61 Chapter 40 - Enies Lobby Pt 2

Xomniac AN: I am writing this AN the morning after the posting of Chapter 39… quite simply because I have no other choice but to. The sheer amount of praise we are receiving for Chapter 39 is… nothing short of awe-inspiring. I can literally feel tears in my eyes as I read what everyone has to say. The sheer amount of love and support you are showing for our story, for us, is… I just don't think there are the words. There… there just straight up aren't. So forgive me for using inadequate vocabulary, but… thank you. Thank you, from the very bottom of my heart. I wish I could say more, I really do.

Patient AN: And a thank you from me to all of you, both for the joy you've given my co-author and the support you've shown to me by proxy. I don't believe I ever had enough self-confidence to consider myself a good writer before I joined the Cross-Brain. Now I can say it happily; after finding the way out of the depression that consumed my heart thirteen years ago, this is the second best thing that's ever happened to me. Thanks to all of you; every positive review and comment is reinforcement that I'm part of something good.

Hornet AN: And we would be remiss if we didn't finish this off by saying thank you to all of you who gave constructive criticism on the story. I'm good, but I can't catch every problem, and I can't think through every implication and consequence, and neither can Patient and Xomniac. That it's been almost always well thought out and accompanied by every sign that you like the story in spite of its flaws only helps. You have made this story better by speaking up. And I'd especially like to make a shoutout to Yog. Your criticism is the most detailed of all, and I'll admit, some of our plot points were cribbed entirely from your posts.

Cross-Brain AN: From we three to all of you who are fans of our work, from the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

I don't know if it was a credit to half a year of hellish training or my own blood-boiling adrenaline that I managed to struggle out of the rubble that the Rocketman made out of the Tower of Justice's front. It was made particularly hard to tell considering that immediately before I broke out, I heard my captain let out a triumphant roar.

And as I pushed the scattered, jagged stones off of me… well, you can guess by now how I reacted.

"PFFHAHAHA! WOO!" I cheered as I shot out of the wreckage and pumped my fist jubilantly. "That was nothing short of utterly kickass! And fun!" I half-dashed, half-staggered over to my captain and clapped a hand on his shoulder. "Right, Luffy?"

The rubber man turned to look at me, and after a moment of his adrenaline and serious-self clashing with his humorous side, he began laughing too. "Shishishi! Yeah, that was totally awesome! First we were—!"

"Yeah yeah, and then everyone was like—!" I picked up eagerly.

"But then we hit it like—!"

"The wall was just—!"

"Exactly!"

"Eesh…" I vaguely heard Franky muttering behind us. "I think I owe Mozu an apology. I guess that 'folly a ducks' thing or whatever isn't just a name for something dirty after all. Though now I wonder how the hell I'm gonna knock these two out of it…"

"Ohhh, don't worry."

Without warning, my headphones were suddenly yanked off of my neck, prompting me to twist around. "HE—!?" My protest died in my throat when I caught sight of not only Nami holding my headphones, but the rest of our crewmates glowering behind her. I was a bit confused as to why they all had their fingers in their ears - at least, until I noticed Soundbite's equally infuriated expression from where he was perched on our navigator's shoulder.

"I have an idea," Nami bit out acridly. She then directed a malevolent grin at my snail. "Oh, Soundbite?"

"Yes, my good friend?" Soundbite sneered back.

I paled in horror and quickly lurched at Nami, scrambling to wrench my earphones back, but she responded by casually holding me at bay with one hand and holding my headgear out of reach with the other.

"I know that you don't normally take orders from me, but I'd like to request a Gastro-Amp… to eleven."

"IT WOULD BE MY HONOR."

I paled as the air suddenly vibrated with an electric whine. "Don't suppose I could get away with an 'I'm sorry'?" I squeaked pitifully.

The demonic glint in Nami's eyes said it all.

"Uh-oh…" Luffy whimpered as he and I both shrank back fearfully.

And with that, Nami proceeded to suck in a deep, deep breath and…

-o-

"You think they're alright after that?" Zambai wondered aloud, continuing to bash Marine after Agent with his bazooka, its ammo exhausted and its effectiveness reduced to that of a club.

"Eh," Raphey shrugged casually as she flipped her way over a Juryman's chain and used his head as a springboard with which to spin through the air. "Odds are that they'll get a little hurt one way or another, that's just the life we live, and probably more than a little angry—angrier, they'll get angry-er," she swiftly corrected when her fellow students shot her a trio of incredulous looks. "But seriously, I don't think it'll be anything significant for them. After all, these asshats stole our comrade." She leered viciously. "Us steamrolling them completely and utterly? Please. That's the predetermined outcome, no two ways about it."

"You pirates can't be serious!" a World Government Agent who was hiding behind a nearby pillar sneered. "You really think that they could have survived plowing into the Tower of Justice at a speed like—?"

Suddenly, acting on a combination of reflex and pure animal instinct, Raphey, the other Dugongs, Yokozuna, and the Watchdogs that had made it to the courthouse all slapped their flippers or paws over their ears. The savvier members of the Franky Family and the Galley-La Foremen had the sense to stall their fighting long enough to follow their example, and not a split-second too soon.

"YOU STUPID, IDIOTIC, MORONIC, INCONSIDERATE NUMBSKULLS OF BRAIN-DEAD NIMRODS NEARLY KILLED US ALL, AND YOU HAVE THE FUCKING AUDACITY TO LAUGH ABOUT IT!? I HOPE THAT WHEN YOU DIE YOU GET TENDERIZED, CHOPPED UP, DRIED OUT, BOILED, EATEN ALIVE AND SHAT OUT BEFORE YOU CAP IT ALL OFF BY ENDING UP FROZEN IN HELL'S BASEMENT AND SHATTERING, YOU SEVEN-TIMES-DAMNED ADRENALINE-HUFFING SUICIDAL BASTARDS!"

The unholy roar was loud enough that the whole of Enies Lobby was thrown off-balance. Or perhaps that was the island actually shaking. Hard to tell, on account of how many were still shivering in terror.

Mikey waited a second as he remained tensed up before glancing nervously in the direction of the Tower. "Nami's piiiiiissed…" he whimpered.

Raphey swallowed heavily as she tugged at the bandanna covering her mouth. "Leo," she mumbled. "If I ever give you shit about you being our leader again, remind me about the moment you saved us from that."

Leo nodded numbly in agreement.

"Alright… with that little assault on our ears out of the way, where were we?" Paulie asked, forcing his eyes open out of the wince he'd adopted when the yelling started.

The sight that met his eyes was nearly every Marine, agent, and Juryman still struggling to recover, and the nearest Marine to him massaging his temples, and looking at him through squinted eyes. "Ergh… any chance that we can take a quick break?" he asked, regretting raising his voice immediately judging by how his rubbing intensified.

"Oh, yeah, now I remember. Sorry, but that's a no."

"Eh—?"

THWACK!

The Marine had just enough time to blink in confusion before Paulie slammed his fist into his face.

And just like that, the brawl was back on.

-o-

"Wow, that was really loud, Granny!" Chimney said as she removed her hands from her ears.

"NAGAGAGAGAGAGAGA!" Kokoro cackled, taking a swig from her bottle. "Ah, brings back memories of some of the boys' more harebrained stunts! The Straw Hats have a good disciplinarian to produce something like that!"

"Mawp… Mawp… Mawp…"

Kokoro glanced down at their pet rabbit, who was sprawled out on the ground, clutching his ears.

"Chimney, be a dear and carry Gonbe for a bit, okay?" the icefish mermaid said, before continuing down the sub-basement corridor they were in. "We're almost there."

The young girl nodded, scooped up her rabbit, and followed after her grandmother. Soon, Kokoro came to a stop in front of a nondescript door, and gave it a hearty shove. It swung open, revealing a room filled with shelf upon shelf of… Alcohol. Bottles upon bottles of wine, sake, whiskey, and gin, all of it high-quality.

"Jackpot," Kokoro whispered rapturously.

-o-

"MAWP… MAWP… MAWP…" I mumbled blearily as I clutched at my ears. Were they bleeding? I think they were bleeding, or was that brainmatter?

"My head's shaking…" Luffy slurred miserably as he lay on his back, his eyes spinning into spirals.

"I don't feel so good…" Soundbite groaned, his tongue hanging out uselessly as he panted in agony. "I OUTDID NAMI'S BEST… BUT I THINK that attack needs to be an ABSOLUTE LAST RESORT."

"As much as that hurt, I like the results," Zoro ground out as he stood over us.

"We're sorry," the rubber man and I moaned in synch.

"Don't let it happen again," Nami said with… exponentially less venom. In fact, she looked positively lighthearted. "But on the other hand, I feel like I should thank you for that; that was a few months' worth of repressed anger."

SMASH!

I squeaked in nervousness as an Eisen fist suddenly shot at me, barely missing my crotch and instead striking the floor. "And that's… out of eight years?"

Nami shrugged as she spun her staff and reeled the cloud back in, forcing it into submission with relative ease. "I think that between this thing doing all the anger for me and turning that secretary into a lightning rod, I should be good for a long time."

"Anyway," Su spoke up, padding over to look down at me. "What are we going to do now? Taking down those assassins and torturing that polished mass of primordial ooze is all well and good, but are we going to do that before or after we save Robin?"

"Chapapa," came a somewhat strained voice from nearby. "Allow me to answer that."

Luffy and I promptly shot to our feet and Su zipped back to Conis as we all snapped our attention to an upper corner of the room, where Fukuro was digging a finger in whatever ears he had, his forewarning apparently having done him little good against Nami's blaring wrath. "You know, I'm really happy that my only role in this whole mess is going to be stopping you from rescuing Nico Robin, because that probably means that you hate me a lot less than the chief and the ones who actually kidnapped her, chapapa," he grumbled acridly.

I took a second to suppress my desire to snort at his voice—because holy shit was it hilarious—before readopting my serious expression.

