Episode 107 - A Sound Just for Me

"As you know, this isn't really a wedding."

Yangyang's tone was cheerful and light, a common sound for him since the confrontation with his mother. He tried hard not to show it, but he had carried her disappointment like a heavy weight. Now, not only did he find the courage to push past it himself, she approved and lifted it completely. There was nothing left to hold him back.

"We did that formal paperwork stuff already, despite the many complaints. After talking about it, a wedding just isn't our style, so instead, we're having a celebration."

He cleared his throat, sounding a little nervous, surprising Amari enough to make him turn his head and stare. "Instead of the traditional ceremony and vows, since A Li here pretends he doesn't like telling people how he feels, we're going to sing. But first, whether he likes it or not, I'm going to say a few things."

Amari punched him in the side and glared. "You agreed we wouldn't do that," he hissed, but Yangyang only gently pet his mohawk.

"I agreed you didn't have to do that," he cooed, sweetly teasing. "But you know me. How can I resist the chance to say something cheesy and make you cringe?" Amari frowned and Yangyang leaned over to give him a quick kiss on the cheek. "Plus, I know how much you love surprises."

After clearing his throat again, he brought the mic back to his mouth.

"I met this kid at that bar over there. He was dressed completely in black, had the biggest scowl on his face, like he hated the world, and when I spoke to him, he acted like I wasn't worth his time. Honestly, it was kind of cute." Amari turned his head, feeling his face warm. "Then he stepped onto this stage, in front of this mic, and started singing. It was as if he was a completely different person. I've played a lot of live stages, with many different bands, but that was the best I've ever felt making music with someone. Ah. No offense, jie."

"Yeah, whatever!" Yinyi shouted from the bar. A few people chuckled and Yangyang shrugged.

"I don't know that I believe in love at first sight..." he continued with a thoughtful hum. "I don't think I'm that sappy. But whatever it was, I was hooked.

"You know this, because you're his family, but after that first moment, he just keeps surprising you and pulling you in. On the outside, he acts like a punk kid, grumpy and indifferent, but inside, he's the most beautiful person I've ever met. Every relationship is family, every worry is for someone else, and every scar is just an experience that makes him stronger.

"And the most amazing part is, he doesn't even know it. He's there when you need him, but he thinks he's a burden. He says he hates people, but he's always thinking about how he can help someone else."

Yangyang pulled Amari closer, kissing his now burning cheek with a chuckle.

"So, I have to thank the universe, or fate, or whatever powers are out there that put me at that bar, on that night, to meet this kid. I'm a coward and childish and full of anxiety. I don't know why, but for some reason, he says he loves me and my son, and wants to spend the rest of his life with us. And that makes me the luckiest man in the world."

There were a few whoops and cheers, with a particular loud shout from Minwoo, and Yangyang pulled the now completely embarrassed Amari in, hugging him tightly.

"Jesus..." Pressing his face against Yangyang's chest, he tried to swallow the knot in his throat. He hit him in the back with his fist and when he was finally released, he took the mic.

"What the hell..." he grumbled and tilted his head back to stop any tears from falling. After a moment composing himself, he returned the mic to his lips and scratched the side of his head.

"We had an agreement we weren't gonna do this, because I don't like it. But, apparently, making speeches is a thing I do now. We all know I don't like anything to be one-sided, so here we go."

There were a few more cheers, followed by a loud "Saranghaeyo hyung!" from Minwoo and a poorly copied "Sarang-hey-o!" from Taitai. Amari waved his hand to quiet them, trying to hold in a grin as he stared out into the blurry darkness.

"Lately, I've had a lot of people telling me what a kind-hearted, angelic, beautiful person I am. I don't know about that, because I've never felt that way. The only thing I know is, not very long ago, all I wanted was to crawl under a blanket and sleep my life away. Every day was the same. Just existing with no purpose. And I thought I was okay with that."

Yangyang wrapped his arms around Amari's waist, resting his chin gently on the top of his head, with the soft rising and falling of his chest warm against Amari's back.

"Then, one night, there was this voice. It was deep, and kind, and comforting, and every time it spoke, I wanted to speak back. Every time it had a question, I wanted to answer. Every time something happened, I wanted it to ask me why, and how."

Amari cleared his throat, forcing away the nerves. "Yang ge says I'm always taking care of him, but really, I'm just selfishly keeping him next to me. I was nothing before I met him in this club.

"He told me that when I'm really happy, there's a dimple on my left cheek. I never knew, because I've never smiled like that before. People've always complimented me on my voice, but I never actually wanted to sing until I had feelings I needed to express.

"I didn't know I could feel passionate about anything, until I was worried my boyfriend's mother wouldn't accept me if I didn't turn my life around. I never bothered to go to the hospital or counseling, until I had someone to protect from my trauma."

Amari let his grin free and took a breath. "I barely ever spoke more than a sentence to anyone, so I never knew I had so many words trapped inside."

There were a few chuckles from his audience and he flushed, waving at them to hush and taking another breath before continuing.

"I never thought about myself before. Now, I think about being part of a family, a husband and a father, and I worry about things like, 'What if Taitai wants to be an artist and I can't see his paintings?' or, 'What should Yang ge and I do for parent's day at school?'"

Amari sighed and scratched the side of his head. "Honestly, I'm only twenty-two, with no education and a messed up collection of life experiences. It's difficult and confusing. Sometimes I'm just BS'ing my way through the day, because I've got no clue what I'm doing.

"But I've never been happier. I had no idea it was possible to feel like this. To love a person so much that you feel like nothing can be wrong as long as you're together. And I get to feel that twice. It makes no sense. I keep thinking it must be a dream, but at this point, all I can do is run with it and hope I never wake up."

Squeezing his waist tight, Yangyang leaned down to kiss him gently on the neck, and Amari smiled brightly, taking his new husband's hands in his for a moment.

"So much for not having vows," Amari joked, his cheeks flushed from saying so many things he never intended to say. There were sniffles and cheers from their audience of family, and he cleared his throat one more time. "Okay. Enough of this sentimental crap. Let's make some music."

Gesturing toward Ren, he got a "Ready" in return, and heard Yangyang chuckle behind him. He took the mic stand and adjusted it as Yangyang grabbed an acoustic guitar, checking the tuning.

"These were supposed to replace our vows, until someone decided he had to pour his heart out." That got another chuckle and Amari couldn't stop himself from smiling. "Still, it feels wrong to celebrate a marriage built on song without singing."

He scratched at the side of his head again. "It's also a little strange to not have most of you up here with us, but if we had every musician on stage, there'd be very few people left to listen. So, we asked Ren and the full band to play with us instead."

"Anyway," he said, taking a deep breath to stop his rambling. "I really need to shut up now. This is Best of You, by Andy Grammer." He pointed toward Yangyang, signaling for him to start strumming.

As he sang, Yangyang was at his side, close enough to touch, close enough to smell, and Amari grinned wide. Thinking back to when they met, it seemed amazing they had come this far, but also somehow not surprising at all. He had been nervous then, shy and scared, but making music with him, on this stage, hadn't felt much different than now.

From the moment he heard Yangyang's voice, then heard his guitar, this was the future he wanted, even if he didn't know it yet. It was as if those sounds were put there just for him to find. Individually, they were damaged and insecure, but together they were perfect. Yangyang had seen every terrible side of him and loved him more for it. Amari knew the man's every fear and worry, and was his confidence and strength when he had none.

For over a year, he had questioned this relationship, feeling anxious when it seemed too easy. Fights ended as if they had never started. Problems turned to nothing when they were together. But his doubt was gone now. This love really was that simple. No matter how difficult the world around them became, there was nothing difficult about this.