1 Simula

Why is it hard to love yourself and so easy to love someone for who you know will never be yours?

"Haisley! Bilisan mo na at baka ma-late ka! Nasa baba na si Veroniva, kanina ka pa hinihintay. Bilisan mo nang bata ka!" Nagulat ako sa sigaw ni mommy kaya napatingin ako sa orasan at alas osto na kaya  biglang napa mura. Malapit na kami ma late at dahil ito sa akin. Last glance at the mirror and I know I'm gorgeous. Tumakbo ako pababa at alam ko na agad ang aking dadatnan. My best friend, smiling without humor and I know she's pissed at me because I kept her waiting.

"I thought you're stuck in your room forever? And thanks by the way, we're gonna be late." She rolled her eyes and walked out. Nag paalam ako kay mommy bago sinundan ang aking badtrip na best friend.

"Vee, sorry na! Masyado lang akong naaliw sa bago kong set ng make up." I said making excuses kung bakit ako natagalan. 

"You know me, Vee. I love make up's. Wag ka ng magalit. I'll treat you nalang. You know, your favorite Iced frappoccino."

"You really know how to use your powers on me, huh. Fine, pasalamat ka at mahal kita kahit maarte ka!" Pabirong sabi niya pero alam ko naman na she mean it. I rolled my eyes before following her at her car.

Good thing, walang traffic and we still have fifteen minutes left, so no need to rush. First day new semester and this will be our last year in college. I prepared myself for all the things that could happen. I know fourth year college, maraming gagawin. You'll be busy with different subjects, getting good scores in every quizzes and exams. Deadline of projects and presentations.

"This is it! I can't believe that we're fourth year college. I prepared my self and no one will stand in my way." Smiling and thinking positive that I can achieve my expectations.

"Well, what can I expect from you? You are perfectionist so I know." Veronica said will laughing at me like an idiot. I rolled my eyes and flipped my hair and started walking while my dearest friend is laughing behind my back.

My parent and my best friend think I'm a perfect girl. But I know I'm not. My hair doesn't always stay in place and I spill things a lot. I'm pretty clumsy and I don't have an angelic face. I have flaws. I made mistakes. I have my insecurities and I sometimes weird. So, I'm not a perfect girl they always wanted me to be. And I do believe that there's no perfect person.

"I have to go V, malapit na mag-umpisa ang una kong subject. See you later nalang." Sabay beso sa kanya bago nagmamadaling umalis. I can''t believe na mukhang malalte pa ako dahil sa pag uusap namin ni Veronica.

"Hey, don't forget my frappoccino later! You made a promise. I will wait you at Starbucks, 4 pm sharp. Sasabunutan talaga kita pag di ka sumipot!" Sigaw ni Veronica. I mentally slapped my head dahil sa ingay na ginawa niya.

Mag a-alas kwatro na nang natapos ang last class ko. Napatingin ako sa relo ko at agad na nagmadaling magligpit nang mga gamit dahil for sure tatalakan na naman ako ni Veronica. And because I'm in a hurry and of course because of my clumsiness I bump into someone that made my books fall into the ground.

I hurriedly said my apology because of my clumsiness but little did I know that, that someone is the one who made me whole at first but end up breaking me into million pieces.

"I-I'm sorry. I didn't see you coming. I could have avoided so you wouldn't get hurt." I was shock that I couldn't think straight. And why do I feel that, what he said has a double meaning? Or it's just me not being able to moved on? Damn it! They say I should move on. But how? When every time I tried to move on I always remember our memories in my room. When I always see him in school. When every time I tried to fucking moved on I always end up hurting myself because I can't let him go.

Tanga. Ako na ang isa mga babaeng nagpapatunay na nagiging tanga tayo pagdating sa pagmamahal. 

 Yung pilit na ipinagpipilitan ang sarili kahit alam mong malabo na maging kayo ulit. lahat ginawa mo para lang maayos ang relasyon niyo, yung lahat kaya mong ibigay sa kanya kahit alam mo na you'll lose yourself along the way. Desperada? Tanga? matalino pero bobo pagdating sa pag-ibig? Oo ako na. Ako na ang desperada't tanga. Ako na ang bobo. Pero masisi niyo ba ako? Nagmahal lang rin naman ako. Nagmahal ng lalaking di naman ako kayang mahalin ng hanggang dulo. Oo na! Isang avid fan kasi ako ng katangahan.

