5 Episode 5 - Yang ge

Yangyang let out a short breath, half sigh and half laugh, then pulled the pan of lasagna over, fixing a plate for both of them. After a brief moment of hesitation, Amari sat up just enough to eat.

"You don't want a drink?"

Amari just shook his head, trying to stop himself from stuffing his mouth the way he usually did.

"Are you even old enough to drink?" He sounded like he was teasing, but the boy could tell it was a genuine attempt to learn his age.

"I'm twenty-one. I just don't like to drink."

They ate in silence for a few moments until Yangyang stopped and shifted in his seat, and it felt like the man had turned to look at him.

"It doesn't seem like you're very introverted." Amari didn't reply and continued eating. "I don't know many anti-social people who act the way you do on stage. You were like a completely different person."

Yangyang leaned in a little closer and a shiver ran up Amari's spine. "You won't make eye contact, you don't greet people or make conversation, you appear rude and indifferent... but I think it's an act. That smile you had on stage was genuine."

"Enjoying singing and enjoying the company of people're two different things," said the boy in a low voice, putting his fork down and looking at his plate.

"That wasn't an 'I'm happy to be singing by myself' smile. You were wrapped up in the music - glad to be singing with a band." Yangyang leaned back, giving Amari his space. "Ah, well, it isn't my business. It's just unfortunate. I would really like to play with you again."

The two sat quietly, not moving, until the boy finally broke the tension.

"I'm blind. Uh, not completely. Yet." He scratched at the side of his head nervously. "But I don't look you in the eye or shake your hand, because I can't see your eyes, or your hands."

He didn't know why he said it. The more he liked a person, the less he wanted them to know, but there was something different about Yangyang. He had no idea what the man looked like, or the expressions he made when he spoke, but his voice was honest and reassuring. So, without thinking, without calculating his losses, he had told this man one of his biggest weaknesses.

"Ah." The response was calm, and there was no change in his conversational tone. "That explains a lot. I saw you hit your toe on my pedal board, but I just thought you were clumsy." He chuckled at the thought.

Amari could only gawk in his direction. The man didn't ask any questions and didn't act surprised, as if he met overly-rude blind people on a daily basis.

"Do you realize you're staring at me?"

"Sorry..."

Though Amari apologized, he didn't move his gaze away. Yangyang was only the blurry shadow of a figure, but his head was close enough to distinguish it from the background. The boy moved his eyes around, tracing his outline, but there was no detail, and the strain gave him a headache.

He closed his eyes and sighed. "I don't know why I told you that."

"What's wrong with that? It's alright if you don't want to talk about it, but I don't have anywhere else to be."

"Yeah." Amari sat up and looked forward, picking at his thumbnail. "Maybe you could ask me? What you wanna know, if there's anything."

"I can do that."

Yangyang let out another hum as he thought, and Amari snorted a short laugh, covering his nose and mouth for a moment in surprise.

"Do you know you say 'hmm' out loud when you're thinking? Who does that?"

"Yeah?" The man had obviously never being called out on his habit before. "Wait, did you just laugh at me?"

"No." Slouching forward on his stool, Amari returned to frowning.

"Yeah, alright..."

There was a pause, then in a more serious tone, Yangyang asked, "So, why not just tell people you're blind? Have them accommodate you, instead of pretending. It's not like there's anything wrong with you. You don't need to spend your life avoiding people."

This time Amari laughed quietly but clearly, and the man laughed with him. "Ah, sorry. Maybe that was too much, coming from a total stranger."

"No, it's okay." He shot a quick glance at Yangyang, then turned back again. "It's just... that's the thing I hate most. People find out, then come the questions, then the pity, and then people act weird. It isn't their fault, but it makes everything awkward. And lonely. You're not like them anymore, you're someone they've gotta help, and after a while, it's too much effort. Your relationship changes and you both feel guilty, and in the end, you part ways. Better to not even start."

There was silence, and since Amari couldn't see Yangyang's expression, he had no idea what the man was thinking. It made him uncomfortable and nervous.

"And... I've got no fucking clue why I just said all that. Did you drug the lasagna?"

"You don't need to joke it away," said Yangyang, deep and kind and comforting. "I understand. When you're different, even though it's not your fault, you feel like you're a burden to the people who care about you. So, you carry the blame for everything that happens."

Amari heard familiarity in his voice. There was something personal - a sadness behind his words.

"But then, aren't you still lonely? Always pushing people away? Not all help is out of pity, you know. I'm sure you help people all the time, for a lot of reasons. It's what people should do."

There was a pause and Yangyang sighed. "Sorry. I'm lecturing you on things I know nothing about. But, I don't pity you. You manage to live your life, not able to see anything, and the people around you don't know any better. That's pretty damn impressive."

For some reason, the more serious the man became, the more ridiculous the situation felt. Amari covered his mouth with his hands, but couldn't keep the laughter contained, and he exploded into a fit of uncontrollable giggling. Within seconds, Yangyang began laughing as well - his a deeper, steadier laugh, but no less cheerful.

In an instant, the atmosphere turned from solemn to silly, tears running down the boy's face. He couldn't remember the last time he had really laughed, and had tried everything he could to never giggle again.

"What the fuck," Yangyang choked out between heaves. "You giggle like a little kid! Is this seriously how you laugh?"

Amari flung his arm out, smacking the back of his hand into the man's chest. "Shut up! I can't help it. This's your fault!"

"What? How is this my fault? I was being serious, and you just started laughing at me! I should me angry!"

Wiping the tears with his sleeve, Amari tried taking deep breaths to slow the giggles. Yangyang was more composed and rubbed his back to calm him. After a few moments, he collected himself and cleared his throat, his face now flushed in embarrassment.

"Jesus..." He buried his head in his arms to hide the red in his cheeks. "That was fucking humiliating."

"Nah." Yangyang gave him a firm pat before removing his hand. "The real Scotty is much better than that rude, emo version from earlier. He's pretty cute, actually."

His cheeks grew hotter. "That's not a compliment."

"Yeah, it is." The deep voice was low and directly in his ear.

The boy flinched at the closeness and he could clearly smell Yangyang for the first time. He had a sweet, sweaty scent, mixed with shampoo and some kind of aftershave - not strong - and behind all of it was sandalwood. It was a pleasant smell, and Amari thought it matched the man well. He smiled, his face still covered with his arms, and gingerly held out a hand.

"It's Amari," he said, voice muffled, too embarrassed by everything to lift his head. "Amari Scott. Only Zig and his friends call me Scotty."

He felt a warm hand grasp his, large and strong, but shaking gently. "It's good to meet you, Amari. My closest friends call me Yang ge, so you can call me that, if you like."

"Yang ge."

Amari repeated the informal Chinese title, used only for an older brother or intimate friend, and he lifted his head, flashing the man a faint smile.