The Rum barrel 2.0

In a secluded corner of the village, a young man was admiring his handiwork. The once sturdy barrel had been cut in two from lid to bottom before being connected again with the two halves of the bottom at either end. The new shape resembled an ugly canoe.

"She still need a lot of work, but this will do for a start." John nodded to himself. "I'll need to strengthen the connection between the two halves, maybe adding a keel along with a few other beams running lengthwise."

"BAWK! Hoist the sails!" Crackers offered its own suggestion.

"It'd need some serious strengthening to handle the stress of a mast and sail, also it would probably capsize if a stronger wind blows." John shook his head, it all depended on what he could find tonight.

"Alright, it should be around midnight now, time for operation burgle the rude old geezer."

Sneaking through the village, most people seemed to have hit the hay already. Fishing in the early morning was a common thing as the fish also seemed share the belief that breakfast was an important meal that shouldn't be missed.

Passing by a clothes line, John grabbed a tan colored bedsheet.

"BAWK! Total loot value increased by 12 copper." Crackers reported with a nod, seeming proud that its master had finally taken his first baby steps towards a life of crime.

"No need to announce it to the whole town!" John hushed it, "save the number crunching until after the operation is done." Pulling out some parrot snacks, he gave them to Crackers to keep it quiet and occupied.

"Alright we're here," John said as he eyed the wall that surrounded Harry's scrap heap. Tying his bandana over his face, he admired his new bandit look in the reflection of a puddle. "Perfect."

Twisting the sheet into a makeshift rope, he soon realized that it wouldn't be of any help scaling the wall. Thankfully the wall was short enough and he could find enough spots where the mortar had been lost to use when climbing.

"Up and over!" John took a running start before scrambling like mad cat up one side and over.

Dusting off his clothes and blowing on his skinned knee, he crouched in silence to make sure he hadn't been noticed.

"Coast is clear, bawk..." Crackers confirmed from its perch on the wall before swooping down to land on Johns shoulder.

Seeing the enormous pile of trash, John clicked his tongue and made a sudden beeline to where he saw some nicer timber.

"Poof!" Crackers crash landed face first into the ground when his landing zone moved without warning. Raising its groggy head, it wobbled over to John who already had grabbed more than he could carry.

"This won't work, how am I going to bring any of this away?" John put down his haul in a neat pile to the side. Seeing Crackers distractedly pecking the ground like a common hen, he had an idea.

"Of course, the system!" John facepalmed before pulling out his mini chest pendant and tossing it on the ground. It quickly grew to its full size and John began stuffing it with anything he found remotely useful.

"You never know when something might come in handy," he repeated the mantra so often used by his dad when explaining the disaster that was threatening to overflow out of their garage and flood their living room. The attic had already been filled with half broken bits and bods as well as the occasional treasure picked up at estate sales. All they needed was a little bit of love and he was sure they could be sold for a good profit.

"Mom never understood," John shook his head as emotions threatened to distract him from the task at hand. His bedroom would also have overflowed with treasures if his Mom hadn't thought that it was a hazard, both to his health and to his social life.

A sudden avalanche of trash, caused by Crackers pulling what it thought was a worm, brought him back to reality.

"Rumble! Crash! Boom!.... Groan... Snap! Crash!" The scrapyard finally returned to silence.

"Shit! Crackers what the hell!"

The stupid bird looked at him puzzled, and hopped back on his shoulder. Scrambling to toss a few more things into his chest, John didn't even take a close look at what he nabbed.

"Rope, in the chest, paddles... in you go, rotten driftwood... in you, wait no!" John tried to be selective but he knew he was racing against the clock.

"Rubber ring... what? Rusty iron rings, sure, stinky fish.. crap! Wow sweet is that a whole canoe?! Nope just half of one, in you go." That last item didn't actually look like it would fit, but looks can be deceiving and magic is magic.

Seeing a lantern being lit in Harry's house next door, John panicked. Shoving the two halves of a broken lance into the chest, he slammed it shut. It shrank again and he stuffed it into his pocket before using the nearby pile of trash to leap over the wall.

Planning to land in the classic superhero pose, with one fist one the ground, John quickly changed his mind when he remembered his friend from high school. That idiot had tried that during a basketball game and ended up being carried off the court with a broken wrist and busted knee.

John just did a normal landing, "Yeah, safety first."

"Who's out there? Show yerself or I'll blast you with my musket!" An angry voice beyond the wall called out. "You can't hide from me!"

Grinning, John made a speedy exit. "Gotta go, it wouldn't do to be caught at the scene of a crime without an alibi."

Arriving back at the rum barrel 2.0, John nodded to himself, "not bad old boy, she'll make a fine boat yet." Yawning, He realized he hadn't slept a wink since dozing off when floating his way down the river.

Noticing that the hut next to him had no signs of life, he peeked in through the window. There were only bits of broken furniture and cobwebs.

"That'll do, gotta save money for important things like food, and beer. Can't be paying rent with the current state of the housing market." John snuck in and began cleaning things up a little. First all the cobwebs, spiders are creepy and their webs are too "sorry folks, you're being evicted."

Realizing there was no bed, he ran through town to gather his bedding. The people of the village would all wake to find something missing from their clothes line.

"Much better!" John had laid out the softest pieces upstairs in his new hut. Bunching together a few articles of clothing, he stuffed them into a soft shirt to use as a pillow.