"Soundbite? This is not the time for playing around," Zoro snarled.

"This is my natural voice, chapa," Fukuro deadpanned.

"…We're so sorry," chorused most of the crew, bowing their heads.

"Why do I feel like not all of you are apologizing for being rude…" he muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah, we're awkward like that," I said, waving the matter aside before stepping forward and addressing the… rotund man? Eh, close enough. "Anyway… Fukuro, correct? The gossip-loving 'Silent Owl'?"

To his credit, the assassin didn't even blink. "Chapapapa. You never fail to amaze and terrify, Cross."

I blinked in surprise at his nonchalance before recalling exactly what he was like in the story. Now that I thought about it, he was a pretty cool customer, wasn't he? He only lost his composure after going a few rounds with Franky, after all! If so, then maybe… "Yep, and proud of it, too. Anyway, again…" I very casually crossed my arms behind my head. "Seeing as you're a damn well-informed guy, I imagine that you already know that our modus operandi is that we never start a fight. Unless, of course, we're going up against someone who started it first. As you noted earlier, you had jack all to do with Robin's kidnapping, and currently you're only here at the behest of your subhuman Director. As such, I'm prepared to cut a deal with you using what authority I have on the crew: if you step aside now, we won't fight you, plain and simple. Given the circumstances, I think it's a pretty reasonable offer; you saw what happened to Jabra, and you're not even half as strong as he is, so why interfere with us at all?"

Several of the crew exchanged looks of unease and contemplation, but before any of them could speak up, Fukuro answered.

"Because you've severely misjudged the situation," he explained flatly. "Do you really think we're here because of what that weakling says, when obviously the logical answer is to run? No…" Fukuro shook his head sadly. "The only reason I'm not flying away from here as fast as I can Moonwalk is that while you might terrify me, and your crew as a whole might scare the hell out of me…"

And just like that a sheen of cold sweat and a terrified grimace came over his face. "Lucci scares me straight-up shitless, and he told us that if any of us contemplate running for even a second, he'll personally rip us in half," he explained. "Given the fact that I've worked with him from the day I joined CP9 and the fact that he's currently the strongest human being I know, I am completely and utterly inclined to believe him."

"…Yeah, alright, that's a fair point," I winced as I scratched the back of my head. "Well, then, no hard feelings for doing what has to be done. At least we can give you a swift defeat, right?"

"Indee—" Fukuro started to nod in agreement before freezing as my words caught up to him. "Wait, wha—?"

"Luffy, if you wouldn't mind—?"

A wave of steam suddenly swept over me. "GEAR SECOND!"

Credit to Fukuro where it was due, he didn't even wait a second to turn into a blur, albeit while abandoning his moniker in his panic. "CHAPAPAPAPAPA—!"

It was no use, however. The instant he moved, Luffy moved as well and appeared before him, fist stretched behind him.

"JET PISTOL!"

BOOM!

And just like that, we had a Fukuro-shaped crater in the middle of the floor of the Tower of Law, reminiscent both of Jabra's defeat and Bellamy's.

"ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST!" Soundbite proclaimed with a cackle.

"Damn straight he does!" I nodded proudly as I snatched Soundbite back from Nami and replaced him on my shoulder.

"Cross, can I please go and kick that stupid pigeon guy's ass now?" Luffy growled as he fell back to the ground, steam dissipating from him as he seamlessly hauled himself back a bit.

"Wait just a minute, Luffy, while I explain the situation," I pleaded, before turning to face the crew as a whole. "Look, if it were as simple as just getting Robin back with us, don't you think she'd already have used her powers to at least try and get away from CP9 by now? The problem here is that she's a captive of the World Government, and there's one World Government protocol concerning Devil Fruit users that's almost immutable."

Vivi slapped a hand to her face with a groan. "Of course… she's wearing sea prism stone handcuffs…"

Every one of the crew that had been trapped in Crocodile's cage immediately growled in frustration. "I'm starting to get damn sick of that mineral always showing up to bite us in the ass," Zoro practically snarled.

"You, me, and every last pirate on the Line without access to it makes three million," I grumbled in agreement. "Anyway… odds are that a government base like this is going to have access to multiple pairs of handcuffs. And given what Fukuro was most likely going to say before we knocked him out, they've probably decided to try stalling us while they take Robin to the Gates of Justice. In order to do that, I'm going to hypothesize that they took every key to the handcuffs that they had in this tower and divided them among the agents here, probably in an attempt to slow us down by forcing us to gather all of the keys before going after Robin. But really, if they want to have the best chance of keeping the key from us, they'd give it to the strongest they could have."

"Which means—!" Luffy jerked forwards eagerly.

"But!" I cut him off with a raised finger. "They'd also need the key in here to keep us stalled here in the tower, and there's no way in hell Spandam is letting Rob Lucci more than a few feet away from him. Logically, this means that they gave the key to the second-strongest fighter CP9 has, who is currently in this building. Now, let's see…" I started knocking my fist against my head. "Fukuro came right to us and admitted to being weak, so there's no need to search him. Jabra and Blueno most likely weren't around long enough to pick up a key, so they're moot, too. Of the three remaining, we have Kaku, Kalifa and Kumadori."

"SO MANY JOKES about white hoods and burning crosses TO BE MADE…" Soundbite sighed wistfully.

"And so little time," I shot back without breaking my pose. "Anyway, considering the importance of the acquisition of Pluton's blueprints, I think that the second-strongest was in the team sent to Water 7, so that rules out Kumadori…" I snapped my fingers victoriously. "But if it were Kalifa, then Nami would never have been able to block her attack back on Water 7, so by process of elimination, it's Kaku who holds the key!"

Several of the crew were giving me quizzical looks, as they knew that I already knew where the key was. Rolling my eyes, I pointed to the bag hanging at my side, within which was held the means through which I was still broadcasting everything we were saying and doing to the entire world, and their looks faded into understanding.

"Sound logic, Cross," Franky said, giving a firm nod. "But if there are only three agents here and Luffy's going to be fighting Lucci, what do you expect the rest of us to do?"

I smirked cockily. "What else? Some of us will fight the agents so that we don't get jumped from behind, and some of us will follow Luffy to retrieve Robin. And the rest of us?" I slammed my fist into my palm. "We're going to act like the godforsaken pirates this world's decided to paint us as and tear this tower apart from top to bottom, looking for and subsequently taking anything of value."

I don't know if Soundbite provided the effect or not, but I distinctly heard a CHA-CHING! from Nami's general direction.

"Right! So," I clapped my hands together, and looked at my shoulder. "Before we move to the division of responsibilities, Soundbite, confirm positions of the enemy."

"Roger roger," the snail replied, concentrating briefly. "MMM… THIRTY STORIES above ground, TEN STORIES BELOW. They didn't spare any expenses. Kaku's on the fifteenth floor… KALIFA'S on the twenty-sixth… AND KUMADORI—URGH, he's SHAVING like mad, but he's somewhere in the TOP FIVE basements."

"And Robin?" Luffy pressed eagerly.

"Yeah yeah, LET ME JUST—WHAT THE FUCK!?"

I jumped in shock at the sudden bout of swearing. "What, what is it? What's wrong?"

Soundbite's eyestalks were darting around in infuriated confusion. "I-I DON'T—! One second I managed to find her, the next SHE WAS GONE!" He shook his head with a scowl. "Also, she was… underwater AND AT THE EDGE OF MY RANGE!? THIS DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE!"

"Some of it does," I growled, grinding the heel of my palm into my forehead as I put the pieces together. "There's no visible path from here to the Gates of Justice, and sailing there is impossible thanks to the whirlpools formed by the Gates interfering with the local currents, so underwater is the only place where the passageway between here and there could be. But the only way they'd be able to get there so fast is if—"

"If the pigeon bastard was carrying them while Shaving," Luffy deduced grimly.

"But why—?" I froze as a terrifying thought hit me. "Luffy… did Jabra happen to say why he decided to break ranks and come after you?"

Luffy's already grim expression became even grimmer than before. "Before he beat up the bull guy, he said something about how he'd been wanting to fight me for awhile. Something about the Back Fight, too. I wasn't really listening, though, I was too pissed."

"Yeah, that about figures…" I groaned, shaking my head. "Lucci may be the most composed out of all of CP9, but he and Jabra have the same kind of power: they're Carnivorous Zoans, meaning that their predatory instincts run on overdrive and their bloodlust is through the roof. Jabra just rushed at you because he had less discipline, but Lucci's keeping his head while working towards the same endgame. Odds are that he raced ahead as fast as he could just so he could get to the ideal battleground for fighting you. And in the process…"

I scowled grimly. "He's already cut our time down to a fraction by escorting Robin straight to the doorsteps of the Gate, so we can't waste any more time. Luffy, head straight for the docks and Soundbite will guide you to the secret passage that'll lead you down to the tunnel. From there, it's a straight shot to Lucci. Meanwhile, Vivi, Conis, Franky—!"

"Ah, actually!" Franky cut in with a raised hand. "I used a pretty damn cola-draining move back on the Puffing Tom, so I need to find this place's kitchen and recharge. And also…" He tapped a finger to his forearm. "I need to find some tools. I've been working on a combat upgrade for a while now, and it's almost done. I want to finish it up before I charge into a big-ass fight."

I frowned thoughtfully at the cyborg. "This upgrade any good?"

Franky gave a cocky smirk as he shot out a thumbs-up. "SUPER good, I guarantee it!"

I mulled it over for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, alright, fine. Best you get going now. Soundbite, make sure he stays away from Kumadori, alright?"

"He's fast, but he's also got THE VOICE OF A JUMBOTRON. Shouldn't be too tough."

"Thanks a lot. See you guys later!" Franky nodded before running off.

"Now, as I was saying… Vivi, Conis, Carue, Su, you follow Luffy and pass by to Robin. Give him a few minutes' lead to get Lucci properly occupied before continuing after him. And to that, I add the following: CHOP-CHOP!"

