11 ! To take care

When her own personal servants came from the capital, it was on one of these days where the general was back at the barracks. The young women were profusely happy to see the mistress they grew up with and were very vocal about it, stating their happiness to serve her once again, to see her safe and well. They, too, were quite safe and well, no harm done to them it seemed. They brought with them her qin, erhu and a game of chess, as well as presents from her family and friends. There were items destined to the general too, coming from his family. They conversed long about people from the capital and shared a bit of how life was in the general's residence back there.

The days went on, at the difference that now the ones by her sides were her own people and that for some time of the day, faint sounds of music could be heard coming from the manor. Sometimes, Mu Rong An would wonder a bit if she was pregnant, delicately touching her stomach. She could be. It wasn't like they hadn't done it these past few days when was he was here.

Her disappointment some few days after when she saw the red contradicting her thoughts was a bit greater than what she had imagined it would be.

***

The next time Ru Shan Yong came back he was actually wounded.

He had the carriage come to take him and bored, she felt like annoying him a bit by tagging along in the carriage so that she could mock him, asking if he was tired of his precious horse riding. However, upon arriving at his location, it turned out that he asked for the carriage not because he was tired but actually wounded or so she thought. From the chest to his right arm. It had already been bandaged but faint traces of redness were visible from the white cloth. He had draped his upper clothes over his shoulder without really wearing it, his expression grim, unhappy and somewhat quite sad.

"What…" she started but felt her mouth going dry, her words dying in her throat when she recognized galloping on a horse's back towards their direction, the figure of Feng Xi.

"It's just some flesh wounds, no bones were touched", he assured, his voice jerking her back to him. He climbed by himself as naturally as possible, not really asking why she was here. He didn't have his men restrain her movements and it wasn't like they were in conflict or he was set on hiding things from her.

Feng Xi's horse finally caught up with their position and the person swiftly climbed down to come and report. Mu Rong An couldn't really describe the emotions coursing through her. Her own mind couldn't seem to settle with one anyway. There was fear, hatred, disappointment, anger and so many more. But there was a certain kind of pride and joy too, as Feng Xi recognized her and saluted here with the rank due to her marital status. The woman didn't linger for Ru Shan Yong ordered her somewhere else and she left on the back of the horse she came with. Mu Rong An felt herself breathed freely again, no more constricted pain in her chest.

The place they were and where the carriage was parked was actually a bit farther from the barracks and only the general and three of his men were here previously. By the feet of these men, now that she considered her surrounding and not just the disappearing silhouette of Feng Xi, Mu Rong An saw a bundle of clothes from which one could discern the distinguished red of blood. She couldn't really see it clearly from where she was. The clothing was moving, debating and muffle sounds were coming from it. One man kicked it to have it stay put.

"Don't look." Ru Shan Yong said, his voice making her whipped her head back to him.

She locked eyes with him, something she was trying to prevent herself from doing for a moment now. She really didn't want to see the emotions inside. But it was quite different from what she imagined. He didn't seem to mind the coming of Feng Xi nor her being gone, that woman could have been a man of his army that it wouldn't have made a difference it seemed. Mu Rong An finally felt herself relaxed only to frown when she felt the carriage move slightly and understood that the tied man was being hidden under it.

"Your wounds, how did they happen?"

"By being stupid," he said bitterly pointing with his finger the floor of the carriage under which the muffle sounds could still be heard ever so slightly. She didn't particularly fancy the idea of taking the road with an almost cadaver hiding under her feet. She very much was regretting the idea of coming here. So much for nagging him.

Mu Rong An didn't really catch his meaning for there were hardly people who had the ability to wound this person like that, and certainly not in a one on one dueling. He wasn't outnumbered too, for there was just this one person tied here and no one else unless the other enemies were buried away. She surveyed his bandages with a frown. Such a thing never happened originally. They had yet to engage in battle after all, there was still so much more time for that.

"A spy."

Mu Rong An frowned a bit more, something letting her remember that actually in the original timeline Ru Shan Yong and Feng Xi never really caught the spy who leaked their military secrets, just deduced that it must have been one of his close men, a Xian something. Her frown went deeper when she remarked that said Xian –or whatever he was called- was actually taking a seat near the carriage's rider.

