11 Chapter 11: Who are you? Who are you?

It was hard to face those words already. It was harder to begin attempting to figure out exactly what was meant by it. I interrupted my free-falling thoughts with speech.

"I have...changed? What do you mean, Gaius?"

"You are not the same Lu I knew. Just a month away..."

Again, this was simply Gaius repeating himself.

"And what is that supposed to mean?"

"What it means is that you have grown, I suppose. You're not a simple girl who wishes for the calm life we could have had anymore."

"Gaius..."

"Lu."

"Are you saying...you do not want this life? To live like a King? As THE King?"

Disbelief. That was the emotion that rose to the top. Assumptions were being made in my head, conclusions that I was leaping to without having heard the rest of what my love had to say, but I was certain there was only one conclusion it could lead to.

"Lutum, my love."

Using my whole name rather than just 'Lu' was always a red flag when it came to what Gaius was about to say with me. That was how he addressed me whenever we had our very rare fights. I suppose it should have been clear we had come to one of those rare events once again. He continued despite my internal protests and hurt.

"We have been together for many, many years. We have barely been apart from each other, and come to know each other as one."

I was beginning to tire of this drawn-out poetry. In wake of that, I began to grow more impatient than usual.

"Gaius please, get to the point dear."

"What I am saying is this is the first big change we've had to deal with. Perhaps we aren't ready to take it on together."

"Gaius."

"Yes?"

"I had not taken you for such a fool. Perhaps a little air-headed at times, clumsy. But not stupid."

"Lutum-"

I had to interrupt him. I could feel my face turning a bright red in a cruel mix of anger and sadness. Just as he told me I was not the Lutum he remembered, this was certainly not my Gaius. Not the same man I spent my entire life in love with, enchanted by.

"Gaius, dear." I interrupted, with more venom in my tone than I had ever expected when speaking with Gaius. "You can tell me this is the first 'big change' we have experienced together, discounting some things I would also consider to be big changes, such as our first experiences in helping family businesses, even simply growing to maturity."

"What is your point, your Majesty?"

I was almost speechless. Gaius was never this cold. There must be something more. He almost sounded cruel. This was definitely odd. Did somebody get into his head with these strange ideas...?

"My point dear, is that we have not faced this hurdle yet. We can-no, we will get over it and make it work! We cannot run and surrender before we have given it our all!"

"But...just a month or so apart, and already we are so different. Is that not clear enough to show how much bigger of a hurdle this is?"

"Gaius, please...I had already missed you. I do not know if my heart can take you saying such things."

"Lu...I do love you, but..."

"But? What is there that needs to be said other than that? If it is true, we can make it work, can we not?"

Gaius simply shook his head. It seems that I had rendered him speechless. This was not what either of us wanted. It was evidently clear that we were struggling to even face each other as we said our pieces.

"Gaius...I really hope you are not saying what I think you are trying to."

"Lu-Your Majesty...with things like this, I don't know if we can...if we should keep seeing each other, as we were."

"Gaius..."

Every word was like another dagger through my heart. Ice cold and painful to the point it felt as if I were being torn apart, piece by piece.

"Your Majesty, I think it is best if we...do not continue as we were."

I did not have to check a mirror to know how dishevelled I was becoming as tears soaked my face and my hair fell down as I violently shook my head no. It was truly a sight unbefitting of a Queen, I am sure.

"May we...still see each other? Even if just as friends of each other's?"

"I...I don't know."

The uncertainty was the most painful part of everything that had been said. I knew know that I would always cling to that hope, that small glimmer of hope that Gaius would run back having changed his mind. Despite that, the range of emotions I felt at this moment was overwhelming. Anger, sadness, guilt, disbelief, shock all mixed into one cauldron of mixed feelings. One took over as I stood up straight, despite my dishevelled state. I could feel the boom of my voice as I finally found a modicum of confidence once again.

"Leave this Palace, NOW! That is an order, from Your Queen!"

It did not take long for Gaius to respond, calmly making his way out, thanking everyone he passed for his stay here. I could not understand. Why did I have to send him away like this? Even in this moment, he was calmer than I had ever expected, so different...but he was still so sweet. It really was not fair. Not at all. What happened to my love?

After Gaius had left my sight, I sprinted as if my life were on the line to my chambers. I did not need to check to know that Adoria was right behind me the entire time, standing guard at my door as if it were business as usual.

Several knocks came at my door, but I gave no response. Some response for the Queen, I know. As I wept, I fell back down into the pit of despair I found myself in too often as of late. Angered by what had just occurred, I had thrown myself onto the bed face down, buried in to my pillow.

A dark hole swallowed me up and I was falling. I tried to scream, but no sound would escape my lips. Everything around me was dark and impossible to see. My arms were outstretched, but there was no-one reaching out to save me. I was still falling. I could feel my hair floating past up above me, but I felt no high speed as I fell. It was a gradual process. What began as a sudden, fast travel down gradually slowed to almost a halt, continuing to go further and further down. I was not sure where I had fallen from, nor where I was falling. As I slowed down, I could hear a gentle thumping. Thump. Thump. Thump. Again. Thump. Thump. Thump. It took me longer than I would like to admit to come to the realisation that it was my own heart I could hear. The sound of it calming down.

As my heart came to a calm once again, I saw a figure I had only seen one other time in my life. The day I learned that Queen Dahlia was abdicating her position. She was clearer this time. A beautiful woman, with her hair pulled into a tight bun. She was clearer this time. No longer simply the shape of a green mystery, the woman's dark skin, bearing tattoos and markings that I recognised as symbols of life and balance had a beauty that was captivating. Though it had been dark as I was falling, it was if the world had lit up when she came into view. A simple brown robe was all that she wore this time. As simple and dull as the earth, yet all the natural beauty the world held when it was worn on her. It was as if I was in the presence of a god. Her lean, athletic figure only aided the image of her grace and beauty.

The woman smiled at me, cupping my cheek gently with her hand, tilting my chin to look up at her. We were not falling anymore.

I tried to move away, to get some space and felt that I failed to do so much as lifting a finger.

I felt as if I understood as I looked up at this natural beauty once more.

"Eden?"

That elicited only a cheerful giggle and a shaking of her head.

"No, my child."

"Then...?" I pondered. If it was not Eden, who else could this be? It had become clear to me this was a dream of some sort by now. Perhaps another kind of caster? No, there had to be something I was missing.

I spent a good minute wracking my mind, desperately searching for the answer.

"You're..." I started.

"I'm..." The beauty said along with me.

We spoke in unison in the end.

"The Great Oak."