I jabbed my finger in the general direction of Enies Lobby's rear dock, and Luffy took that for the starting signal that it was and charged off with a war cry. Vivi and Conis hastily boarded Carue, who sped ahead to catch up to him. I observed the dust trail for a moment before looking back at the crew. "Zoro, Nami, Chopper, you know your opponents. Get going, and regroup here when you're done."

"Right," they intoned together, and sped off.

"Usopp, I'll be climbing the Tower alongside you, but you'll be heading to the roof. In the likely event that Spandam gets to that bridge before we do, it'll be up to you to make sure Robin stays safe until reinforcements arrive. Your Kabuto is the only weapon on the island capable of reaching its target from that distance. Take full advantage of that, and give them hell."

Usopp's grin was even wider than when Oimo and Kashi had joined our side as he stamped his Kabuto into the ground and struck what I'm sure he thought was a cool pose. "Fear not, for mask or no, I am the King of the Snipers! They'll barely know what hit them!"

"Perfect!" I grinned hesitantly. My reluctance was on account of the flashes of smiling ghosts flitting through my mind, but I dismissed those worries for the future, when we weren't at war with the World. "Anyway, Sanji, Boss, you're with us. This is still a government facility, and there's no telling who else is in this damn place. Kokoro, get Chimney and Gonbe to—"

I fell silent, blinking stupidly as I realized that the trio were nowhere to be seen. For a moment, I wondered where they'd gone and how they'd done that, but…

"You know what?" I said, throwing my hands up in the air. "Forget it, I'm not even going to try dealing with their particular brand of madness, with any luck they'll be where we need them when we need them. For now, everyone else? Just straight-up raise hell. Now…" I slammed my fist into my palm. "Let's do this."

And with that, I and almost everyone else made a beeline for the nearest staircase, noting Nami taking the Waver off of her back and boarding it before she followed. Chopper split off at the start, heading down instead of up, and Nami zoomed ahead of us on her Waver shortly after we got up the first staircase. And Zoro? Who knows where he went after we took our eyes off of him; I trusted he'd find his way to Kaku soon enough, but still…

"Dot dot dot dot! Wow, again AT A TIME LIKE THIS?" Soundbite remarked, drawing me out of my thoughts as we reached the third staircase. "Should we—?"

"Eh, don't see why not. Gimme a sec…" I dug through my bag and tapped the appropriate button.

"OK, YOU'RE LIVE… AAAND Gastro-Blur DONE!" he added, in response to the tapping on the other end.

"Hi, there! It's great that I finally managed to call in! Anyway, I have a question! You keep mentioning 'shaving,' what are you talking about? I mean—!"

-o-

"WHERE ARE YOU, AISA?! YOU GIVE THAT SNAIL BACK RIGHT NOW!"

The young oracle Aisa winced and hastily clammed up as the voice of her pseudo-big sister echoed through the forest, washing over her hiding place in the burrow of one of the higher trees of Upper Yard.

Ever since the Straw Hats had left, she had wanted to call in to talk with them, primarily to give Cross an earful for ruining her chance to join them, but only now had she gotten an opportunity, far away from anyone who could stop her.

Namely Laki, who'd been particularly adamant about the fact that she would only ever be becoming a pirate over her K.O.'d ass, provided that Aisa was the one to actually do the deed. Which was to say, not even close to soon.

Still, for now she'd managed to snatch a stray Transponder Snail while someone wasn't looking and hide herself away in a spot she knew was often patrolled, and thus the last place Laki would look or send someone to look, which led to her current situation. And, in a desire to not push her luck, she had elected to remain anonymous on the call for now.

"Sorry, issues on my end…" Aisa whispered after she was certain Laki had passed. "Anyway, I was gonna ask: are all of those assassin people Zoans or something?"

Almost instantly, the air was filled with raucous, multi-tonal laughter, and more than a little normal snickering to boot.

"Pffhaha, man, now that is a hilarious way of thinking about it!" Cross chuckled. "But, ah, no, it's nothing like that. It's part of these special martial arts they specialize in using. The Shave technique is a way of moving so fast that you seem to have disappeared. It's practically teleportation."

Aisa leaned forward in eager interest. "Really? Wow, that sounds so cool! And you said that it's just one, right? What about the rest?"

"Ah—!" Cross started to say, before cutting himself off and shaking his head. "Ah, yeah… Sorry, loyal viewer, but I don't think it would be a good idea to hand ready-made weapons to the entire world. Secrets are one thing, but this requires more, shall we say, consideration. After all…" Cross then regained his usual smirk. "If I was able to figure out the basics and get my crew on the way to learning them just by hearing about them, then anyone could!"

Aisa pouted for a moment, unable to argue with that point, but quickly brightened when the meaning of the words sunk in. "Yeah, that's fair. But then, you guys are actually learning how to use them?!"

"You're damn right we are! In fact, Sanji's already got one of them, and Usopp is well on his way to figuring out Shave!"

"Really, Tengu-Nose? That's awesome!" Aisa said, rocking back and forth in her sitting position.

"Heh, yeah, well, I don't have it quite figured out yet, so—! Eh? Wait a second…" Usopp's brow furrowed in confusion. "The last person to call me that was—! Wait, are you—!?"

"LOOK OUT!" Soundbite suddenly hollered.

"Eh—WAAAGH!"

"WHAT THE—USOPP!"

Aisa jumped and her eyes widened in response to the sudden SMASH! that erupted on the other end of the line, as well as the following cacophony. She then began shaking the now-nervous snail. "What's going on, you guys? What's happening, what's wro—"

Her words then died a very painful death as a strong, familiar hand gripped her skull, a matching hand moving forward and severing the connection to the SBS a moment later.

"You should be more concerned about yourself, Aisa," Laki crooned, her tone reminiscent of poisoned honey.

"…meep."

-o-

"Usopp, are you alright!?" I called out through the dust. Damn it, he'd been walking right in front of us and had thus been exactly underneath the… whatever it was that had smashed into the floor before us.

"Y-Y-Yeah, I t-t-think so. I-I-I even have some g-g-good news!" Usopp's voice sounded out… behind us?

I turned around and was treated to the sight of Usopp trembling fearfully in Boss's arms, Scooby-Doo style.

"I-I-I finally got the hang of S-S-Shave…" he chattered in terror.

Boss regarded Usopp flatly for a moment before snapping his arms away and letting the sniper drop on his ass.

"That's great, Usopp," the Dugong growled in a tone that was half-annoyed, half-sincere as he uncoiled his rope dart and started to spin it. "But what the heck was that?"

We all stood at ready as the dust cloud settled, before tensing in shock and horror as we caught sight of what, or rather who had come calling.

"…I think I'm flashing back to Krieg's invasion," Sanji whispered as his cigarette slipped out of his slack jaws.

I inched back nervously as I stared up and up and up at the fucking impossible opponent standing before us. "You mean the part where he got up in a berserker rage after Luffy had already won the fight and knocked the living daylights out of him?"

Sanji nodded numbly in agreement. "That's the one."

Jabra chose that moment to throw his head back and howl his fury to the heavens.

For a moment, as I backed away from the thoroughly tenderized wolf-man looking over us, I wondered how the hell someone who'd gone up against a legitimately ticked off Luffy could have possibly still been standing.

Then I noticed that his eyes were blank and bloodshot, he distinctly lacked any semblance of balance, and he was emitting very inhuman and very pained groans from his jowls.

Alright, so Jabra was barely conscious, if at all, but the fact remained that he was here and demonstrating the legitimately stupid amounts of resilience to punishment that Zoans were capable of.

"Sanji…" I muttered out of the corner of my mouth. "If he were actually conscious, I'd say that this would be easy. Right now, however, he's running on rage, adrenaline, and instinct, meaning that he is quite possibly feral and most likely more dangerous than he has ever been in his entire life. Do you think you can take him down in a single shot, before he can start reacting?"

Sanji bit down into a new cigarette and lit it, steadying himself with a deep breath. "I think I can damn well try."

"Good…"

Jabra suddenly fell onto all fours and shot at us like a bullet.

"Because here he comes!" I called back as Usopp and I ran to get the hell out of range.

Sanji promptly spun on his heel, not igniting it but undoubtedly heating it, and shot forward to meet the wolf. They were thirty feet apart… twenty… ten… fi—

SLAM! "Aroough…"

And Sanji skidded to a halt as a door of pure stone opened out of nowhere, slamming hard into Jabra's chops.

We had barely a second to stare before the origin of the door stepped out of it, and scowled down at the now actually unconscious wolf-man.

"I never expected to see you as such a pathetic weakling," Blueno growled as he slammed the wall shut behind him. "All that effort, all the shame you bring on the World Government, and you don't even have the decency to make it close?" He shook his head solemnly as he turned to face us. "You're a disgrace to Cipher Pol No. 9."

I stared in bemusement for a moment as I processed the situation. "Before anyone who's actually against him makes a move, a comrade that he had previously betrayed and condemned to death knocks him back out," I muttered to myself before tilting my head curiously. "Eesh, this isn't just similar, this is a downright cut-and-paste of Krieg."

"No kidding," Sanji shot over his shoulder before turning his attention back to the bull-horned man. "Still, even with that kind of grudge against him, I'm sort of surprised that you did that instead of letting him try to wear us down some."

"Hmph." Blueno cracked his neck coolly. "In retrospect, perhaps I should have. Even so, getting my revenge was my only reason for stopping here. In the end…" He stuck his arm out and pushed an Air Door open. "I am, above all else, a professional."

I felt my blood freeze for an instant as I stared into the off-color dimension that lay on the other side of the impossible portal before managing to get my voice working again. "STOP HIM!"

Sanji didn't need any more warning than that; before Blueno could move so much as an inch, he sprinted forward and—leapt into the portal?

"I'm sorry," Sanji sneered right in Blueno's face. "This establishment is closed for business." And with that, he grabbed the door with his own hand and slammed it in the assassin's face.