The other really close person to this general other than this Xian-man was another advisor, one of those with whom he was most of the time. The latter was missing and Mu Rong An could only think that it was actually him who was tied up and now on the verge of dying. So did this mean that they had originally deduced and accused the wrong person? For after all, when they –Ru Shan Yong and Feng Xi- arrived on the scene, the two advisors were both dead and Xian had appeared to be the more suspicious and incriminating one, thus it had been somewhat assumed that he got discovered and tried to kill the other; only to be killed himself even if the defendor had succumbed to his wounds too afterward.

Now though, that reality was different and it seemed something had appeared clear that the real spy was this other person whose name she couldn't even recall and looking at Ru Shan Yong's face, he seemed to have being way more closer to this pretended friend and was now sporting an equally angry, disappointed and sad face. She surprised herself to be able to guess all this from his thunderous expression; it would have been comical if it wasn't a bit scary.

"Did your new weapon got leaked?"

"…He didn't have the time for that."

Oh, it meant fewer deaths to come then.

"Are we taking it back home?"

He paused, suddenly doubting the location himself before answering anyway.

"…the second courtyard."

Ah, he had some interrogations to make it seemed. She wondered a bit if by taking the time to hide the person under his carriage to bring back home, if he was trying to prevent his men from knowing about the spy's identity. It didn't sound good to let them know that such a dear friend as he was, wasn't real to them or maybe the fact that it was this one advisor they knew for so long, to know that even this kind of person could be an enemy wasn't something that everyone should know. A strategist and advisor at that. Just a selected few could be informed and it seemed he didn't mind including her, not that she had any links with army whatsoever besides of him.

"Is war about to break?". They were moving on so fast would they shorten the time to wait for the war too?

"…You can still sleep peacefully, you're safe."

Was he now aware that the trouble wasn't only the rebellion but also the Fen country? It seemed so. And he knew the cause way earlier too. Well, the earlier the problem was resolved, the earlier they would be back to the capital.

As they talked a bit more, the general, too, relaxed, calming down his anger to exchange with her, even though they were still discussing military-related matters. They weren't really discussing the strategies or confidential secrets, she just wanted to talk to distract him from his own gloomy thinking -or murderous thinking-.

They arrived at the point where they started talking about his so busily-occupying-him work at the other courtyard and around the subject of his new weapon.

"How did you come up with that deadly armament's idea?"

"...From an imaginative person, ...little Xi, the one you saw before."

She stiffened a bit even though she actually more or less knew already.

"Feng Xi, that woman?"

Ru Shan Yong didn't seem all surprised that she knew the real name but more so about the fact that she knew the person was a woman.

"Have you known it all along? That she was cross-dressing?" Then he shook his head, "you've keen eyes after all" he dismissed it vaguely, "keep it to yourself for now." He was saying now, leaning his back on the pillow, his gaze focused on the outside, looking without really seeing the scenery outside the carriage.

She narrowed her eyes at him, smiling slightly.

"Is the general really keeping a woman in his army?"

Ru Shan Yong's mouth curved ever so slightly, his mind drifting far away as he answered without thinking,

"She has good ideas worth breaking some rules for."

"One should wonder if the emperor says so too?"

Mu Rong An was very much aware that he certainly never asked permission for this. Now her bitter comment was just asking for a fight to erupt.

Ru Shan Yong turned to her then, studied her face for a while before slowly saying, his tone far from threatening, rather there was a bit of curiosity there.

"You're angry."

That was a remark.

He had raised a brow in mild surprise but besides that, he didn't seem bothered by his conclusion. Mu Rong An scrutinized his face as he was doing hers. There was no infatuation there, no anger either. They didn't have the time to be close it seemed and even though she understood such a fact, her brain was whirling too fast, conjuring too many scenarios. And in the end, there was still a bitterness inside her at the thought of Feng Xi, of the future and of the what-ifs.

"Hardly," she said with a warmer smile.

"You don't like her," he persisted. "Why don't you like her?"

Mu Rong An had in mind to gloss over it and say some nonsense about deceiving the emperor but didn't go forth with it, rather, she let the truth spilled from her mouth, her eyes curving,

"I just don't," she informed him.

