1 The Newest Testament, the First and Potentially Last Chapter of the New and Improved Bible

In the beginning there were two monkeys. Not in a bad way, they were literally tree climbing monkeys. They were both of different sexes, and therefore were able to do the Bunga Bunga, though this does not discriminate against the more eccentric and flamboyant monkeys. They lived in heaven with Big G(God's street name), who kicked them out, after they threw a large volume of fecal matter at him, as monkeys do. So, God sent them down to Mars, where they evolved into hyper-intelligent monkeys, with a highly technologically advanced society. Eventually, these monkeys evolved to the point where they discovered space travel, and brought their species to Earth, where resources were abundant.

So abundant were the resources that all their needs were met, and they devolved into a bunch of stupid and hairless apes called 'Humans'. And first, this set of destructive and geocoding animals started out with somewhere around 32 people(We're not sure, Big G isn't much of a a math guy): and their names were thus: Charles, John, Mohammed, Bill, Michael, Jesus, Quagmire, Quinn, Pikachu, George. Jimmy, Thomas, Quagmire the Second, Luke, Teresa, Timothy, Sophia, Largon the Terrible, Poopybuttface93, Rai, Joe Biden, Chubakka, Jacobinius Pattonus, Adam, Eve, Steve, Jimmythius, Rick, Sick, Blick, Nick and Tom. And on the first day it was too hot and so Luke died. He was kinda pathetic. And with the death of Luke(Everyone hated that guy) came the birth of hell. And Luke was punished for his crimes of not geocoding even when he was peer pressured to and probably witchcraft or something. There, he was made to endure five trillion years of molten snickers bars poured down his throat. Of course, the year being 9 BC snickers was not yet invented and so not only did he have to endure molten lava down his throat the true torture was unclear branding.

 With the creation of hell came the creation of anime. Anime was a new religion created by the devil. And, within his haven the religion grew. His followers went by the name of 'Nico Nico Nee', however that has too many syllables so we usually just call them "Weebs," and while this bible has no problem with most major religions, anime was a big no-no. If there is anything in the future that you dislike, it is encouraged that you blame it on anime and their gods. Some examples of gods to blame for bad occurrences are: Naruto, Light Yagami, the protagonist of My Hero Academia and Eren Yaegar.

If you do meet any of these disgusting weebs or any of the followers of anime it is encouraged that you enslave them, cut off their hands or play your SoundCloud mixtape for them. If you do have a SoundCloud playlist make sure to send it to god so that they can play it for the sinners in hell.

Boom - Er

Charles and John were walking along the desert in search of food and the devil spoke to Charles. The Devil spoke thus: "Kill John." And so Charles killed John. However murder is bad and most deserts are too long to traverse by foot and so Charles died of thirst and went to hell. John went to hell too but not because he was murdered, he just got a slight bit rapey in his spare time. 

We interrupt this program to bring you the following message. Hold onto your seats for an opinion about homosexuals from yours truly: God.

They're alright--, Pretty gay though. 

Now, let's continue with the scheduled programming. 

Moses was the adopted child of the two gay lovers, Rick and Nick. Moses was the first woman in the universe to choose not to stay in the home and marry. Mainly because she was born before homes existed since people lived in caves back then or something. And in her singleness, Moses invented wine, jokes about wine, and the ability to part wine using her mind. This is not a stereotype about single women. She just worked in the first ever winery and so was very proud of her creation. Also, technically speaking, Moses was the first drug dealer in history. However, we are going to spin that as a good thing because she is the only major female character, and she needs at least one redeeming trait. We would like to reiterate that women are completely equal to men in every way shape and form. The one exception being Amy Schumer who is a superior, ascended being that no longer requires a physical form. The fact that she continues to grace our presence with her incredible and awe inspiring humour is a blessing to every mortal being in the universe. If anything good ever happens to you, we would like you to blame it not only on this book but on the universe's hero, Amy Schumer. 

