3 Chapter three: The truth I hid with the day of our kiss

I sigh then continue speaking "yes the day you kissed me. How much do you remember from around that time" when I said this he frowned.

I remember that day so clearly. I was walking home after a kid at school speed rumors about my home life, and it started pouring. I thought that it was ok for the rain because it helped hide the tears that streamed down my face, that is until Shawn the young man from across the street came running up. I was 13 him 16. Me and him have been close since my older brother past. I don't know if it's because I'm his younger sister, or if he's just trying to remember my brother, but we became really close. He had an umbrella in his hand so pulled me under it. It was kind of him to do that. Sometime as he walked me home we ended up being really close. Reaching the house I went to say something, but he looked deep in thought so I decided to let him think. Towards the end he reached out and kissed me, he was very gentle making sure that I could pull away at any second. When I didn't he pulled me a little closer before he completely froze and backed off. He apologize, and ran off. I never quite understood why he was apologizing, but that's what happened.

My secret is what was going to happen before all of that happened. The secret that nobody knows besides myself.

In that time me and Shawn often walked home together, since my older brother died Shawn was protective over me, and I think that is what caused me to feel the way I do about him.

"I remember that you just watch your mom pack up and leave without warning, that you where heavily bullied, that your brother was killed in a car accident, and that you had and still have heavy depression" he said fairly smoothly, but I now wonder how he knows I still have depression, or even that I had it. I've kept that from everyone. Including him. No matter how close me and him got, I didn't want him to know my biggest weakness, I didn't want him to suffer the same pain as I have spent my life feeling.

Before I could say anything he handed me a note. I looked at it, and instantly realized that he had known all along. He knew the only secret, that I never wanted him to know. My only question is if this is the reason he kissed me that day. Because of the words I said on this piece of paper. The words of me crying out for help. That note I had prepared to be seen for quite some time before the kiss, I just never put it out until that day, that was the same day a couple years before my brother died... I thought that I should leave the world if my brother did. I never believed that I should have existed without him. Along side of that kids at school told me that my mother left because she was disappointed in me, and that she was disappointed that it was my brother that died and not me... I still believe that is true to this day...

But when Shawn kissed me, he made me realize that there was more to life then just right now. That simple act helped me through the hardest time in my life, and it helped me move away from a permanent choice, for a temporary problem. I know now that I was weak, but I still have a burning sensation of unimportance in me. Still on that day Shawn showed me that there is at least a small need for me in this world, that maybe these people don;'t want me, but maybe the next will?

"Why didn't you bring this up before now?" I said I'm such a quiet tone I didn't know if anyone could possibly hear me. Instead of answering me I felt his arms wrap around me and his head on my back in between my shoulder blades. I was confused for a second before realizing that he was crying, soft gentle tears. As he held me closer I spoke softly "Shawn, wh-what's wrong" I waited for an answer. I felt like a long time before I would get an answer, but when I finally heard his voice it was unexpectedly sad "Davina... I found it a while after our kiss. I... I took it, I went to where you said it was going to happen to stop you. You never came. I was scared that I was too and when the next day came I thought you wouldn't show up. Once you walked in the doors. I realized the sadness you had in you, and I knew I would never be the one to fix that.... so I backed off. Ashton wanted you, so I let him try. And I kept my distance... Davina I didn't think that I was good enough for you, and I didn't think that I could ever make you happy enough to stay here... I still go to that spot each day making sure you don't show to do anything stupid. That day was the hardest day, the day I walked away from the chance of loving you...."

As he spoke I slowly turned my head towards him. I was shocked to hear him speak like the Shawn I once knew, but even more shocked that through this he held me so close to him. I couldn't explain anything. We stood in the silence for a little. I wanted to tell him my feelings, I wanted him to know everything, but somehow instead we decided on leaving the room, to continue the game. There were many emotions surrounding us. But nothing could compare to the number one feeling I had felt for so long.

"Shawn, do you want to know what stopped me from... killing myself?" I spoke quietly, but boldly, knowing the fear I've had abut revealing this to him for so long.

"Shawn, you stopped me. You made me realize that someone could care for me, that someone could want me. You made me realize that I wasn't alone. Shawn you helped me... And I will always love you for that..." I spoke with such a quiet tone and calm tone that he could barely hear me.