From his knowledge, the two women hadn't met enough to have a concealed great enmity between them and from what he knew of Feng Xi, the person was quite approachable.

"There ought to be a reason."

She looked at him. There was in his eyes no wariness, no anger, and no killing intent that had once been there when they met up with each other in the past. It was now mere curiosity and maybe a bit of worries.

Changes were great. They ought to be. Yet, why was she scared? Looking at his redder bandages now than when he climbed inside the carriage, her hands trembling ever so slightly before she composed herself, letting out a sigh. She leaned on the pillows behind her back.

She really didn't want to talk about Feng Xi.

"There are many reasons why I don't like people, do you want to hear them all?"

He arranged his position too, listening closely to her. Seeing him undeterred and even willing-to-hear-her-rambles expression, Mu Rong An sighed inwardly. She opened her mouth, her tone far away, her gaze looking at the scenery they were passing,

"I don't like the ministry of work's daughter, maybe because she's too much like me. Says one thing but think another you can never really know what she's thinking. Her schemes are so profound too. Hardly a person to mess with."

Since she already likened the person to herself, Ru Shan Yong could only stay silent.

"...the son of marquis Xuo is way too chatty and only know how to talk about himself…"

General Ru wasn't fond of socializing and just had a vague impression of the people she was talking about thus he could only say, from what he remembered,

"Yet you're always smiling with them, aren't they what one could call your childhood friends?"

"My friends are Li Lin, the daughter of the rites' minister, Han Min, Han Chi and Han Mei, the children of the grand chamberlain, my maternal cousins Zhan Bei, Zhan Fu. Those are the people I'm always with, as for the others with whom you see me together with, I supposed it must be on those occasions when everyone is gathered in the palace. Hardly enough to call it every time and they certainly are no childhood friends of mine. Childhood acquaintances if they must be called something..."

"With whom you attended to gathering too, flower sighing, music entertainment or attending plays with."

"I'm giving them face, that's what I'm doing," she says with a wry smile, "I can't possibly ignore all their invitations. In the end, it's the name of my father that I carry" she shifted her position before smiling warmly at him, "and now I'm carrying yours."

Ready to make a concession and meet with people that he may like and she hated? He didn't take the bait anyway, rather, returned to his original question, "And that woman?"

She looked by the window for a long time, he didn't interrupt her way of thinking and maybe even thought that she wouldn't talk anymore after the moment of silence she let float, but her soft voice sounded, and somehow, it was a little broken, making him feel somewhat uncomfortable.

"Isn't she an intriguing one? So fiercely denying her gender. Brandishing a sword and following you to the battle. But if I don't like her it is maybe because only she could have prevented you from being hurt?"

And that was what hurt very much. Why was he all alright with Feng Xi in the beginning but now that she, this bug in their loving path entered, he was suddenly getting wounds? She couldn't help but think that the fate she altered could only go wrong.

He dismissively waved his hand.

"Don't talk nonsense, I was injured because I wasn't paying attention. And Feng Xi is only an advisor, no one would be letting her go to the battlefield."

She smiled bitterly and continued as though he didn't interrupt.

"A woman so much like the one you can love wholeheartedly… I made many mistakes all throughout my short life, mistakes I wouldn't mind doing all over again because they mold me into who I am; and I don't hate who I am, no matter what you all say… but I think the one that I can regret and maybe should is the impulse of that night." She brought her gaze to his bandages, "It changed quite many things… if not for it you wouldn't have been wounded, everything would have been quite different… Do you understand?"

Did she herself? She should regret it but maybe she was way too selfish for that because if given the opportunity she would certainly do it again without changing anything and this was a scary thought.

"…I think you lost me somewhere talking about your mistakes… without answering my question. Can't you just say that you're eating vinegar?" he actually joked at the sigh of her strange expression.

She blinked, realizing it herself and she had a smile, tossing her messy thoughts away as she said, "but I am, good general, I am. This wife isn't going to deny it. It is the truth after all, what to do? Husband is attracting bees and flies, of course, it wouldn't sit well with me!"

He muttered something under his breath that she didn't catch and with his good hand, he pulled her toward him. She stumbled and fell on his chest which had him groaned when his wounds opened.