Segway

And now a one and a half page long metaphor about having a wank:

Jesus and his son, Bob, had domesticated horses and so were taking the six month journey from the capital of humanity, Texas, to Jerusalem. Jesus would have to say goodbye to his wife Sophia and Bob would have to say goodbye to his lil shawty, Kristine.

The father and so knew that they would need to prepare for the journey and so they took with them dried meat and fruit. However, this was not enough to sate their incredibly ravenous hunger and so they brought weapons to hunt as well.

The two started in high spirits, ready to find new land and bring life to it if it were fertile. Excited, The two spent their days hopeful of things to come. And, in their journey there was not a moment of boredom. They passed beautiful forests and fields of flowers. Luckily, While they did soon run out of food, animals were plentiful and so neither went hungry for very long. 

However, the journey being a total sausage fest, it did not take long for both Jesus and his some to realize there was a problem. There were no maidens.

 Once this realization kicked in it began to grow, first slowly then rapidly. Both Jesus and his son were thirsty, not for water, as that was plentiful but for big hot mommy milkers. For any cute shawty, big or small. But not too small, we don't condone pedophilia. 

As these desires grew, the two men began to itch. They knew that if they only held out for these few months, they would be allowed to see their girls once more. But this did not make their abstinence any more bearable. 

As the days went by, nobody knew what to do about this feeling and so it continued to linger. All the way up until the halfway mark. Jesus and his son had reached Jerusalem. However, the kingdom of Jerusalem was already a kingdom, a kingdom of the Weebs.

 Jesus and his son were unaware of the fanservice that plagued the culture of the Nico Nico Nee and so like all humans should when introduced to a new culture, Jesus and Bob trusted them. 

They told the Weebs of their pain and they knew just how to help. The Weebs were experts in being unable to find lovers and so they too were experts in the feelings of Jesus and Bob. And when Jesus and Bob went to the doctor to learn of their sickness, the doctor had seen the problem before. For their journey home, Jesus and Bob were sent with the cure to their problem. A long magical stick. The doctor said that if they rubbed the stick, the feeling would go away and so they did.

 For the first whole day on their journey to return home, Jesus and his son rubbed this stick with all their might. Sadly, the stick did not have any magical powers. Magic comes from the gods and those who worship anime are a godless race. Still, desperate to be able to satiate themselves, Jesus and Bob rubbed the stick.

 They rubbed the stick for such long hours that despite food and water being plentiful, they did not hunt and they did not drink. Soon they even stopped riding their horses, taking longer and longer stops simply to rub the stick. 

One day, they rubbed the stick so hard that a thick sap began spewing out the end. And for only a few seconds, Jesus experienced true clarity. Thankfully, these few seconds were enough. Jesus was able to see that they needed to go home and so he threw away the stick. Dragging Bob from it as he clawed for it in desperation. Eventually, they managed to get back on the trail home. Fighting their urges through sheer will until the final day of their journey.

 However, during the final day, Bob was hunting deer for food so they would be able to bring their family something to eat. On the ground Bob saw a stick. Ultimately, Bob knew that the stick was dangerous. Bob was not unaware of the sinful things it caused him and his father to do. However, as Jesus was given a moment of clarity, Bob experienced a moment of blindness. In his hornyness he picked up the stick and began to rub it. He rubbed so hard, so vigorously and for so long that he forgot he was hunting deer. The only thing in his mind was the stick. After several hours, Jesus came looking for Bob, and found him. Asleep and clutching a stick with all his might. At first Jesus did not see this object of sin. But, as he picked Bob up ready to have the horses carry them home, Jesus too saw the stick and immediately began to well up with desire.

 He quietly placed the stick in his pocket and rode all the way home to the cave of their family.

Upon return, Jesus greeted his wife Sophia, and Bob greeted his girl Kristine. Jesus and Bob spoke of their journey, leaving out the stick, until their throats were sore. 

After many hours of conversation the family decided to find something to eat. Excited to be hunting for more than two, Bob eagerly volunteered. This time, Bob was not distracted and so brought back a feast of rabbit and deer. The family invented fire to cook the food and then ate until their stomachs were full. Exhausted from the long day, Jesus decided it was time to go to bed. 

