1 The Sunday: (27th Nov)

I was shitting myself today before meeting Luke today. I'm sat here waiting, the kids are at their dads and I'm having a rare moment of peace… Recently, in quiet moments like these, instead of catching up on housework, exercising, walking the dog or important, grown up things, I've passed the time trying to take the perfect picture for my online dating profile. In fact, I'm slightly embarrassed to admit that I've become quite obsessed with capturing one thats good enough. The problem is the life album of photos I've got to choose from just aren't geared to compliment the modern world of online dating - the pictures of me are either eons of years old and no longer look like I do now, or they've been taken at the park/ zoo/ *insert any family friendly unsexy destination here* with the kids pulling faces in the background, popping two fingers up behind my head and grinning, or, of course, they've been taken with me next to my ex. I was also a bit of a married snob, who thought selfies were for the self absorbed and often ranted and questioned why people no longer took pictures of scenery and had to stick their face in every shot they captured… well I fucking know why now don't I?

Everyone else I'm meant to be squaring shoulders with for attention from eligible handsome single men in the online world have been preparing their dating worthy photos for years! Some wise and worldly person must have slipped this nugget of advice to them at just the right point in their lives so they could encourage the kids to dip out of photos at just the right moment whilst they were skiing, rock climbing, petting a tiger, in a bikini on a yacht, posing balanced atop a beautiful mountain with endless views, dressed to impress for a night out in a classy club or fancy restaurant, smiling provocatively whilst surrounded by friends around a campfire with twinkling lights and someone in the background playing the ukulele, or y'know somewhere amazing and exotic like Timbuktu hanging off the arm of a celebrity… whereas my pictures… well… let's put it this way, as a result of my 'blissfully married at a young age' ignorance I am paying the price dearly. My photos have all been taken post break up, where alone time has been scarce and opportunity marginal at best - funnily enough I haven't managed to find the time recently to escape the kids, take a cruise, pet a tiger, scale a mountain, bathe on a beach or rub shoulders with celebs. Instead, I've been rather preoccupied with being solely responsible for the dishes, work, co-parenting schedules, homework, reading books, cooking, cleaning, changing the beds, mowing the lawn, school runs, parents evenings, bills… you get the picture. My dating pictures therefore have been taken in one of two places - my kitchen or my bathroom - and are far from glamorous or 'showing off my wide range of hobbies, skills and interests to make me seem like an interesting, well travelled, rounded person: AKA - a good catch' as every online dating guru would advise … Saying that, just for shits and giggles I did recently try to take a few in my garden (Hey! someone might think its the wild wilderness - it is getting pretty overgrown!!)

I'm also equally ashamed to admit that, in my quest for the perfect picture, I've been thinking about cheating a little and just taking my phone on a walk somewhere a little more picturesque - just to snap a few shots. Fortunately, I quickly realise how mentally crazy that is - due to my lack of practice over the years, to get even a marginally good selfie I tend to need to take at least 503 photos from every angle imaginable, and, as you could probably well imagine, before you know it quite some time can pass me by without even realising it. At which point, I usually give up, bored shitless (or because its taken so long its dark outside and I look even more horrific without natural light), and I inevitably go with one of the first few pictures I took right at the beginning before I started 'experimenting with weird angles'… So, with so much time needed to capture the 'perfect selfie', out in the wilderness I run the risk of being caught doing this in a public, on my own, in a field or something. Now, how the fuck would I explain that!?! If someone catches me, by myself, makeup a plenty, taking multiple selfies of myself for no apparent reason… I'd quite literally die. Fact. So, for that reason, and a few others like my dignity, pride and self-esteem, I have refrained from doing so - for now. Just about. But if I get desperate… and none of this works out… it might just have to be an option. Wish me luck.

You know, thinking about it, perhaps I'm not alone and others face this problem too - which is why the internet is flooded with weird and wonderful dating pictures!!!! When you think about, nearly every profile, even the ones with tigers being petted, also have at least one picture of them in sunglasses - maybe they are going incognito just in case the neighbours catch them in the field down the road too!!!!, Perhaps some of them, faced with the same challenge as me, have obviously just given up and that's why they have shared pictures of them with their exes, and others, also desperate to spice up their offering, decided to post pictures of just their body, or from themselves but far, far in the distance, or take make it a bit more artsy, just a snap of the back of their head! This totally explains all the weird ones I'd wondered about!!!! The only pics that I just don't think I'll ever understand is the ones of men with a naked chest, pelvis and legs just about covered by their duvet laying in their bed? I mean, WTF, do they really think women will fall for that? Not once have I thought - there's the man of my dreams right there, not once.

Spending so much time alone these past few months, taking selfies and questioning my life choices, has also led to me talking to myself a lot more, y'know just running things over in my head for a 'second' opinion - The only trouble is, this means that I've kinda developed two distinct personalities that I can only describe to you as my 'online self' and my real self.

My 'online self' is totally ready for things like kissing, flirting and dating - she is completely fearless and raring to go, whereas my real self is totally unsure, far from ready, completely clueless and all round shit scared. As a result, my 'online self' often pisses my real self right off.

The biggest arguments with myself tend to happen right before I actually meet with someone. Like now… right now I'm waiting to meet with Luke for the second time - and until now, I've been all like kissy emoji, sweet dreams, you give me butterflies via text - yeh well done online me! Thanks a fucking bunch. You don't have to face the consequences of your hussy behaviour do you? - that kind of shit is just fine when you're all alone behind the safety of your phone screen, miles apart at 10pm at night. So I've discovered, online me is at her most confident whilst sat in my PJs with hairy legs, messy hair and no makeup feeling all snuggled and brave… But, right now, at 10 in the morning, just moments before some real life face to face communication, with my just shaved plucked turkey legs, dodgy unpracticed makeup, fat thighs, farting French Bulldog sat by feet, no filter face and distinct lack of said flirty personality… right now, its not seeming like such a good bloody idea is it?

My online self has retreated a bit in this moment. She's stepped back a little, but is still there in the background grinning like the crazy, wise Cheshire Cat she thinks she is, watching the emotional turmoil unfold with glee. It's like she is saying - "You'll never get over it if you don't kiss someone, I'm just pushing you in the right direction' - well fuck you me in my head - its not you that actually has to kiss someone when you're petrified is it? What if I've forgotten how to kiss - what if we bash teeth, what if its rubbish, if I forget to breath or if I make a weird noise?… or worse, all this bloody nonsense build up I've created what if… I fucking cry! Hot damn. Please just put me out of my misery… If I lived in America and could just go to a million kissing booths, get all these nerves out of my system, kiss a million strangers, and the world will just feel less daunting again. 'Until it moves onto the first time in the bedroom…' she taunts. Fuck off online me, just Fuck. Right. Off.

Maybe I should cancel, I mean, I don't need to this… I'm happy on my own, this is hardly enjoyable is it? Quite frankly its fucking scary. Anyway, being a spinsters not so bad - I've already decided on dogs instead of cats. I much prefer dogs. Crazy old dog lady has a better ring to it anyway!

Then… my phone pings. It's Luke… "just leaving".

Fuck!

Maybe I could text back and tell him "Sorry my uncle John is flying over from Jamaica today! Totally gutted, would have been amazing 😘."

Maybe I'm just not ready for this dating lark - I need a couple of years off ideally - to lose weight, buy a bikini, travel the world a bit - master the art of childfree photography, climb a few mountains, go skiing, meet a few tigers - y'know get my dating profile up to scratch…