Weakness

The street was empty this early in the morning. At these just post-sunrise moments of the day where most are still sleeping, or still at their homes getting ready for the day's agenda to play out, I walked the sidewalk as the day got brighter.

I kept my head firmly down, watching my feet slowly trespass the sidewalk that led me to my work.

The air was cool, brisk with impending winter. The wind picked up and I saw the evidence of the chill displayed in gooseflesh up my arms.

I didn't bother putting on a coat this morning. I wish I could feel the cold enough for it to make a difference. I sigh and shake off those thoughts as I walk into my workplace.

The warm air hit me as I heard the chime over the door ding as I walked in.

The chairs had already been set to the floor and I could smell the coffee brewing and the pastries baking.

"Mattie, did you walk here without a jacket on?" I looked up as I stepped around the counter and met Liz's worried stare.

Liz was twelve years older than me at thirty-four, but one couldn't tell by looking at her. She was beautiful and maternal, while fierce and protective. Her look made my gaze fall and bite my lower lip. I heard her sigh and I hugged myself tighter. My heart started to speed up and my senses started to distort.

"Mattie, sweetie, hey," I jumped when she touched my shoulder, my face instantly becoming red with shame. "Come on, honey, breathe. Sit."

She directed me to a chair and with a word went to fetch me a cup of coffee. She was back a few moments later, a hot cup in her hands. I smiled waveringly as I accepted the drink. Liz smiled back and ran her fingers through my hair. She was like that. I honestly can't say I mind. I blushed as she did so.

She then pulled off her hoodie and wrapped it around me, my arms immediately plunging into the sleeve holes and her warmth engulfed me. She zipped up the clothing like I was an incapable child, but I did not protest her actions. I felt like an incapable child.

I moved to the town of Rockford nearly three years ago and Liz was the only person willing to give me a job despite my personal setbacks. Liz owned Cafe Coffee and took pity on me when she gave me the job. I love her for it. She made me feel a bit safer.

"Sorry," I told her, my voice half an octave above a whisper.

She stared at me for a moment before shaking her head and unlocking the doors to officially begin the workday. She came back around the center, dragging her fingertips lightly over my back as she passed me. I smiled to myself and sipped my coffee, secretly hoping no one came in.

"Hey, you okay there, babycakes?" I looked up at her and smiled, my cheeks filling with heat and blood. I heard her chuckle off to my left. She came to stand beside me a few moments later, a more serious tone to her expression.

"Really, though, Mattie...are you alright?"

I bit my lip and looked down, my fingers immediately beginning to pick at the skin around my fingernails. I wanted to tell her no. That I wasn't alright. I wanted to tell her I was scared. I wanted to tell her about them.

I nodded.

"Mattie, look at me." Her tone was gentle and I felt her fingers in my hair again. I dragged my eyes up toward hers and gave a haggard smile.

"I don't know what's happened in your past...but I'm always here if you need me."

I nodded again and looked down, willing the tears to stay hidden. I'd never had a friend like her before. The moment was brought to a halt by a customer entering, the chime above the door making Liz look up from studying my expression.

I closed my eyes in an attempt to regain control over myself, took a deep breath, and slid off the stool Liz had previously placed me on.

When I opened my eyes my breath caught and I found myself staring, wide-eyed, and entrapped within his beauty. I had never before seen someone as beautiful as he, and I looked down as the whispering began. I bit my lip and sighed.

"Mattie." I looked up at the sound of my name and Liz was smiling, a small giggle escaping her at whatever he had said when I wasn't paying attention.

"This is my little brother, Mykel. Little brother, this is Mattie."

Mykel smiled at me, his bright eyes boring into mine. His face and body were chiseled from a Renaissance dream, making the statue of David obsolete in terms of beauty. His smile sent shivers down my spine and his voice, when he spoke, made me feel like I was flying. His arms were decorated in elaborate tattoos, splashed with colored and black ink.

I looked at Liz as she started speaking again. "Mykel just moved out this way a few months back; finally escaping the clutches of our parent's dungeon." She laughed lightly and he smiled back at her. I swallowed at the metaphor, willing my mind to pay attention to the now.

"Yeah, well, Lizzy wouldn't shut up about this town, so I thought I'd try it out." He smiled as Liz backhanded his shoulder. He turned that million-watt smile on me and I felt my face redden at the attention.

"So you're the Mattie that Liz never shuts up about. Nice to finally have a face with the name." He smiled again and I felt my own lips twitch upward and I looked down, unable to keep his stare.