However, Jesus' wife, Sophia, did not want to sleep. In the terms of the ancients, Sophia wanted to Bunga Bunga. Upon hearing this however, Jesus declined. All he wished to do was rub his stick. So that is what he did. For the rest of his life. Eventually, tired of tending to Jesus' broken mind and desperately desiring the Bunga Bunga, Sophia left for another man leaving Jesus alone with his stick. And that was the way Jesus died, Alone, clutching his precious stick, trying to fulfil a desire that would never be fulfilled. 

Bob, however, grew up to be the first pimp and had so many kids that, while this religion is unsure that we are all God's children, we know there is a good chance that we are all Bob's.

Also, don't worry about Jesus' death, that's not permanent. 

The creation of the universe:

On the first day of Big G's birth he learned English. On the second day, Big G discovered he was omnipotent, later that day Big G said, "Let there be universe." and there was universe. That's about it. Ever since then he's just been chilling. Stay holy and peace.

The creation of the universe part 2:

Ayo, wassup, god here. Just wanna let y'all know I am so high on ambrosia right now and I'm like 93% sure y'all are a hallucination. You've got like 90 years before the high wears off completely so y'know, enjoy having consciousness and sorry for making you exist.

P.S: If you're wondering why the last 2 passages contradict each other, then clearly you've never read a bible before. 

The Noah Arc: Noah's Ark

When humans discovered poetry, god thought that it was dumb ahh' hell and so punished the world by unleashing an unstoppable tide of water that engulfed all land on earth for 255 days and 255 nights, because that was the integer limit. He couldn't set the amount of days any higher. 

However, God didn't want to lose all of his progress and so chose two animals of each species and put them on the USS Nimitz. A ship that was later copied by Americans. They were all straight men and women. Not to discriminate against gays but because they needed to repopulate the planet. After all, god doesn't want a mass extinction event until 2024. And because they needed to reproduce, thus, began the greatest orgy in the history of the universe. The two humans who boarded this ship were named Alice Longbottom and Noah Playboy. Noah Playboy would later grow up to create the very successful company: Quaker oats. The grotesque beauty of this orgy can only be described in poem:

Animals and man

Could not tell which is which

and in their confusion

came the birth of the platypus

So, Noah and Alice, together repopulated the earth. And, while Noah did not manage to achieve heaven. Lord knows he managed to get a lot of street cred in hell. Such is the story of Notorious N.O.A.H. It's not an acronym; he just thinks the dots look cool.

IMPORTANT:

And now a message from the writer of this bible. Big G has told me to give a shoutout to Ajdin from Bosnia. Ajdin, you are God's favourite human. Please make sure to stop off at heaven when you die in order to pick up your complimentary gift basket.

Lazarus Q and A:

Q: So, Mr. Lazarus, what were you doing during the four days you were dead?

A: Ugghhhh brainsss (arm falls off)

Q:Do you think it was ethically right to bring you back from the dead without your consent? How do you think this reflects on the moral implications of bringing back someone from the dead in today's society?

A: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr (Bites shoulder of interviewer)

Q: Can you tell us, Lazarus, is there an afterlife?

A: (Light shines out of mouth and eyes, starts floating, implodes.)

Insert Title Here

Sodom and Gomorrah were the first League of Legends players. Just look them up for the punchline, alright. I'm so tired of having to explain and water down every goddamn joke for you uneducated plebeians. I don't care, I'm not explaining it. Lick my holy spirit you insufferable muskrats. Bible writer, out. 

The Portion Of The Bible Where You're Not Sure, But You Think The Writer Is Advocating For Slavery:

Carlos and his countryman, Jesus, Jesus got reincarnated because we said we would do that, were traveling along the dunes of Egypt, bringing the teachings of god to nearby villages 

As Carlos walked, he said to himself, "Golly gee, I sure do love having slaves. They're pretty great. I am completely incapable of imagining a world without them. That's why I'm certain that slavery will never be seen as terrible, evil and inhumane in the future. That's why all my friends call me slavery man. Because there's nothing better than a good bit of slavery."