For a few seconds, nobody moved as we processed the situation.

"…He does realize that I am the only person with access to that dimension, yes?" Blueno finally spoke up as he directed his flat expression at me.

I gave him an equally neutral look as I crossed my arms. "You do realize that you are going to have to fight your way past him to enter that place, yes?"

There was the panic. It was only for a moment before he schooled himself, but damn if it didn't feel good.

That good feeling then went away real quick-like when he squared his shoulders and directed a scathing glare at us. "While that is a problem I will have to contemplate how to deal with, and while I'm no match for your captain…" He scowled irritably as he cracked his knuckles. "At least I can certainly deal with you two pests before you cause any more problems for us."

Usopp and I tensed in terror as we realized that we were essentially alone against a very ticked off assassin…

CLANG!

And then jumped as a superheated hook slammed into the stonework at Blueno's feet.

"Careful now, bull-boy," Boss growled as he snapped his hook back and started swinging it at his side, the air shimmering both from the heat and the sheer speed of the spin. "I've been looking forward to a good one-on-one brawl for awhile now. The last thing you want to do…" He suddenly grabbed the base of his dart and snapped the cable taut. "Is to threaten me with a good time."

Blueno's eyes narrowed. "As formidable as you are, surely you can't expect a mere animal to stand up to—"

Boss whipped his rope-dart to the side and smashed a sizeable hole in the wall. "I spar with the top three members of our crew on a regular basis," he stated firmly. "Try me."

Blueno remained mostly expressionless, but a slight twitch and a sheen of sweat betrayed how nervous he was. Finally, he shook his head with a sigh. "Your crew truly is the most outrageous of this generation, for a being less than human to be capable of fighting against one of us. Nevertheless, while I don't doubt that I can easily defeat you should I so wish…"

'Denial ain't just a river in Egypt,' I mused, but before I could voice that thought, Blueno vanished without warning, and the slipstream of wind following him caused us all to turn and face where he was standing at the head of the staircase leading down.

"In the end," he continued casually. "The mission takes priority, so I suggest that you all enjoy what few moments you have left alive while I rendezvous with my superior." He then glanced upwards with a long-suffering look. "For however much longer he remains our superior, at any rate…"

And with that, he vanished again, soliciting a growl from Boss as he rewound his weapon. "I really need to get the hang of that technique…" he muttered vehemently. "Still… I'm guessing we have to leave that fight to Sanji?"

"Pretty much, yeah," I confirmed. "Shouldn't be too much of a problem for him, though. After all, Blueno doesn't have any choice but to give him a literal opening if he wants to have any chance of getting control of his hidey-hole back. And giving Sanji an opening, especially when there's a lady's well-being at stake, and said lady is part of our crew?"

"Rocky mountain OYSTERS?" Soundbite leered.

"Bingo," I chuckled grimly.

"Ah… a-are you sure, Cross?" Usopp muttered warily. "I-I mean, I'm sure that in a straight-up fight, Sanji would wipe the floor with him, b-but he's locked himself in another dimension! This is a-as far from an even fight as possible!"

"Eh, don't worry 'bout a thing, Usopp," I waved him off casually as I started marching forward again. "If you have any doubts, all you have to do is remember the two most integral parts of our crew."

Usopp—along with Boss and Soundbite—blinked in confusion, prompting me to spin on my heel and shoot them a grin.

"Our crewmates…" My smile took on a menacing overtone. "And the reality-breaking levels of bullshit we are capable of."

-o-

"This…" Sanji bit out tiredly as he pumped his legs in an effort to keep pace with his opponent. "Was not… my smartest of plans!"

The Straw Hats' cook was currently in the process of rushing after the assassin, chasing his silhouette through the rippling green expanse of his dimension. Thoughts of Robin kept adrenaline flowing through his bloodstream, ensuring that he didn't grow tired, but at the same time he couldn't shake a growing queasiness in his gut. It had taken him a minute to realize that it was because of how stale the air was, no doubt on account of how there wasn't even a trace of wind blowing in the off-color realm to recirculate it.

His nausea barely registered in his mind, however, as he saw Blueno moving at a much more leisurely pace, heading straight towards a wide window. Sanji's mind instantly reached the correct conclusion.

"Moonwalk, damn it!" he cursed as he accelerated his pace.

It was a diabolical plan, ingenius in its simplicity: the bull probably thought that if he managed to leap outside and start Moonwalking all the way to the bridge, then he would be able to lose Sanji and leave him high and dry in the twisted dimension he was hiding in. And the worst part of it all was that he was right; of the three leg-based techniques Cross had informed the crew of, Moonwalk was the one he'd dedicated the least amount of time to. Unless Sanji could stop Blueno from getting outside and away, then not only would he be left stranded for all eternity, but worse yet, he wouldn't make it in time to save Robin-chwan.

Gritting his teeth, Sanji leapt forward. "Collier Shoot!"

His aim was true, but he simply soared through…

CRACK!

And slammed into the solid stone wall adjacent to the window before falling onto his back with a pained grimace. "Damn it, since when the hell are walls that tough?!" Sanji bit out as he got back to his feet and rubbed his throbbing leg. He then turned to look at Blueno… who was looking in his direction with a smirk. He'd felt that, but it was completely useless!

"AAAAAARGH!" the chef roared in frustration, turning back with every intention of venting his frustration on the impervious wall he'd impacted—

Before freezing an inch from the stonework, on account of a very specific detail having caught his eye.

Sanji leaned in for a closer look…

And then adopted a truly devilish grin.

"Cross is right," he chuckled. "Applied bullshit is our area of expertise."

-o-

Blueno directed a smug smirk at where the rush of wind he assumed to be the pirate cook had most likely ended up; it had been a slight detriment to the Door-Door Fruit's usefulness in assassinations to learn that even superhuman force on that side was only capable of creating a breeze against any organic matter, but for once, that was working in his favor.

He maintained his smirk as he turned back towards the window and tensed his legs, preparing to leave his annoyance behind—

THWACK!

—and promptly had his concentration shattered by a hard impact to the back of his head. The attack itself didn't seriously hurt him in spite of the lack of Iron Body, but it still triggered a flinch of pain. Blueno stood, his head on a swivel as he looked back and forth in confusion. "What on earth—!?" The assassin cut his own question off when he located the answer.

Leaning down, he picked up the slightly bloodied rock that had hit him, looking it over in confusion. "What the…?"

CRACK!

Blueno's head snapped around to the window that was to be his point of egress and gaped in shock at the impossible sight before him.

Namely, the sight of a chunk of stone that had been broken off from the window sill floating in mid-air, wavering up and down as though someone were balancing it on… their…

'I-It can't be…' Blueno thought numbly, his mind refusing to accept the sight before him. 'I-I've tried affecting inorganic matter in that dimension countless times in the past, all of us have! O-Only Lucci, Kaku, and Jabra made any progress, because it requires ten times the normal amount of force to do anything in order to affect this side from that one! That's just not—!'

THWACK!

Blueno was forced to cut his internal rant short when the chunk of stone suddenly whipped forward and forced him to dodge. The stone harmlessly smashed against the wall behind him, but he still stared at its fragments in horror.

Then, without even a moment's pause, the assassin blurred towards the window. 'Need to get out,' he thought in a panic as his composure shattered. 'Need to get away, need to get away fast before—!'

Blueno had barely even taken a step when he found another chunk of stone speeding towards his face.

'Iron Body: Strength!' he thought desperately as he initiated the technique. For a moment, he felt what he always felt when he used his ultimate variation on Iron Body: he felt relief. He felt reassured, he felt safe. He felt invincible.

Then a chunk of stone barely bigger than his fist caved his face in, swiftly followed by his body smashing into and through the wall behind him.

Blueno lay stunned for a moment, spitting and groaning miserably as his mind processed what the hell had just happened. His ultimate Iron Body was broken, he himself punted through a wall, and his entire body in nothing short of a legitimate assload of pain.

'T-The stone…' he thought numbly as he forced his body to stand. 'I-Instead of throwing it, h-he used the stone to transfer his k-kick across the d-dimensional barrier…'

And getting back up, what he saw next made whatever blood was left in his face evacuate it.

Half a dozen fist-sized stones moved around in thin air, juggled by an unseen pair of feet. As Blueno took in the sight, he voiced his thoughts in a tone filled with nothing short of utter horror.

"What the hell kind of monsters are you people?"

At that point, stones started shooting towards him like cannonballs, and he did the only thing he could.

He turned tail and ran.

-o-

Kalifa reclined in the straight-backed chair she'd positioned in the center of her room, reading a good book that she had borrowed from Kaku. She gave no indication that she was paying attention to any of her surroundings. At least, not until she suddenly snapped up her arm, which was clad in a black opera glove, causing a metal orb attached to a long pole to bounce off with an audible clang. In spite of her sudden movement and the impact striking her arm, however, she didn't look away from her book. A moment later, the smell of ozone reached her nostrils.

"I'm afraid that won't do you any good," Kalifa said casually. "These gloves I'm wearing are well-insulated, as are my boots. I'm not so foolish as to fall for the same ploy twice in a row, I'll have you know."

"Tsk," came the disembodied huff of the Straw Hats' navigator. "I wouldn't be too sure of that; the only insulator that can't be overcome with a strong enough charge is my captain, and that's only because his skull is as thick as iron plating."

"I believe that," Kalifa drawled, before shifting slightly in her chair. "But I daresay that the same can't be said for you." She suddenly twisted about in her seat, lashing out her leg in an impressive display of acrobatics. "TEMPEST KICK!"

Nami swiftly threw herself backwards in response, rolling out from under the pocket of reflective air she'd erected and popping up into a ready stance as she glared cold fronts at her opponent. "Missed me," she taunted in a somewhat forced catty tone.

"Hmph. Indeed…" Kalifa mused as she marked her page and set her book aside before standing up, primly adjusting her glasses in the process. "I suppose I'll just have to try harder, then, won't I?"

