Chapter 1 - What is the Meaning of Life?
What is the meaning of life?
A rhetorical yet very subjective question that will have different answers varying from person to person. One may consider the "meaning of life" as a higher existence using every living being as a piece to a gigantic puzzle. Perhaps someone sees spending their time with loved ones as their meaning. Another person might see the meaning of life as responsibility. A duty to feed their loved ones, a duty to satisfy the goal of another, or a duty to please others. But are they really living for themselves? Or are they a source of entertainment and amusement for those who surround them?
The people around me have seem to found their purpose- or meaning. Yet I don't even know what to do in the near future. I'm constantly surrounded by pressuring questions along the lines of "how do I see myself in the next few years?" or "what career would I love to do for the rest of my life?" Maybe the feeling is mutual. Maybe others hide behind a facade, a lie of knowing their purpose, and hiding the fact that they feel lost. It's almost as if everyone tells you to follow your path to your future, yet you have absolutely no clue whatsoever as to where that path lies. Almost as if you're telling a homeless being to purchase a house. Bullshit.
Maybe I'm a lazy person. Maybe I'm not so hardworking. Maybe I've procrastinated my whole life and have never worked hard at all. All of these small things may have led me to the conclusion that I.. have no real purpose.
I'm living, yet not alive.
***
*Ring* *Ring* *Ring*
'Hah.. 5 more minutes please…'
Unfortunately, time waits for none.
After fighting the temptation to hit the snooze button on my phone, I muster up the strength to leave my bed. Stopping the alarm, I glance at my phone.
Friday November 4, 2022
6:01 AM
'Today is Friday… a few tests and then it's the weekend! I'm excited…'
Excited for what exactly?
'Haah..'
Sighing heavily, the repetitive intrusive thoughts of life being like a boring repetitive cycle emerges in my mind.
'If only I could escape this world.. or have a more interesting life..'
The apartment I live in could be considered mediocre at best. The walls are in fairly decent conditioned, containing a few chipped off scratches on its light grayish white color. The living quarters consist of a living room, singular bedroom, and bathroom. The place is oddly designed, as the bedroom is on the exact opposite side of the bathroom. Why couldn't it be placed in the same room? There is minimal furniture, consisting of an ordinary couch, television, drawers, and a table placed in the middle of the living room. My bedroom lacks any unique features, only having a bed and closet. The kitchen looks new, as if it was completely unused. Hell, there's even a lack of cooking ingredients and tools. Every article of furniture in the apartment has garnered a small amount of dust, as if the owner has not lived in the apartment for a few weeks.
I sluggishly walk to the bathroom, towel in hand, uniform in another. My daily morning routine consists of a few odd things. Staring at myself in the mirror with animosity and hatred for my every being is one of those habits. Self hatred born from not my own thoughts, but the thoughts of those around me.
I am a product of another's influence. The feeling of abandonment and hopelessness. Should I be given the chance to live a different life, I would seize it without hesitation.
The reflection in the mirror wasn't unpleasant, but it wasn't very charming, especially with the resentful glare that the figure in the mirror contained deep in its eyes. Those black eyes seemed to be scanning everyone inch of its image in the mirror. From my black unkempt hair, to my chubby cheeks, then onto my flabby stomach, I viewed everything with animosity. Pure contempt for my physical appearance. Insecurity. A common trait amongst youths.
Doesn't every teenager have similar thoughts? After all, overthinking is quite common. Regardless of his similarities with others, his circumstances are quite poor. He lives alone in his apartment, relying on his grandmother for allowance and rent. Unfortunately, his parents passed away in an accident and his relatives greedily took away his inheritance. A tragedy indeed.
Getting ready for school takes about 30 minutes on average. I usually skip breakfast because I'm attempting to lose weight. Body shaming jokes have really left a deep scar on me. A big portion of my insecurities are born from insults that have been hurled at me.
***
After taking the subway and walking a few blocks, I arrive in front of the school gates. The campus itself is quite fancy. The school gates are 3 meters high and are connected to a 5 meter wall that surrounds the entire school grounds. The schools buildings are colored white with the roof being and other smaller details being highlighted in blue. Eastwood highschool is has four floors and is a pretty large campus. One may say it's quite grand for a highschool.
*Ding* *Dong* *Ding* *Dong*
The bell for the 20 minutes before school starts goes off. A traumatic sound indeed. I really do hate school. Not the education system itself, but rather the people inside of it. Eastwood highschool is a public school. It's located in New York, specifically long island.