Upon hearing this, Jesus Christ spoke their own name (Jesus is trans now) and then continued to drag their malnourished body across the burning sand. 

After many hours, Carlos and Jesus reached the first town. In preparation for a long day, Carlos rented a small, one person room in the local inn. 

Upon entering the inn, Carlos, unable to contain himself, said to the innkeeper, "Goodness gracious me, look at how great slavery is. Slavery is the best. Not only do I get a servant, I also don't even have to rent a room for them. Look at Jesus, by the way, that's their name, I can make them sleep in a stable or on the street. Whoopee, I love slavery so much. I want to be a slaver for the rest of my life." 

The innkeeper also spoke Jesus Christ's name. However, because Carlos was rich, the innkeeper still gave him a room. In the morning, Carlos awoke and grabbed Jesus in order to spread the word of god.

 The two of them rushed to the centre of the square where Carlos consulted with the mayor asking "Hey, can we give a speech about our god in the middle of your town, also I love slavery."

The mayor, in response, said "Oh me, oh my, I love slavery too. Why, sure you can give a speech about your god, fellow slave enthusiast. Think of it as a gift from slavery lover to slavery lover."

 However, before Carlos could give his speech, a pack of wild hyenas attacked and ripped both him and his slave limb from limb. 

And so, Jesus went to heaven, because he reminded Big G of a character from his favourite book; and Carlos, ironically, had a lot of fun in hell. Turns out, a lot of hell's residents have similar passions. 

Big G's Ten Pieces of Advice:

1: Hell naw I ain't making 10 of these. I don't care what y'all do.

2: I said stop asking me for Commandments. 

3: Look at it this way. Do you try to dictate the way ant's live their lives, or do you just kill them when they get in your way?

4: Y'all only need one commandment: leave me the hell alone. 

5: What if I said something like: "Racism is good"? Would y'all just mindless believe me?

6: What do you mean "Yes"?

7: You ask me for one more commandment, and I will go back in time, and make it so your universe never existed. Do you understand?

8: Okay, it's the writer of the bible making these now. Don't be racist.

9: Try not to genocide, even if you really want to.

10: And, for the love of Big G, please don't piss him off.

The first human to discover thought was not Aristotle or Socrates. Those were simply the first to think of putting it on paper. The first to discover thought, aside from our lord Big G, was a young Tibetan man named Gaylord. He was the great great grandson of Poopybuttface93 and was named after his adopted father Extremely GayLord who later married a man named "Man Who Is Going To Marry Extremely GayLord". Gaylords two dads were deeply in love, they believed fate had brought them together. Which was probably true since they had been given these names at birth. Gaylord, however, was completely Asexual. That being said, there was one thing he truly loved: LSD. 

He would spend his days tripping and, when his parents decided he should get a job. He was heavily concerned, he knew being employed meant that would have to do less acid. And so after many nights of thinking and research, Gaylord discovered a job where he could help the world while also taking excess amounts of psychedelics: philosopher.

This bible has deemed it important to remember the riveting life of Gaylord, he answered many of history's most asked questions such as: "Where do babies come from?", "What would happen if I chugged an entire barrel of whiskey?" and, "Are there only 365 birthdays or can there be more?" He later used this work in order to derive the birthday equation Energy = mass*speed of light^2 or E=mc^2. Sadly, because he did not patent this equation it was later stolen by a short and hairy German man named Albert. You might wonder what that equation has to do with birthdays. Gaylord also wondered that and actually wrote his following paper on the subject. 

Needless to say, Gaylord was a phenomenal thinker. However, the story of his greatest discovery: Thinking; occurred on his 28th birthday, the year of his tragic death. Gaylord was approached by a group of frogs wearing dark cloaks. They probably weren't really frogs, Gaylord was pretty high. Anyways, these amphibious cultists had discovered a drug so phenomenal that you can't even read its name without getting high. Its name was oh, looks like your eyes skipped over it. Probably because you couldn't handle its potency. Nerd. Anyhow, upon hearing of this, Gaylord steeled his mind and readied his soul before deciding to experience the high of his life.

