8. Seeking Permission

Last night was frankly terrible; one of the worst in my life. But I woke up this morning feeling slightly better. The sun was shining into my room through the silk curtains, the sky was clear, and the mood was overall brighter. Perhaps that's because I knew that unlike several other unlucky ladies last night, I wouldn't be forced to live with my horrible future husband.

Or unless, he said otherwise.

I rose early, practiced a little bit of Greek, and joined my brothers and father for breakfast. Still feeling a little queasy from last night's ceremony, I only had fruit and tea to eat, which worried Father. "I want you to take it easy today. Leave your studies and rest your mind, my darling," he told me after our meal. "Yes, Father," I replied obediently. He patted me on the shoulder, smiling. "Your brothers and I are going to visit Parliament today. The Regent is giving a formal address. What will you do? Stay here at the palace?" My body perked up a little at this question. "Ah, well some of the young ladies…. um, fiancées, are going to promenade in the gardens at Hyde Park. May I join them?" Father's eyes lit up in delight. "Of course you can, dearest! Go and enjoy yourself; you more than deserve it." "Thank you, Father! I will!" "Now don't stay in the sun too long. Take lots of resting breaks on your walk. I will come to the right wing to collect you later this evening before dinner. We're dining with Lord Hastings and Lady Danbury tonight, remember." My grin began to fade. "Yes, I remember…"

How could I forget? Father, my brothers, and I would stay here at the palace one more night before returning to our mansion elsewhere in London. All the other engaged couples were still here too….. including my allusive fiancé. I tried to put him out of my mind as I approached the other young ladies getting ready to go to Hyde Park. None of them made any effort to talk to me; I guess Lord Hasting's slight of me so publicly yesterday would hurt my social standing. Still, I did my best not to let it bother me, greeting every lady politely that I passed. At the front of the troop waiting to go were Lady Cowper and her daughter, Cressida Cowper. Both sneered at me the moment they saw me coming forward. Trying to be respect, I made a gentle bow their way and smiled kindly.

"Good morning, ladies," I chimed a tad shy. Cressida's top lip rose in contempt while her mother jeered. "Why, Miss Bridgerton! Good morning. I must say I'm surprised to see you here." "I-I just wanted to go on a walk. It's a such a lovely day." "Yes. Awe, you poor dear; one cannot blame you for forcing yourself to find joy in….. little things. Last night must have been so traumatic for you! And what with your delicate condition too….." Lady Cowper was referring to my bad heart. I blushed but said nothing; the other women were watching now, including Lady Featherington and her daughters. "I wouldn't have the courage- or nerve- to show my face in polite society if my fiancé snubbed me the way hers did," Prudence Featherington whispered to her sister. I felt like I was going to vomit, I was blushing so hard by now. "Girls!" Lady Featherington gave her daughter a nudge in the ribcage; I assume she still wanted to be in Father's good graces. There were snickers and the Cowpers couldn't have looked more pleased with themselves or the situation.

But in a show of false politeness, Lady Cowper waved her hand in the air dismissively. "Ignore them, dear. We've all been in…. embarrassing situations before." "Not that embarrassing," Lady Featherington's other daughter chuckled, earning a sharp glare from her mother. Lady Cowper glanced back to me with an air of superiority. "So you're coming to Hyde Park with us, then?" "Y-Yes! M-My father gave me his consent." "What did your fiancé say?" Cressida spoke for the first time, and I felt sick again. I nervous met her stare. "U-Uh, my fiancé?" Her smirk couldn't have been wider just then. "You're not under your father's rule anymore, Miss Bridgerton; you're under your fiancé's directive now. It is his permission you must seek." "H-His permission…?" It never occurred to me that I'd have to ask Lord Hastings for anything until after we were married, and this revelation frightened me. It was made all the worse when she nodded her head without taking her eyes off of mine. "We all have our fiancés' permission to go. Surely you would not think to leave the palace grounds without consulting your intended first, would you?" There was a hint of accusation in her tone, as if I was about to commit a crime or the like.

After staring directly at her and not smiling for a moment, I forced another grin across my face, though I'm sure I was fooling no one. "Of course not," my words were ice cold, which brought Cressida much glee. Everyone present watched as I slowly and very reluctantly spun around on my heels. "I'll be right back," I muttered before leaving. Oh my god, what have I done? What am I doing? Lord Hastings told me to stay away! Me running to him to ask his permission constantly for trifle matters is the exact opposite of what he wanted! I've thought it once and I'll think it again.

This is a nightmare!

Not sure where I might find Lord Hastings in this maze of a manor, I made my way over to the floor with the smoking room in the left wing. Male voices laughing and shouting could be heard from the end of the hall. Hesitantly I approached the door where I could smell the smoke from the cigars and cigarettes wafting from. There was a manservant smartly dressed lingering outside the door, ready to come and go as he was directed by the room's occupants, I'm certain. He blinked to me in tangible surprise as I came nearer. I instinctively flashed him a brilliant, friendly smile, of which he was too shocked to do the same.

"Good morning, sir. I….. I'm looking for my….. er, one Lord Hastings. Do you know if he's inside?" I motioned to the door for emphasis. He looked from it to me ponderingly; I could tell he was trying to make something of the situation. I guess they don't get a lot of ladies in this wing of the palace. Soon enough however, the manservant gazed at me one final time; his expression was now softer and had a sincere desire to help me. "One moment please," he finally smiled at me before slipping into the room. I had to hold my breath as the smoke came flooding out from the inside at the crack in the door.