The assassin blurred from sight without any warning, causing Nami to jerk in shock at the lack of verbal warning for the technique. Then, without conscious decision, Nami's fingers flew over the controls of her Clima-Tact and iron cloud surged from the butt of her staff, forming a wall behind her just in time to halt Kalifa's index finger, causing the assassin to leap back, scowling as she clutched her slightly bent digit.

No words were shared between the opponents. Nami merely spun around and swung her Clima-Tact out, crackling with electricity.

"Paper Art," her opponent whispered, bending a full ninety degrees at the waist to go under the swing, before bending even further onto her hands and kicking her feet off the ground.

"Tempest Kick: Doble!" she called out, her legs lashing out a double-sized helping of the razor-sharp wind. As the assassin completed the flip and landed back on her feet, she was disappointed to see the attack break against the wall of iron cloud like a wave over a rock.

There was no time for anger, though, as a crackle of light drew her attention up and to the black cloud above her head crackling with electricity, as well as the fact that Nami had her staff raised high.

"LIGHTNING TEMPO!" she cried out, and swung the staff down.

"Shave!" Kalifa cried out, zipping away from the almost-formed lightning bolt.

The two fighters eyed each other warily as the assassin came out of her Shave, the lightning burning a hole the increasingly abused floor.

After a moment, Kalifa blurred into another wordless Shave, Nami swinging her clouds around behind her again. As expected, this left them in perfect position to intercept a… normal kick? The navigator blinked in surprise, then in panic as her opponent used the clouds to launch a Shave up-and-over, before her clouds could react appropriately, be it consciously or otherwise.

"Tempest Kick!" Kalifa announced with a smirk, and Nami was forced to dive to the side and roll, and even then the razor wind nicked her side. She then shoved her staff up as Kalifa pounced, lashing out with a full spread of side kicks. Heeled shoes met the metal staff, a Finger Pistol was avoided by the slimmest of margins, and then a knee strike was stopped with her staff.

"Moonwalk," Kalifa intoned, the leg locked in the knee strike pushing off the air, allowing her other leg to slam into Nami's side and send her tumbling.

"A valiant attempt," the assassin gloated as she casually strolled over to where Nami was clutching her side and wheezing. "That cloud defense was formidable. But without it, you don't have anythi—!"

THWACK!

Suddenly, the staff became a blur of blue and she felt one of the metal balls bounce off her forehead before she could re-establish the Iron Body she'd let slip, triggering a reflexive Shave backwards. She fingered the nascent goose egg with a pained hiss before freezing as a grim chuckle hit her ears, and she snapped a scathing glare at where the navigator was starting to work her way to her feet.

"Y-You think that hurt?" Nami smirked, her expression the height of smugness in spite of the hand clutching the spot where Kalifa had hit her. "Please, I've run into sharks that hit harder than you."

Kalifa scowled darkly, but before she could respond—

KEE-RASH!

—both she and Nami jumped in shock and looked downwards in confusion when the Tower of Justice was suddenly rocked by a massive impact.

"What the hell was that? An earthquake?" Nami demanded.

"Enies Lobby doesn't get earthquakes," Kalifa responded sourly, though with no less curiosity.

"SERIOUSLY!?"

They received the answer to their question a moment later, as Cross' furious voice filled the air.

"Alright, who laughed at the giraffe!?" Cross demanded. "Who the hell is responsible for making me utter the phrase 'Who laughed at the giraffe' in complete and utter seriousness and context!?"

"Sorry, sorry, that was my bad!" Boss promptly apologized. "Zoro and Kaku almost landed on top of me while I was checking out this garden room of theirs and, well…" He trailed off into helpless snickers. "I got one look at the guy's face and… w-when he started talking about the 'destructive powers of giraffes', I-I just couldn't stop myself! I, ah, skedaddled soon after, though, don't worry, I won't get in Zoro's way."

"Well, now he's gone and cut the whole frickin' Tower of Justice in half, and I'm in the loose half! I hope you're proud of yourself."

"…little bit, honestly, yeah. For you see—!"

"I don't give a shit if it's a Man's Romance or a Manatee's, I'm still freaking pissed! I hope you're happy with whatever the hell it is that you managed to grab, because you're going to get the hell up here right now! GOT IT!?"

"Yeah, yeah, I got it. Damn slave-drivin' sonnuva…"

"What does it say about my sanity that I'm not even remotely fazed by any of this?" Nami groaned miserably.

"You…"

Nami blinked and glanced at Kalifa in confusion. "Eh? Did you just say—?"

SNICK!

Her question died in her throat when an impossibly fast blade of wind passed mere millimeters from her face, liberating a few stray strands of hair and a trail of blood.

"You damn pirates…" Kalifa hissed as she slammed her raised leg back to the ground, her eye twitching furiously. "Do you not understand what kind of a situation this is? Do you not comprehend the sheer implications?! This is life and death, the harshest kind of conflict in existence, and yet you are making light of it! How dare you be so blasé, how dare you mock my profession, my life!?"

Nami recoiled slightly at the uncharacteristic rage the assassin was exhibiting, her mind fumbling to come up with a response. "I-I don't know what to tell you…" she hedged. "We're not mocking you or anything, we're not joking around. This is just…" She spread her arms helplessly. "This is just how we are."

Going by how something seemed to snap behind Kalifa's eyes, that was not the right response.

"BUBBLE MASTER!" she shouted, sliding her hands down her arms and flushing out a flood of suds that surged and gushed around her and filled her half of the room. The mass of bubbles roiled wildly, shapes similar to ram horns bucking and rearing throughout the froth. "SOAP SHEPHERD!"

Nami swallowed heavily as she took a hesitant step backwards. However, even as she started spinning up her staff and pumping up her Eisen Cloud behind her to match the most threatening bubbles she'd ever seen in her life, a thought came unbidden to her mind. 'What was it that Su said Cross said back on Skypiea? Anger leads to distraction, and distraction leads to…' Nami hesitated slightly before adopting a somewhat mad grin. 'Oh, what the hell, she's already ticked, might as well see how far I can take it!'

"Maybe Conis misinformed me," Nami called out in a taunting tone. "But I thought you said that you'd sooner kiss Cross than take his advice? Because from my point of view…" Nami kicked her grin up a few molars, her Eisen Cloud looming around her. "You're looking really bubbly right now."

If Nami's comment about the way they were had made Kalifa snap, that taunt made her straight-up shatter.

"BUBBLE MASTER: SOAP STAMPEDE!" Kalifa roared as she shoved her arms forwards and sent her bubbles charging ahead, roiling over and over one another.

"EISEN TEMPO!" Nami bellowed back, swinging her staff down and letting the iron clouds behind her cascade out to meet the soapy charge head-on.

The two primal forces of white smashed together in the middle of the room, and the fight kicked itself right into high gear.

-o-

"You sure you'll be alright, Cross?" Usopp asked in equal parts nervousness and concern as we stood before a notably ornate door.

"Don't worry about me, Usopp," I said dismissively without taking my eyes off the door. "If worst comes to worst, Lassoo, Soundbite, and my armor should be enough to fend off anyone weaker than CP9, and none of them are standing guard here!" I then paused and glanced over at Soundbite. "They aren't, right?"

"Nope," Soundbite shook his head confidently. "The trio of the—!"

"If you say anything about hoods, nooses, or crosses, I will slap the insensitive out of you," I promised solemnly.

The snail bit his tongue with a reluctant grimace. "Anyway… they're all where THEY SHOULD BE. CHOPPER STARTED FIGHTING the big-mouth awhile back, THEY'RE ABOUT NECK-AND-NECK!" He adopted an impressed look. "The pipsqueak might not DOWN RUMBLE BALLS OFTEN, but when he does, DAMN."

Usopp hesitated for a few more seconds before nodding. "Well… alright, if you say so. Good luck, guys."

"Like I don't already have all of it," I chuckled back.

With a final shaky grin, Usopp vanished. Squinting, I was able to keep track of him for a second as he sped up the stairs before he was out of sight. Geeze, I'd known he could probably learn how to Shave, but to master it this fast? Well… then again, I was only half-joking back when I was recommending who learn what.

Shaking those thoughts off, I looked back at the massive double doors leading to Spandam's office. "Soundbite, am I clear?" I asked quietly.

"I don't hear ANYONE," the snail replied.

I nodded firmly, pushed open one of the doors—

"…Soundbite?"

"Yeah?"

"I hate you."

"I'M STARTING TO agree with YOU."

"Quiet, pirate scum!"

And found myself staring down the barrel of a flintlock pistol held by a Government agent.

I tilted my head to the side so as to better shoot a dumbfounded look at my assailant. "How even—?" I requested. "I'm honestly curious here, he has a Devil Fruit! That shouldn't even be possible!"

The suit-clad agent smirked menacingly at me. "We agents of the World Government aren't like your average Marines, pirate. We're highly trained in all manners of skill, stealth included. You'd be surprised at just how quiet somebody can be when they put their mind to it. Now, then…" He drew out his other hand and spun a pair of handcuffs around his finger. "You're under arrest."

I swallowed heavily as I slowly slid my foot back, furiously trying to figure out how the hell I was going to get out of this mess.

"I knew we should have taken that left turn on the tenth floor, but YU said to go left."

The Agent and I snapped our attentions—and weapon, in the Agent's case—to Soundbite, who'd spoken up in a very… familiar…

Soundbite angled his eyestalk in such a way so as to subtly wink at me.

Oh, that crazy mucus-covered son of a bitch, this could actually work.

"Are you kidding!?" I spluttered indignantly, drawing the Agent's gun back in my direction. "That is a complete and utter lie! You told me that this was the safest route to go!"

"NO I DIDN'T, YU DID!" Another shift, with the Agent starting to look confused.

"What!?" I angled myself slightly so that I could get a better look at the snail. "I didn't say that, it was you!"