He walked up to the frogs and asked for the drug, the frogs just gave it to him for some reason, no payment or anything. Gaylord then grabbed the drug, held it in his hand and then swallowed it. In the first moments after, there was nothing, Gaylord waited expectantly but became disappointed at the lack of high. He then exclaimed to the frogs: "This edible ain't-" Gaylord then experienced true oneness with the universe. And in his separation from his own mind, he discovered what the human mind truly was. In the intense tripping, Gaylord wrote three facts that he now knew were indisputable truths about Humanity:

Life is built around ideas, the voice in our head that dictates our words and creates these ideas is the only thing that can truly define who we are. That voice is known as thought.

The only true way to find yourself is to look within. You should probably try Thailand first though.

Noses are weird. 

Shortly after, Gaylord died an extremely painful death due to organ failure, a side effect of the drug. The lesson that can be learned from Gaylords life, for those of you who are incapable of reading subtext, is don't take free drugs, especially from frogs. And because Gaylord discovered thought, we can ask the question: what in the world was he thinking. 

A Message from Big G:

Yo humans, how it be? Y'all keep asking me why I let so many people suffer. In reality, the death and agony in the world is meant to prepare you. In 45 years a terrible alien species with power that nearly exceeds mine will attack the earth and as much as I hate to admit it, humanity is my only hope. But a humanity that has been sheltered from suffering will have no chance of survival. That's why I keep sending subliminal messages to your governments to get them to stockpile nukes. That's why I need to strengthen your minds, body's and spirits. That's why I need not only your weapons but your strong and resilient human spirits. So, the next time something bad happens to you on earth, know that God is helping you, testing you and readying you. And that no matter how much it pains me, there is no other choice that leaves a glimmer of hope for earth's survival. Nah, I'm kiddin, I just like watching you squirm. There's your answer. Now, stop asking me or I'll unleash a plague. Big G out.

Water into Wine

Back in DC(During Christ), Big G's quote: "Main man" Jesus Christ was at this party. And Big G really has no problem giving out miracles for no reason. So, this Jesus guy had drinks with him and, after they discovered they liked watching the same gladiator "Judas", Big G offered Jesus one wish. Jesus, later in an interview with Jimmy Falon, said he had it down to three options: world peace, Armageddon, or more wine. I feel as though, through inference, you can tell which option he selected. Jesus spent the rest of his days drinking and watching Judas rip the heads off of endangered animals. To end, Big G has requested that I include this message: "Sup y'all, it's B to the I to the double G here. I don't want y'all mistaking this playa for Stick Jesus or Slave Jesus. Okay? This is Cool Jesus, he's completely different. I won't have y'all dissing my homie"

The Birth of Jesus:

Really? You guys want to hear about this? Alright. Well, when a man and a woman love each other very much, they… Y'know-um… A pelican- no… was it a stork? Anyways, they hold hands- the birds and the bees. I give up. They have sex. Alright? Are you happy? Now what's going to happen to all those impressionable young kids reading this. How is the great religion supposed to get young followers now? YOU WANT SPECIFICS? Absolutely not, Jesus's parents were kinky as hell. Coincidentally, that's where I'll go if I start telling you about them. I refuse. Jesus's parents were both virgins. That's what I'm going with. Yeah.. Mary and, whatever the guy's name is, loved each other and god made a baby from nothing. Yeah! How about that? Just write that last part down, not the whole thing, okay? 

P.S: Big G here. This is only half right, Joseph is a virgin, Mary is not. Also, Jesus was chill with me doing his mom, I love that guy. 

Dear Writers of the original Bible

I told myself I wasn't going to write anything for this God-forsaken bible but there is one thing I need y'all to hear. That was not what I meant by burning bush. Big G out. *mic drops*

Yours Truly, Big G.