21 Chapter 2 The Hollowed Mountain

It took me some time but I figured it out. Yup I know where I am now. What's that? "How long did it take you to figure it out? And what happened to part two of your plan" I hear you asking in your mute meat-voice. Reader, those questions are irrelevant and it makes one wonder why would you ask such a stupid question? It's questions such as these that make me reconsider whether you are worthy to even read my book.

However, because I am benevolent I will forgive that ridiculous question and If you are ready to stop asking pointless questions I will tell you where I am. You ready? No it's fine i'll wait while you find a nice new rock to suck on. Ready? If not you'll have to take the time to stop reading and find one. Some people have places to be and can't be asked to wait for you to find a new rock to suck on.

For you see Reader I am almost exactly where Dorian died several thousand years ago. I couldn't tell at first due to a giant hole in the side of the mountain where the Stronghold should have been. However between the chest high wall and this insanely large hole in the middle of the mountain I have deduced this must be it. I'm surprised the stone is still here to be honest. It even looks the same from that day as if it didn't age.

What's that Reader? Everything could just be circumstantial. I'm not sure how you could say that unless your world has random holes coupled with chest high walls in front of them but perhaps it does. Which is why if you had been patient you would know there is a third giveaway. I bet you feal foolish now throwing around baseless accusations all because you wanted to jump the leaf. And yes that is 100 percent the right metaphorical derivative unlike my earlier boat problem. I do wonder why you would jump a leaf but I didn't invent metaphors I just know them.

The third reason I know this is the exact same mountain is due to the black stone about ten feet from the hole. You see it's not actually black stone, it's burnt. That is the location where Dorian must have been struck by what I now realize must have been at least a few thousand lightning bolts. It has left a permanent mark in the stone so dark and black that for some time I believed it to be obsidian.

I'm quite sure I have no clue why there is a big hole in the mountain instead of a ruined fortress but I'm sure there is a good reason for it. Say for example the mountain wanted to lose weight or something. Eh who cares, what reality matters is this. Reader I have come up with issue #2 of my Huntmaster Hamster story.

I have appropriately named it "The Huntmaster Hamster issue #2" It all starts in a dark and dreary night where the meat-frogs or for the sake of your small brain, frogkin are croaking at the moonlight. FOR YOU SEE, the frogkin are masking their plan to steal all the acorns of the forest during their weird mating ritual. (For Readers without frogkin in their world they are strange meats that are like half the size of a human meat and yet despite achieving a semblance of civilization still do public mating.)

Yes the dastardly frogkin king Froggy has developed a plan amongst his closest subordinates. The Anteating Armidalo who's special ability is having a redundant title and of course the king's second in command the Fly Swatting Frog. Both of which are rather weak but make up for their weakness with loyalty and amazing names. It was on this moonlit night that they decided the best way to steal all the acorns was to scam the poor squirrels. So the next day they enacted their plan of posting signs everywhere within the forest with the following written on them. "Give us ten acorns and get twenty back!" Truly a dastardly scheme that any human or demon meat would fall victim to quite easily.

But of course squirrels aren't stupid and knew it to be a scam so after no squirrel came for several weeks Froggy knew that he had been duped. Upset he declared war on squirrels. That is when the Huntmaster Hamster did what only he could. Using his bow made up of hundreds of inferior rodents he shot the frog kings subordinate the ant eating armadillo, forever ceasing his ant eating days. Froggy the king so distraught forgot all about the declaration of war and instead hosted a month-long funeral.

So Reader, how did you like my second issue of the Huntmaster Hamster? It possesses a mastery of literature does it not? That was your que to agree and shower my second issue with praise. Since I can't actually hear you or see you do it I will assume you are giving my second issue the appreciated amount of praise. In fact I knew you would like it more than any story you have ever read so I have already thought up the third issue.

It was a nice autumn noon-

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Sorry about that Reader I probably should have cut the sword off earlier, the entire Huntmaster story is horrible. The first issue if you can believe it was far worse and longer. Instead of subjecting you to that torture I figured I would take a brief moment to come back in and have a nice chat. I know it hasn't been long since I've written to you especially since I said I wouldn't be anymore but that Huntmaster story is so terrible that being forced to write even that little bit was a chore in of itself. Unfortunately it seems there isn't much to show or tell you story wise elsewhere. Not to worry Reader I am prepared, I will simply fill in some gaps for you to pass the time.

Let's see here Muffles has scaled down the mountain, she's within her home having a nice conversation with her brother. How nice. Wait a moment Reader is this? Oh my, the sword never told you how long it's been? Truly? Hang on I just need to review what I've written…that is correct it hasn't. My deepest apologies, Reader you must be lost indeed. It's been several weeks since Muffles has left the sword to rot in its new cliffside prison. I would love to stay and catch up but it would appear we don't have as much time as I thought we did.

