50 I Wanted You To Look At Me Even At My Lowest State

Shouko had seen their wedding photos in the home library. It was a grand wedding, held almost a year after their marriage. In the album, she could see important faces who came to bless their wedding.

An exquisite wedding dress that she had never imagined to wear adorned her figure. In all of the photos, she was smiling with twinkles in her eyes whenever she looked at the man beside her. The man did the same.

Kyoya smiled and laughed at her. His sharp facial features softened every time he looked at her. His eyes would always linger on her face. In the photos which showed she was talking to another guest, his eyes only bore on her with a smile so wide graced his handsome face.

"You know, it's frustrating to only see our wedding photos but I couldn't even remember the happiness I felt at that time," Shouko honestly voicing out what was bothering her. Her eyes dimmed, she hung her head low. "Since young, I'd always pictured my own wedding whenever I read the fairytale books... ours was so beautiful, like the one I've seen in them. I was one of the main characters but... nothing came to my mind."

The first time she looked at the wedding photos, she couldn't help but feel a bottomless void inside her heart. It was clear that their wedding was a blissful one yet it felt so foreign to her.

Kyoya let her poured her heart out. He lowered down his hand from her shoulders, went to her waist and gently embraced her. His calloused hand lightly patted her head.

When he spoke, his voice sounded so clear and calm as the surface of the lake, in contrast to the small ripples disturbing his heart.

"Our wedding was beautiful and many people came to bless us," Kyoya placed one palm over her cheek, slowly lifting up her chin until their gaze was locked together. "You were the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. I have fallen in love all over again with you. I loved everything I have seen that day, especially the way you smiled at me."

Even until now, the image of her smiling so softly with her eyes glimmered with pure happiness was still vivid in his mind. In the large wedding hall filled with glorious decorations and countless guests, he could only see her.

Shouko chewed her lower lip. She understood that he was trying to cheer her up. She laughed but it sounded so bitter.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to ruin our happy time," She forced herself to smile. She felt guilty when she thought back of the night when they began to open their hearts to each other.

This man already his share of sorrow. Why must she add to his suffering?

Kyoya rose the corners of his lips. This lady was still guarding her heart tight, afraid to let people see the grievances she kept inside.

But, it was okay. He could wait patiently for her.

"Shouko, you could have your fear but I hope bit by bit, you'd learn to let it go. I would do the same with mine. We could return back to how we used to be, I promise."

Hearing the determination in his words, her heartbeat turned faster.

Under the night sky full of twinkling stars, his resolute gaze appeared more blazing than the amber glow of the campfire. Little by little, the restlessness within her dissipated.

Shouko nodded, her self-mockery smile slowly softened to a much sincere one.

"En."

Kyoya let out a chuckle. As much as he didn't mind her to show him her weakened state, he still loved to see her smiling the most.

"It's late, let's rest," Kyoya led her toward the tent. Shouko hummed as a response.

They changed their clothes and nestled in their sleeping bags. They should be exhausted after a tiring day yet none of them felt sleepy. Kyoya opened the roof of the tent, revealing the stars and moon hanging on the sky.

As he was quietly enjoying the night view, a soft laugh echoed beside him.

Kyoya turned his head toward the pleasant sound. What met his gaze was a pair of fluttering eyelashes. His lips curved upward. "What made you laughed?"

Shouko looked back at him. He was so close to her. Under the soft moonlight, he appeared so dreamy, like the prince charming riding on his majestic white horse that she often saw in the princess' books.

The warmth of his breath fell on her face, sending along with the minty scent that belonged to him.

She had grown familiar with the scent.

"Many things happened during our trip here," Shouko turned around, laying on her side as she smiled at him. "I can't believe I feel much closer to you than before. When we were in the mansion, I could feel how careful you were whenever you were with me, as if you're afraid of something."

The tranquility brought by the silent night in the small tent was different from the peace she felt at the time they sat in the lounge while confessing their fear to each other the other night. She began recalling a lot of the small things she had kept within her.

Instead of continued hiding them, she wanted to tell him.

Kyoya listened to her words one by one. Her eyes were so beautiful, he thought in the fleeting moment. His thin lips parted, slowly throwing out words.

"What do you think of me now?"

"You want to know?" Shouko rose her brows, her voice carried a hint of teasing.

Kyoya silently nodded his head. Anticipation slowly became evident through the way he locked his eyes with her. He almost didn't breathe, afraid to miss even a word coming out from her lips.

Shouko rearranged the words she wanted to say in her mind. There was so much she wanted to tell him.

"Whenever you were being careful with me, I'd always think that you behaved that way because I suddenly became unfamiliar with you or because you have another reason. I even suspect that you hid something from me. The first time I caught you sleeping on the couch, I realized that although you appeared formidable and omnipotent to people outside, you're still a fragile human."

"I was actually glad to catch you sneaking in my room every night. If you kept on being secretive, how much longer would you have to suffer in silence?"

Shouko paused, thought it over for a minute before she suddenly asked him another question, "Kyoya, every time you came to sleep on the couch, did you never think that I would wake up in the middle of the night and found you?"

Kyoya wasn't surprised to hear her question. It would be weird if either she or he didn't think of the possibility.

"I did," He answered honestly. His palm landed on her head as he gently brushed her bangs away from her forehead. "I would be lying if I said I haven't thought of it but, I continued doing that."

"Why?" While her voice was so soft as he uttered out the word, she was trying hard to hold back her tears.

She somehow could foresee what was his answer.

Kyoya reached out for both of her hands. His thumb lightly caressed the diamond of her wedding ring. After another passage of time, he answered.

"Maybe, I wanted you to look at me even at my lowest state."

Shouko silently hear his confession. His face was calm but his eyes held an indiscernible trace of sadness in them.

She couldn't imagine the struggle he had with himself. He was torn between his fear of her looking at him with contempt once she found out and his desire to have his weak side acknowledged by her.

It was a hard decision to be made by a man who loved a woman so much. Nobody wanted the one who he held dear in his heart to view him as someone detestable and pitiful.

A man as good as him, how could I not fall in love with him?

Shouko thought of her past self who once lived being loved and treasured by this man. It was laughable but she started feeling jealous of her past self.

How much happiness had she felt at that time?

Shouko pulled her hands away from his. She placed her small palms at each side of his face. Her eyes traced every emotion she could see in his dark ones.

They were so clear, like the lake outside.

"Kyoya?"

"En?" Kyoya rose his brows. He was still looking intently to the woman lying beside him. He let the warmth of her palms seeped through his skin.

Shouko smiled again, her eyes curved into the shape of crescent moons. Her lips parted a little.

"Do you want to kiss me?"

Her question caught him off guard. His eyes widened in surprise. He tried to see if his ears were playing a joke on him but her calm smile and the way her eyes softened at the sight of him panicking made him realized it was real.

Kyoya reached out for her shoulders. He didn't dare to close his eyes as he leaned down over her. In a moment, he gently captured her lips.

Another tiny seed of warmth and happiness sprouted in his heart.