Entry #1 (Freshmen)

Since I learned about depression and stuff like suicide, I always thought those type of people wouldn't be me. I proved myself wrong once I became used to this country and how they really treat each other. Once I grew up, stuff like depression and having suicidal thoughts occurred often, passed my mind. Of course I do open myself to others about this, even my school therapist talked to me, but I lied to her.

Even though I feel this way, I do have ways to solve it. I have hobbies such as singing, reading, writing and so many stuff. Yet, despite all my hobbies, sometimes I still feel depress. Usually when that happens I confront my friends just like everyone else does. I tell them how I feel especially one friend. I will call him Ying Lan. Ying Lan has attempted suicide, cuts and is just a guy in the depths of his feeling. But because of this, it was really easy to open up to him and since I am also worried for him, I would usually ask for a picture of his wrist to make sure he doesn't cut.

Sometimes Ying Lan isn't online and so I contact a bigger group. My dance group. I don't tell them everything though, sometimes when I talk to them, I feel like they don't understand what I am saying and so they get offended. Sometimes they don't even have solution to help me. They ignore my message, never helps me or encourage me to forget about depression. You would think girls could understand girls, but that isn't true. In the end the people who really understand you are those who feel what you feel. Yet, even those people don't understand you.

I want to really talk about what type of person I am and how I want to act and how I act. As years go by, when I meet more people I feel like being my cheerful and happy self becomes annoying to others. When I consider this and try not to talk, people will come up and ask me if I was okay.

What I want to say during that moment is, "Don't tell me I talk too much, don't say I am always smiling, don't say that I have Chinese eyes, don't say I am fat, don't tell me I need to go on a diet and etc."

I call myself fat, only I accept negative words from my mouth because when I really think about it, I can change because I am changing for me, but when the negative words come from someone else, it feels like you're trying to force me to change so I am acceptable in your eyes. I always smile for you guys who always feel sad, I always thought smiling was the key to happiness and making others happy. I was always speaking so that no one would feel lonely if someone didn't talk to them. I easily made friends because of this attitude and because I am so careless and doing these happy things, I don't even know if my friends are fake or not.

Texting can always be misunderstood and that occurs a lot with me and my friends. Honestly I'm just putting all my mixed emotions and feelings in this whole chapter. This is just the intro though. What I feel hasn't been explained deeply yet. I'm just dragging my feelings for now. Once you really hear my deepest feelings, you would truly start to know how others might feel sometimes. I always consider others feeling, because I care. In this place where society tries to rule over you, you want to care for others so they don't become a victim to the negativity in the world.

I always felt like dying and lately I found a new hobby which sometimes makes me forget that I am even sad, but like I mention before, there will be a day where nothing can cure this painful, killing, choking and stabbing pain in my heart that others unintentionally create, sometimes it doesn't come from words, but action. That is why I want to be a little thankful to my sisters. They don't do anything, but they are always with me.

Reading this people might think, "Oh, this girl is too emotional. Maybe she is on her period. She just doesn't understand her feelings. She is weird."

What if I say I am emotional, I am sad, I cry because people who I think would understand me don't. Everyone hates being misunderstood, everyone hate pain and the worst pain in the the world is not physical pain, but pain that goes through the heart.

I am not writing this to call out anyone, I am writing this to get everything out, everything I want to say, everything that I try to hide. Too much can always kill. I will never harbor hate because I made a promise to never harbor hate and so my hate ends up becoming my depression. The cause to my reason for crying and emotionally blanking our from reality.