5 The Un-Named Hero
Green Peach Maiden was suffering. After her accidental outburst in regard to the father of her baby bump, she had been severely punished.
Princess With Skin Like Jade Number 532C had wanted her to be executed. However, her execution would have meant the death of her children. General With Fierce Brows The Color Of Snow, did not wish for that. Not because he was a caring father but because such an outcome would have caused him to lose face. And since face was more important than life, they decided to banish her instead. After destroying her cultivation, they threw her into a portal to one of the lower worlds. She didn't even get to say goodbye to her sisters and friends.
It was such a tragic scene that this author couldn't even make a joke about it. For those readers not convinced at how sad it was, think of the saddest thing you've watched, and it'll even be sadder than that. Titanic, The Fault In Our Stars, Your Lie in April, and Grave of the Fireflies were literally comedies compared to the sadness of the scene.
"Boo hoo," cried Green Peach Maiden.
She realised she would never again see the Celestial Divine Immortal Heaven World. Never again experience the joys of vacationing in different worlds, where she had used her Immortal Cultivation to crush peak experts as if they were ants.
Instead, she now had to live as a mortal. Toiling everyday to make ends meet. Making up stats to meet key-performance indicators. Asking work colleagues to clock off for her so she could sneak out early. Lying on her resume in order to secure better pay. Stealing stationary, and then selling them cheap to hobos. And all those other things that this author has never ever done.
The valley she now found herself in was over-grown with weeds. It began to suddenly rain and Green Peach Maiden ran into a nearby cave to seek shelter. The dark, damp cave was full of spiders, cockroaches and other creepy crawlies that freaked women out.
Splat!
Green Peach Maiden sat down, crushing a particularly large insect and getting yellow, gloopy blood all over her.
She focused on her growing baby bump and vowed that her future son would get revenge on all who had wronged her. To make sure her future son remembered it all, she took out her note-book and wrote it all down.
"Dear Avenging Son," she began writing. "The following is a list of people you need to get revenge against for their evil crimes.
- Better Then Lu Bu And Even More Traitorous: Killed your grandfather and took over the Heavenly Golden Shower Sect.
- Princess With Skin Like Jade Number 532C: Had your mother banished from the Celestial Divine Immortal Heaven World.
- Butler Whose Right Eye Twitches Like A Pervert: Criticized your mother's fashion sense and said she smelled funny."
Green Peach Maiden frowned. There were only three names on the revenge list. It was simply too light weight. Suddenly she remembered something important.
"Don't forget to kill their families," she added.
Green Peach Maiden smiled. With the addition of that line, she had expanded her revenge list to hundreds of people.
"Yawn," she yawned and decided to rest.
Splat!
Splat!
Splat!
More large insects were crushed as Green Peach Maiden lay down in the cave.
Meanwhile, foetus Robert was in a foul mood. The qi of the surrounding area had dramatically fallen. Causing his cultivation speed to slow. Plus, the quality of qi was lower. Almost making fetus Robert want to vomit from the aftertaste. It was much like how a once rich man, used to eating lobsters and truffles instead had to eat processed crab sticks and past used by date, canned mushrooms. A true living hell.
"Little sister," said fetus Robert. "You stay here. I'm going to investigate what has happened."
Fetus Robert then made his way from the womb. Then through the passage which this author can't name without raising the novel's audience-age rating. Finally finding himself in the bug infested cave.
"This place is barely better than my old apartment," lamented Robert.
He found a large leaf and used it as an umbrella, then headed out into the rain. After walking for an incense stick length of time, he finally reached a small village.
The villagers were originally going to be peacefully resting. However, this author then realized how boring that would be. So instead, the villagers were being attacked by bandits. Not the sort of bandits with interesting back stories but the evil bandits who were created simply to get killed off within the same chapter.
"Steal everything!" said a tall bandit.
"Kill everything!" said a short bandit.
"Vandalise everything!" said a skinny bandit.
"F**k everything!" said a fat bandit.
"Cluck!" said an unfortunate chicken who was being molested by the fat bandit.
"Please save us!" lamented the village elder.
Fetus Robert became excited at the scene before him and not just because there was man on chicken action going on.
He leaped into slaughtering action.
Bang! Splorch!
A tiny fist smashed into the tall bandit's chest. Then fetus Robert ripped out the man's still beating heart.
The sight caused everyone to pause in their attack.
"You're courting death!" roared the short bandit.
Even though fetus Robert had destroyed the bandit leader with one hit, the other bandits were sure it had been simple luck. They followed the golden rule of antagonists: Always underestimate the main character.
Bang! Splorch!
A tiny fist smashed into the short bandit's chest. Then fetus Robert ripped out the second man's still beating heart.
"You're courting death!" yelled the skinny bandit, as he slashed at fetus Robert with his sword.
Clang! Bang! Splorch!
Fetus Robert used his physically perfect arm to block the blade. Then, a tiny fist smashed into the skinny bandit's chest. Then fetus Robert ripped out the third man's still beating heart.
"Everyone attacks together!" commanded the fat bandit, letting go of the chicken in his hand.
"You're courting death!" dozens of bandits shouted and attacked at once.
Clang! Bang! Splorch!
The trio of onomatopoeia was repeated again and again. As fetus Robert added to his mound of still beating hearts. As the battle raged, the villagers began to cheer and discuss.
"Who is that hero?" the village elder asked.
"He is clearly Xie Fu, the genius of the Sky Breaking Vajra Sect," replied a tall villager.
"Rubbish," retorted a short villager. "He's clearly Yang Zhong, the genius of the Supreme Polarity Eight Trigrams Sect."
"You are both wrong," interjected a skinny villager. "That man is Pan Shi, the genius of the ethical Legalist Scholar Sect."
"Everyone else but me is an idiot," stated a fat villager. "It's obvious that hero is none other than, Kang Xinya of the One Strike One Kill Sword Sect. He is literally killing the bandits in one strike."
The other villagers continued to argue as fetus Robert continued to slaughter.
Finally, the bandits were all dead. Fetus Robert sat upon a pile of still beating hearts that would sell for a small fortune on Earth's illegal organ market.
One of the villagers, the prettiest female present, walked up to the village's saviour.
"Who are you?" asked the village beauty.
"You may call me the Un-named Hero," answered Robert, due to the fact that this author had yet to decide on a new name for the main character.
