23 The nightmare

(??? pov)

I was sitting in a dark room where the only light source was my monitor. That was my every day, looking through the internet to read some manga, light novels, or fanfics. I would also occasionally watch some anime. Not as much as I used, though.

I had a lot of free time as I didn't have a job or school. I graduated Highschool but didn't proceed further. I tried to find one, but after two years of searching, I finally gave up and became a shut-in. My whole family gave up on me and didn't even talk to me. The only exception was my mother, who tried to help me stand up on my own, but I've had enough of trying.

I know that what she tried to do was for my own good, but I don't have the strength to continue. Every time I try, it's not enough, everything I do is wrong, and every time I try to stand up, I fall even further down... Why bother trying if I know I'll fail. I'm tired of losing. If I never try again, I won't fail. It's that easy.

Even things that once gave me joy, excitement, or other emotions now give me nothing. I do them out of habit, honestly.

It all started in school, where I was an outstanding student. My worst grade was C, and it happened only once, but one time I forgot to do important homework, and I earned my first F. While I love my mum and she has my best interests in mind, she can be too emotional about the most minor things like and one lousy grade. I don't blame her, though. She had her own set of circumstances, and no human is perfect, but at the time, I couldn't understand why my classmates could get a C and got rewarded while I got a C once, which got me a scolding. That was the day I learned that the world isn't fair to everyone. It sounds silly, but everyone has humble beginnings.

The days continued as I tried to make my mum happy, but I had a hard time doing it. My family consists of me, my mum, my little sister, and my dad. Dad was living in a different country because of work so it was only me, mum and little sister. As the oldest son, mum may had some exceptions, or maybe not. I don't know, and I don't care anymore.

Later my life began to go on track. I chose what I wanted to study and went to school to do just that. I had okay grades this time, but it was more than enough to graduate. I thought I knew how my life would go down. Graduate, get a job, maybe get a girlfriend, marry her later, have children, retire, and die in peace. Maybe travel a bit with my girlfriend before settling down. But as always, I was wrong.

Not long after I got my driver's license, I got myself into an accident. What's worse, it was because of me. What's even worse, I wasn't alone in a car. I was driving my sister to eat something, but I overlooked the vehicle incoming from the side, and it hit me at high speed. Thankfully no one was injured, but I started to fear driving a car with someone. I didn't care if I would die, but being a cause of injury or death of someone else is what scared me. That was the beginning of my fall and the day I learned that there is an even bigger down after every up in life.

I started skipping school, not wanting to go out of the house. To my family, I faked being alright, which I did a lot more in the coming days. I didn't want to cause them any more problems. Not only did I destroy the car, but its reparation would also be too expensive to be worth it. They bought me a new car and so my chance to tell them that I didn't want to drive at least for a while. I didn't get in the car for the first two weeks to pump myself up to do it.

I skipped too much of school. I could still graduate, but I lost my chance for an internship which would translate to a job after school.

I was thinking of killing myself as nothing good comes from living, but I thought about my mother and how my death would be an inconvenience for her because of the funeral cost.

I decided first to pay back all the money from the ticket and the car I got before doing anything. I would also earn enough for the funeral, so I started looking for a job.

But life once again tried to keep me down. I was sending applications for almost every available job I could find but without success. I tried to change my CV several times, but it never helped. I got a few short interviews, but it never went anywhere. This was when I learned that trying hard is not enough, and results are what really matter.

After two years, I stopped it and just gave up. I even stopped faking my cheerfulness. I just didn't care anymore. I would tell myself that I would do the deed after I pay back the money, but I would never do that without a job, so I just continued living... no, living isn't a correct word. I just continued breathing until I stopped someday, not caring about anything. I didn't even dream anymore, just black nothing and up again.

The days continued with me breathing in my room. My mum gave me the food that I ate out of habit, not tasting anything anymore but still thanking my mum for the meal. I hoped that I would just die in sleep. Maybe it would free my mum from worrying about me as she wouldn't need to be concerned about me as she was the only one who cared about me my whole life. She always thought that I had immense potential, but every day, I feel like I failed her. I wish that she would just give up on me as well because she is the only one stopping me from ending it all...

I wonder what normal life is like. Is it better than what I'm doing or worse? I'll never know now. The only regret I have in my life was letting down my mum...

(??? pov -> Ryoto's pov)

I once more woke up from the nightmare. It was the same one as always. It was always about my past, but I'm not 'him' anymore... I have a loving family, a loving girlfriend, friends. I won't let them down as I did before, and I won't make the same mistakes twice. But why do I keep having that dream? I don't like being reminded about the past.

*Sigh*

I wonder how mum is doing. I hope she's well.

Karen: "What is it? Having nightmares again?"

'Yes, but you don't need to worry.'

Karen: "...If you say so."

I fell asleep hugging Lala a bit tighter than before.

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