1 What now?

"How long has it been since I've seen my parents?" I asked myself as I cried in my small apartment. "2 whole years huh, it really has been that long" I told myself as I walked to the mirror, "look at you, you look hideous.." I told myself with a shaking voice.

I picked myself up after moping around, I get ready for my torturous job of being bossed around and being the object of verbal and sexual abuse, "I'm disgusted by you.." I said to myself as I left my house.

I always wondered if I did things differently, would things still come up to this? If I studied better would I still be stuck at this dead-end job? If I hadn't said yes to him, would I still be in this state? Miserable and always begging for attention?

Have I really wasted years of my life with a man who doesn't even love me? If I can take back those wasted years blindly following that man, I would have done it in a heartbeat. But who am I kidding? Even up to now I still love him, even until now I still cant get over him..

Then someone suddenly called my name, "Ma'am Fumiko, may I check your ID?" I was surprised that I was already at the entrance to our office, all that thinking must really have a toll on me. I presented my ID to the guard and headed straight to my office.

As I arrived at my office my friend Cho-Hee asked "Good morning Fumiko, what happened last night? You left without notice, and some people said you left with Jin-Woo."

"Oh I was just really tired, Jin-Woo just gave me a ride to my apartment, it was nothing." I said to her nervously averting her gaze,

I can't bring myself to tell anyone about what happens every night, they just wouldn't understand why I would do this, even I don't know why I do this, maybe because I still miss his touch? maybe I still love those first few years that we genuinely love each other? well maybe that is the case, I just don't know

"Oh ok, the manager was calling you to her office, I guess she was just going to ask something, see you later at lunch Fumiko" Cho-Hee said and looked skeptical about what I said.

As I entered the manager's office the manager said "Hey Fumiko! Where were you last night? The fun was just about to begin when you left, and it was going to last all night." she said as she looked at my body with a fierce gaze, it felt like she was stripping me in her head.

"I'm sorry miss Yeonha, I was just not feeling well" I said nervously and my palms gets sweaty, "Is that so?" she asked in a doubtful tone, "Yes, ma'am" I responded doubting she would leave me alone.

"Then maybe we can continue our little date, is tonight fine with you?" Miss Yeonha asked as she smirked at me.

"Ahh yes, I'm available tonight" I said as I forced a smile to make it seem that I'm fine with it, "ok then, see you later tonight miss Fumiko" she said with a uncomfortable smile that sent chills down my spine

As I exited Miss Yeonha's office, I asked myself if I was going to do this again? Am I going to let people treat me like this? It's not like I have a choice anyway, might as well enjoy myself a little while I'm at it, I really am a disgusting person.

"I really done it now huh, there is no going back now" I said to myself as I was walking towards my work space, "I want to stop, but I just can't." I murmured as I was going to my desk.

As I sat at my desk, I hear the quiet murmurs of office chatter, and the discreet office rumors, and as always, I was the subject of it. People saying I'm just sucking up to the superiors, that a Japanese person shouldn't be working in Korea, but the most hurtful is the rumors of my private life, it hurts because they were right.

They were right that I am a skank, that I'm ugly, that I'm too good for miss Yeonha, that I'm not really special, that I'm just a girl that the boss took interest in so I'm in a good position. Those words hurt, but I cant do anything about it because theses were true

I just blocked out the words by working without listening to them, they say that just don't listen to them, that they are just doing that because they have nothing else better to do. But I hear them as loud as day, the words they call me stings, they were like knives stabbing me at the back, I really can't bear it anymore it just hurts.

Suddenly it's already night time, and I remembered my agreement with Miss Yeonha, "Am I really going to do it?", "of course you will, it's not like I have any choice do I? " I said to convince myself, "You really are a pathetic human being.." I said to myself with a voice that was close to crying.