~Well wishes

The Writer

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And that Reader is how the huntmaster hamster killed all the purple pine eaters with just one arrow and his newly created gas attacks. Once more I will reiterate that these gas attacks that may or may not be considered "Wrong" or "Unethical" or per-say a "War crime" don't apply here because this isn't your world and they only work against purple pine eaters and purple pine eaters suck.

Hmm what to do now I don't have the fourth issue ready yet. I suppose I could go silent for a bit while I come up with the epic fourth issue of the Huntmaster hamster. Hang on, good news Reader something has just popped its one eyed head over the mountain. It appears to be a ball with an eye at the center no wait it's moving. No no no Reader don't tell me I know exactly what this thing is it's a umm one eyed orc or hobgoblin,ooo maybe a one eyed baby kraken! Oh neverminded it's nothing so interesting, just a cyclops.

The cyclops that anyone might have mistaken for some other kind of demon would be easily mislabeled by anyone due to its unnaturally short height. It looked to be no bigger than four feet a shrimp by cyclops standards where each one was anywhere from 15-20 feet tall. It had a single buck tooth at the center of its mouth and exactly three eye lashes, wearing a ragged piece of clothing that was covered in grass stains and dirt.

The cyclops lumbered about stumbling on rocks and tripping over its own feet but never falling despite its clumsiness. Even by cyclops standards it looked rather dim-witted with an occasional string of drool leaking from its mouth. It also made high pitched squeals of excitement anytime it found a rock small enough to pick up and chuck. Its enthusiasm never dwindled as it ended up finding and chucking the same two rocks over and over again.

This went on for a few hours until by chance it accidentally threw one of its rocks towards me. The damned cyclops hadn't even seen me more enthralled by its dull rock tripping over me as it tried to get to its prized possession. The cyclops rolled several times with dramatic effect then it got up and didn't even bother to look at what it had tripped on. I don't know why I thought it would. I mean it is just a one-eyed meat-bag, and when it comes to rocks no meat-bag can think clearly. They are after all the true love of all things meat.

This intellectual standard for meat-bags immediately started to try to lift a large rock that it mistook for its rock from earlier, except this time it failed. Do you know why Reader?Ooo shall we have a quiz? Is it because A: That rock is the wrong color and only correctly colored rocks can be lifted? B: The cyclops had suddenly become weaker or C: Because what they are currently attempting to lift is embedded into the mountain.

For the few of you that guessed C, congratulations! You are correct. The rock they had meant to pick up was several feet to the left. The rock the cyclops was trying to lift was closer to a bolder in size and in no way resembled the small sharply edged rock they had thrown earlier. The cyclops huffed, puffed, and made all manner of madding shrieks all in an effort to lift a rock that was clearly a part of the mountain, needless to say it failed.

Now Reader I know you too are a rock enthusiast just like the deformed cyclops so perhaps you might better understand why it was so enamored by these rocks. Personally, meat-bags fascination with rocks has admittedly eluded me. This likely has come as a shock to you, that my grand all-knowing nature doesn't understand something but even I have limits and in this case my limit is understanding the relationship between rocks and meat-bags.

The cyclops grunts and shrieks grew so annoying over the next hour that I can honestly say I missed the squeals of delight that it had earlier when it was just chucking the rocks. I would like to say it eventually realized that it was trying to pick up the wrong rock but it didn't. It wasn't until sunset that a cyclops that was correctly sized came by and picked up the smaller one hauling it away all the while it slobbered and blubbered to the larger cyclops pointing at the big rock it couldn't pick up as the cyclops nodded along like everything it was saying made sense.

Well I can confidently say Reader that I learned absolutely nothing I mean honestly what the fuck was that? I would have been better off narrating paint drying or the clouds moving than that deformed buffoon. Well I hope you at least enjoyed this rocky intermission and can share some kinship with your fellow meat-bag rock lover deformed cyclops.

That is if your world is in a place where cyclops aren't enemies or something, if they are well that's more of a you problem and you really should stop bringing others down with your problems. It's annoying, seriously Reader no one wants to hear about how your family or smaller remote village that no one cares about was killed by one or many cyclopes. It's not interesting and we didn't ask. Frankly you're being inconsiderate to all the Readers that just want to read about some meat-bag liking rocks. Honestly other Readers some people just have to make everything about them. For all you other Readers feel free to ignore that drama obsessed person they just want attention, the best thing to do is ignore them and hopefully they'll just go away.