He rapped on the counter twice then with his knuckles, pursing his lips slightly. He looked at me again and I couldn't quite place the look he had given me before looking away.

"Well, I better get going, Lizzy. I'll see you at home. Bye, Mattie."

I smiled shyly and waved back before averting my eyes to the counter again.

The morning was a bit slower than usual, which gave me time to think. It also gave Liz more time to dote on me. She watched me carefully as she set up the rest of the coffee machines and I wiped down the tables throughout the afternoon.

Soft music played in the background, and an elderly couple sat on a couch in the corner reading that morning's paper together while drinking their coffee. I smiled sadly to myself.

I jumped slightly as I felt a hand on my shoulder, looking quickly to my left and trying my hardest not to shrink away.

I met the worried eyes of Liz and tried to smile. I knew I failed terribly when her worried look deepened.

"Sweetie, go sit in the back for a bit," she told me this so gently it made me want to cry.

I looked at the elderly couple to find them staring, then my eyes wandered down to the broken cup that I had picked up from the table I was cleaning. I don't remember dropping it. My hands shook. My whole body shook. I nodded and said nothing more as I turned and walked into the back room.

I went into the little office Liz did her paperwork in and sat down on the floor, smashed behind the desk and the filing cabinet. I drew my legs up and tried to calm down. I couldn't do this here.

I hate small spaces. Even now. But I found that's where I go in moments like this. Small spaces.

I didn't want to do this here. Usually, I'm alone when these attacks hit. Usually, I'm alone. Unless I'm here. I tried to control my breathing and not let any tears fall.

I don't know how long I sat there before I heard Liz calling out to me. I shrank deeper into the filing cabinet, instinctively hiding in small spaces. I didn't want her to find me like this. The part of my mind that remained rational throughout kept screaming at me not to let her see this weakness. The other part, the irrational mind that was still that trapped child was screaming also. He was terrified and suddenly I wasn't in that little office anymore. I was in the closet.

I couldn't breathe. I could never breathe in this place. The smell alone was enough to singe your nose hair. But it was more than the smell. The smell didn't terrify me so much as being kept here. The pain from having to remain in one of two positions; standing if I wanted to stretch, or curling myself into a ball if I got tired from standing, was enough to keep me in tears.

Somehow they never seemed to dry up. I often wondered how I had so many tears, so much moister in my body when I was in a constant state of dehydration.

"Mattie? Come on, sweetheart, open your eyes."

Liz. I heard her calling somewhere outside the closet. She seemed so far. Open your eyes! Open your eyes! the logical side was demanding, panicked, trying to rush me to listen to Liz, her voice, before her voice became someone else's.

I opened my eyes. I was in the office again. Air pumped through my lungs too quickly and I began to feel light-headed.

"Mattie, honey, look at me." I managed to drag my eyes to hers. I noticed that I was clutching her hand. She smiled.

"There you go, sweetie, take a deep breath for me." She breathed with me and I mimicked her intakes. "Good. One more." We breathed. It was several minutes before my breathing was under control, but she didn't seem to notice how there were so many 'one more' deep breaths. She never let go of my hand. She never sounded impatient or obligated.

"Come on, honey, let's get off the floor, okay?" I nodded my consent and she helped me to stand. She maneuvered me over to a small loveseat and sat down next to me. She sat close enough, but not too close. She never let go of my hand, nor did I let go of hers.

I felt her free hand come and softly caress my back. Slowly up and down. No one had comforted me like this before.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. I was looking at our hands. I didn't want her to let go. I didn't want to be alone again.

"You have nothing to apologize for, Mattie." She drew her arm around me and squeezed, pulling me into her side. In a moment of impulse, I turned and wrapped my arms around her. In an instant, I was wrapped in warm and loving arms.

My body fell into hers as it relaxed and I slowly felt her begin to rock me. I was so overwhelmed by everything that I only realized after I sat back up that I'd been crying. I kept my head down, shame at my weakness filling my cheeks, berating me internally.

"Mattie." I looked at her. She smiled and ran her knuckle across my cheek, wiping away the pain that had fallen. "I promise it's fine. You're okay, sweetie."

I shook my head slowly. I was not okay. "I don't feel okay," I managed to whisper. My throat and chest were both tight and I could feel tears beginning to threaten again.

Before she could say anything Mykel popped his head into the office. "We're all closed up. Last customers have left and the door's locked."

I didn't want to look at him. I didn't want him to see me this way. To see my weakness, my pathetic display.

I felt Liz shift as she looked up to her brother. "Okay, thanks."

