5 about me

What I write honestly even I don't understand what I trying to say. I enjoy the thought of death of the freedom it brings yet when I met it face to face I trembled form eximent to terror as I recall that I'm not alone anymore. That my smiles and tears belong to a plus one. That my blood has a extra vessel to carry it. I'm a emotional disturbing person I know. I laughed in funerals of people I care for I also do it when I'm nervous. Yet cry when furious and under pressure. I have a dark sense of humor blood is funny to me. I enjoy writing storys form kids stuff to horror yet I never finished a story I always end up mixing and matching which makes a total new one. I can dream a whole movie in my head out of fusteration yet have a difficult time explaining why the torcher in it was funny. I'm a home body never felt the need to be outside I do it because adults have to. I can't wait for rain on a sunny day. I'm a very critical realistic person so I don't allow myself to see the new , documentarys , or chiaratiy events. Because let be real I don't care who just died, simple I don't know the person or does it affect me at all, I can go back to my daily life without that person it is tragic for the family but everyone has to die sometime it not like they would care if my family member died. I can't lie perfectly I always end up telling on myself, stupid I know. Also not all that bright when it comes to life yet if you get me a books I can talk about almost everything. I'm a lazy person I love my bed only get up for people that are worthy or to get the door since I don't live a rich life. I'm terrified or giving birth I did it once and did like it that hurt. " you forget the pain when you see your baby" no you don't you simply have to suck it up because you can hurt the child. I was 21 when I found out that my only drunk moment got me pregnant. My mom solution was a abortion yet I'm against kill children so I ignore her. The father to my baby asking who's the dad when I have been with him since 18. My Dad tells me that it's time to grow up. I'm again 21 and terrified I know I'm not ready yet I have to do it. Adoption was never a option to me since it was my baby. At 8 months I had to pickup my high as kite pregnant mom because she trying to leave with a married man and take her home. it was raining when I was on my way back at the yellow light it all went dark next thing I know I'm hanging upside down in the car with people trying to open my door. I crawled out as I was told to do then went to the hospital. Nothing was wrong just scratches they say yet I told them that my back hurt it normal in car accidents apperantly . I get a ride home form my boyfriend as he yelling about the stupid car I get home at 11. I shower and try to sleep by 3 I'm up trying to find my spot by 3:30 I started my contractions I simply ignore the pain by 5 I noticed something was wrong with me so I shower get a bag of my stuff and call my boyfriend. At 6 he drops me off and gos to work still mad. I enter and when they set me up in a room I was 4 open which was the cause of the back pain. so I was left alone with fast check up until I was 10 open by then it was 10pm I was tired, alone, hungry, and worried about pushing yet no calls. I got the back shot for the pain I was shot 7 times since I was fat and it wouldn't reach in-between my back bone and they had to feel for it inside me. when it was done I couldn't feel my legs so I was hard to push. at 10:31pm my son was born with problems breathing so they took him away before I could hold him. He was sent to the ICU and I had to pee so I made myself walk to the bathroom. I not healthy to do but I was by myself and I had to see my baby. didn't get to see him until the next day when told the nurse that I was fine to walk. Even if I did peraitce all night called my boyfriend that night and he was asleep told me to call when I got out. so I called my Dad he said that he would visit in the morning. When I finally saw my baby he was small and ugly like a little molerat weight of 5pounds2oz tiny thing and that was hard to push out. I tried feeding him but I have small nipples he couldn't latch and I had no milk so bottle it was. I was in the hospital for 3days and my baby was there a week so I had to go back every day to learn about taking care of a preme baby especially when it is a 8 month preme since it is when there brain starts to develop. After that week took him home. So no more kids for me hopefully because I'm now 24 turning 25 and I still don't think I can handle a new born again. It is 3:04am and I'm sleepy so bye.