"RIGHT!" I jerked my shoulder holding Soundbite forward, emphasizing his own bark. "YU SAID TO GO RIGHT!"

"I just said it wasn't me!" I slid my foot forwards.

"AND I'M NOT SAYING IT WAS YOU! I SAID IT WAS YU!"

"THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SE—!"

I abruptly cut myself off as I jerked across the last of the distance separating me from the agent, jerked my Taser Baton from my pocket and slammed it into the Agent's gut, laying him out with a single ZAP!

For a moment, I just stared at his unconscious form in awe. "…We just managed to weaponize Abbott and Costello," I breathed numbly.

"WE'RE AWESOME!" Soundbite whooped.

"Who're Abbott and Costello?" Lassoo spoke up.

I froze for a moment before rolling my eyes and starting to scan around. "Right, that tears it. Soundbite, while I search this place for something useful, do the world a favor and broadcast the Who's On First sketch. It's a crime that they've never had the chance to hear such classic genius."

"With pleasure!" the snail cheered. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, we present an intermission in the STRAW HAT PIRATES' invasion of ENIES LOBBY for the first ever SBS COMEDY CORNER!"

Snickering as I imagined how many people all over the world would be rolling on the ground laughing, I moved past the insensate Agent—though I took the time to lock his own handcuffs on him and kick the gun to the other side of the hall—and into the office proper. It looked vaguely familiar (how could it not?), half-gaudy and half-utilitarian… and half-gone, thanks to my earlier efforts with the mortar cannons.

"Alright," I mused under my breath as I wrung my hands together. "Let's get started."

-o-

'I will not laugh,' Buggy repeated in his mind. 'I will not laugh. No matter how flashy or how humorous, I refuse on my pride as a pirate to let that crew, any member of that crew, bring me to laughter!'

And yet, the fact that several of his own men were already cracking up, along with the straight-up hilarity of the broadcast's opening, was swiftly eroding his endurance.

"What's the fella's name on third base?"

"What's the fella's name on second base!"

"I won't."

"I'm not askin' ya who's on second!"

"Who's on first!"

"I can't…"

"I don't know!"

"Third base!"

"I can't," Buggy snorted. "I can't… hold it in… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

-o-

"The left fielder's name?"

"Why."

"…I don't know. I just thought I'd ask ya!"

"Well, I just thought I'd tell ya!"

"How did we never hear such an incredible baseball joke?" Miss Merry Christmas cackled.

"Haaaaahaaaaahaaaaa…" Mister 4 started rocking back and forth in his seat as he clapped his hands and laughed.

Paula shot a dubious glance at him. "You actually understand their jokes?"

"Yeeeessss!" Mister 4 nodded as tears started to slide from the corners of his eyes. "'Whhhoooooo' iiiiissss oooooon fiiiiiirst! Hiiiiiilaaaaaaariiiiiiiooooouuuuussss!"

Paula and Christmas promptly exchanged flat looks.

"I'm not explaining second through centerfield," Christmas grunted.

"I'll second that."

-o-

"Tell me the pitcher's name!"

"Tomorrow!"

"What time?"

"What time what?"

"What time tomorrow are ya gonna tell me who's pitching?!"

"Now, hold on, Who is not pitching—"

"I'LL BREAK YOUR ARM IF YOU SAY 'WHO'S ON FIRST!'"

"Yukeeheehee, yukeeheehee, yukeeheeheeheeheeeee!"

The sadist in a child's body looked over the top of her book with a flatly cocked eyebrow, observing her sister's laughter slowly growing into a belly-jiggling guffaw. "Really, now?" she asked flatly. "You read Vonnegut, and this is what you consider humorous."

"Yukeeheehee," Monet laughed around the hands she had clasped over her mouth, tears of laughter flowing ceaselessly. "H-He asked—! A-And he said—! T-Tomorro-hohohoooooh I can't breathe! Heeheehee, heehee—EEK!"

Sugar's eyebrow raised up a bit when Monet suddenly overbalanced and tumbled out of her seat. And then her expression fell flat when her sister's laughter intensified, if anything.

She returned her attention to her book with a weary sigh. "One of the greatest infiltrators of our generation, folks…" she muttered to herself.

-o-

"You throw the ball to first base!"

"And who gets it?!"

"Naturally!"

"…Who gets it?"

"Naturally."

"Naturally?"

"Naturally."

"OK… so I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it—"

The volume of laughter on the back of the giant elephant suddenly crescendoed, the vast majority of the Mink tribe familiar with baseball due to outsiders' information, and subsequently seeing every bit of the humor in the current SBS.

"He throws the ball to Naturally—GORONYANYANYANYA!" Nekomamushi roared.

"I… I'm getting the plays on words, but… but what's baseball?" Carrot gasped through her giggles.

"A—hahaha!—llow me to explain, Carrot," Inuarashi proposed around his own laughter. "F-Fair warning, this'll t-take a minute!"

-1 minute later-

"And that's the game!" the large dog concluded with a firm nod.

"Wow, that sounds like fun!" the rabbit-mink nodded her head eagerly as she directed a grin at her superior. "Maybe we could all play together sometime!"

The laughter of the two Dukes of Zou suddenly stopped, thoughtful looks on their faces. After a moment of contemplation, wide, toothy grins spread across their faces.

"I think…" Inuarashi rumbled as he tossed a too-wide leer at his nocturnal counterpart. "That that is a very good idea."

"As do I," Nekomamushi concurred, a glint in his eye.

Wanda's heart sank as she observed the way the rival rulers were eyeing one another, but she ultimately dismissed it and deferred to her dukes' superior judgement.

In the following weeks, that day would be marked as the day that the Ruler's Aide known as Wanda vowed that by hook or by crook, she would have her revenge on Jeremiah Cross.

-o-

"Why? I don't know! He's on third… and I don't give a darn!"

"What was that?"

"I said I don't give a darn!"

"Ohhh, he's our shortstop!"

"And that's the gag!" Soundbite concluded with a smirk.

"HWEE-HWEE-HWEE-HWEE-HWEE!" Lassoo guffawed on my back. "Man, that's nothing short of comedy gold!"

"Yep," I muttered acridly as I finished patting down the bottom of yet another shelf and slammed it shut. "Pure genius, right there, damn it all…"

I would have been in a better mood had things been going my way—no matter how many times I heard that sketch, it never stopped being funny—but the fact was that I was a little grumpy at the moment considering that the last eight minutes of combing every part of the office, starting with the desk, had yielded nothing but a goose egg.

And a rotten one at that. Seriously, how the hell did you get an egg stuck down—! Ergh, I didn't even want to know.

"Hwee-hwee—Eh?" Lassoo came down from his laughter and glanced curiously over my shoulder. "What the heck have you been looking for, anyway?"

"I don't know, something, anything?!" I threw my hands up in exasperation. "We're in the middle of the headquarters of the chief of CP9, who just so happens to have been all but born a corrupt asshat. I was sure that there would be something I could find in this office and broadcast that would, at worst, utterly ruin Spandam beyond what we already have, but at best?" I grinned euphorically. "At best, he'd have something that would make Dragon the Revolutionary feel like his birthday came early!"

"And ya think that what we've done so far hasn't done that? He's probably laughin' his head off," Lassoo mused.

"Meh," I waved my hand casually. "We've done good, yeah, and call me an overachiever if you must, but!" I snapped a finger up. "I just can't help the feeling that we can do better."

Lassoo then proved that a gun could, in fact, shrug if it was so inclined. "Well… I'm no expert, but my old masters were assassins. Maybe ya need to put yerself in his shoes." He then grimaced in disgust. "Ugly as they may be…"

I considered that for a moment before nodding to myself, and heading back to the desk before sinking into Spandam's chair. "Alright, then… so, if I were a subhuman degenerate, where would I want to keep… my… huh?"

I slowly allowed a grin to spread over my face as I felt something shifting.

"Right where I see the rest of the world, situated…" I breathed as I got out of the seat and crouched down, poking at the loose stonework below. "Right beneath my feet." I shot a smirk over my shoulder. "Lassoo? Remind me to buy you a week's worth of steak when we get back to Water 7."

"Praise be to Doggy Jesus!"

I raised an eyebrow in disbelief. "There's a doggy Jesus?"

"…well, I assume."

I rolled my eyes before returning my attention to the flagstone. "Alright, let's see… shouldn't be too hard to open this… maybe something he'd press with his heel—?" I pressed down on the south side of the stone, causing the tile to tilt upwards and give me enough room to grab it and lift it out, following which I was met with the sight of…

My grin widened as I observed the triple-dials of the floor-vault below me. "Oh, if this isn't something incriminating, I'm going to be pi~ssed…"

"Ya know the important dates in his life?" Lassoo asked.

"Better." I took Soundbite off of my shoulder and placing him on the vault's door. "I know the phrase 'Gastro-Blast.'"

"OPEN SAYS-A-ME!"

A cacophony of shattering metal rang out and I managed to wrench the metal door clean out of its holding.

"Who needs intel when you have an appropriately heavy fist, huh?" Lassoo snickered.

"Damn straight," I nodded as I returned Soundbite to my shoulder. "Now, let's see what we have here…" I fished around in the safe for a moment, but it ultimately proved to be a needless gesture. After all, the safe only contained one object.

I looked over the yearbook-sized black leather binder I was holding with and let out a low whistle. "Oh, pleeease be something good, I'm begging you…" I muttered as I laid the binder on the desk and loomed over it. "Alrighty, then, let's see what we've got."

I inched my fingers beneath the cover—

"CROSS, DOWN!"

Before hastily slamming myself onto the desk in reaction to Boss roaring out of nowhere. The next second, I felt the wind of what could only be Boss's rope-dart shooting over me followed by it smashing into something BEHIND ME?!

I grabbed the binder and dove over the desk, putting as much distance between myself and my attacker before spinning around to catch sight of them.

