I shift on my bed, not feeling sleepy at all, staring out at the window, looking at the moon.
"Brighter than it usually is." I murmur.
The night is gorgeous at this point, with the stars twinkling and not a cloud in sight. I wish I could sleep outside for once. Under all this magic. Because I feel trapped in my home, in my small room I have to share with Emma.
Is it weird if I say that I don't feel safer inside?
I would have kept staring outside at the view if it weren't for Emma, who says in low voice,
"What do think about it?"
I frown to myself, "What do I think about what?"
She sighs, like I'm the idiot one in the room, "You know...About what Dad said."
I turn my body to face her, who's staring right back at me from across the room.
"I'm honestly not sure what to make of it."
"I mean, he wasn't even huffing and complaining like he always does!"
I close my eyes for a second, rewinding the time in my mind and thinking the time at dinner all over.
"What's your point?" I ask.
"I don't know..." Emma shrugs, "I guess all I'm saying is: What's with the sudden change in his attitude?"
I draw out a long breath through my mouth, "It isn't really a bad thing. Maybe he has decided to change himself, you know?"
"Maybe..." She doesn't sound like she's convinced.
"He didn't even burst when I took Jason's name." I say, thoughts rushing around my eyes, making my head spin, "So, I guess he's trying to make it up to us. What if...What if he wants us to forget the past and move on?"
My voice squeaks a little in excitement and it's only then I realize how desperate I actually am.
"You really want this to change huh?" Emma mutters under her breath.
"Don't tell me you don't!" I retort a little. "Wouldn't you want everything to change the way I'm thinking it to?"
She stays quiet for a minute, "Well, I do want Jason and Dad to get along like they used to. I'm sick of this awkwardness between them!"
"I know. It's kind of frustrating now."
"Maybe Dad's just tryna cool the heat?" Emma suggests, hopefully.
We don't speak after that. The darkness closing my drooping eyelids, as I realize that the conversation is probably over.
"You talked to Jason?" Emma asks, out of nowhere, making me jump with a start.
"Come on, Em." I groan, "Let me sleep."
"Answer my question first." She says.
I sigh, "Yes. I did talk to him."
"What did you say to him?" She questions.
"Does it matter?" I roll my eyes.
"It may not to you but it does to me!" Emma huffs, defensively. "Do you have any idea about how long it's been since you two had a normal chat? Why do you think I let you take his dinner to him."
"Cause you're to lazy too do it yourself?" I guess, sarcastically.
"What? No! No, you idiot!" She splutters in anger. "Why the hell would you...? Never mind. I let you take the dinner so you guys could have a decent talk and make up!"
"Hmm..." I don't know what to say.
She continues, "I mean I know things were hard and all. And it's reasonable that Dad's angry at him but I don't see any reason for you to be-"
"He left us, Emma." I hiss, "Don't you get it? He didn't think once and just left all of us. He had always been stubborn but I never in my life thought he would be that selfish to leave us behind."
"Yeah but he came back!" Emma says defensively.
I scoff, "He only came back because he wasn't good enough for the big city. Because he had no one. No place to stay or money. He had to come back, selfish as he is..."
She stays quite. Processing these thoughts in her mind. And then, finally says,
"You think what you want to and I'll think what I want to."
No words were shared after that. And even if they were, I don't remember, since I was long gone in a deep sleep.
"The darkness. It's everywhere. No one around me as I call out. I feel like my feet are frozen. I can't move. I want to but I can't. I feel silence. A silence that grips you from the neck and throws you away. And I'm all alone. Such a loneliness that can make you cry. And that's when I hear it. A scream. I cry for help much desperate than mine. Someone calls out my name. "Charlotte! Charlotte!" And I want to move. I want to help. The voice sounds like a woman. But maybe I'm wrong. Whoever it is...needs help. That's when I see where I'm standing. There's light for a mere second that blacks out as quickly as it came but...I'm standing on the edge..of a cliff. The voice is coming from below me. Someone hanging from a weak root of a tree sticking out of the cliff. And it's going to going to break. I try to reach down to help as that someone screams and screams, piercing my ears. But something's holding me back. Someone is holding me back. And that helpless person. Falls. Falls down in the pit of darkness. And I didn't even know how that person looked like but I feel pain. Pain of loss as I cry...the screams echoing everywhere. Never-ending."
I gasp, waking up with a start. I lift myself up, sitting straight.
My heart is beating fast. Unwanted energy shooting in my veins, making my whole body shake.
Damn it. Why does this always happen to me?
The brightness of the morning window is killing me. I reach out with my hand to draw the curtains.
Ugh. My head. It's throbbing.
I place my head in my hands. Trying to make it stop.
It's always like this. Every single morning.
My hands are shivering uncontrollably as I wipe the sweat from my forehead.
"Good." I hear Emma say, standing in front of the door. "You're awake."
"What time is it?" I ask, trying my best to stop my voice from trembling.
"Eleven something." She replies.
I open up the side-able drawer next to my bed, taking out the painkillers tablets.
"What are you doing?" Emma says, rushing towards me, attempting to snatch them away from me. "You're not supposed to take them with an empty stomach!"
"Get away." I push her, weakly. "I can't take it. My head's going to explode."
"Just get me a glass of water." I order, firmly.
She chews her lips, looking uncertain. But after one glare she runs off.
These constant headaches. I hate them so much. I want them to stop. But nothing ever works.
Some say it's got to do with family blood. That it was passed down. Some say I have anxiety. I don't know though. I just don't know. But something tells me it's because of that dream I keep having.
It doesn't make sense.
That woman in it. That voice. It just doesn't make any sense.
Emma comes back with the glass of water.
"Here." She says, eagerly, handing it to me.
I take a pill and swallow it , gulping it down with the water.
I'm just about to get up when Emma asks, concerned.
"Worse then usual, huh?"
"Yeah." I mutter, "This was a strong one."
"Should I tell Dad?" She asks.
"No. Don't bother him." I reply. "I'm sure it isn't a big deal."
"Don't." she says, as I stand a little dizzily.
"You should sleep some more." her voice is low and worried, "I'll wake you up in an hour or so. I'll do your chores."
My eyes widen. She never offered once to take over my work.
I smile thinly, "Thanks."
She grins, "But you better get well soon because I'm not going to do all of them."
I laugh. "Why am I not surprised?"
She gives me a nod, before heading out.
Taking all the friendliness and warmness with her.
My expression changes into something serious.
This headache...It was worse than anything I've ever experienced.
Much worse than I ever thought it could be.
These are the difficulties I have to bear all by myself.. Without anyone knowing.