3 Chapter 3

Trigger warning:

In this chapter, suicide will be addressed, but not attempted. It will mostly be about the stresses and depression experienced by the character.

If anyone is going through this, please reach out to someone and just talk.  Whether it be finding someone who could relate, or give advice, or just be a listening ear, it is all better than struggling alone. Allow someone to be there for you and support you in such a situation,or any situation really.

Love you all.

Enjoy the chapter.

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Nikki slowly breathed as she stared at her notes in the book. It was currently 22:35, and she was still trying to finish studying a chapter for the Physics exam. She closed her eyes as she concentrated on her breathing. A soft whimper escaped her lips and she quickly coverd her mouth with her hand. Tears formed in her eyes, ready to wet the already dry lines on her face. Her head ached from the crying, and her heart ached from the suppression.

It was happening again.

'No, it can't be happening again. I said it would not happen again. Why is this happening again?' She thought to herself.

Tears fell from her eyes. She opened them and tried to concentrate.

'I have to study. The exam is in two days. This cant be happening right now. I don't have time for this. I have to finish studying and then revise thoroughly this time, or I'm going to fail.'

She roughly wiped her tears off and read her notes out loud.

"The Le Châtelier principle states that if the equilibrium in a closed system experience changes to the external conditions, then the equilibrium..."

' I can't concentrate. I don't even know what I'm saying. This is so hard, and my head hurts. I don't want to do this. I don't want to do any of this!'

She threw her book across the room, put on her earphones and goes under under her blankets.

'I just need some music. I'll be fine.'

She put on Undo by Sanna Nielson and closed her eyes as her listened to the lyrics.

'Why is this song so suddenly depressing?'

She changed it to Break My Heart by Dua Lipa, an upbeat song to lighten up her mood.

'I don't want this. It doesn't feel right. Nothing feels right.'

She roughly snatched her earphones off and buried her face in the pillow as she continued crying.

Her chest continued to feel like a load, pulling her more into the bed. She didn't want to do anything,she didn't want to say anything. She just wanted to cry and let it out, scream even, but she couldn't. Her family would hear her.

She had locked herself in her room to study for the exams. Everything was going well, until out of nowhere, she suddenly felt so sad. She had tried so many times to overcome it, but it was no use. She was depressed.

Last time it happened was a month before, all because her headphones broke. That day was the worst day ever. She stressed so much that she cried, but she never let anyone know of it. No one knows about her suffering. She has no explanation for it either, so she keeps quiet about it.

Her tears eventually stopped after an hour or so, but the feeling never left. She stared out the window from the open curtains, and became more saddened to find no moon or stars in the night sky. Nothing could distract her. She turned to the other side, and found a compass lying on the ground next to her open pencil case. She stared at it.

Or more specifically, at the sharp item on it.

It looked like it was calling her to it. It looked so shiny under the light. She couldn't look away. She wanted to touch it, but she knew she never would. She wasn't the type. The scars would show, and the outcomes too severe. But she couldn't think of anything else at the moment. So she just kept staring as new tears formed.

'Why?' She asked herself. 'Why is this happening? Why can I not stop? I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to be like this anymore. I want to be happy. Why can't I be happy?'

Nikki slowly stood up and walked to her desk. If she couldn't think of a solution, then she would write the problem.

She took her paper and her pen and began writing.

"Dear Future Nikki"

"It happened again. Why is it happening again? Do you know of any solution, or are you still as clueless as you were?

"I know I can take it, but I don't know for how long. Suppressing this problem is becoming so hard for me now. These death threats in my head are increasing. I have officially diagnosed myself with depression. I simply can't deny it anymore. I feel so lifeless, lonely and empty. I have so much self hatred and I can't find any reason to truly smile right now.

"I don't even know who to talk to. I don't know who to trust. I've never mentioned anything to anyone before, nor had I had any type of convos relating to this with anyone before. I'll feel so selfish making it all about me, and they probably have their own problems as well.

"I can't talk to anyone close to me, because I can't trust them. They judge me and tease me already without even  knowing about my real problems. I can't talk to a stranger because I'd have to explain my back story, and I don't even know the cause of this. All I know is how I feel now, and how I don't want to be in this situation."

Nikki cried hard, trying her best to control her whimpers.

"I don't want to die. I want to get better. But it's so hard when all I want to do is cry all the time. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I need the help without the pity, or the fear, but it's all holding me back.

"I'm too scared to go to church. I don't even know if God exists anymore. I pray, but I don't mean it anymore. I beg, but I don't know if I'm begging to a God up there, or to thin air. I feel no connection of my body to my spirit.

"My soul is hungry and I have nothing to feed it. I'm just existing, but I'm not living. I'm too lost to be found, here and nowhere, alive and dead. Hope still lives, but it's slowly fading away...

"I don't know what to do anymore.

"From Past Nikki

21st October"

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