"N-No, I should be the one saying sorry. Hindi ko kasi napansin kasi nagmamadali kasi ako. I-I'm sorry for my clumsiness." Naka tungo kong sabi. I should get out here. This isn't good, I can't let my heart ruled this time. Nagmamadali kong kinuha ang mga librong nagkalat sa sahig at hindi ko sinasadyang nahawakan ang kanyang kamay. Damn it! I shouldn't feel this anymore. Napa tingin ako sa kaniya at pareho kaming nagulat sa nangyari.

"S-Sorry. Thank you but I think kaya ko na." I tried to act natural but I probably looked tensed. Tumayo na ako at ready na sanang umalis nang biglang may mag salita sa aking likod. Judging the voice I already know how it is.

"Raf! Man, what happened?!" Anton said while checking his friend. He didn't notice me at first but since Rafael is looking at me

"Haisley? Are you okay? Sorry kung di kita agad napansin." I half halfheartedly smiled at him. 

"No, it's okay. No need to apologize, it's my fault anyway." I tried to have a casual conversation with them but it seems that I still can't. I really need to get out of here as soon as possible.

"Nabangga ko siya kaya tinulungan ko siya sa mga librong nahulog. I'm really sorry Haisley. I really am." Saan Rafael? Saan ka nga ba talaga nag sosorry? Dahil nabangga mo ako or dahil sinaktan mo ako?

"I'm sorry Haisley but we have to go, we still have a basketball practice to attend. I'm really sorry." Why are you kept saying sorry when I know you don't mean it. Why does it hurt to know that you're with someone else. Why I felt jealous when you are with someone. I know, I shouldn't be jealous, you were never even mine anymore.

Hindi ko na sila hinintay umalis, ako na mismo ang naunang umalis to save my goddamn heart and pride. I ran fast with my teary eyes never minding the people whose looking at me. As soon as I get out the campus, I took a deep breath and smile like never happened.

As soon as I entered the Starbucks, Veronica is really pissed and I know kung wala lang kami sa public place sinigawan na niya ako. Dumeretso na agad ako sa counter at umorder nang paborito naming frap. She opened her mouth ready so shout at me pero inunahan ko na siya.

" I know you're angry at me, and I'm really really sorry for taking so long. Something happened kaya na late talaga ako. And I know that you're pissed so please I'm really sorry. Please!" I beg kasi alam kong di niya talaga ako kakasusapin.

"Whatever, alam mo ba kung anong oras na? I said 4 pm sharp not 4:30 pm. Mygod, and what is your reason this time? Nawala yung bago mong lipstick at hinanap mo pa? Or baka namang you're planning to ditch me pero nakunsensya ka lang?" Yep she's really pissed.

"Of course not. I kinda, umh, bump someone because of my clumsiness." Not sure kung sasabihin ko pa sakanya yung nangyari. Knowing her, baka kung ano na naman ang sabihin nito.

"And whose this someone? For sure di ka malalate nang sobra sobra kung di naman yan importante? "

"Fine. Si Rafael." I said almost whispering.

"Really? It's just Rafael. A guy who just break your heart. Don't tell me just haven't moved on?" What? Wow! Akala niya ba madali lang yun? Damn it! She know naman kung ano ang nagyari dati at kung bakit hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa rin ako maka move-on.

"What? Of course I moved on." I said trying to prove to her I really did moved on. But again, she know me better than anyone else. So, she didn't buy my crap.

"Okay fine. I never and never will be moved on. I still hoping that someday, magiging kami ulit."

"Are you nuts? Really Haisley? Gusto mo bang iuntog kita sa pader para magising ka na sa mga kahibangan mo. Move on girl, he's not gonna love you." Ouch. Really? Kaibigan ko ba talaga ko?

"Correction, he loved me." I said proving my point.

"Yes, he loved you. Sayo na mismo nanggaling. Loved! Past tense. Kaya mag move-on ka na." Vee said while drinking her frapp.

"Don't look at me like that, I'd rather hurt you with the truth than to tolerate your obsession to someone whom I know who hurt and break you into pieces." Damn! That's straight forward. I looked at her with teary eyes.

"Sorry not sorry, Haisley. But that's the reality. I know. Rafael may be your first love and heartbreak but I can see that this isn't healthy to you anymore, Haisley. You're not you anymore. You're not the Charlotte who used to smile despite of the problem. You've lost your self because of him." I know I may be just one of them amongst the million and trillions. I know I may not be significant enough to stand out. Even if they said I should let go. I understand that you'll never be mine and that's fine..... Well, that's a lie. I can never be fine, if you can never be mine.