7 therapy

today I was asked to tell my story and I said yes cuz I'm not ashamed of my past. When it came time to tell it I knew that I skipped many pieces, important information and very detailed details of my past. when I was finished .I thought back when I had said I'm trying to understand why was it so hard that I had to edit my past. well I think I understand now a few hours later because even though I accept my past I fully process it, I felt ashamed of my fear of judgment. the judgment they were going to have on the person that raised me. that if she could be that what can I become. well let's start because I'm not ashamed anymore my past is what made me, not define me. I was the no desired pregnancy, the mistake that shouldn't have happened at the age of 3 months my birth father told me to die. I was raised by a single mother who worked in prostitution to keep food on the table, no judgment. my mom married a good man but we lived in a domestic violence household it was my dad against my mom either or would always end up hurt. it got to the point where it seems natural to have a toxic relationship. at the age of 10 I was raped by my cousin from my mom's side yet nowhere to go ( my mom hate start to show more) if I told someone he would try to do it to my sister and I wouldn't let that happen yeah now I know I couldn't always protect her. the **** didn't stop until I was 15 (@ 16 the beating got worst) my mom found out two months after I turned 15 because a friend had told her while she was drunk. my mom instead of trying to console me and get the story from me she blamed me and said it was my fault that she couldn't see him again. (oh I forgot to mention the cousin that raped me was my mom's favorite nephew) after that every time she got a new boyfriend I couldn't laugh, couldn't smile, couldn't even talk because I was whoring around. but what takes the cake is that when she got together with the father of the 8th child I was kicked out because I was trying to steal her man. a friend let me crash in his garage that night luckily I had met him that day the next day I moved on lime Street in Long Beach for the voucher apartments I stayed there 3 months with no word from her. I had a job interview one day I had to walk my ass from Long Beach to Huntington Park and back and let me tell you I'm not skinny I'm a fat person so that was a lot I lost around 100 pounds those 3 months. that day I met my baby's father and that started the whole new s*** hole. part 1 of my sad life

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