1 In The Biggining

Part 1

It was monday morning when I came out of my room and joined my family for breakfast before going to school,when I was still in my room I would hear them all talking and laughing! "Happy family right" that was me conversating with my own thoughts!

And as I sat down...silence ruled and everyone gave me that look of "Who Are You!" But I ignored their attention.

"Kgomotso we didn't prepare enough breakfast so that you can grab some,but you can take that R3.00 and grab some cookies on your way to school" My mom Said So With Her Squeaky Voice,One would think it was a doll. I Watched her and exited the room in rush.

On my way to school I met some loving and caring friend,actually he was my uncle's son which made him my cousin in other words 'Papiki Dintwe'

And we walked to school and I told him everything,he was easily to confide with...when We got to school Mr Thulo Said we Should Bring our Parents To School to share what are they doing for a living.

Me knowing that my mom always had a cold heart for me,my heart melted like ice cream on top of a hot stove plate,and I didn't tell her about the meeting .

Then the following day I went to the school and asked my uncle who was working as a garden boy in our school to come and be my guardian at the class.

When I and my uncle entered the room,the impudent laughter began to hit it...it was from Palesa and her friends,the daughters of doctors and teachers! "Shuuut Up" I Shouted as I made a big way up the table,and started coughing out words of wisdom and motivation...The room was quite like a funeral of someone who never existed.

"I honesty can't say Mr Thulo wasn't proud to be my english teacher and mentor,the look in his eyes said it all!" I said to myself.

Then we exited the class before the meeting could start,everyone was happy for me and they were screaming "Bishop The Mitivator,You're Saluted!!!" And I was sad because my mom didn't hear his son say all good to others!

When I got home in the afternoon my mom had her long face mode on,and she started asking me if I think I'm better that all her children,she started to demotivate me and my hidden self appeared again I Started To Hate Life In General!!

Part 2

Tuesday while the birds were still whistling to alert us that the sun has risen,I was still in bed with my earphones on and listening to TD Jakes quotes...In a blink of an eye "Shhwaaaah" water was thrown to my face that was meant to be my alarm! I was familiar with the situation.

Then the poor guy made his bed and went outside to hang his wet blankets,then went to get ready for school.After bathing he just approached the fridge and grabbed an apple without saying a word. "Hey! Stinky Joe" Sihle said that in a disrespectful manner and everyone laughed so hard!

I was a guy who always wrote poems about my life and life in general, then came this day, I wrote a poem Named "My one and only" for the girl I really loved (Letlotlo Molebogeng Faneke).Just because I was friendly,I showed that poem to Mr Thulo before showing it to Letlotlo.

Letlotlo saw the poem on social media(posted by Mr Thulo)

"Kgomotso how could you do this to me?how can you show the world the poem you wrote for me before me?" Said Letlotlo with tears falling off her cheeks like a water fall...Her heart was broken into million small pieces!She walked away.

I Ran after her,begging her to listen to why I didn't show her the poem,but she didn't listen nor notice my tears.My face was disastrous,filled with tears and slappy subtance from my nose.

I couldn't feel the heavy bag of potatoes on my back,I couldn't feel the wetty face I had nor think of my torn trausers...My lover was gone,memories faded and I was left alone with my imperfections and loneliness!

Days went without hearing or seeing my lover,then followed years without hearing from her,not receiving the early text I always received from her.

I missed her smile,her scent and how she pronounced my name "Khomotjo"

Back then love was real,feelings were mutual and I felt like a feeble young man every time I saw her!

But she was gone!nowhere to be found...I started becoming depressed and had anxiety,I always wondered where could she be?why don't she just rock up like those celebrity hoes?but then those remained my questions for a long time!

Part 3

Years after not hearing from my babe,I received a mail from Mmabatho PO.Box 4829,it was a love letter from her,it was constructed as follows: "My dear Kgomotso B. Mathinye,I thought you never loved me till I read the poem you wrote for me! Now you are still available in my heart,my soul will forever hold your love,as my mind will forever recite the line you used to tell me that you love me!"

