2 Chapter 2: Judge Me Not

'Where am I?'

I tried to raise myself up, but I just felt a pressure pushing me down.

I tried opening my eyes, but I couldn't tell if I did or not. All I could see was darkness. I couldn't turn to see if it expanded all around.

I tried to talk, say anything, yell! But, nothing came out. I could not even feel my body.

'What happened to me?'

I thought back on what is the last thing I remembered.

It was our anniversary, we were home, Samsara and I, I had cooked this time, Sam had cooked last anniversary. We had whiskey, we I did, she said she was on her period and took water instead, I didn't wanted to smell what that did to her during that time of the month. She had put on music, and the music was loud, I remember Jimmy Hendrix playing. Then we started making out, I felt bad, I couldn't make it to most important dates because of my job. We stopped, there were noises, I went to checked them out. I had taken my gun, I killed one intruder in the living room, one was coming down the stairs as I locked the door. After killing him, another one was in the hallway, he shot me twice.

'Why doesn't it hurt?'

'After that?'

After that, I shot him and killed him. I hurried to see if Sam was okay, she was shaken up, but okay. I wanted to apply self-aid before calling Nine-One-One, I remember asking Sam if she was doing okay. I think I turned around, and , and , and she shot me? Me? She shot me!

'Why? For money? How could I have been so blind, I survived five tours in SpecOps, and many missions during my deployments, four gunshots, two knife wounds, two fingers, all to be done by my wife. Haha, it almost sounds like a Greek tragedy.'

'What else?'

'I was dying, but I got her back, I got her back.'

I had taken a grenade from the safe as a reflex.

'So am I dead?'

'Is this hell? An endless abyss of darkness?'

I wanted to shout.

'We were together for eleven years, eleven years! Married for ten!'

I wanted to laugh.

'Her face when she saw the grenade roll down from my hand, at least I had the last laugh, haha.'

I wanted to cry.

'I had saved over two million dollars, and I was about to retire, I had even bought a beach house down in Mexico, that bitch!'

I don't know how long I have ponder over my memories and my life. It feels like years.

Memories from my childhood, when I took my first steps, my mothers face as she picked me up. Her smile, as well as her tears when I turned twelve, finding a way to tell me my father was not coming back home from deployment. How proud she was as I shipped to OSUT* to learn how to be a soldier as I turned seventeen. The famous shark attack, trying not to laugh at the faces of the people around me, and failing as I had to drop with my bags and give my Drill Sergeant twenty.

My first UCMJ for not shaving properly, I had no idea how to do it without cutting myself at least three times each time while leaving one or two unshaven spots that sneaked past me.

Trying to make it past ranger school, sneaking away a few protein bars, while we were on the field.

Amber, the first girl I had sex with and my first teen love. First time I got drunk, same day I made a fool of myself in front of Liz.

Putting myself in Westpoint after my contract ran up, graduating as an Engineer, a Civil Engineer. Working a few years before September eleven happened and re-enlisting. Losing a few battle-buddies , re-enlisting again with the rest of my platoon. After my contract ended, my First Sergeant told me about doing contracting work, and the money involved. Meeting Sam after a few years, asking her to move with me, and the eventual wedding.

I must have gone to every single memory.

"I have seen enough, and now I have made a decision." a voice thundered in my ears.

'Did I still have ears? Or was that all just in my head?'

Whack! Whack! Whack!

'Am I finally going insane?'

I expected to see a fiery inferno surround me, a place to torment me for all the lives I have taken, I know I had done some things I regretted doing, even if it was an order. I wished for a lush garden and a winged creature waiting before opening the gates into heaven, or at least, Valhalla. Heck, I would even settle for the Styx, or maybe even a line of ghosts waiting for Grandma Po's soup.

No. Nothing of the like happened.

Same old void to keep me company, I felt even more alone.

No sound, no light, no crow named Nevermore, definitely nobody but me.

'If I don't do anything, will I go insane? Or am I already insane? I thought insane people can't tell if they are insane or not. Can they?'

'Aghh!! Make it end! Is this one of hell's torture? It's never ending nothingness!!'

I pried myself on my patience, but this is overtaxing it to the maximum, it must have been years since I died. I rather be tortured by an opposing enemy force than this.

Eventually, I started to embrace the void, yes, I am alone, but on the bright side, no one to order me, no one to nag at me, no worries, no stress, and no backstabbing murdering whores! Overall a plus!

Growing up, I had four hobbies that followed me throughout my life. Music, anime, meditating, and exercising. Those four were my stress relievers. Any of them could help me acclimate when a mission was rough, a lost friend, or when I had to do something that would stay in my head for weeks.

Which led me to meditate in the void, I had nothing else to do.

Meditating when you don't have a mouth or nose to inhale or exhale, was a bit hard to get used to, but the empty darkness helped considerably.

'Maybe I could even reach Nirvana and leave this place?'

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Time had no meaning anymore, I could have spent years here, or minutes.

Until I 'woke' up from my meditating.

I could feel something cover me, it felt warm, almost like a blanket. I could tell it was the darkness surrounding me, the void, it moved , if slow with my thoughts.

'If I had no body, was it covering my soul?'

I tried controlling it more, to move it around , I no longer felt the pressure from the darkness. It felt as if I went from an abyss in the ocean, to sitting calmly inside my house.

