11 1.11

A year passed, then a year and a half, and I can assure you, it was a lengthy wait for something—anything of significance to happen. Nothing outright interesting or dramatic had happened other than Papa becoming even more tyrannical in that time, and if it weren't for Mama's rather timely intervention, most of the courtiers would have been sleeping in their graves by now. Ivan was still nowhere to be found, as Pytor was, but Andrei was released from the dungeons, and in the Thaindaer's words 'a rare miracle that a demon has granted us'.

When I was told the news, I was standing by the window, and if Patrina wasn't there to pull me back in, I'd have fallen out of the window in surprise. The day before, Papa had asked for a physician to come to his room, according to Peter and Mama, and both had reportedly overheard him saying that his chest felt rather tight and his left side was numb. The physician was somehow unable to pinpoint Papa's condition correctly, leading to…

"Tsesarevna, Her Royal Majesty, Tsarina Adelgunde, has urgently requested for your presence in the Emperor's bedchamber. You are to go at once, your Highness." A messenger had delivered the message at the door and I had a sinking feeling I knew what was about to happen.

I hitched up my dress and gestured wildly at Patrina for her to follow me. I ran helter-skelter out of my room and dashed all the way to Papa's bedroom. The doors swung wide open to admit Patrina and me.

The moment I stepped through, I screeched to a halt. Mama was crying by Papa's bedside, and Andrei and Adrian were standing by the foot of his bed, gesturing wildly at the two physicians that were there.

I stepped forward slowly and glanced at everyone. "What's going on, Mama?"

Mama raised a teary face. "Your father—he's dying, Yulia. He's dying."

I widened my eyes and dashed over. Papa looked to be in much agony, and he looked rather sallow. His eyes looked rather dead and his lips were peeling. When he spoke, his voice was barely more than just a whisper.

"Yulia… my dear daughter… you came—" Papa managed between coughs. Mama was rubbing his back.

I sighed. "Yes, Papa, I came, and so did your sons."

Papa was silent for a while. When he spoke again, it was with a tone of finality. "I'll be gone soon, and you'll have what you always wanted."

"What do you mean, Papa?"

"I meant the throne. You've been fighting with me so long for it and you finally won the battle. You must be very happy, yes?"

"The people would be happy, but I'd rather you left this world without pain—"

Papa gave a rather painful-sounding chuckle. "With all the things I did, dying without pain would be Slyev's mercy, but it seems he has none."

I shook my head. "If you didn't have mercy for others when you were still healthy, don't expect Slyev to show you any. It just doesn't work that way, Papa."

Papa hacked up a whole mouthful of bloody phlegm in reply. Mama winced and drew away from Papa.

I turned to the physicians. "Will he live, Misters?"

One of them dipped his head and replied, "He will most likely be sent to Slyev for judgment before nightfall, your Highness. Forgive my bluntness, but his reign is ending."

Mama straightened her back and stood up, before she stared straight at me in the eye, though she spoke to Papa. "My Lord, it is your daughter's turn to rule," she said softly and before I could even say anything, Papa had gestured to a servant, who held out Papa's crown for me to take.

I took a deep breath, stepped forward, and took the crown. Instead of putting it on my head, however, I turned towards Papa and placed the crown gently on his head, drawing surprised looks from everyone in the room. Clearly, everyone present was expecting me to take the crown, Mama included, and I surprised everyone by turning the crown down.

I made sure the crown was upright on Papa's head, before standing upright and explained, "I know that I'm to be the Tsarina after Papa's death, but I will not take his crown and throne when he's still alive. I am willing to wait, and I will only take the throne the day after Papa's funeral. Anyone who tries to convince me otherwise will be beheaded for disrespect towards Papa when I become Tsarina."

I glanced at Papa, and then glanced back at everyone. "No matter how badly he has sinned, he is still my father and my King, and it's rather rude to just take the throne like that. I might as well curse him instead, because it has the same effect." I bent down and whispered in Papa's ear, "Papa, you can still change. You're still alive. You can't change anything at all if you're dead to the world."

Papa shook his head and whispered back, "The people already hate me so much. I could go down on my knees and beg for them to forgive me, and they would still call for my death anyway."

I sighed and kissed his cheek before standing straight and walked over to Mama, who stared at me stonily. I tried to take her hands into mine but she pried my hands away and stormed angrily out of Papa's room, leaving me standing there speechless. Had she misunderstood the reason why I had chosen not to take the crown there and then? Or did she treat me so coldly because she didn't like the affection I showed Papa and vice versa? Nevertheless, I still stood firm by my decision not to take the throne until Papa died.

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Later that night, I held my dagger in my hand, turning it over and over, letting the blade catch the moonlight. Maybe Mama was right? She seemed like she had wanted me to take the throne then, and I probably should have when Papa had offered it to me, but I felt like I hadn't truly earned it. Something in me told me to wait till when Papa was dead before I claimed my birthright, but… what if I sped up the process of his death and ended his suffering?

I held the dagger up against the moonlight shining in from the window. Only one blue moon was in the sky tonight, and the moonlight was the only thing lighting up my room. I had blown all the candles out so that anyone who happened to be watching would just assume I was fast asleep. I could kill Papa now, and his body wouldn't be discovered till tomorrow and when it was, I could simply swoop in and take the throne, just like Mama wanted.

Yet, something tugged at the back of my consciousness. This wasn't right. While Papa was still alive, even though he might just be barely clinging on by a thread of life, I was still his subject and his daughter, and if I decided to kill Papa, I might as well try and assassinate Slyev too. No. I couldn't do this. I shouldn't even have thought of this in the first place. I clenched my hand tight around my dagger's handle and slid it back into its sheath. I wasn't the Tsarina yet, and already I had sinned.

As the dagger slid all the way up to the hilt with a whispered scrape, I found my hands trembling. I had thought of something which I shouldn't have and it scared me that I even thought about killing my own father in his sleep like that. I held my hands out in front of my face. What demon had I become?

"Tsesarevna?" A voice quietly asked and I spun around, my hand on my dagger handle. Patrina stood just out of the moonlight's reach.

I breathed out slowly. "Yes, Patrina?"

"I heard you talking to yourself… are you alright?" Patrina stepped forward into the moonlight, the pale bluish-white light framing her angular face. I nodded and tried to smile reassuringly.

Patrina smiled back and curtsied before going back to her bed. I sighed. It's true, what the great thinkers all say about greed and power, that it is the poison of the mind, the trap of the heart and the bane of the soul, and I had almost been trapped and poisoned in a never-ending cycle of fear and paranoia which led eventually to tyranny. I touched my forehead thrice and thanked Slyev for giving me a second chance, before I placed my dagger away and went to sleep.