixture of people mourning for Papa's death as well as celebrating his passing with joy and glee. I understand why they felt that way, but it did not make me any less angry at those who were happy. At the very least, Papa was still human, and he had a family who actually were upset over his passing. I clenched my hands into fists even as I hugged Mama. I wanted so badly to shout at them, but Mama was still upset, and I didn't want to leave her alone with Papa's body. I helped Mama up and asked her, "Winter Garden?"

Mama wordlessly nodded, and I helped her up. Taking one last forlorn glance at Papa, I helped Mama out of the room and stumbled our way to the Garden.

When we reached the garden, I led Mama to my secret hiding spot. When I reached the pond and the rock, I turned to Mama, and clasped her hand tightly. "Don't tell anyone about this place, alright? This is the only place where I can run and hide from the bustle and hustle of the palace." Mama nodded and hugged me tightly before she sat down dejectedly on the rock and stared blankly at the pond. I sighed and sat beside her.

"What happens now, Mama?" I asked carefully. She looked at me, dazed. I swallowed.

After a moment of awkward silence, she replied, "You need to prepare his funeral. I—I'll help."

I stared at her carefully. "You sure?" She put her head in her hands. "I have to, as his wife. I don't have a choice, sweetheart."

I nodded and laid my head on her shoulder. Just as a frog hopped out of the water, the nearby bushes rustled and my eyes darted in towards the direction of the sound, just to see Lada and Patrina shove their way, panting, through the leaves and shrubbery.

"Your Royal Majesty—Tsesarevna—" Lada and Patrina curtsied and Mama gestured at them to stand.

I twisted my head to look at them. "What is it, Ladies?"

Lada and Patrina looked gravely at each other and then back at me. "The courtiers are causing a great clamor in the throne room, Tsesarevna. They want answers." I sighed in annoyance but Patrina continued, "Tsarevich Adrian is trying his best to answer their questions, but as he stated, and I quote, 'Tsesarevna Yulia is better suited to answer your queries, but I will answer your questions as best as I can in the meantime.'"

Lada shrugged. "You might as well just go now, Tsesarevna, before the courtiers start asking questions that your brother has trouble answering."

I grumbled and stood up. "Fine, I'm going. Lada, make sure Mama is alright, okay? Patrina, follow me to the throne room, please."