22 Chapter 22: Go Home

My world has already crumbled.

My breathing became uneven.

My heart don't feel like beating anymore. It is torn...

I don't think I can bear what I am about to see.

In my current position I can clearly see his cold and stiff hands. Before I could even take another step, my control over my body is back on me. Like it pity me... It knows that I would not be able to endure the sight of my grandpa—lying there, not breathing anymore.

"S-Sweetie..." I heard my mother's voice beside me while my sister is holding her.

I didn't face her. My eyes were fixed on my grandpa's lifeless hand. The sight is too unbearable. It is too much.

My breathing became deep, I feel the excruciating pain my heart. Even the tears, they continue to flow since earlier without me knowing it.

Why?

The question is not for me. It's for him—Pops...

Why does it hurts like this? Why does it feel like it is also the end for me? Well, maybe it is.

So this is how it feels when someone you love suddenly died. I think I can handle it better if he would leave without saying good bye but he's still alive. But this crap? It is too much. Too damn much.

I want to blame Him. I want to blame Pops. Anyone... There must be someone to blame, right? But, however I try to find someone to put the blame on, I know deep down, that I am blaming myself. Guilt tripping myself. That maybe I could have done something that day... Anything.

What can I say? We will all die, eventually. Death is inevitable. So is the pain it will inflict on the people who cared for the victim.

I snapped out my reverie when I felt the gentle touch of my brother on my shoulder, "Nali..."

I wiped my tears only to be replace with new fresh ones. The image of my grandfather lying in a coffin flash in my mind, it's... the thought is already killing me, that's why I didn't dare to take a peek at his face. I would not be able to bear it.

I turn around to face them. Forcing myself to smile to make everything seems alright but my eyes and tears shows otherwise. I saw worry and pain in my family's eyes.

My feet started to walk towards the staircase. Every step I take, I can feel people eyeing me with their eyes full of pity. Setting aside those stares despite the fact that I really really want to throw a fit here and make a scene.

"Nali!"

"Inara Araceli!"

I continue walking even though I can still hear my family's voice calling me. Not now. I'm tired. Please, not now.

The tears did not cease to flow. I'm already at the house's second floor. Few steps until I reach my room but, I did not stop walking until I reach the door of the last room in the hallway— Pops' room.

How bold of me to go here. Where every little things reminds me of him.

I twisted the cold door knob then using my hand, search for the light switch in the wall. When the lights turned on, the clean room filled my eyes. it is neat, but the traces of him are scattered all over the place.

My trembling feet brought me to his bed. Beside the lampshade—I saw it. His watch, the one I gave him on his last year's birthday.

"You kept it.." I whispered as if he could hear me.

I can't help but sob while smiling weakly as I stare at the watch. Memories of last year, came back to me.

"Pops!" I ran towards him.

"Nali," he sounded surprised like he is not expecting me here. Why would he expect me not to come when in fact it is his day. Afterwards, he smiled and spread his arms welcoming me for a hug.

I jump on him like a little kid. We both laugh at what just happened. Fortunately, Pops is still strong for a 70 year old guy so we didn't fell unto the ground.

"Happy Birthday, Pops." I greeted him then handed him my gift for him.

He looked confuse but still accept it. "Open it," excitement was evident on my tone.

He gladly obliged and open the paper bag. Pops' eyes widened when he saw what's inside. From his back, I saw my parents nearing us and some of Pops' friend talking with each other.

"W-Wait..." he sound out of words seeing my gift— the watch, a Rolex with silver strap and detailed design surrounding the actual time.

I smiled widely at his reaction, "The money I used isn't mine but I will buy you a new one once I got a job and earn my own money." I said, the smile not leaving my face.

He laugh at what I just said, well, it is true that the money I paid for the gift is not mine. But, I badly want to give him a gift.

"Wait for me to have a job. Okay, Pops?"

"Of course, Poppet." he showed off a hearty smile.

I came back from my trip down memory lane when I heard a knock. I locked the doors so they must be worried.

Still holding the watch in my hand, I forced myself to stand up and tried to walk to the door using my still shaking legs.

I hear a knock again. "Nali..." it is a familiar voice. As I get nearer, my knees grew weaker.

"Hey," that's it. Kale's gentle voice triggered my knees to disown me. I fell on the tiled floor, just a few inches away from the door. I used my hand to get nearer then lean my back against it. My body is too weak to open the door, my mind is too clouded to talk right now, and the heart... it is too torn, it's slowly losing the will to beat one more time.

"Inara, hey. Open up, please," once again, I heard his voice. It is not gentle anymore, it sounded weak and in pain.

A lone tear escape my left eye. My lips started to shake while trying to stifle a sob. Not now, Kale. Please.

"H-Hey, why are you here? Aren't you suppose to be at your h-house," I said between quiet sobs, my voice trembling.

The door slightly move, a sign that someone is leaning against it. Hearing his heavy sighs, I think he's also leaning his back at the door while sitting on the floor.

"I came back. Your brother called me, saying you've been here for at least 4 hours. They are worried," he calmly explain. So it's been that long, I didn't got track on the time when I'm literally staring at the watch the whole time I am here. "I am worried," what he added caught me off guard.

"Open the door, please." I can picture his pleading state right now, and I kind of don't look what I am imagining.

I can't. There is too much going on right now, Kale. I can't open the door. Not this room's door, not the one in my life either.

"Let me in, Nali..." my grip on the watch tightened when he called me by my nickname. Also, his voice sounds so vulnerable.

The tears are now unstoppable— enough to fill an empty river.

I leaned my head against the door, "Go home, K-Kale." one sob came out audible.

Silence envelop us for a couple of minutes.

I know it is not right. To shut the only person I can lean on at this moment. But, I also don't want him to get hurt because I'm hurting, to be miserable 'cause I am. So, this is the only thing I can do. With this, I can also face this tragedy alone and spare him from the pain I might inflict.

Until... "How can I? My home is here. Locking herself inside her grandpa's room." his words made my heart skip a beat.

Why say that? You're confusing me. You are making me feel worse. Are you playing with my feelings? Please, leave me for now. Let me handle this misery on my own.

"How can I go home when she suddenly shut the only door leading me to her life?" he sounds irritated, pained, and frustrated, I can't really distinguished. There's no response from me, I just continue to hold onto the watch while crying silently.

"Tell me. How am I suppose to go home when you, m-my home, is pushing me away?" his voice broke. Kale is hurting, he is in pain.

"K-Kaly..."

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