48 What Is Grief?
I don't know what she saw when she looked into my head but all I can feel is guilt and shame. Once again I've proven to be useless in the ways of sorcery and protecting. I-I knew Pietro was not going to survive this trip back home. No one else knew about this besides me. No one else could have done anything about it but me. And yet, why? Why couldn't I do anything about it? Why did Quicksilver have to die? Why didn't my spell work? Why Fiege? Why does he have to die so soon? I did everything I was supposed to. I tried giving him the same plot armor spell that Strange Supreme gave to the Guardians of the Multiverse. What was so different between his spell and mine? Did I not try hard enough? Was my spell too improper and flawed to protect against basic artillery? How could a spell of ethereal armor have a crack for a man made bullet to slip through?
This makes no sense. Why does none of this make any sense? Is this…is this the same as my mother? The same as James? A locked point in time to push for the development of a cornerstone of the timeline. But why, how? How can pushing for the growth of the ruler of realities be beneficial for the ruler of time? What sort of 4th dimensional chess moves are being made here? Could it…could it be a part of the loop? By keeping the right member of the Maximoff family alive, the loop of the multiversal war will be set. No matter which Nathaniel Richards wins, there will always be a way for all of the variants to survive and come back into the loop in every iteration of the multiiverse…
So what does that mean for me? I've done enough changes in this world that would ensure prosecution from the Time Variant Authority. All my life I've been afraid of the TVA coming for me and my timeline. I never wanted to divert too much from the sacred timeline but all the things I've done. All the things I've been through. How have the tyrants of time not come after me? Vision no longer has an infinity stone, the Darkhold is no longer in the hands of its proper puppets, Kamar-Taj is not endangered by the zealots. Hell, even Shang-chi having a twin would be enough of a crime for this whole timeline to be erased, let alone there being another successor to the multiversal weapons of the Ten Rings.
SIGH…why can't I just live a normal life and say fuck everybody else? If there's nothing that I can do to change the outcome of the timeline then just what the fuck am I doing here? Why am I born with no fate lines, a spider webbed birthmark and this weird ass breathing condition if I can't do anything? Was there truly nothing I could've done to save Pietro and my Mother? Was this whole journey of leaving my family just a selfish endeavor that means nothing because nothing I do changes anything? Am I supposed to just let Kang rule the multiverse until the Beyonders arrive to fuck everything up? Is this…is this the will of The One Above All?
Am I nothing more than an anomaly? An accident within an accident? A soul that died too young only to be mistakenly reborned into the wrong universe?
.
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CRACK!
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No. I can not accept that. I did not go through all of these hardships just to be a microbe within this game of chess. I did not killed my mother just to live without any free will. All the sacrifices and pain I went through will not be in vain. FUCK THAT! If I am an anomaly in this storyline. A glitch in this matrix. Then that means I have free will. The choices and decisions that everyone makes in this lifetime are predestined and locked into place. Everyone except me. I finally have the powers I had dreamt of ever since my discovery of the true nature of this world. This-this lost of Pietro is just another obstacle. Another bump to deterred and errode my heart and will to make me fall in line. I will not let it pull me down into the ground. This just means I still have more room to grow. I thought gaining mastery over the mystic arts and spider powers would be enough for me to survive but it's obvious I was wrong.
Everything that I had done up til now was just the beginning. A foundation for my path of becoming an emperor. If I am the only one in this life that has free will then I am the only who truly has the power to make changes. All my life I've wanted to become a person I needed but never had in my past. Now this just reenforces that belief. The Mystic Spider isn't just some Spider-Man knockoff. He's my tool to building a better world. In my past life there was never anyone who looked out for humanity. Those who tried either ended up dead or made little to no effect in changes. And any changes that did take place eventually faded back into the forgotten memories of history. Now I live in a world where there are people who try to look after humanity, all of humanity and not just those with wealth and power. The only problem is that these good people who give so much for humanity are still nothing more than pawns in the grand scheme of everything. The Avengers may save the world over and over again from impossible threats that will end all of humanity but they don't help with the problems of humanity. They keep the peace and the status quo, allowing the rich and power to remain untouched and undisturbed. But ultimately this is just a path set up for Nathaniel Richards to become a tyrant. The Avengers saving the world and keeping the status quo are just predestined paths paved by the ruler of time.
