3 I cannot help myself

" Bella, stop doing this.." Alexis said, shaking my shoulder.

Alexis is my best friend since childhood, it's been a solid friendship, we are always there for each other, no matter what and where we are. She's like my soul sister from another mother.

"He is not interested in you anymore, get it straight" She said with a sigh and a slight angry tone.

"Alexis..."

"No you listen to me Bella, you are hurting yourself. Please don't do that."

"I cannot help myself ", I said with a defeated tone.

Edward was the only person who occupied my mind everytime.

It was as if, he had a first class pass to visit my mind, my thoughts whenever he wanted.

I was ashamed of myself, never have I been so desperate for anything, yet a man.

A man whom I loved with all my heart and soul.

The only man I ever loved, my first love.

"You are degrading yourself, Bella. You cannot bow down to yourself. Please respect yourself!" Alexis nearly screamed in irritation.

Yet I knew better, she was pissed off at Edward and she cared way too deeply for me.

"I just feel so low. I believe it's my fault somewhere. Maybe I'm not that attractive now, have gained body fats. I even left the course in midway after experiencing failure. Maybe, he thinks I'm a failure? That I don't deserve him? That he can...." I said with a broken heart.

Alexis stopped me by a sudden force of hug,

"You are a fighter.

You are beautiful.

You are deserving.

You are only one Bella in this world

It's his loss if he left you.."

That hit me hard and I started crying out loud. Sobbing in my best friend's arms, for the first time.

Never have I cried in front of anyone, but today all the walls I had built came crumbling down.

One thing I felt for sure was lightness of heart.

I need to stop self pitying myself and focus on my development, my happiness..... without him.

........................