That was the time I fell in love yet again,that was the time I cried for love...the thought that she left me crying and when she bursted back I still cried showed me that love and life are two things that go hand in hand!

My family and I had made peace and life was all on the move!

Then ten days after the letter, I received another mail from her,and it was also filled with good and lovely words like those on the first love letter!

In my family I was taken as a black sheep of the family,and when I started receiving mail they would be jealous and ask themselves quizzes.

My life started to be good because all this happened just after Mr Thulo appointed me as the new prefect!every wish I had started to fall into place,I had my badge,I had my lover and I was better than all my siblings like mom said before!

I wanted to write a love letter to Letlotlo because I was so in love with her,but my mother wouldn't let me because she strongly believed I was still young to be in love,aghh no one contradicted my ideas like her,but what choice did I have?None.

Saturday morning she was just getting ready to go to town to grab some groceries and toiletries,I saw her purse on the floor and speedly swept R300.00(Lending myself) so that I can sneak off and go to 4829 Mmabatho where my love was dwelling that time.

It was not long after exiting the big street approach the taxi rank when I heard a big slap on my back,I turned slowly like someone had a gun on my head and there she was the love of my life,Letlotlo Molebogeng Faneke! She was beautiful like an angel,she smiled and I dropped tears,obviously tears of joy.

"Letlotlo is this really you?" I said as I reached her face to feel her presence,Ohh god it was her in flesh...I had butterflies in my stomach and really couldn't keep it cool.

She nooded her head in agreement that it was her in the flesh,she then asked me to walk her home,as we approached the few blocks till her final destination...she took out an envelope that had 8 Papers A4 every paper was covered with a ribbon,of a unique colour.

This papers were the love letters I sent her the year before she disappeared,I was thrilled with happiness and yet I was furious that she left me without talking to me.

Part 4

It was saturday,a week after Letlotlo's return,and just because she loved me,she promised to make love with me.I'm a guy I can't say no,I went and organised a place,actually I called in favours from my friend.The whole day Letlotlo and I conversated using video calls telling me how scared she is! And to be honest I was also scared,I was still Virgin!

The day went well and then came that time I had to go and collect her for the memory we had to make.Aghh she was fine but shaky,she was afraid because that was our first time of copulation...I locked the door and looked her straight into the eyes! Lol we started kissing,I started to heat up but a tiny voice said to me "Don't rush,Motase take your time" ok fine I listened to that voice and controlled my sexual feeling.

Maybe thirty minutes after kissing she's started to undress,and she was already sweating like a man that works at the mines.Then we started to make love!(good feeling ever)

Outside it was dark and we were still in bed,breathing heavily down ones neck,as a knock of terror thundered at the door.We were both naked and afraid to ask who it was at the door.

"Letlotlo I know you're in there,just get out before i call your dad to come and fetch you" a Sweet voice took over after that knock,I was wondering who it was.Maybe her mom?sister?but aghh her mom is dead and she had no sisters!

(Loudly) the knock continued to increase its volume,and I told myself to man up and open the door...agh it was her friend Lesedi Princess Mafisa(which became my girlfriend later on)she entered the room with no hesitation and pulled Letlotlo out! It was embarrassing but we enjoyed our day.

Sunday morning I was back to the biggining of my life,my mom was mad at me again...she gave me the classic looks again but well I was familiar with the situation so I handled my emotions and listened to her carefully as she insulted me for growing up.

Life was again hard,I had to live with friends over family! I had to make choices that would benefit my friends at the end.But then I chose to be real,chose to be my self!And my friends kept me encouraged...Back then I had three friends namely Fikile Ryan Phakati|Ofentse Charity Tawana and Papiki Shaun Dintwe!

They were the only three people that had my back,honestly we had one another's back.

We made a day as friends to meet and chit-chat about life in general and the mythical subjects we believed in...while chatting came this car,luxurious car and stood beside us,the window lowered as we all opened our mouths to see who drove the machine.Then BOOOM! Mr Thulo just bought a new vehicle  and wanted to take us for a spin,we all wanted to sit in front and take out elbows as everyone gave us that attention.