I didn't hear anything more and assumed he'd left. She hugged me again. My arms clung to her as they'd always wanted to cling to my mother. Unfortunately, the woman that which gave me birth was not the nurturing kind.

The little boy in me soaked up the maternal actions, silently praying she would never let go. I never put much credence into prayer, as eventually she drew back and wiped my face with a clean washrag.

"Come on, Mattie. Let's get out of here."

Was it really seven o'clock? I asked her. She smiled sadly and nodded. I felt wretched. Three hours? It didn't feel like three hours.

Liz noticed I'd stopped and was no longer following behind. She turned with a questioning look on her face. I had been in her office acting like a baby for three hours of my shift. I felt like I had robbed her somehow.

"You don't have to pay me for the last three hours. I-I don't deserve it." Even as I said it I started to panic. If I didn't get a full check, I would be short on rent this month. The alternative to making quick cash left a sour taste in my mouth. It was something I never wanted to go back to.

"Hey, don't worry about it. I'm not going to dock your pay. Come on, honey, let's go."

I took a calming breath. "Where are we going?" I asked as she took my hand.

"My place. I don't think you should be alone tonight."

I wanted to protest. I wanted to tell her I would be fine. I wanted to. But I didn't because the truth of the matter was, I didn't want to be alone, either.

When we got to her car I was startled to see that Mykel occupied the passenger seat; the car door was propped open and his right leg bounced in rhythm with the song coming from the car speakers.

The bouncy melody and the uplifting tone of the song made me smile. As much of a smile as I could produce at that moment. Which was barely a twitching of my lips.

He smiled when I walked past him to slide into the back seat. He shut his door as Liz plopped down behind the wheel. They shared a look that I wished I understood. It seemed to speak loudly between them before a sudden flash of deep sadness crossed over his face. I frowned slightly at the thought, not liking seeing any pain in those beautiful features.

I wondered what happened in his life to bring that kind of look to his face. I frowned further when I realized that I really did want to know. And I wanted to take away that pain in any way I could.

The sudden cognizance of this really took me by surprise, to say the least. I had never had feelings of romantic involvement before that singular moment of the consummation of such a simple truth.

It left me terrified. Flipped upside down and shaken about; like a personified snow globe my mind spun, and I was left dazed and confused.

When we got to Liz's house I was awed. It was beautiful. Two stories with dark red brick inlay, a wrap-around porch that extended into the darkness behind the house. Off to the west, the sun was making its presence known in fading colors of orange and purple.

I followed behind Mykel, Liz coming up behind me. She locked the door behind her once we were all inside.

"Come on, cutie, let's get you something to eat." She grabbed my hand and dragged me bodily to the sizeable kitchen.

"Pick out anything you want. It's Mykel's turn to cook." She grinned at me. "Which is a good thing because," she pointed her pointer finger up to visualize her point, "with as awesome of a cook as I am...he's your regular Gordon Ramsey."

Mykel rolled his eyes but didn't comment as he came to stand next to us. We were facing a huge walk-in pantry. I'd never seen so much food in one place that wasn't a store in my life. My eyes widened and I was overwhelmed at the number of selections to choose from.

"There's more in the fridge." I jumped at the sudden voice in my ear, the impetuous culmination of Mykel's nigh contiguous presence.

He smiled at me and I looked away, feeling myself blushing at his attention. I heard him chuckle at my blush.

"You're adorable, you know that? Come on, I'll show you what's in the fridge."

I gaped into the refrigerator much as I had with the pantry. The overwhelming feeling came back as my options broadened. I looked at Mykel, who was staring at me, with a pleading eye.

He smiled and shut the fridge. "Want me to rescue you?"

"Please." The invocation came out whispered and broken. He looked at me then and we both understood I wasn't only referring to the dinner selection.

That look returned to his face like he was remembering something from a distant past before it faded and he smiled. He nodded lightly, his gaze deeply boring into mine, as if he were postulating to lock horns with my demons.

The moment was broken as he moved past me, back to the pantry, and began gathering items for the meal.

I sat down at the kitchen island and watched his back as he set himself to cook. He was well built. Strong. His hair was light brown, his eyes golden, reminding me of a wheat field.

His arms and legs were toned to perfection, his skin tanned, kissed with the sun.

Liz came back shortly after fresh from the shower, her hair hanging in wet ringlets down her face. She smiled at me as she passed, ruffling my hair. I smiled, blushing heavily.

"So what's for dinner then?" she asked coming to stand next to Mykel. She poked his side and he jumped. He glared at her and she grinned, the picture of innocence.

