20 The White House: 01

For hours we watched a selection of episodes and films Louise made. They got my eyes glued to the T for hours straight, she had all kinds of genres saved in a hard drive. The animations were my favorites, even with them being, apparently, for younger audiences. I would talk non-stop while Louise sat back listening with a smirk or she would bring in snacks and popcorn.

Around evening I was emotionally drained. Some of the pieces got me really invested and it was suggested that we went to sit around the fire to take a break. It took a few tries but my hostess managed to get the old thing started. We sat on the floor facing the flickering fire with iron sticks in our hands. Internally, I was praying that ancient form of cooking wouldn't explode on my face.

- Now you poke the marshmallow and put it like this…- no doubt that the farmer was way more skilled than me when it came to roasting the damn marshmallow. Mine kept falling off into the flames or turning into coal as I innocently tried to speed up the process by putting it a little bit close to the fire. 

- Can't you just gimme one of yours? 

Our boots were off and I had long left my mask behind along with my jacket. That rudimentary creation was really working, I was feeling hugged by that inconsistent element of nature, trapped to a whole on the wall.

- No. Pay attention.

Trying was free, since I failed I decided to focus on mimicking Louise's movements and posture to see if I would finally get to taste my snack.

- What did you want me to look at for you? - I said without taking the marshmallow out of my sight. No answer was given to my question, so I turned my head to look at the person beside me. She was deeply staring into the flames, her body was there but her mind wasn't. 

- Watch it. - the warning worked to make me put my attention back at the prize. - You know, I live here by myself. - she started with a low tone, letting me know that was a serious talk. - I take care of the farm with the help of a few other city employees. Their job is to take care of the crops and the crops only.- at every turn my white fluffy snack became a little more tanned as I heard Louise's words carefully. 

- My responsibility is with the horses. Feed them, take them out to the pasture, brush them… You get the point.- nodding quietly, I pulled my golden marshmallow out of the fire. - It's heavy work but I like it and I will do it until my limbs stop working. 

At that point I got used to not being obligated to make eye contact and just kept listening as I blew my precious treat. Occasionally trying to take a bite but the heat wouldn't let me. 

- A few days ago two men from the city came knocking on my door. - that got my attention. I looked at her guessing it was the main point of my visit. - They wanted to buy my farm. Of course I said no immediately and kicked them out. - she met my eyes with a stiff expression. - Two days ago they came back with another proposal, this time to rent and exploit the land for "production raw materials".- that story started to sound a little familiar. My so awaited roasted marshmallow was hanging on my stick unattended, Louise had my full attention.

- They insisted I'd take a look at the proposal, claiming it was very generous and that nothing would be changed on the management of the farm… but there was something about it…- She sounded very troubled in that last sentence, as if she was afraid of her own thoughts.

- What is it? - her eyes were back to the flames but they stayed with the same worried expression. Impatiently, I waited for her to continue holding my stick a little above the ground. 

- Some farmers, mostly elderly couples and widows, took this deal. - every word seemed to sink Louise deeper into a dark cloud.- Most of them went to the city since the money was so good but they never sold their properties. And they probably never would. It meant too much to them. - slowly her head began to move negatively, until she closed her eyes completely. 

- What happened? 

- None of them came back. 

The salive on my mouth was thick. Still hanging, my untouched marshmallow lost all its magic. One gulp and I swallowed my heart that had been stuck on my throat for a while, blocking my words. Thoughts were passing through at the speed of light, even with a clear throat I still had nothing to say.

- Some passed in their sleep, others got sick. I attended all the funerals. - in front of her body she was resting her elbows on her thighs. Hands clutched on one another. - I knew every single one of them. Their properties circled mine. I used to ride to their houses asking if they needed any help with the house or their horses ever since I was a little girl.

Louise, despite our close physical proximity, was far away. With her head down almost touching her closed hands, she seemed to fight herself internally. Decided to hold back whatever she was feeling. 

- Before they left some asked me to take care of their horses, that's why I have so many. I'm grateful for their trust and I'll do my best to live up to it. - she took a deep breath, thighed her eyebrows then opened her eyes to look at me. My hands got cold and sweaty after our eyes met. - That's why I need you to look at the contract and find out who these people are. 

It happened again. Someone was asking for my help and I had no idea why. Those capable women kept coming to me as if I had some way of attending their requests. But I didn't. I wasn't worthy of their trust. Never had been. Ever since that night at the bridge all I did was revise all my actions trying to understand what I had done that made them rely on me for such important missions. 

Surely I could do what they asked, that was my job, finding stuff out. What I refused to accept was their unspoken faith in me.