He drove slowly and tense music was playing in background,while I was listening to that slow music,he took out a pad and said "Mathinye just listen to the music,make sure your emotions are attached and write a poem about the hatred,black people have amongst each other" That was when I wrote a poem called "My Skin Colour" Which was inspired by the hate people had for people living with albinism.

Part 5

It was saturday and it was sizzling,my friends and I planned something amazing! We wanted to have a barbacue(braai) at Fikile's crib. (BRRR BRR) my phone went mad with notifications from the love of my life,telling me that she want to spend a day with me,unfortunately I already had my plans Le Majitah.I turned her down,and that was the worst decision I ever made "Turning Her Down".

At the pool there were lot of beautiful girls,I was also attempted...then there was this girl I crushed since primary "Yanga" she was that girl who always had about 200 badges on her blazer,LOL I'm joking but she was that type of girls who were categorised "Snobs".That time I had nothing with her "Snobiness" I just fell in love.

The love I had for her,couldn't be expressed in words 'cause wow,she had a perfect place in my heart.The "pool party" continued and she was between my legs,we were half naked (we were in a pool).We had this adult talk "havin' sex" but the feeling wasn't mutual because Letlotlo was still in my mind.

"Kgomotso don't you feel me" said Yanga as showing off her titties,I replied fast and got back to my own thoughts.I really couldn't cheat on Letlotlo,because she was my lover at first sight.

Yanga insisted and seduced the niggah."Aghh I give you one hour of my time,and we're done" I said smoothly following her lead out of the pool.Just down the road there was some scrap taxi,she wanted us to use it,I denied.We walked around the streets,I didn't want to make love with her, because I was loyal to my babe.We roamed slowly on the street,and suddenly heard a shout of my name,when I looked,there she was...the love of my life,Letlotlo Molebogeng,furious as a bull,hot like a volcano and still beautiful like a rose in a desert.

I freezed and held my hand to my chest,the look in her eyes was heart breaking and from that moment,I knew for sure that it's my time to sing "Goodbye My Love" but instead I sang "Stupid In Love" By Beyonće. Every heart beat counted on that day,my heart was pumping like a sewing machine.Yanga took my hand,and just because I was frightened,I didn't react in a way that showed Letlotlo that I still love her,I stood there till she left.

I knew if she was in my situation she would've said "Kgomotso I love you  and I'm sorry" I did ths opposite, I didn't even ask for forgiveness.That everyone received their invitation to Jayden Fourie's 16th party at Promosa,we were all thrilled about two week to come,we were all thrilled to be celebrating Jayden's birthday.Jayden's father was a businessman and we all knew they had money, so obviously the party is gonna be lit!

Two weeks later,the day we all been waiting for has arrived...but it was still in the morning and I texted all my friends on Mixit telling them to be ready in time, because I wouldn't want to miss the great birthday party of them all.

The sun kissed the day goodbye...and every student,friend,cat and dogs made their way to Jayden's place:THE PALACE OF THE NONE LIVING!

Aghh the party was well,I was enjoying myself until I saw "The Love Of My Life/My Forever" kissing Jayden,so hard and everyone was cheering Jayden,the master key to all hard-to crack doors...I really can't say I wasn't jealous and that I didn't try to keep my cool.

I approached the crowded peeps and got in between Jayden Fourie and Letlotlo Faneke.Everyone was surprised expect for Jayden, "I knew this was going to happen" Said Jayden Fourie while giggling!

I never felt so down,undermined and embarrassed,but that was love acting.

I fought Jayden and that was when I started losing myself again.We fought until we could no longer feel the pains,well the girl exited,and cried as she ran away!

It was funny enough that I and Jayden Fourie competed to get to her,but she didn't want to listen to any of us,she just ran and ran!

My eyes were blinking now and then,"Ayo! DUDE Are You Crying?" Asked some guy from my back "Nah I think there's something in my eye!" I said so making my way out of :THE PALACE OF THE NONE LIVING!

