The Day I Meet My Future Pain In the Ass

"What is life worth living, if you do not attempt to live it?"

["These words stared back at me as I contemplated on a decision that would change my life forever. A lot, and I do mean a lot of stories start off this way. The main protagonist, often a hero of some novel stands at the forefront of some great adventure that changes them as a person and the daily life they lead. So, what's the difference between their story and mine? Well for one, who said I'm a hero? I'm more like the middle ground. That's right, a proper human being who does good and bad because let's face it. No one is perfect. So, what's my big decision that's going to change my life? Well, for that let me take you back a week to how it all started. Yes, the week that has blasted my sense of reality into the gutter, and the week where I met the biggest pain in my ass that I've ever well, met… ehh, next to my best friend."] *End audio recording*

*One week ago*

The blue smoke from my freshly lit cigarillo wafted away with the soft breeze darting in and out under the moonlight.

["It's one in the morning now, October fourteenth. After a day of doing absolutely nothing, but accumulating fantastic stories of grand adventures from novels into my already vast mental archive I've reached the conclusion that I'm not meant to do anything in my life and every bit of hard work and effort is utterly pointless. Oh woe is me and all that bullshit!"]

*hwooh* *click*. Sighing, I turn off the old recording device I found in my grandparents attic. While watching the moon for a bit as I sit and soak in the semi-quietness of the college city.

"I meant that as a joke, but maybe I meant it more than I thought..." bitterly grinning this was my last thought before I almost pissed myself.

"Well you know it doesn't have to be that way lad!" a voice from a person I've never met sounded in right next to my ear.

I jump straight out my chair knocking over the ashtray, the garden table, and somehow manage to drop my lit cigarillo in my jacket pocket all in one go.

"Who the hell are you!" I turn around to find a pale man the color of milk with coal black hair standing next to where I was previously sitting.

"Woah! Hey mate, calm down a second or you might hurt yourself. Look you've already managed to kill a garden table and an ashtray!" Pointing to my back patio massacre with a complete straight face betraying his amused tone.

"Answer my question! Who the hell are you? What are you doing at my apartment, and how the hell did you get next to me?"

The Edward Scissor-less hand looking man simply rolled his eyes and pointed to my neglected jacket pocket which was now smoking.

"Ahh! Shit. Shit! Shit!" A stream of cussing fell out of my mouth as I ripped my jacket off and stamped it out with my foot.

"*Pfft*! Add a jacket to the list of victims! Aye, you're ruthless, simply ruthless! Ahahahakekeke"

The slender-man with hair and a face finally hit his limit and burst out with laughter not equivalent to the situational humor, looking like he was only a step away from rolling on the ground and pissing himself.

'Tonight I might've been declared a murderer, but if he doesn't shut the hell up and start talking I might actually become one.' I thought to myself while staring at the man with anger and slight fear in my eyes.

"Ahh laddie thanks for that! I haven't had a good laugh like that in a while!" the man wiped the half formed tears in his eyes away.

"Aye pay attention to me, who the hell are you!" After the adrenaline left my body I calmed down a bit and went back to questioning the man in front of me.

"Quite the straightforward type aren't you. Well if I had to say... I'm the natural response to people like you. In other words... a Muse!"

The man grinned in a proud manner towards the last couple words.

"No, No I meant who are you asshole and what the hell are you doing on my back patio!?"

Then something happened that left my mind completely lost for any train of thought. The man disappeared and reappeared right next to me.

"Ah shit Slender-Man!" I screamed out before I took off running in the opposite direction.

The October winds were extremely cold that night biting into my skin as I ran through the woods neighboring my apartment complex.

I turn around to look, finding that the man who fate sent to ruin my night was gone from view. In fact there was nothing in my view except the dense foliage that surrounded me.

"T-Thank God I l-lost him! N-Now... wher-where am I?"

Teeth chattering as I talked to myself under my breath. I began checking out my surrounding more intensely.

It was at this point I realized I ran way too far into the woods and was now certifiably lost like the type of shit that happens to dumb people in horror movies.

"I can hear the people on the other side of the f-fourth wall yelling "Yooo! D-Dumbass! Why'd you run in-into the woods?"

"We-well I'll tell you non-existent f-fourth wall people. It's definitely not because it was the c-closest place for me to run in my adrenaline induced frenzy, or the fact I wanted to lose the slender-man looking d-dickhead that can freaking t-teleport"

'I gotta stop talking to myself'

My thoughts were stampeding through me as I walked along toward the sound of the nearest road.

After about half an hour of traveling I finally reach the road and find myself in front of a very familiar convenience store where I buy all my very nutritious junk food and energy drinks from.

After having to run for about 10 minutes and walking for about 30 minutes it was closing in on two in the morning and I was feeling rather hungry, cold, and wanted to call the police and report what happened. Pulling out my wallet from my back pocket I check it only to find enough for a candy bar and drink.

*sigh* 'I'm so broke I really need to find some work.' Thinking depressing thoughts such as these I walk into the convenience store and head straight to the back to gather my sustenance and trek my way to the counter.

"Aye, anything else?" The guy at the counter spoke in a weird manner with his head kept down under his hat. I didn't think anything weird about it though, after all the people who work near colleges change all the time, and have a lot of people from other countries working.

"I was wondering if I could borrow your phone? Someone tried to attack me earlier and I want to report it."

Suddenly the man's head whips whips up in a fury and yells "OI! WHO T'E HELL TRIED TO ATTACK YOU? ME? NO? IF I, YOUR GREAT- OF OH SO FECKIN' GREAT GRAND-PAPPY TRIED TO ATTACK YOU, YOU'D END UP LIKE THAT CHEAP ASS ASHTRAY YOU BOUGHT. SO LET ME Tel… OI! WHERE THE FECK ARE YOU GOING?!"

Sprinting for the door not even bothering to turn around time seemed to slow down. My heart beating so hard it seemed to want out of my chest. 'HOLY SHIT, HOLY SHIT!' is on repeat in my head as I reach the door. My arm whips out to bust the door open... 'SHIT, IT'S A PUL...' was my last thought before my head slammed the door and my vision went black.