7:30 AM
I arrive at my first class and open my notes. The school classroom is pretty well designed and large containing about 2 meters of space in between the teachers desk and the student tables. Each student table seats two people. The room itself is colored white and filled with english quotes taken from famous books and speakers.
Amongst the chatter between the few students who have arrived early, the sound of footsteps and the pulling of the chair right next to my desk takes my attention. This annoying tool. Dylan Sterling. He hand brunette hair and an annoying appearance that made one bothered by his presence. Dylan is a simple highschool teenager who appeals to others to seem "cool", and the very same guy who makes me do his homework. It's a very tedious process as well, as I have to copy his very handwriting which is not by any means easy.
"Hey Cain, did you do my work?"
'Ah.. I'm screwed. I forgot to do it.'
"You didn't do it, did you?"
"Ah.. I'm sorr-"
"Fuck, you're gonna ruin my grades. What were you doing last night that made you forget? Or were you to busy eating burgers. HAHA."
After a few bursts of laughter and insults from Dylan, his comedic tone shifts from him humorous to a more demanding and serious one.
"We've got 20 minutes. Do it. NOW."
Cain grits his teeth and hesitantly pulls out a piece of paper and pencil, paraphrasing the English homework that is due the moment class starts.
18 minutes later, Cain finishes Dylan's homework, followed by the teachers entrance inside the classroom. All of the students immediately fall silent and pay their respects to the English teacher.
"Good morning, Mr. Oakley."
"Good morning. You all have an assignment due once the bell rings. Start taking your homework out and passing it to the front of the class. We will start the free response question test on the two books we have recently read as a class in 10 minutes…"
***
"Today, we will begin our new topic on limits…"
***
"Let's begin with homeroom attendance. Henry Daxton?"
"Here."
…
"Cain Donovan?"
"Here."
***
"Meiosis and Mitosis are two different processes where…•
"Fundamental principles in computers…"
"You have 35 minutes to complete the test.."
***
*Ding* *Dong* *Ding* *Dong*
After Cain's long, arduous, and unexciting day of school, he decided to apply for a local gas station located a few blocks away from his apartment.
"Why do you think you are best fit for this…"
"What makes you better…"
***
*Click*
'Finally… I'm home'
Cain looks down at his phone waiting for his grandmas deposit.
Friday November 4, 2022
7:23 PM
*1 New Notification*
[ Harriet Donavan has deposited 250.XX Dollars into your checking account ]
'Enough to get through another week.'
[ Text Messages ]
[ 7:23 ] Grandma: Use your allowance wisely. If you're grateful, study hard. Love Grandma :)
[ 7:25 ] Cain: I will Grandma. Love you
My mind remained fixated on that grey text bubble containing my Grandmas text message. A day of business has been completed. Cain was left with no distractions, resulting in a flood of emotions crashing like a wave to his head.
'Study? Study for what? To go down a career path and continue living a dull life? Haah..'
I sighed gently, pondering these thoughts as I lay dejectedly on my couch.
'But it is Grandma's wish for me to do well. She is truly one of the only, if not, the only person who has loved me and supported me at this moment. I'll fulfill her wish for her.'
I sheepishly grinned, a tear falling down my right eye.
'What am I to do though, once she leaves this world?'
*Ring* *Ring*
The ringing of my phone disrupted my state overthinking.
'Ah, what incredible timing.'
"Hey dear, how are you doing. Why haven't you picked up the phone? I've called you 4 times already."
A few seconds followed my Grandmas response, as I was on the brink of tears due to my ridiculous thoughts. Hearing the gentle and soothing voice of my Grandmother completely erased any of the negative thoughts that I had bathed in.
"Cain? Dear-"
"Yes Grandma. I'm fine, how are you?"
"I'm doing fine, you know me. Would you like to come visit on Sunday? I'll cook your favorite beef stew!"
The silent tears slowly dried out. My Grandma was currently the only light for me in this world.
"Yes Grandma, I'd love too…"
***
Laying on my soft mattress, back against the bed, facing the ceiling, a feeling of warmth settled in my mind. The meaning or purpose of life isn't limited to one thing, or the same thing throughout your entire life. The purpose of life varies from person to person, but it is a large puzzle for everyone nonetheless. A piece of my bland puzzle has been found.
'My purpose? For now, it's to spend the remaining time that my Grandma has left with her.'
On that chilly night, Cain felt a warmth in his heart that he hadn't felt in a while. He had never slept so deeply in his entire life.