19 Chapter Nineteen

I wake up with a pounding headache. I sit up and realize I'm on the bathroom floor. "Ngh..." I can't remember anything from yesterday. I rack my brain.

Okay, I woke up and had breakfast with Amy... We watched cartoons for a while... I took her to her interview around noon... I scratch my head in frustration. I can't remember.

I lay back down and suddenly something sparks. I facepalm myself. "Dammit!"

I sit up again and bury my face in my hands. If I'm still in the bathroom, Amy probably hasn't seen me. Ugh… I really don't want to see her…

I hear creaking and quickly get up. I don't know what to do. I can hear her coming. I quickly get into the shower and lay in the tub. I swish the curtains closed just in time before she comes in.

I see her blurry outline through the curtains. I'm trying to make out what she's doing…

Suddenly, I cover my mouth so that she doesn't hear me gasp. She's undressing. She's getting in the shower. I'm trying not to panic, but it's pointless. I can see her coming to the shower curtain. With nothing else to do, I close my eyes and pretend to be asleep as I hear the curtains swish open. Amy screams, which hurts my head like h*ll. I sit up looking ashamed, trying not to look at her naked body. She quickly grabs a towel and weakly wraps it around herself. It's slowly sinking down anyway. "K-Kim," Amy squeaks. "What the h*ll are you doing in the shower?"

I hesitate. I knew this wasn't going to be easy, but I never would have thought it would be this hard.

Before I can say anything, I burst into tears and bury my face in my knees. Amy no longer cares that her clothes are gone. She drops the towel and gets in the shower with me. She kneels down and hugs me tightly.

"Shh…" Amy soothes. "I've got you…"

I cry onto her chest and we sit there for who knows how long.

Amy finally picks up my head gently and looks deep into my eyes. She frowns and the realization sinks in.

"K-Kim…" Amy lets go of me and I sag down. I do everything not to look at her. "You…"

I look down onto her legs then quickly close my eyes. Ugh, I can tell I'm still drunk, because all I want to do is open my eyes and look. If I was sober, I would have never.

I feel like if this was a scene in a movie, Amy would drop a glass or something, and it would shatter all dramatic. Then I would either start crying or run away or something. But here, it's just silence except for the occasional dripping of the shower head. I hate the silence. It just makes me dread what she'll say next even more.

"Kim…" Amy repeats, not looking at me and hugging herself. "I… I don't know what to say…"

"Say it," I say hoarsely. It's the first time I've spoken this morning. Or afternoon. I have no idea what time it is. "I know what you're thinking…"

Amy clutches her knees. "I don't want to hurt you."

"Fine," I say. "I'll say it for you. You can't trust me because you don't drink, and I have a problem. And now, I've put you in a spot where you don't know what to do."

Amy hesitates, then sighs. "You're right, I don't know what to do. But I still…" She struggles to say it. This puts ten daggers through my heart. Finally, she sighs. "I still trust you."

I look at her and hiccup, which is really bad for the moment. "No you don't." My hands are shaking and I can feel the tears coming.

"Yes, I--"

I stand up and go to the door. I open it, but stop. "I'm sorry. I'm a dumb*ss. I just don't want to hurt you again."

I walk out and go to my room. I curl up on my bed and cry. For how long, I'm not sure.

I get a text. It's from Amy. I almost don't read it, but I open my phone and read.

Amy: I'm going out. I won't be late. Don't burn the place down

Me: Okay

I put my phone down. After a minute, I hear the door shut, and realize that she texted me before she left instead of telling me in person. I bury my face in my hands. I scream into my pillow a few times and cry more.

After a while, I get up and wipe my face. I go to one of the drawers in the kitchen and go through all of them, looking for the knives. I slam the drawer hard as I move on, my tears pouring down myself.

I start hyperventilating. "Where--the f*ck--are--they?"

I sink down onto the floor and lean against the cabinets and shake uncontrollably. It's getting harder and harder to breathe…

My hand rests on my chest, shaking. I can't breathe. I bang my head against the cupboards. "Amy-y--" I gasp.

I hug myself but it's not the same as hugging her.

I can't breathe.

I can't breathe…

I can't…

* * *

I open my eyes and sit up slowly, but I'm soon pushed down. "Stay down," says a voice. I can't see where it's coming from. I suddenly realize that I have tunnel vision at the moment. This gets me worked up again, and I start breathing heavily. The voice speaks again. "Shh… It's okay. You're okay…"

I realize that it's not Amy that's speaking to me. I feel around for something-- anything --that's familiar. I find my blankets; soft and comfortable. I breathe shakily and search for more. My phone, what I can see of my room... It's all slowly coming back. My tunnel vision is failing, and I can see the rest of my surroundings. I listen for the voice, but it's gone. I start breathing heavy again.

"Shh..."

I feel relieved that it's back. "W-Where--"

"Shh..."

"Who--"

"Kim, shush... It's alright. Don't speak..."

I don't know why I can't move my head. I can barely move my eyes. I want to know who is holding my hand at the side of my bed.

"Now, Kim," says the voice. "I'm getting you some water, wait here. I'll be right back."

I nod, but barely. After what seems like hours, I hear the person walking into the room and hand me a glass of water. I see that it's a girl. She has long fingernails painted clear with glitter sprinkled over them. I don't take the glass. "Kelly?"

Kelly leans in front of me and I see her blonde hair pulled up and messy. Her makeup is a little smeared and her lips are chapped. Her clothes are a little wrinkled.

"What happened to you?" I ask softly.

Kelly makes a face. "Thanks, Kim," she says sarcastically. "Do you remember anything from last night?"

I make a face. "Of course..."

Now it's Kelly's turn to make a face. "Wow, you're recovering quickly."

"What the heck are you talking about?"

"You're probably still hungover."

"What? From the other night?"

"Other night? You mean last night," Kelly says, somewhat confused.

"No, yesterday I was hungover," I say. I take the glass of water and start drinking very quickly.

"You must be confused. I found you here last night, passed out on the kitchen floor."

I think back to last night.

A light bulb lights up in my head. "I just... Had a panic attack. I'm fine."

Kelly tucks my hair behind my ear. "You're sure?"

I nod.

"Alright."

Kelly finally lets me sit up. "So did you stay overnight?"

Kelly nods. "I slept right here on the floor. I totally thought you were drunk."

"Heh, no…"

Kelly frowns and sits on my bed.

I suddenly sit up. "Wait," I say. "How late were you up?"

"Um, four?"

"Did Amy-- My roommate ever come home?"

"Unless she came at 5 A.M."

I purse my lips. I stand up and Kelly forgets that I'm sober. She helps me like I'm gonna fall any second.

She lets me go, looking embarrassed. I walk over to Amy's room and knock on the door. "Amy?" I call softly. I suddenly turn to Kelly. "What time is it?"

"9:37…"

I bite my lip and knock again. No answer. I open the door slowly and look around. "She's not here… Last night when she left, she said she wouldn't be long…"

I automatically think of all the terrible possibilities: She went drinking so she could understand me, she got kidnapped, she ran into Jackson, or anything!

I run back to my room and get my phone. I open Instaglam as fast as I can and open Amy's account, looking for anything she's posted since yesterday.

"Nothing..." I mumble shakily. I feel Kelly's eyes burning into me from behind. I turn to her. I don't know what to do.