My Husband's Lover (24)

I left before Guoliang and Liqin finished talking. I did not want to hear any more of it. Being hopeful was not good. I did not notice where I was going because my mind was occupied with what Liqin said. It was not a surprise when I bumped into someone. It was the emperor.

"Yanyu, you look so down."

I smiled at him. "It's because you've been talking with my husband for a long time, your majesty. I miss him already," I joked.

"Your husband is waiting for you in your room. He is all yours now."

I excused myself and walked towards my room.

"Yanyu," the emperor said which made me turn around. "That is not the way to your room."

"I usually pass this way. I like taking long walks at night. Guowei and I could've had a wonderful time staring at the moon but you took him away from me," I lied.

The emperor chuckled and said, "I am really sorry." He walked towards me. "Do you mind if I go with you? My room is this way too."

"I don't mind, your majesty. But you need to prepare yourself because I'm going to question you."

"I am always prepared," he said.

We started walking. I asked, "How did you know that the empress is the one for you?"

"How do I explain this? His majesty, your majesty, the emperor... People know me as this - the ruler. But Meixiu knows me as Cheng. That has made all the difference."

"But Cheng and the emperor are one people."

"When you say emperor, I am robbed of my human nature. As an emperor, I cannot fail. For example, if I know you only as Guowei's wife, then my knowledge robs you of your possibilities. But if I know you as Yanyu, you are Guowei's wife, a composer, a bright student, and everything else."

"I don't get it," I said. "My worth doesn't decrease just because you are unable to see it. My worth is inherent. It doesn't depend on other people. Whether you know me as Yanyu or as Guowei's wife, my worth remains the same."

"It is good that you have not experienced something that makes you question your worth."

The emperor was wrong. I questioned my worth. If I decided to pursue my feelings for Liqin, would I be worthy enough for him to give up Guowei?

"I have. I questioned my worth according to other people but I always remind myself that knowing Yanyu according to Yanyu is the best way. Only Yanyu knows what is in Yanyu's heart. But how about the empress, your majesty? Do you know her as Meixiu or as the empress?"

"Meixiu and the empress are one people."

"That's what I was talking about. Let's stop talking. This is going to confuse me."

I thought I would be occupied by Liqin's answers the whole night. The emperor's logic took that place. This was like debating with people who changed their words just so they could prove they were correct. Was it so important to be right?

"Well, my room is here. Thank you for talking with me, Yanyu."

"It's my pleasure, your majesty. It's not everyday you get to question the emperor about his love life."

The emperor then went inside his room. Apparently, he was staying in my room. So when he talked about my room, he meant Guowei's room.

It was not long before I arrived in Guowei's room. He was sleeping. I would have preferred it if he was awake. Bickering with him would be a good way to take my mind off Liqin's answer. The emperor's logic did not stay long in my mind.

I decided to read Yanyu's diary.

***

[as written in the diary]

Liqin told me he found the owner of the pendant. He kept on talking about him. I was supposed to be happy for him. But I did not know why it was hard to give a genuine smile. All my smiles were forced. What was wrong with me?

[end of entry]

***

I laughed bitterly as I closed the diary. What Yanyu felt was love. She was in love with Liqin. That was how I felt too. QinWei was supposed to be my OTP. I even created Operation: QinWei Forever just for them. But now, I was not so sure about continuing it. I wanted it to be Operation: YuQin.

So did she like Liqin or Guowei? Or the both of them? That would be too greedy. And that would be too painful. Neither of the two loved her.

The entry was short but that was not the only reason why I finished reading early. Guowei was groaning again. Was he having the same dream?

"Please do not leave me."

I was going to leave to look for Liqin but I felt a tug on my dress. Guowei was awake.

"I'm going to call Liqin," I said.

He tugged my dress with more strength which caused me to fall on top of him. "Yanyu, please do not leave me," he said while he bawled out his eyes.

There was something wrong. I would understand it if he tugged me because he could not see properly. But he called my name. It was supposed to be Liqin's name.

Guowei continued crying. Confused as to what to do, I embraced him and started singing the song Yanyu composed. Out of all the things I could do, why did I choose to sing?

But surprisingly, it worked. Guowei stopped crying.

He looked at me in the eye as he begged, "Yanyu, please do not leave me."

It was not a question but he waited for an answer. I knew what the glint in his eyes was trying to say. It meant that if I said yes, I would have to commit to it. But yes was the only possible answer.

"I won't leave you."

There was clearly something wrong with Guowei. No one would be comforted by Yanyu's voice that had thousands of vibrato making it sound like a sheep's cry.

I would talk to Liqin about it first thing in the morning.