14 The pang of guilt

*** Alan Gaillon POV ***

As I looked at his back I couldn't help but clench my fists and stifle my snot and tears as his figure got smaller with each step.

The figure of a boy I've came to acknowledge as family.

At the start I didn't think much of him. He wasn't a nuisance, but nor was he a 'necessity' in this household. In fact, I barely acknowledged his existence.

He was a quiet and timid kid, one which always kept to himself. He was merely a background character and thus, I decided to treat him as air. However, my mother thought different.

"He's a son of a wh*re"

"Scum like them aren't worthy of the Gaillon name!"

"Don't touch them. They're filthy!"

"Useless trash."

Those were the words of my mother, but I couldn't help but loath her hypocrisy.

Although she finds them filthy and worthless she still takes her time to bully and harass them. If you're truly believe yourself as superior such ungraceful and vulgar behavior should be uncalled for. It only exhibit her insecurities.

The more I got to know her, the more I distanced myself from her, something I've come to regret later.

Not because I believed I could change her, but because leaving my younger siblings in her care and influence was a mistake.

Moreover the father I respected never did anything about it, and as time went by I overlooked it, no I started tolerating it, because even I was swayed by their ideals and principles.

As more time went by and I started growing, I thought of myself as something special. Being fed by a silver spoon I grew arrogant and without realizing it I've slowly became more and more like my mother.

I'm strong. I'm better. This is how a true Gaillon should be. A noble of pure blood.

That's what I've started thinking. And although I didn't go out of my way to bully him or his mother I found myself loathing about their existence in this house.

I even turned a blind eye to my mothers schemes and plans, but that day. 4 years ago, when Kayn was 3 I was brought back to reality.

As I looked at his nearly lifeless body, ghostly pale skin and his listless almost fish dead like eyes I felt something heavy inside my chest.

I could have stopped this.

I could have warned him.

I could have told dad. Even he wouldn't pardon my mother if he knew the truth.

Is this guilt?

I wasn't and overly righteous person, and in this world I wasn't needed to be. At some point I would have to step on others to keep living, but I started question myself.

As I saw his mother with tears and anger in her eyes desperately embrace him as she ran to get help with erratic sobs between her gasps for air I started wondering.

"Was this needed? It's not like it does us any good by treating them like this?"

However, as I saw the victorious smug grin on my mother I realized.

Does she find this funny? Is this merely amusement for her?

From that day, I wanted to change things. This isn't how a TRUE noble should act. They are unfit of the Gaillon name. And since my father wont change things, I will, but I lacked strength.

And so, my training started. I thought that I could change things if I became strong enough, but I was still far away. Without awakening my mana core, I couldn't do anything else but physical training and learning sword technique, and although I found a new conviction I was too afraid to speak up.

And so, as more time went by I could only watch as everything repeated itself. The bullying, the harassment, and the torment.

And yet again, I started loathing him. I shut myself inside my room or training space, secluding myself, trying to distract my thoughts by training, because every time I saw him I felt angry.

Every time I looked at his timid pitifully weak face and body, he remembered me of my weakness.

Courage.

I realized that I lacked courage. Although I wanted to change things around the house I was a coward, afraid to speak up, afraid to take immediate action. I used my lack of strength as an excuse, and so I despised him. Seeing him was a reminder of my cowardice and I hated it.

'Why do I have to feel this way?' 'Why does he have to be so weak?' I asked myself, but in fact what I actually thought was: 'Why do I have to be so weak?"

However, one day, everything changed.

Defeated at the hands by someone 4 years younger than me, someone who I pitied and thought of as below me.

I tried to act honorably, but deep inside, I knew. I still thought of myself as superior and thus, being beaten by him a flood of emotions overwhelmed me.

Anger, confusion, embarrassment and resentment. However, they weren't aimed at him, but me.

Seeing the change in Kayn, I couldn't help but feel a little puzzled and confused. His timid, weak and nearly pitiful demeanor was nowhere to be seen. Instead it was replaced by a cheerful and easygoing attitude, one who joked and teased as if he didn't have a care in the world. However I could feel something else. Although he acted nonchalant the way he carried himself still struck me.

Even in the presence of father he acted unconcerned and aloof, something even I and mother didn't dare do. And although I thought of it as arrogance and ignorance, as time went by I was soon forced to see the truth.

He wasn't ignorant, but fearless. No matter who he talked to, or what he did, who he fought or interacted with he stood tall, chin high, and eyes full of vigor, undaunting like the tallest of mountain as if nothing could affect him.

I didn't know where this change come from, or how he could acquire such talent and skills, but one thing was made clear to me.

He wasn't arrogant or cocky. His aloof and casual demeanor is just a result of his confidence and in his eyes everyone was nothing more than simple humans. Whether you were a noble or commoner, butler or viscount, heck even royal or farmer, he would look at them with the same eyes, speak to them with the same tongue. He'd act the way he want, and treat everyone the same no matter who, and I admired that which made me thinking.

This is how a noble should act.

This is how a true Gaillon should be.

Fearless, but not ignorant.

Strong, but not arrogant.

Smart, but not egocentric.

Dignified, but not overbearing.

Unlike my mother who thought that she could elevate herself by humiliating others, Kayn was someone who earned others respect and awe.

And as even more time went by, and I spent more time sparring with him, it wasn't just his demeanor that I admired, nor was it his talent and skills, but everything about him.

It's weird isn't it?

An older sibling admiring and idolizing his younger brother. I was supposed to be a role model, and an example of how a Gaillon should act, but instead Kayn was the one to show me the light, to open my eyes. And I promised myself to improve, not just for me, but for him. I doesn't know what he wants to do, or what he wants to achieve, but when he accomplishes something big I want to be by his side to see it, and be of help to him if he needs it.

That's just the type of man Kayn is. He's someone who you can't help but revere and respect. Whether he knows it or not, I don't know, but something about him makes people gravitates towards him, and I'm sure that when he grows older he will have many supporters, both nobles, commoners and maybe even royals.

I started working even harder, and even asked Kayn for tips and guidance. Even though he was out of my reach I wanted to chase his back, and close the gap between us little by little no matter how far ahead of me he was. Just so I could one day gain his acknowledgment.

Yet.

Why is it that I can't seem to open my mouth?

Is it because I cant find the right words to tell him?

No! It's not that...

I know exactly what I want to say, I know exactly what it is that I HAVE to say, but I can only feel my lips trembling as no words leaves my mouth.

I should warn him, I should let him know what my mother is planning. I should tell him that Hubert Reed will kill him and the rest of the crew on this journey, but I can't.

No...

It's because I don't want to.

I can only look through teary eyes as his figure enter the caravan before the escort guards closes the door. And it's then that I realized

I-I didn't change.

I'm still scared. Scared to speak up, but most of all I'm an awful brother.

As I leave my head hanging, looking at the floor, and lamenting in guilt, I can only curse my lack of courage and strength.

However, deep down I knew.

I knew why I didn't speak up. Why I didn't warn him.

It's because I was jealous.