Suffice to say they were the absolute last person I expected to see.

"What the actual—!?" I sputtered incredulously. "Jabra I kind of get, but how in the insane Blue hell are you still standing?!"

"Chapapapa~…" Fukuro chuckled darkly in spite of how he was waving out a visibly distorted finger. "I guess you don't know as much as you think. Well, there's no harm in telling you at this point: We CP9 agents tend to measure the strength of our agents through the usage of what we call 'power levels'. At least one agent per generation is required to know the technique to calculate power levels, which involves the other agents striking the calculator with a significant amount of force. As such… I've been trained so that no matter how powerful a hit is, I can take at least one without too much damage."

He rubbed his jaw with a scowl. "Still, though, your captain was pretty tough, so I Shaved backwards at the last moment, to roll with the punch. It hurt like hell and dazed me for a bit, but I still managed to get back up, chapapa."

"I see, that makes sense. Just one more thing, then," I nodded in a faux-casual manner before jabbing my finger at my shoulder with a scowl. "How the hell did you circumvent Soundbite's senses?"

"Chapapa… As you said earlier, I am the gossip-loving Silent Owl," Fukuro grinned tauntingly. "We of CP9 are all naturally trained for stealth. I just happen to be more skilled than most."

"I'm starting to feel rather IMPOTENT…" Soundbite moaned softly.

"Don't worry, it happens to the best of us," Boss said dismissively, his attention never swaying from the rotund opponent before us. "Anyways, if'n you boys don't mind, I'll take on this owly doughboy, you all get back to whatever it was you were doing. Sound good?"

"I'm content with that particular arrangement," I nodded swiftly.

"Go right ahead," Lassoo concurred.

"BATTER up!" Soundbite concluded.

"Feh," Fukuro spat to the side, scowling. "Please. Your tenacity has been impressive so far, chapapa, but the fact is that I'm a master of the Six Powers, and that you are only a martial artist. These is no style in existence that can match it!"

"Counterexample: the wolf Zoan currently out cold after fighting our captain," Boss deadpanned.

"Allow me to rephrase, then," Fukuro snarled. "Your style can't match it!" And with that, he suddenly shot towards us, spinning furiously. "SHAVE, IRON BALL!"

I took a fearful step back, but Boss didn't hesitate to waddle forwards, his head bowed solemnly.

"Yeah, you're right…" he said softly even as his opponent approached. "I've spent years finalizing my mastery over the Half-Shell Style, and I don't doubt that your Six Powers could crush it in a second. Which means that my only option left…"

He promptly snapped his arms up and crossed them before his face with a determined look.

"Is to kick it up a notch!"

SLAM!

Fukuro's spinning form struck Boss, but the technique that had sent a body that was literally half-iron flying uncontrollably failed to make the much smaller and much fleshier Dugong move more than half a meter, if that.

As soon as his spin started to fail, Fukuro kicked away from Boss and flipped back across the room, where he stared at the dugong in disbelief. "T-That's impossible…" the assassin gaped in shock. "T-That was Iron Body!"

"Close," the dugong intoned firmly as he broke his stance, fists still raised and at ready. "My personal variation for the working dugong's body: Full-Shell Style: Shell Body."

"What the hell?" I gaped. "I never saw you practicing any of the Six Powers even once over the past few weeks!"

Fukuro spared me a look of equal parts horror and anger while Boss rolled his eyes. "That doesn't mean I wasn't practicing in my spare time. Plus, some offense Cross, but in this instance your descriptions were utter shit. I didn't make a lot of progress until about, oooh, ten minutes ago? When I found this." The dugong whipped a rather ornate scroll from his shell and waved it around. "In the garden-room a few floors below. Quite a few notes on it too, very useful. Whoever was using it to review was impressively studious."

Fukuro's eye twitched vehemently. "And Jabra has the gall to call me an idiot, chapapa!" His scowl then deepened and started twitching. "But that still doesn't make any sense! We've spent literally our entire lives learning the Six Powers and improving our mastery over them! The only ones who have ever been able to pick up the techniques that fast are Marines ranked at least Vice Admiral, and they cheat to learn even half of it!"

"Honestly?" Boss allowed a slight smirk to tug at his lips. "All I took away from that little rant is that your old masters deserve nothing short of the utmost pity for having such utterly hopeless students."

"…Alright, that's it. Now I'm angry! SHAVE!" Fukuro screeched before vanishing into a blur.

"Rip Current," Boss stated flatly as he slapped his flipper on the ground before vanishing in an identical manner. The twin blurs clashed in midair, fist against flipper, following which Fukuro attempted to spin away back to the ground—

"YEOWCH!"

Only to discover that Boss' Thermal Dart was latched onto his uniform, which meant that he ended up on the ground wrapped up in a rope coat. A searing hot rope coat.

"Now, then, let's see how strong your resistance really is. Half-Shell Style…"

Boss yanked on the rope, drawing Fukuro back into the air and into Boss's range. The dugong shot at him, and his fist slammed into the agent to send him crashing back into the ground, a crater forming. Then Boss spun around, reeling Fukuro back up like a yo-yo and slamming his flipper into him, following which he flipped his opponent above him and used him as a springboard to shoot him up into the air while he himself leapt back down to the ground. Once there, Boss yanked on his rope-dart, bringing Fukuro straight down…

CRACK!

And onto Boss' outstretched fist.

"Barracuda Barrage!"

Taking in the undeniably epic sight, I fought with myself for a moment before sighing. "Don't expect me to say this again without a damn good reason, but… GO, BOSS, GO!" I cheered.

Boss shot a grin my way before spinning on his tail, swinging Fukuro around like a hammer throw before jerking his rope and uncoiling his weapon, sending the assassin flying out the hole in the wall and out of sight. "Much obliged, Cross, but I've got every doubt that that was enough to finish him. I'll meet up with you again when he's knocked out for real."

With that, he leapt straight up into the air—

"Tidal Swim!"

—and practically kicked himself off the air, shooting out the open wall, and then redirecting himself to shoot downwards and out of sight.

"MONSTER QUARTET confirmed?" Soundbite whistled in awe.

"Eh, we'll see," I wavered my hand uncertainly. "I doubt that knowing the Six Powers will make that much of a difference against the original trio, not when they're learning it themselves. For now, though…" I held up the binder as I was carrying. "Let's see what muck we've managed to dig up, aye?"

"AYE-aye!" the snail concurred.

"We about to make Spandam's life miserable?" Lassoo growled eagerly as I returned to the desk and tossed the binder onto it.

"His and that of every last one of the World Government's higher-ups." I wrung my hands together eagerly. "Now, once again, o world… let's see what we've got."

And so, without further ado, I flipped the cover open, scanned the first page…

And had to actively fight to keep myself from cackling.

"Ooooh, yeah, this'll do nicely," I crooned. "Ladies and gentlemen of the world, what I have discovered and am about to publicize…"

-o-

"Is nothing less than Cipher Pol No. 9's very own operational blackbook."

"OF COURSE! WHY WOULD IT BE ANYTHING ELSE?! WHY WOULD I EXPECT ANYTHING ELSE?!"

"Sir, your blood pressure!"

"DAMN MY BLOOD PRESSURE!" Admiral of the Fleets Sengoku roared to the medical aide trailing after him as he marched down one of Marineford's many docks. "THAT INCOMPETENT MORON THAT WE MADE THE EARTHSHAKING MISTAKE OF PUTTING IN CHARGE OF CP9 JUST HANDED THAT LOUD-MOUTHED HELLSPAWN THE VOCAL EQUIVALENT OF A GOLDEN TRANSPONDER SNAIL, AND HE IS ABOUT TO PUBLICIZE IT TO THE WORLD! HOW THE HELL DOES A BLACKBOOK EXIST FOR CP9 IN THE FIRST PLACE!?"

Sengoku wasn't the only one wondering this, as evidenced by the snail the aide was carrying speaking up in a certain canine-cannon's voice. "A blackbook!? But that's impossible! From everything that we've seen, Cipher Pol No. 9 is a black ops unit! That means that there are no traces of their existence for the sake of plausible deniability! Any reports should have been summarily destroyed once they were confirmed!"

"Yes, Lassoo, but you're forgetting one very important detail," Cross grinned excitedly. "Spandam is the textbook definition of what is known as a malignant narcissist, and CP9 is the source of his ego. He considers their achievements to be his achievements and he revels in them, but because of how fragile his ego actually is, he needs constant self-reassurance to keep believing in his high and mighty attitude. That's where these—" There was the sound of a finger tapping paper. "Come in. These are Spandam's trophies. Proof of every last operation that he's ever pulled off for the World Government, every last victory meant to pump himself up… and most importantly, in this instance?"

Cross's smile became demonic. "Insurance that if Spandam makes it off of this island alive, he's going to wish beyond all shadows of all hopes that we had killed him… which, naturally, means that we're going to have to refrain from doing so. To every last Marine, Government worker, and Revolutionary on the face of the planet!" the pirate suddenly barked eagerly. "I suggest that you all buckle up. You're about to get busy."

"Right, that does it!" Sengoku barked as he accelerated his pace and started marching up the nearest gangplank he could find. "Forget the timeline! Spandam's a dead man no matter what he does, the fleet mobilizes NOW!"

"B-B-B-But, sir, you should be resting—GYERK!"

The doctor's insistence was cut off by Sengoku spinning on his heel and slamming the pole of the IV drip he was carrying into the wood.

"You seem to have failed to take something into account during your diagnosis, Doctor," the enlightened human growled acridly. "I am no mere human being. I am Sengoku, Fleet Admiral of the World Government's Marine Corps. I might be older than Whitebeard by five years, but the fact remains that it will take far more than one measly heart attack caused by one measly pirate to incapacitate me and keep me from popping his head from his scrawny neck." He leaned in and snarled in the medical officer's face. "Do. I. Make. Myself. Clear?"