"You earn that-"

But he was silencing her words with an eager kiss. Why? She had no idea, she kissed him back though, going so far as to lean against him to steady herself. If he himself didn't care about his wounds, she wouldn't care about them either! And it wasn't like there were many occasions when he was the one initiating their kisses.

***

Mu Rong An sat and watched as the physician smeared the medicine on his wounds and bandaged him again. It was someone from the village they had taken here to make sure there. He seemed to be a relative from one of the advisors and would certainly go take care of the one tied in cloth after this.

Mu Rong An pursed her lips not sure if she liked or not that the one who was looking at this ghastly wound wasn't Feng Xi. For all her negative feelings about the woman she still knew that the other had enough knowledge of poison to detect the faintest of it and should Ru Shan Yong be affected she would know. However, this physician seemed to know what he was doing to, and since nothing was detected she could rest assured for now that nothing was really wrong. Well, the wounds would certainly leave a scar but wasn't this general the one all about being prideful of scars?

When the physician finished with him, and as the servants were showing him out, Mu Rong An had him fetch by one of her servants again to talk with her. She was under no illusions that if he really wanted to know Ru Shan Yong would be aware of their conversation but at the moment she still wanted to talk with this physician all by herself.

It had been months now and she still wasn't with child. She wondered a bit if there was something wrong with her. That thought hadn't left her for a time now. She couldn't help herself but compare to Feng Xi for she had been with child quite easily, just a month in their marriage, or was it that the villainess was not supposed to give birth to the lead's child?

The physician's words came as comforter though when she heard that nothing was wrong with her after he took her pulse. She was quite fine and just had to be patient.

***

Ru Shang Yong was, despite his wound still as restless. His upper robe would be most of the time draped over his shoulder and the only things covering his chest would be bandaged. Such disposition didn't halt him from going to the other courtyard from which he would return with a serious expression, trying to ease it into a more welcoming one and more than once failing. Mu Rong An didn't really mind his taciturn face, she had seen this side most more the last past years of knowing this general and anyway, she knew the displeasure wasn't directed at herself.

"You shouldn't," she told him, lifting her head from her chess table to look at him who had his sword in hand, readying himself to practice after two days of relative rest. Such a short amount of time, of course, wouldn't be enough for his wound.

"I heal fast." He was untying the sheat to take the blade out.

"Highly unlikely. Care enough for a game?" she proposed.

When he wasn't in the other courtyard, he was in one corner of the room, eyes closed, sitting still. And now, it seemed, he was tired of sitting still. He needed to be occupied it seemed, even little black wouldn't let him anywhere near it.

She could bet he was being tortured by his own thoughts. He would be gloomy in his side and she felt that he needed the distance without her bothering him to come to term with the betrayal which was what she actually, very tactfully did for the first time in a long while, let him his distance. but now he was just being self-harmful which was quite stupid, really.

Ru Shan Yong looked at his sword for a time. The blade was always at arm's length from him even more so recently. It was like the extension of his body, a permanent mark of security. In the end though, after frowning a bit at it, he put the weapon back in its scabbard, leaving it behind as he sat in front of the person strange who was playing against herself for a time now.

He would take up his sword later.

***

Mu Rong An was actually finishing a song on her erhu and for once, Ru Shan Yong was the one looking at her intently. She had him sit, after all, talking him out of his practice again and as he listened, he couldn't help remember her words.

We just know about music and calligraphy? Do you know how painful it is to sit for hours to learn those 'unnecessary' things every day? We assimilated this, try our hardest yet we're never good enough.

"Don't you like playing?" he asked once she was finished.

"Oh, was it that bad?"

"It was... peaceful, wonderful actually." It had, after all, put his mind at rest. The praising about her talents wasn't exaggerated.

"Then why wouldn't I like it? Learning isn't exactly easy but I don't usually do things I hate when the necessity don't force me to it... My servants brought my instruments because I like music and I like being the one to make it."

"You called it unnecessary."

"Did I?"

"Yes, when..." he halted, before coughing twice and suddenly Mu Rong An understood.

"I could have indeed said some things in my anger criticizing people who belittled the things that I cherished, of course, I can't remember it all."