"I've got to get me some proper bedding to keep in my chest, this isn't sustainable." John decided as he lay down and piled the rest on top as a duvet. Soon he dreamed of sailing a giant battleship that was oddly barrel-like in shape.

"BAWK! BAWK! Up an at em you lousy landlubber! BAWK! All hands on deck!" Crackers walked all over the sleeping John before pulling off the covers mercilessly.

"Five more minutes.... zzz... I'm getting up, I'm getting up... zzz... OUCH! Crackers! Get back here!" John finally awoke around noon when he was pecked by an ugly looking parrot.

"Bloody pigeon!"

...

"After a quick meal, John's coppers we're down to about 100. "Gotta get me some cash soon." He mumbled to himself. Seeing his buddy Alfy he waved and approached him.

"Hey there, nice weather we're having today, am I right?" John started with a smile.

Looking up at the grey clouds, Alfy didn't know what to say so he changed the topic. "Mnnn, say have you heard? There's been a thief stealing people's laundry, and Harry says someone broke into his place too."

"You don't say!" John tried to act surprised by imitating the meme from his previous life. "Any ideas for why someone would be nabbing clothes? Maybe they planned on setting up a second hand store in the next town over..." John rubbed his chin in thought.

"Who, knows... no one really believes old Harry though, he probably just wanted to divert their suspicions. That old guy has always been causing troubles. Rumor is he has connections out of town that cover his expenses." Alfy revealed in a quiet voice, his small eyes shifting from side to side.

"Ah! So that's why he wouldn't sell anything and chased me off." John nodded knowingly, "no doubt he's got some stuff there that he doesn't want others to see." He paused for dramatic effect as if suddenly seeing the light. "Yes... very suspicious..."

Alfy left him to his mumblings, this guy seemed like fool, but a friendly one at least.

Seeing him leave, John went back to the hut, sneaking in when nobody was looking. "Better hide the evidence..." he stuffed all the clothes in his chest.

Getting back to work on his boat, he used his hand saw to adjust the wood he acquired to fit his design. Putting it all together with nails, he added the keel, a rudder and reinforced the central joint between the two halves of the barrel.

"Still not good enough... that flat front will not work well." Fishing through his chest for something good he found the broken half of the canoe. "Perfect, if I cut this and add it to the front... it'll split the waves quite nicely."

Getting to work, John added the pointed prow, two outriggers, and attempted to use the lance as a mast. The resulting craft was an abomination against the word boat.

John also realized that it wasn't pretty. If he was honest, it looked more like a six year old's LEGO creation. An amalgamation of pieces that obviously weren't intended to be used together, but somehow still managed to fit well enough to work.

"A bit rough, but she'll do the job eh Crackers?" He said as he brought the bird over to see his handiwork.

"BAWK?! What a mess... why don't you check the system features you unlocked after last night's heist?" Crackers brought up an important bit of information.

"Right! What's my current loot value? And what can I do with it?"

"Current loot equivalent value: 6 silver 27 copper. Value needed to upgrade to next level: 5 silver. Would you like to upgrade? BAWK?"

"Sure, whatever... just bring up a list of what I can do when you finish."

"Upgrading... Baaaaawwwwwwwwkkkkkkk...."

The upgrade seemed to be affecting Crackers, it grew more grey feathers and its beak became a little straighter, finally, it got fatter.

"COO! Bbbb.... coo!" It still hadn't adjust to its new beak.

"I knew it! You're a pigeon! I've been cheated..." John shook the poor bird. "Give me my parrot!"

"Your remaining loot is 1 silver 27 copper COO... new functions unlocked:

-the pirate accessory shop lvl 1

-the shipyard lvl 1

-the tavern lvl 1

Cooo ngratulations on advancing to the rank of River Rat."

"Your the rat, your whole family are rats!" John yelled at Crackers... "oh well, bring up the shipyard, what does it do?"

"Coo..." Crackers hopped back on Johns shoulder and used its eyes to project a screen.

"Hey this is just like in Steel man! When Toby Dark uses his awesome holographic computer to design or edit stuff." John got excited.

Clicking on the interface a few times with his fingers he quickly brought up its main function, modding his ship. In the display, a 3d image of the Rum Barrel 2.0 was shown. All its problems were highlighted in bright red, some areas even had a warning flashing silently.

"Aw man... I thought I did a good job..." John felt discouraged. Browsing through the menu he found a interesting option that lifted his mood.

"Fix issues/optimize design - cost dependent on ship size and difficulty to fix." Crackers explained when he clicked the question mark near it.

"Awesome! Crackers! How much would it cost to fix and streamline my design?"

"Coo 1 silver plus raw materials. Your diligent work has reduced the price from 4 silver. Do you wish to proceed?"

"Do it!" John could hardly stand the excitement, so he sat down. He watched as Crackers flew around his little craft project breathing out a magical mist that infused itself into the woodwork. Imperfect timber grew and filled in the gaps caused by Johns sloppiness. extra materials flew out of his chest and dissolved into particles that restored the places that were damaged. Even the main joint where the two halves of the barrel had been joined were melded together, as did the added canoe prow. The rigging used up all his rope and took Johns sheet too.

The finished product was still odd looking, but now it was at least seaworthy. John stroked it carefully, all the red areas in the projection had changed to yellow or green.

"Let's test this baby out! Come on Crackers!"

"Coo!"