Dozen days without talking to her,she called me around 02:05 She was crying Idyllically...Then kept quiet for twenty seconds,and she continued beating that same smooth cry.I was hurt,confused and not knowing what is wrong when she broke the news down to my ears and told me that her mother just passed away.I can't say the feeling was mutual that time,but I felt what she felt,I helped her to carry the burden.

In other ways I felt guilty for not being there physically...I wish I had time to kill two birds with one stone,like to enjoy the fruitful sleep I had and to be with her,but I couldn't.

Our love was still fresh,we loved one each other but couldn't just be together because of our own mistakes.

Part 6

"Kgomotso I really can't do this anymore,I kindda need space dude!I hope you'll make peace with the fact that I'm getting out of your life*For Good*" This was the letter she gave me after her mother's last day on earth.

Not so long after I read the letter,someone called me outside my house,It was Lesedi.She came to tell me that Letlotlo is not well,that she's planning to go back to Mafikeng.I was frustrated and hurt at the same time,I wanted someone to confide in.But good enough she was also in hot waters,she needed a shoulder to cry on...which made us more closer that ever before.

We spent time together discussing Letlotlo and how to make her stay!Aghh we got bored,we started talking about us,turning that Letlotlo's saga into a reason for us to date.Well we dated for years,I think,Letlotlo wasn't there to see her ex and girlfriend doing the most!Lol things were great between us,until I chose friends over her too!

We would fight everyday,and the think of Letlotlo made me take Out my frustrations on her...I told her Hurtful words. "I saw love,but you saw someone to punch,someone to practice your insults on...anyway Bishop it's ok,I don't even know who is real and who is an abuser" she said that as she picked up her cellphone!

And she didn't leave me,she loved me for who I was,She gave me her all and I gave her scars.

And still after hurting her physically,emotionally and psychologically she stayed firm with me.The devil inside me didn't want to leave me alone,it kept on pushing me to hurt girls,to think girls are my toys!

"Maybe She Really Loves Me,Maybe She'll Leave Me Because Of The Way I Treat Her,Aghh Anyway She's My Babe" That was me alone,Incarcerated in my own mind and thoughts,telling myself the impossible,starting to feel like Jayden Fourie!

Part 7:Lost And Alone!

Weeks later I broke up with Lesedi because I really couldn't bare with the pain I caused her,so I let her go,and find a guy who will love her not hurt her.I accepted that I had Immense problems,I made peace with the fact that I suffer from anxiety.

(My Phone Rang. It was her)

"Don't You miss me?" She asked so courteously. "I do miss you,but I don't think I'll ever have the courage to face you" I replied.

"Kgomotso you're the first guy to raise a hand for me,and I think you're the last one"

"SedieY.I couldn't control the pain of losing myself trying to understand you....Uhmm...I really enjoyed spending time with you, you only brought joy to my life and you are all I ever prayed for,my life without you will be like a blind man watching soccer" I said  with a smooth voice.

"Hermit" I called myself...I and the  crowd were emulsion,we didn't mix at all,you can  say we are like Water And Oil. I then started writing a poem called Left Alone. I would find myself sitting in my bed, thinking about bad decisions one had made in the past...Writing poems and doing some other hobbie I have "Reseaching",I would stay all njght long,trying to figure if this life is what I deserved.

Then one day I held my pen and a paper and wrote a letter to MMABATHO 4829 were Letlotlo lived... "Letlotlo You're The One I Only Loved,The Woman I Loved..You're The Reason I Fell In Love Yet Again.I Turned Into A Monster The Day I Lost You,My Life Changed Because You Weren't There.Just Find It Your Heart To Forgive And Love Me Again(In Conclusion)YOUR LOVER" that was  the first love letter I wrote for her since we left primary school!

Part 8

Monday morning I was still listening to TD Jakes and he quoted "Show Me Your Friends I'll Predict,Your future" that quote stucked in my mind for the whole day,I kept on asking myself what is it that I want in life.

Then the answer was nowhere to be found!

I wondered so much,thinking about life,what were my values?What was my dreams?

A little voice in my head said "Dreamers Always find A Way To Turn Their Questions Into Answers! I really felt great after hearing what the small voice told me.