The doctor had to fight very hard to keep himself under control as he shook his head with a slight whimper. "J-Just promise that you'll k-keep your cannula in place? P-Please?"

Sengoku grimaced as he thumbed the plastic tube leading below his nose before nodding. "Fine. Now, then." He turned around and addressed the nearest Captain. "Before we leave, I want a status update: what's Aokiji's progre—?"

A massive glacier suddenly formed on one side of Marineford. Then, just as suddenly, it shattered to pieces.

"…Never mind," he grunted before striding onto the deck. "Tell him to catch up to us once he's finished. For now, though?"

Sengoku took his next step as a golden titan.

"SET SAIL FOR ENIES LOBBY!"

-o-

"Now, then, let's state at the beginning…" I started to drag my finger across the page as I read it. "Entry one—eh? Wait a second…" I paused in confusion. "This first one is labeled Cipher Pol Number… 5… ohh, of course, it's the one that started it all. People of the world, what I have before me is nothing short of proof positive of the fact that the World Government has, in the past, framed and executed an innocent man for crimes he did not commit in order to propagate their own goals. Allow me to read it verbatim!"

I cleared my throat as I picked the book up and started pacing. "This report details the series of events that took place during Operation Parole Board eight years ago on the island of Water 7. And I quote, 'Tom the shipwright feigned ignorance and refused to relinquish Pluton blueprints. Blackmail attempt for building Oro Jackson failed, as it was already known. Acquittal planned for building a sea-train. Solution: Covertly commandeer the battleships built by Tom's apprentice, Cutty Flam, and use them to destroy the Judicial Ship, and frame Tom for it. Final Result: Partial success; Tom arrested, blueprints not found on person. Pending interrogation on blueprints location in Impel Down. Promotion pending: position highly classified.'"

I shook my head with a dismal tsk. "Well, there you have it, folks. Not only did the World Government countermand their own edict concerning the acquisition and usage of the Ancient Weapons, an edict they burned Ohara for, no less, but they even went so far as to attack a vessel directly under their employ to do so. I ask you: if this is how far they're willing to go against their own people… how much farther might they go against others?"

I promptly grinned eagerly as I started flipping ahead. "Let's find out!"

-o-

"Oh, now this one sounds like fun! Operation Market Failure! Now, let's see. First, there's a list of countries here…"

If Baltigo had been active a few minutes ago, it was positively abuzz now as every last Revolutionary on base noted down every last word that fell from Cross' mouth. Dragon himself was mentally checking off the names of the countries, his sense of dread mounting with every name he accurately predicted.

"Sir," Sabo cast an uneasy look at his superior. "These nations… aren't these the members of the Vantruskan Coalition? Before—?"

"I always thought that the misfortune that occurred all those years ago seemed too spontaneous," Dragon bit out grimly. "It would seem my fears were vindicated."

"Alright, now onto the good stuff: 'The aforementioned countries were involved in a suspicious trading coalition. CP9 sent undercover to investigate. Several traders interrogated and killed. After six months of thorough research, the investigation revealed that the goings-on were fully innocuous. Solution: Due to being too deep into the operation already, CP9 utilized the worst-case scenario. Frame-ups among every country involved towards specific other members, and remaining underlying liquid assets seized by CP9 for Government usage. Result: Success; ongoing war among the involved nations, and all seized assets added to the Celestial Dragons' tribute money.'" A pause. "Well, I imagine that that's going to piss a few people off. Oh, Dragon? I'd suggest clearing your lines, they're about to get very tied up."

As if on cue, almost every snail in the room started ringing their transponders off of their shells.

Dragon promptly snapped a finger at Koala, prompting her to pause and glance over the stack of papers she was hauling. "Remind me, where was the Vantruskan Coalition before it imploded?" she asked with clear dread.

"South end of South Blue," Hack provided as he passed behind her. "And by that," he dropped a very heavy coat on her head. "I mean South. Dress warm."

Koala grimaced as she shoved her papers into the arms of one of her nearby comrades and started pulling the coat on. "I am… conflicted. This is a massive windfall for us, sure, but somehow, I don't think Cross would be that sorry if he knew he was sending me to the South Pole."

"Be happy now, kill him later?" Sabo suggested.

"I can live with that."

-o-

"Hee-haw! I can only imagine how overjoyed Dragon must be at this sudden influx of information! Jeremiah Cross has just cemented a powerful ally!" Emporio Ivankov cackled, leading Newkama Land in cheering for him.

"You speak as if he hadn't already, my queen," Inazuma intoned calmly as he (at the moment) swirled his Chardonnay in its glass.

"Psh," Ivankov waved her (at the moment) hand dismissively. "Totally different! Before, Jerry-Boy only had Dragon's attention. Now? Now he will deem him a comrade in Revolution, even moreso than he already was before! And he's still going on!"

"Alright, what's next? Operation Entropy, eh? Oh, this should be good…"

Ivankov hastily waved a hand to quiet down the cheers.

"Alright, here we go: 'Upon discovery that the Oro Jackson was constructed of wood from the Jewel Tree Adam, we determined to ensure that no ship would ever be built of such wood again. Investigation on the island where the tree grows revealed that wood was shipped out in the midst of a ceasefire between the nations Shule and Cohor. Warring nations at the time of investigation: Jared and Akish, looked to be winding down from war. Solution: Spark hostility once more, and ensure that if the war does die down, we are in an ideal position to reignite the flames. Result: Partial success; the two nations war without end in sight, genocide more likely than peace, but only 95% of registered Adam Wood shipments are intercepted before reaching their destination.' Huh… you know, I'm honestly surprised that I never figured that out myself; wars for the tree are one thing, but for them to constantly flare up one right on top of the other? This just makes too much sense."

Inazuma sniffed contemptuously. "Condemning so many lives simply on account of what could possibly be done with that wood. Barbaric. Still, though…" He paused to take a sip of wine. "Now that the world is aware that the blockage in supply is not simply due to the war, perhaps someone will be able to intercept the interceptions?"

"Mmfufufu. And I'd bet anything that more than a few of those counter-interceptions will be from our dear comrades on the outside!" Ivankov chuckled before raising her glass high. "A toast! To our dear comrades managing to get a copious amount of impossibly hard wood in the near future!"

"KANPAI!" the citizens of Newkama Land toasted their ruler.

Ivankov made to drink, before pausing with a frown. "…Why do I feel like my boys and I are currently the butt of some big cosmic joke?" she muttered.

-o-

I continued reading entries for the next several minutes, certain that Spandam's fate worse than death was sealed. Even so, there was one thing bothering me about what I was reading; every last one of them had been at least partially successful. It made sense, for Spandam's ego, but I was hoping that there would be at least one—

"Ah, finally! This one seems to have actually ended in failure. I wonder how that happened. Let's see…" I muttered under my breath as I scanned over the mission details. Then my eyes twitched. Both of them, one right after the other.

"Are. You. KIDDING ME? This… This isn't corrupt, nor is it even tragic! This is just downright PATHETIC! I… I can't even read this one verbatim, folks, it's just… well, listen to this, Operation Star-Crossed. Apparently this was a special assignment for CP9, where the endgame wasn't assassination. See, their goal was to force the alliance of two families of royalty for political and financial reasons by getting the scions to marry one another. They accomplished this by assassinating the scion's paramours—big surprise—and then infiltrating their lives so as to manipulate them into meeting one another. And it worked, too! The heirs of the Montfield and the Capoy families fell in love, got engaged, they even got legitimately hitched! Sounds hunky-dory, right? They were halfway through the reception!"

I slammed my head onto the wood desk, the groan of pain I let out more for the Luffy-grade stupidity I just read than any physical injury. "And then Fukuro, the tub of lard who also happened to be the groom's best freaking man, got up before both families and, without a moment's hesitation, spilled the whole thing! Every. Last. Detail. After that, it was a bloodbath. There are… there are no words, I should imagine. I mean… seriously, what's the point of his mouth being a zipper—it's a real zipper, by the by—if he's not going to bother to use it!? Honestly now, the man's mouth is practically a weapon of mass destruction!"

"Like you have any room to talk?"

"At least general chaos is my endgoal, he just does it randomly, without warning and with no clear benefit."

"Still sounds familiar, hwee-hwee-hwee!"

"Oh, shut it," I grumbled, turning the page. "Alright, Spandam probably only kept that particular report because it wasn't even remotely his fault that the mission failed. And honestly, after that, I'm more inclined to hope that I don't read any more fai—"

I cut myself off with a choking gasp as a very specific part of the entry caught my attention. My mind raced as I processed it before hastily flipping back through the pages, scanning the same section of each and every last one of the reports I could find.

What I discovered, and the implications therein, were not pleasant in the least.

-o-

With each report that Jeremiah Cross read, the old woman's grip on her cane and the folder she was clutching intensified. Not even Roger had caused her this much raw negative emotion at one time. Then again, perhaps that was simply because he and Cross had opposing end goals: Roger had shone hope inward in order to illuminate a relatively dreary world, whereas Cross was shining his light of truth outwards, exposing the darkness that lurked just out of sight.

How much she had already known. The Marines were far from ignorant about the state of things, she was hardly ignorant. She'd thought the limits were justifiable, thought the ends justified the costs…

How much she had turned blind eyes to in the last decades. The corruption she refused to see.

She was old. She had fought her war. She had fully intended to get involved only in the event of something too big or too high-profile for the present Marines to deal with. She had trained up a new generation to fight the oncoming battles, to weather the storm. She had convinced herself that she was ready to retire, trusting in the future.

And now, she was robbed of that luxury by, as she had put it herself so very, very long ago, 'one boy with a big mouth.'

For the umpteenth time since she had left Sengoku's office and boarded her warship, since she had entered her cabin, her thoughts turned to the folder she now held in her hand. She contemplated what it held, she contemplated the implications held within, the consequences of turning it over to Sengoku as she had planned to do later that very day.

"…well, now."

And then, of course, Cross decided to open his mouth yet again.