Even though the Avengers are heros who gave more than anyone else. Gave more than what could ever be repaid. Ultimately it's not from their own free will. Not unless I can do something about it. This world needs someone who will truly look after everyone. This world needs someone who can and will guide humanity on to a better path. Someone who will carry the burdens of the multiverse and truly protect this timeline from Kang. This. This is the real reason I left my family. This! THIS IS WHY I KILLED MY MOTHER!
I don't need any justification or excuses for murdering my own mother. No. No this IS the reason why I left my home all those years ago. It has been so long that I had forgotten my purpose for killing my Mother. Even if I knew that the world would end, I still could have stayed home and protected just my family. Even if there was nothing I could have done to protect my Mother, I still could have stayed to protect Shang-chi and Xialing from the abuse of our Father and his teachings. Even if I made no difference with my involvement in the events of Ultron and Sokovia, I still could have gone straight back home after receiving my spider powers to take my rightful place as the crown prince. This is what I've been searching for my whole life. The lesson of my Mother's death. The meaning behind her teachings and the sacrifices that she made.
When I left Kamar-Taj, I thought I was just making up a bullshit excuse to leave the school to gain my spider powers but now I see it. I am the only one who can make real change. I am the only one who can lead humanity to a better place. All these years, I've been filled with guilt and doubt. I've been looking for answers in the wrong places. I could have just taken over the Ten Rings and used their resources as my own but that is not what my purpose is. I wanted to build my own power away from the resources of my Father so that one day I can unite with the Ten Rings and increase our empire. But now I see it differently.
The void that I had dug out of myself and filled with guilt and shame was merely a distraction. I have lost so much that I have forgotten who I needed to become. Who my Mother taught me to become. The loss of my Mother, James and Pietro are not meaningless predestined deaths in this cold and uncaring universe that bends to the will and manipulation of Nathaniel Richards. They are reminders that there is no one else who can stand up to the ruler of time. No one else but ME! Their deaths are reminders that I can not rest until I can break the meaningless deaths of trillions who are stuck in a loop.
My name is Xu SīChóu Chù, Silk-touch Xu, the Mystic Spider. The son of Xu Wenwu and Ying Li, the wielder of the 'Ten Rings' and the woman who put him down. Kang the conqueror, paved the path for my Mother to meet the user of the 'Ten Rings' to create a lineage that can activate his secret tool for winning the multiversal war. However, he accidentally brought me here. I am a descendent of Ta-Lo and a righter inheritor of Kang's secret weapon. I stand in the direct path of the tyrant of time and I intend to face him with the full force of this universe. I have finally remembered who I am and why I started this journey to find myself and my powers. I WILL NOT ALLOW PIETRO'S DEATH TO BE ANOTHER MEANINGLESS DOMINO PIECE THAT KANG HAS USED!
CRACK! CRACK!
Oh shit I probably shouldn't have done that. Now that mirror is all kinds of fucked up from me getting too heated and punching it with my fist. I take one last look at myself in the mirror before exiting the bathroom. I'm now back in New York but I'm not back in my house. Currently I'm staying at the new Avengers facility in upstate as the rest of the team try to settle down after what happened in the last few days. Well the rest of the world really. Everyone freaked out and the world stood still during the broadcast of the Battle of Sokovia. It was all over the news around the globe as they all used footage from my video from the front line. Well I think it was a little bit of actual battle and the fact that I uh well I apparently hijacked a bunch of networks and streaming programs. Buuut no one is really talking about that at the moment so I think I'm still alright. Although I do need to let Tony know about the broken mirror….
I walk over to my bed to put my helmet back on as I step out of my room. Honestly I don't really know what to say about my new dormitory. It's definitely a lot more spacious than my last two rooms combined and I don't know how I feel about it. I've gotten sort of used to living in a "minimalistic'" lifestyle to save room on space that this feels off. Anyways I step out of my room with my helmet back on my head as I begin making my way towards the cafeteria. I trust that the avengers won't hurt me or anything like that but I just don't want to reveal my secret identity yet…well my regular identity anyways. My true secret identity is that I am the prince of the terrorist organization that created and nearly killed Ironman. But I'm sure we all don't need that sort of headache at the moment.