"You know I hate being tickled." His voice was serious, though his face was gentle.

She grinned at him wider. "I know. Does it stop me? Nope!" She popped her 'p' at the end of 'nope' and backed away with another giggle as he reached for her. She came over and hid behind me.

"Mattie will protect me!" she proclaimed, laughter in her voice. She wound her arms around my chest, resting her chin on my shoulder. Lightly she kissed my cheek.

"How are you feeling, honey, you alright?" She sounded so genuine when she asked it made tears pool behind my eyes. I nodded and swallowed.

"I'm always here for you, sweetie. Anytime you need me," she whispered and kissed my cheek again. I could only nod in response lest I start bawling right there in her kitchen. She squeezed me again, hugging me from behind before disconnecting with me to dig for something to drink in her fridge.

"Thirsty, sweetie? Want some apple juice or something?" She was looking at me and as I nodded, Mykel answered.

"I prefer orange juice, schnookums, but if apple's all you got, sure."

I smiled. Actually smiled. She smiled at me, wide and beautiful, as she rolled her eyes at her brother.

"Get over yourself. In no way was I talking to you," she told him as she poured me a drink.

They bantered back and forth and my mind gave thought to my own sister. I closed my eyes and forced myself to breathe. I didn't need to delve any deeper into that train of thought, as surely it would derail in a hailstorm of fire and destruction.

Mykel, as it turns out, is an incredible cook. That first meal no more amazing than any following it. My mouth watered as I began to eat. I didn't eat often. Once every other day...a childhood habit I had been unable to break. I ate like a starving man who had not had a decent meal in years.

I reflected it wasn't far from the truth. To my surprise I finished the plate, feeling for the first time in my life full. In my world, the world I ran away from but still unable to escape, food was for the privileged; I was never among those few.

"Good then?" I smiled at Mykel who had also finished his plate. He'd made a spaghetti casserole and I found myself wanting more. He stood up and reached out his hand. "You want some more?"

I nodded demurely and handed him my plate. He smiled as he took it causing me to smile back.

We talked throughout dinner. Should I say, they talked throughout dinner; them occasionally dragging me into the conversation when they assumed I was being too quiet.

After dinner we gathered around the television, Mykel and I on the couch, Liz settling in her oversized armchair.

"Any suggestions?" Liz asked as she grabbed the remote.

I kept quiet. I had no idea what to even possibly suggest. I do not even own a television.

"What about The Breakfast Club?"

At some point I curled up into myself, a position I was so used to being in that I didn't even notice I was sitting like that until Mykel touched my knee. He pulled the blanket off the back of the couch and beckoned me with it to come closer. I obliged his silent request by sliding slowly over to him, hesitant and unsure; yet somehow, emboldened with a courage I had never experienced in all my years prior.

At the time I was no stranger to the ways of a man's body. After all, I had to find a means to survive the post-apocalyptic world of torture from whence I came. Some were gentle. Some were not. A few took it with violent upheaval, leaving me battered and bruised on some cheap motel floor.

He folded the blanket around me, so soft like he thought I would break, shatter like misused porcelain if he moved too quickly, before drawing me closer to him. His warmth made me realize how cold I actually was, and he wrapped his arm a bit tighter around me as I began to shiver.

"You always this cold?" he whispered to me, his face so close to my ear I felt his breath against it.

"Yes," I replied with a nod, casting my eyes downward, shame filling me so expeditiously that my eyes began to water.

He drew me closer to him, covering me a bit more with the blanket, and smiled. Always with that smile.

"Let's get you warm then," he told me softly. I jumped slightly as he reached forward and swiped my bangs from my eyes. He frowned slightly at the reaction, running the back of his knuckle down my cheek. He looked deeply into my eyes before he spoke.

"I will never raise my hand to you, Mattie. You don't have to worry about me ever hurting you." I looked down at his comment, opulent despondency filling me.

No one had ever said that to me before in my twenty-two years of life, and it filled me with utter desolate disconsolateness, combined with a warmth I never wanted to leave.

I curled up into his side, my head resting atop his chest, his steady heartbeat lulling me to sleep.

I woke up alone on the couch sometime later, the television had been shut off and the lights left dimmed and not dark. I hated the dark. I wondered how he knew.

I stood hearing voices coming from the kitchen. I approached slowly unknowing if I interrupted what exactly I would be interrupting.

"You need to be careful, Mykel."

"Liz." His tone was full of warning and anguish.

"He's not Kaiden, Mykel. You can't..." she stopped, seemingly to catch herself. The look in his eyes turned dark, and the smile was not the one he had shown me all night, but of pain and guilt disguised.

