Reminiscing

Being gay is hard. Especially so in countries that do not allow same-sex relationships or countries that criminalise same-sex relationships. Unfortunately for me, my situation's the latter.

The punishment for the 'crime' of homosexuality is a max of 20 years imprisonment with whippings. It is truly scary to see that I can be severely punished just because I was born a little different from the 'normal' 'people' in this world.

Nevertheless, I'm am but a teenager, who is still powerless and unable to do any drastic changes to the constitutionality of my country. So I decided to just forget about reality and indulge in my delusions while writing about them in my diary.

I figured that since I'm still in high school, I have time to experience some high school romance without caring about anything not anyone else. But of course, things never go the way you want it to.

I really started to discover my sexuality only when I was 16. I had boy crushes before 16 as well but thought nothing of it, since I wasn't really aware of what being gay really was. I only really knew I was gay when COVID hit and tiktok became really popular.

I noticed that whenever I watched any gay videos that do pop-up in my for you page, I felt a strange sense of longing for the love I saw displayed in those videos.

So as any normal person would do, I watched more of those videos. Then I slowly moved from videos to literature. That was when I really started slaying. The more stories I read of gay relationships, the more I wanted one for myself.

I had quite the unhealthy obsession with gay stories back then. There were times where I wouldn't even sleep at nights and only slept in the morning which made me miss all my online classes.

But after we no longer had to quarantine and was able attend school normally, my life changed. I slept at appropriate times and still managed to read my stories. I also started to pay attention in class, which I didn't do during the 2 years in quarantine. It was also the year I met the one who really awakened me.

It all started a few months before school ended for the year. Our class had to go to the science lab this morning and so everyone was heading downstairs. I was also heading downstairs when I saw him sleeping on the dirty floor. I was quite speechless because I've never seen anyone do anything like this before. But since science class was starting, I went to him and quickly woke him up.

He only woke up after I called his name three times, that too with a dumb-looking face. I said to him that it was time to go to the science lab and he quickly collected himself and prepared to go down.

We didn't have any other interactions for the rest of the day. But there was an odd moment when he randomly said my name, like out of nowhere. I looked at him and I saw that he was reading through the name list of our class, but he only mentioned my name.

I didn't think nothing of it at that time, I just felt it was pretty weird to be saying someone's name randomly. The day passed very quickly and I had to wake up for school again. I hate waking up at school but one thing that makes it better is just bathing cold water. It's one of my reasons for living. Just kidding, I don't have one.

After bathing, I changed into my uniform and I headed straight to school. I just went into class directly and waited for my friends to come. I have a small friend group of four, including me. I consider two of them my best friend. Orion, the one I met during my first year I transferred to this school and Chan, who I met just this year. There was also Chong, one of my closer female friends in the school.

We all arrived almost the same time and then we just started talking like usual. We talked about everything that came to our minds, the common topic usually being anime or songs. That was when Ira came to talk to Chan. I was quite surprised that they knew each other, but I didn't mind. Ira really like showing of his muscles and veins which I really didn't get the reason for doing so. But I did enjoy it, it was quite sexy for me.

Class started and I noticed Ira was quite active in class, answering the teacher's questions and stuff like that. So I also started doing so. A few days passed and we had formed some kind of rivalry against each other. How? I don't even know. But I really enjoyed competing with him for our academics.