volume forty nine

I knew that was going to be her response. so I have to go out and train, I don't know how to do that though. do I go out in the woods saying random bullshit until I get better at it?!, or do I swing these weapons tell my blood covered the handles?!. fuck Darkouls he tells me I have powers, he doesn't tell me what I can do with these powers. I follow him into this unknown woods and find a weapon that his previous owners once welded, all of sudden I have to train for a full year. it's not like I can do a lot in a single year, it takes years for people to master their weapons. he just gave me a fucking year. telling me that's should be plenty of time, for me to get the strength I need to save the others. why can't I just go back with Steve?!, I enjoyed that peaceful life sure I wasn't trying to come back for the others. the others wanted me to live a life, the life I'm living now is being haunted by the others. I don't want to see them anymore, a whole year for seeing them. blaming me for the acts that were done to them. acting like it wasn't done to me, I didn't have to act like a showoff to the Auos. I've done it so they wouldn't suffer like I did, I want to cry so bad. I know crying isn't going to change what has been done to me, I'm tired of pissing myself while I'm sleeping. After two weeks of being with Steve I was given a roll of tape to shut my mouth during my sleep. I couldn't bear the sounds of my screams, I didn't want to put the tape on. it was the best option for them I did it cause even the sound of my voice through the years of my life has scared me. that's what Happens when your purity is stripped from you, how dare that girl at like I wanted to be the hero. I never wanted this hell I just didn't want them to be as much fucked as I am, even when I helped the others with all I could do it wasn't enough. in this world I have a chance to make it right to take down my childhood home, rescue as many as I can. to make up for me abandoning them for the past two years, I'm willing to sacrifice everything to do so. they probably couldn't even recognize me by the way I'm looking right now, the only thing they could recognize is the branded Number. hold up I know why Jim, and this woman don't believe my story it's not because of the brand. cause they were probably told that he was just an ordinary child, with no Pacific details. while wouldn't I have any Pacific details seeing how I'm suppose to be died. I went to talk back with the woman she had been long gone, it must have been hours since talking with her. Cricket's sounds are being made off in the woods, I don't feel tired. This is my time to go train off somewhere, I headed off in the deep woods. a humongous tree faces my path towards my training, I decided to pull out the weapons. I started slinging the weapons around and nothing was happening, huh I don't understand why nothing is happening. I don't want to ask Darkouls for help seeing how he really hasn't helped me so far. after hours of trying to cut the tree bruises started forming on my hands, causing me agony. fuck it nothing is working how come I killed that mixed breed animal, the fucking tree doesn't even have a scratch on it. so how aim I suppose to fight or save them if I can't even cut a fucking tree. I continued to switch the weapon for hours but there was still nothing happening to the tree, maybe she was right I was never meant to be a hero. The heroes save people all I have done so far is let the people who saved me perish. I can't think like that anymore this is my chance to change that, this kingdom. it needs a Hero to bring forth the right morals back to life. I'm glad I'm finally doing something that can lead to my redemption for the others,even though there is a huge possibility they are all gone. I'll have to wait until it is time for me to ask if Jim, is willing to help me on my journey. he doesn't seem to be bothered by my story why would he I'm just another Adventurer to him, another soul on the brisk of being lost. I've been lost for years, believing in hope. while the others used me as their hope, I need hope in my life. something that can keep me going, something that can surprise all the damages I've been dealing with. That will never happen my life never had meaning to it. I forged the idea that I had to be rough for others even though I was soft, constantly being used as some kind of Lab rat. once they figure out that I'm that child from the myth will they kill me on the spot,or they embrace the misfortune I've been dealt with. I'm hoping for the killing, I can't stand the touch of another person. I know it will never be real in my mind after those years of rotting my brain. I've been dramatized by any kind of sympathy towards me, hugs scare me. a simple wave of goodbye is more terrifying than lashing from a whip, I think cause I never truly embraced any heartfelt emotions before. I mean that's why I think I would want to hold on to those memories of the two years I've spent with Steve. but sadly I can't remember those memories too well.