That's when I realized.

'The darkness is not empty it's a living void! It's nowhere yet everywhere! It's a liquid and a solid!'

Suddenly, I felt the void resonate with me, I could feel knowledge pour into my 'mind'. It was cold, but not uncomfortable. It's like it has always been there, a forgotten memory, forgotten no more.

I digested the new knowledge , went over every little tiny thing, any minuscule detail. In the army, you learn that life is in the details, missing a vital detail could lead to your, or your fellow battle's death. After enough time to memorize everything, it was time to test it out.

I formed a body for myself , a torso, two legs, two arms, and a head. I 'placed' myself inside the head. I still didn't have enough control to form fingers, toes, or anything else.

The void could be many more things, but my grasp on it could only go so far.

'One day, I'll learn all there is to know about you'

I 'pushed' against the void and decided to head in one direction.

It was hard to tell in the void what way was up, what was down, and keep track that you are not going in circles. But, I could feel the individual parts making-up the void, they were all very similar, combining into one , but oh so very different. Each tiny molecule of the void was unique, not one was the same.

I could see a light, but I was not sure if it was real or not. It seemed as if the void was consuming it, a dying candle in the darkness.

I traveled faster, imagining two jet engines behind my back. I felt a pull as I approached.

'All or nothing.'

The light soon covered my vision. I could feel warmth again.

'Shit, is this hell? I took a wrong turn somewhere?'

All of a sudden, I could feel, and I think I could hear a drum playing repetitively close by. Any sound, no mater what was welcomed.

The wool covering my senses removed, I was euphoric!

I tried opening my eyes to no avail. I felt like I could if I tried a bit harder. I took a deep breath to calm down, not realizing I did , I felt like I was underwater. I didn't feel like chocking, but I felt liquid and a warm energy going inside my lungs.

'Fuck! I am in a womb! That drum must be this woman's heart beat!'

I tried to open my eyes a couple more times, finally succeeding. I couldn't see perfectly, but even a smur was a welcome sight.

Judging by my eyes opening, and me breathing, I must be around six months in.

'Did I reincarnate? Was I sent back in time?'

'What ever it was, anything outside the void is heaven, I will make the most out of this!' I promised myself.

I felt my mind grow tired, my eyes closing by themselves, and soon I fell asleep.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I woke up, I can't quiet keep track inside a womb, but I have slept and woken around sixty times now.

I can stay awake for longer now, it seems my mind is adapting to my old soul.

So far, the only things I have figured out are, I am a late seven or eight month baby, breathing seems to invigorate my small body, and I can now focus on sounds outside.

I don't know if it is all in my mind, or my time in the void, but I can actually feel people 'outside' at times.

I have developed a few training exercises to help my growth, one of them been breathing as deeply as possible, and holding it for as long as my tiny body can take.

Another, that seems to also help increase my time awake, is going over every single memory I have, and repeat it all over and over again, almost like a mantra.

Lastly, I try to make out what are the sounds I hear, and focus my underdeveloped senses to the max.

I have had no luck deciphering what language they are speaking in, it sounds very familiar, but definitely not English.

Most of my time is spent sleeping, not by choice of course.

I can feel sleepiness overcome me once more, as my eyes start closing.

'Here we go again...'

___________________________________________________________________________________________________________

I think it's time.

I can feel the womb contracting, the amniotic sac broke not too long ago.

The heartbeat is beating more rapid.

I rotated my body to what I assume was down, as I hoped it all goes well with the birthing, my birth.

I focused my 'senses', training in the void developed them beyond what a human should be capable of. But my body limited how much I could sense or interpret.

I could feel two people close by, they were like two small blue fires to my senses. I could almost see their movements. I could now tell they were two women. I don't know how, but its like intuition telling me.'The nurses helping in my birth.'

My senses did not traveled past the walls, but I from them I could tell I was in a somewhat small room. I could not feel any medical equipment, 'Maybe I could not sense electronics?'

'It is time now.'

I felt the final push as I came out.

I blinked my eyes a couple of times, the light was bright but welcoming.

I settled my eyes on the woman who gave birth to me, my mother. She had silver hair, and big dark blue eyes. She had flawless porcelain-white skin, not marred by the sweat on her hair or skin. She had a beautiful and tender smile. She was saying something , I couldn't tell what, it sounded a bit like Japanese, I only knew a few words from watching anime, but not much.

I couldn't stop myself from smiling seeing her happy expression. I took the room surrounding me as the 'nurses' placed me in my mother's arms.

The two nurses looked like fit medieval nurses. They had a weird white coat/top and white pants that only reached their ankles, while wearing what looked like roman sandals. The had a white chef-looking hat on top. There was a red character on the coat, it looked Japanese.

They were also speaking, but I couldn't tell what it was they were saying, besides the happiness in their voices.

The room was devoid of anything except for the bed, a window, a small bed stand with yellow flowers in a vase, I couldn't see the other side as I felt my body rising from the bed.

The beautiful silver-haired woman, my mother now, was getting out of bed as if all she did was take a shit and not giving birth.

The nurses were trying to hold her back, but my mother seem like a badass, just brushed it off , all the while looking at me in her arms smiling.

I could only just laugh, what came out sounded more like a giggle.

'If my new mother is this tough, how strong will my new father be?'