He rather not remember it too and hastily asked instead what else she liked then. Mu Rong An turned her head to look at him, letting down her erhu. He seemed genuinely interested from what she could see. She closed her eyes and imagined as her mouth enumerated for him,

"...slightly bitter teas, flower sighing, poem gathering, plays acting, bittersweet cakes, jewelry, fine clothes..." she opened her eyes, her gaze locking with his, "those are what comes to my mind but say, must I make a list, are you going to buy it all?" she jested.

"Why not?" he asked in a whisper, lifting her erhu in his hand.

The only musical instrument he once learned to play -and that, because his parents insisted very much- was a guqin, he wondered a bit now if his rusty skill could be considered good enough to accompany her erhu. When they would be back in the capital he could still try.

"Are you, general, going to play for me too?" she asked as he seemed fixed on her erhu.

He didn't respond, just stared at her face. The smile there seemed to emit happiness. He bent down to kiss her, lifting her chin with his fingers.

When they broke apart, there was a mischievous glint in her eyes and she asked,

"Oh, you stopped trying to tell me how outrageous it was to have such thought in broad daylight? "

"I never tried to make you ashamed of that!"

"Didn't you?"

"No" he affirmed again taking her lips.

His beard against her skin was ticklish and she couldn't help the chuckle when he was kissing her throat. Pushing his chest with precaution as to not hurt him, she reminded,

"Didn't you hear that you should rest carefully from the physician?"

"He said nothing about you resting did he?"

Mu Rong An smile turned sly. Ah, she really rubbed off him didn't she? Tainted, tainted, tainted. He was so tainted! She wondered a bit at which point did she broke this upright person?

"Must I buy an aphrodisiac for you to be willing?" he was saying now with slyness in his voice, his lips back on her throat, and she openly laughed now,

"You have a beautiful laugh... but that isn't the sound I am after."

And he very carefully turned her giggles into moans.

***

The day after he actually had something to do in the village. It seemed he had some things to discuss there with specific people. But would it be too much for her if she let out her dissatisfaction at the knowledge that it was back in that tea house and that Feng Xi was there too?

She was waiting in one of the private room for him to finish his meeting and come to her; her smile, he was somewhat aware, was not the reflection of her emotion.

When he came to her, he entered the room with things to eat, claiming to be famished yet what was served in front of her was mainly the dishes she had said to prefer. Not commenting on that, she simply ate in silence.

Sitting not far from the window, Mu Rong An caught the moment when Feng Xi went out of the building and to her horse. The general's wife admired as the agile woman swiftly got on without needing help.

She leaned on her husband, the latter bending down in reflex to her and she whispered in the crook of his ears,

"She mounts the horse with such agility, doesn't she? Like she was made to sit on it, to ride it," her voice was very soft, tilting her head towards the cross dresser's direction to let him know who she was talking about she continued, "it lets people wonder how it would be to be ridden by her" straightening up, she concluded in a smile, "And I don't mean on the back."

The general was now coughing, regretting to have put a mouthful of food in his mouth as he was listening. He was certainly not the only one. All of those with good martial arts, the guards, a room away, not too far from them were choking on their meals suddenly embarrassed.

Ru Shan Yong took hold of the sweets and placed a good quantity on his wife's plate.

"Here, let the sweetness leaks and drips on your words it would only be better than being a boiling pot of vinegar." He suggested, a smile menacing to form on his lips.

She stared at her now full plate a bit and really did take one in her mouth before leaning on his chest.

"You're someone with a really good patience." She acknowledged.

Had it been anyone else, this dark part of her she wouldn't have been so open about it no matter what he said. However, Ru Shan Yong was a person who didn't like a sweet smile that carried poisonous intention, but if she was truthful with her words about how she felt she found that he wouldn't mind that much what those words were and would just deal with whatever she was saying his own way.

"You should learn to have a little more of that." He was saying now.

She lifted her head to look at him.

"Believe it or not, I don't really hate Feng Xi."

Fighting a smile, he just put something in his mouth vaguely responding between chomping,

"I know. You just don't like her. Different from hatred."

"It is different", she said, suddenly feeling important that he understood, "hating and not liking."

The stress she put on her words had him lifted an eyebrow,

"It is" she repeated,

He nodded then

"I know." He said.