I make my way down the hall and after a couple of minutes I finally arrive at the main gathering area of the compound. Now I could have just portaled here or at least chosen a closer room if I had wanted to have a faster and easier way to consume food but I like where I'm at. My room is the furthest one I can find that's away from the rest of the team. But coincidentally Wanda had chosen to be my next door neighbor. Which I don't mind but it doesn't make it any easier to hide myself and emotions from her…or her from me.
I walk over to the fruit bowl to grab a handful of grapes and apples before setting them onto a plate. I turn around to see if there's any drinks being served at the moment before filling up a glass of water for myself. I begin walking back towards my room when I see Rogers stepping out of his room. I gave him a nod of respect as we pass each other. "You still plan on wearing your helmet even when you're off duty?" He looks at me while crossing his arms.
I keep nodding my head as I stop in my tracks. "I don't feel comfortable with showing y'all my face just yet. I mean it's really cool to be hanging with the Avengers but I still have a life outside of this you know. I have people that will be sorry sick if I don't talk to them after a couple of days." Steve puts on a smile as he nods his head too. "Whatever you say kid. Just don't be a stranger when you're here. We've saved the world together so there's no need to feel uncomfortable. Try to make yourself feel at home alright?" He taps my shoulder before walking away. I can't but smile a little as I continue with my walk towards my room. After a couple of minutes I finally reach the end of the hall as my eyes land on the door next to mine. My room is at the end of this hallway and I know I shouldn't try to bother Wanda but I can't help but feel an itch pulling me towards her door. SIGH. Alright Ned, sure. Let's go disturb the grieving woman just because you have a crush on her like a fucking teenage boy.
I step away from my door as I walk over a few places to reach Wanda's door. I set my plate of fruits in the air for a second as I gently knock on her door. Kock. Kock. The only thing that responded back to me is the slight echoing of my knocks from the walls of the hallway. SIGH. What am I even doing? I have a world to save and an empire to build. There's no time to waste trying to chase after my thirteen year old emotio-SCREECH. Just then the door slowly opens as Wanda cracks open her door to look at who is knocking. "Oh. Hey." She gives me a weak and unenergetic wave. She seems to be dealing with a bad case of depression and grief with a sprinkle of no sunlight in the last 48 hours.
"Hey uhh can I come in? I've brought you some fruits." I try to sound enthusiastic as I lie about getting her food. I mean I didn't because I really am giving her this plate of food but it really was for me cause my stomach is super hungry right now. GRRHHH. Oh there it is. I've done fucked up now…. Wanda breaks into a soft and weak smile as she tries to cheer up from the scene of me offering food with a growling stomach. "You uhm want to come in?" She opens the door a little wider before stepping back to make some space for me to step through.
"O-only if I'm not a bother to you." I can feel my cheeks start to heat up a little bit as I try to be polite with her. "It's not a bother at all." She shakes her head. "Plus I think you should probably explain to me why there were a couple loud bangs coming from your side of the wall earlier." She steps aside as I make my way into her room. I swallow down the ball of nervousness down my throat as I try to remain as cool and relaxed as I can. I've never really been alone in a room with a girl before…well no I was in did have a one on one meeting with The Ancient One a couple years back but that was a school related thing. The closest I've ever been to being alone with a girl that I like in this lifetime is with May during the early days of my friendship with Peter.
"Okay uhh cool." I try to sound chill as I look around her room. "So uhh can I sit in your chair?" I turn to look at her as she closes the door before walking back over to her bed. "If you want." She shrugs her shoulders before sitting back on the edge of her bed to resume watching her TV show. "Ahh I see." I follow her to the bed before squatting down to sit on the floor next to her. I don't think it's appropriate for me to sit on her bed and I don't want my mind to keep racing and pacing with hormonal teenager thoughts. She lets out a soft chuckle before resuming her show. I can't help but smile as I hand her my plate of fruits as we watch the show. I set my glass of water aside before taking off my helmet as the start of the next episode begins to play.
