To Leave Or Not To 

[NIKITA]

The traffic isn't so bad, so it will be easier to get to the hospital before my time for doing rounds end. As I navigate through the traffic, I can't help but think of my decision to leave this place. I literally grew up here, and other than med school, I have always loved the peaceful nature of this estate.

I love it here, but then with the same strength, I'm not too fond of it here.

The house feels empty without everyone being here, and it's like I'm all alone in there. I'm surrounded by beautiful memories, happy memories that should make me happy, but I know I can't be satisfied.

I lost everyone I loved in a plane crash. Maybe if I hadn't let them go on that trip without me, we would be together wherever they are right now. Just maybe.

I miss seeing my sister Raisa, and my best friend, Ren, fighting over the front seat of my ride. I miss their harmless banter and horrible voices while they do their carpool karaoke thingy. I miss everything about my family, and I can't help but wonder how it was up there in the sky when they lost control.

Were they scared? They might have been terrified, but my father, the great Dazai, is never scared of anything; I guess he was busy being the strong man he has always been to us.

I wonder what they were doing when the pilot told them they were losing momentum or when they knew they were never going to survive. I wonder whether they hated me for convincing them to go on that dreadful trip. I wonder if they miss me as I miss them daily.

As a doctor, my depression is almost ruining me and my career, but that's what I want. I want to ruin my life. I have nothing to live for anyway. I want to leave this place and be with my family. I just want to go away.

Today I'll turn in my resignation to the hospital management.

I need to start packing and selling my parent's properties. They are of no use to me anyway. I don't need the money, and I need my family. I want my family. Maybe if I leave this place, I will be okay.

Maybe I will feel better when I leave.

Maybe the nightmares will be reduced, and perhaps I won't have to fill the empty space they left with women, parties, and illegal car races. Maybe I'll just be a teacher somewhere in a different province where no one knows me.

I just want to leave everything behind, and my resignation will be the first step.

As I park my ride in the parking lot, I take a second look at the letter I've been holding since I left home.

Do I really want to do this?

Do I really want to leave everything here?

Then again, what's the point in me being a doctor when I couldn't even save my family? If I sell everything, I know I won't have any reminder of my family, but do I really want that? Maybe I'll sell some of the shares of the companies and properties to manage them from a distance.

Every time I look at Ren's parents, the Semenovs, I'm reminded that my persuasion cost them their only son, and while they can't blame me, I hate myself for it. That gives me the best idea I've had since I woke up; I can make them the custodians of all the properties my family left; that way, I can be sure they are well taken care of.

The only thing I have to do now is tender the damn letter.

****

The walk to the human resource offices feels like a walk of shame.

Shame for me who is about to quit the job I have loved with everything I got and lost.

Shame for going against my oath to save lives.

Shame for the number of times I've walked down this hallway and met patients who actually loved me. But that doesn't matter now; even if I wanted to stay, I would be inefficient because of my current mental state.

I contemplate going back and doing my rounds, but this has to be done. Just a few steps to the elevator and to the third floor. It shouldn't be so hard, right. As usual, the hospital is busy, and I take a moment to look around me.

Lately, everything has been packed in this hospital.

Everyone is busy, patients are streaming in like there is an outbreak, but then again, those are just speculations. Indeed if there were a pandemic, the CDC would have alerted us.

I say hi to Maggie at the reception, and as always, she is jovial, but something is off today. She looks tired, way too tired than usual, so I ask her if she's okay, knowing well that she won't ever lie to me.

She never lies to me about what she feels or how her day was. This is why I believe her when she says she's scared there are too many patients coming in and that the hospital might just be overwhelmed.

I try to encourage her and tell her all will be okay, but will anything ever be okay?

By the door, I see the guard whose always on duty like he has no family, but then I realize it's another guard, the hospital is making changes, and it feels strange. I want to ask Maggie about the usual night guard, but the elevator dings, and I have to leave. I guess I'll just ask her when I come back down.

Why do I feel like I'm betraying all these people?

Why do I feel like this is the worst mistake I will ever make in my whole life?

Why does this decision haunt me so severely?

I want to go back.

I want to take a step back and reconsider, but even if I reconsider, what use is a mentally unstable doctor to his patients?

I have issues to solve.

I have issues to tend to, like knowing how and why my parents' plane crashed out of nowhere?

The fact that the maintenance guy keeps insisting that the place was okay when my parents took off bothers me, especially since I've always believed in him. He has been working for the family for several years now, and this only meant there might be some foul play.

I need to know what happened.

I need to know why I keep dreaming of my sister's locket like this were some fucked up movie.