"Can't what, Liza? Can't save them all? Is that what you were gonna say? If you remember, I didn't fucking save him, did I?" His voice cracked and I peeked around the corner. His head was hung low and he was gripping a coffee mug in his hands. "I failed, Kaiden, Liz. In the worst imaginable way. And he's...my hands will never be clean of his blood, Liz. I still see it every time I look at them." He opened his palms then, facing them upward as if demonstrating the blood that only he could see before wrapping them back around the mug.

"He's got the same look in his eyes as Kaiden did. That same...lost and terrified look. I know you've seen it, too. Regardless of whatever emotional involvement I allow myself to fall into, it is my burden to carry, but I'll be goddamned if I'm not going to try. And I know you see it.

"I know you care about him, too, or you wouldn't have brought him here. I've lived here for three months, Liz, and he's the first person you've ever brought here."

There was silence for a moment before I saw Liz wipe at her eyes and pinch the bridge of her nose.

"Mykel, I love you. If you remember, too, I paid for his funeral. And if you remember, he was just as much a little brother to me as you are. And damn it, Mykee, I remember what his death did to you. I remember...and I know if you fall in love with him and he succumbs to the same end, if we can't reach him...you can't survive that again, can you? And goddamn it all, I don't want to lose you, too." With that she slowly turned and walked out the back door, softly shutting it behind her.

I stood motionless for a moment unsure of what to do. I couldn't stand there any longer, the tension was building like a thick fog.

He must have heard me enter the kitchen as he turned his head and found me there. He smiled, as he always seemed to upon catching my eye, but this one made my chest ache. His golden eyes were dulled with pain, and his lips strained in their minute position.

I wanted to ask who Kaiden was, but I refrained. Our relationship was too new, too superficial to ask something so personal.

"Are you okay?" I asked instead, coming to stand beside him. He was occupying the same stool I had earlier while he was making dinner.

"No. And I am a fucking asshole. I shouldn't have spoken to her that way." He glanced at the back door like he wanted to go after her and sighed. "Do me a favor, will you? Go check on her?"

I glanced at the door and back at him. "What about you?"

He stood not looking at me, but at the coffee left in the mug, he had been gripping. "I need to be alone for a bit. Please, will you go to her?"

I nodded, frowning at him.

"I'll be okay, Mattie." With that, he turned and walked away from me, his steps hollowly echoing up the stairs as he ascended.

I made my way outside onto the back porch. I saw her silhouetted against the moon to my left. I occupied the empty spot next to her on the porch swing and waited for her to speak.

She wiped her eyes and sniffled. "Sometimes he's a fucking asshole," she said in broken words.

I halfway grinned. "That's what he said to me just now."

"At least he can admit it." She sniffled again and continued looking out at the land before us.

It was dark, the only light from the moon and stars, but somehow I felt at peace here. I followed her gaze and could just make out the small fishing pond, the water sparkling where the moon touched it.

"Are you alright?" I asked after a bit of silence.

"Yeah, sure, you betcha." I smiled at her sarcasm.

"Wanna...wanna talk about it?" I asked her. I hoped she wouldn't be mad at my prying.

"This is backward," she said offhandedly.

"What do you mean?" I asked confused by the randomness of the comment.

"I brought you here to make you feel better." She looked at me then and slightly grinned.

I returned it. "You did make me feel better, Liz. No one has ever talked me from an attack like you did today. No one's ever...held my hand, or hugged me. No one's ever cared before. Now it's my turn to make you feel better."

She put her arm around me and leaned her head against my shoulder. With my toe, I slowly rocked the swing and looked out at the water.

"Thank you, Liz. I never got the opportunity to say it earlier."

"For what, sweetie?" She genuinely sounded like she didn't know. Like what she had done for me was not as profound as I felt it be.

"For caring," I said simply.

She sat up then and took my hand, gently kissing my cheek. "It's what I'm here for, sweetie. There's no need for thanks."

"You don't understand," I whispered to her. I looked at her, my eyes shining in the moonlight. "You're the first person to care, Liz. Before you, no one had ever said a kind word to me. When you hugged me the first time was the first time I'd been hugged. I've never...known...what being loved feels like. The only love I've ever been shown is pain and fear. And what you did for me today...it's a big deal...to me. So...thank you."

She kissed my temple then and ran her fingers through my hair. "Anytime, sweetie. I'm always here."

"Can I tell you something?" I said after a long moment.

"Anything."

"I know we're only twelve years apart...but I wish I could have had a mother like you."