I waited patiently and silently for a minute, gazing about the hallway. My head spun back forward when the door opened again, and my heart sank when an irate Lord Hastings stomped outside. He looked like he could have throttled me right then and there.

"What do you think you are doing here?" My fiancé demanded of me. My lips sputtered momentarily. "I….. I….. I…." "Didn't I make myself clear yesterday that I had no desire to see you?" He took a step nearer to me. He came closer but I couldn't bring myself to be afraid; more unsure what to say to make him understand. My arms rose up a little. "Y-You did! Perfectly clear, my lord." "Then what are you doing here, embarrassing me in front of my friends?" Oh, he's embarrassed?! He just hear the horrors I went through. Oh well, whatever; best to just get this over with. Ironically, the more we spoke to each other, the easier it became for me to find my voice. Funny that…

Taking in a deep breath, I relaxed my shoulders a bit and looked him straight in the eye. I don't think he was expecting me to act so calm and collected. "My lord, I had planned to go on a walk at Hyde Park with the other young ladies today. Is that alright with you?" "What?" He asked, genuinely perplexed. I inwardly sighed and rolled my eyes. "I'm asking for….. you permission. Do I have your grace's consent to go?"

Lord Hastings couldn't have gawked at me more confused or alarmed; you'd think I was asking him to solve a calculus problem judging by his expression. "My permission…..?" He repeated in a quieter tone. "Yes, my lord," I nodded my head. "Why on earth do you need that?" This wasn't a sarcastic question on his part. I too blinked in mild surprise at this. "B-Because we're engaged?" "Shhhhh, not so loud!" He tried to hush me up. "Uh, the whole court knows we're to be married, my lord. It's not a secret," I stated the obvious. He gave me an unimpressed look but dropped the issue; at least on our engagement being a "secret".

"So that's why you're here? To inquire after something so trivial as my consent for you to go on a walk?" His shoulders finally began to relax a little, mirroring my body language. "Correct," I nodded again. Lord Hastings stared at me for a minute, bringing his forefinger up to his lip in a thoughtful motion. I said nothing, waiting for him to speak next. To my surprise, he threw his hand up in the air after a second of contemplation. "How absurd, that you should need to ask my opinion on such matters. I know they say husband should lord over their wives, but this is ridiculous," I think he was saying this more to himself than to me. I unconsciously nodded my head in agreement but felt the need to remind him of Georgian social customs, to which we were bound. "It is ridiculous… but you are my fiancé." That's when Lord Hastings's eyes fell back onto mine again; gentler this time.

"What did I just say? Not so loud," he chastised. "Forgive me, my lord." My fiancé sighed and rolled his eyes, already exasperated. Then he glanced back in my direction, almost curiously now. "Did you already ask your father? What did he say?" My father? What does he have to do with anything? "Erm, yes…. Yes, of course. He said I could go." Lord Hastings's head nodded slowly in understanding at this. "Ok; then you may go. And in the future, just assume that you have my consent to come and go as you please. I have neither the time nor desire to be bothered with such trifles." "Yes, my lord," I curtsied a little and was about to head off until my fiancé stopped me not ten feet away from him.

"Miss Bridgerton!" "Yes?" My feet paused so I could turn around to see him again. His eyes immediately cemented onto mine once more. "There will….. be an escort on your promenade?" Lord Hastings asked almost apprehensively. "Of course! Father would not let me go otherwise," I answered in animation, only to watch in shock this hint of relief wash over his face. "Good. Don't want people thinking that you have a neglectful fiancé who doesn't care about his intend's safety," he said this, and my lips instinctively parted a sliver. It took a moment but when Lord Hastings saw my dumbstruck reaction, his back instantly arched up and he cleared his throat. His eyes finally tore away from mine.

"Don't flatter yourself, Miss Bridgerton! I didn't mean anything by it! What I simply meant was….. All I meant was both our reputations have been hurt enough by this whole affair. I'm fine with society thinking I'm a rake, but a cruel one…." His words tittered off here. I watched him for a moment before taking a single, solitary step back toward him, which caught his attention. "It's alright, my lord; you've made your feelings perfectly apparent to me last night. And you have nothing to worry about. After consulting with my family, we've decided that it is best for me to proceed with this engagement….. but also to honour your words and have as little to do with you as possible," Lord Hastings's back visibly arched as our eyes met yet again; his wide and mine soft and soulful. And I smiled at him….. For the first since we met, I flashed him a true, genuine smile. "Worry not, Lord Hastings; regardless of your feelings for me, I am on your side. I do not wish for you to be unhappy, as my family will make sure that I am not unhappy. If you want me to stay away, I will do so without complaint. There is so much more in life to bring me joy, after all….. You need not be one of them."

I said this, and it was Lord Hastings's turn to grow pale. I don't think anyone had ever talked to him like this before, which isn't surprising. He's so indescribably beautiful, I bet he's used to having girls fall all over themselves around him. My words stopped here so I could let this pregnant pause fall in between us, giving me some time to grin sincerely at him again. "This marriage is not what either of us desired- I see that now. Neither of us want to be in this engagement, but there's no other choice. The best we can do is make it work for both of us. Now, if you excuse me, my party is waiting," I won't lie, it felt good to playful parrot his own words back at him. Lord Hastings, for his part, could only ogle my way, his lips hanging open a little. I don't think it ever occurred to him that this marriage wasn't one I wanted to be in either, and I truthfully think that was a blow to his pride. That, or…..

I managed to take two steps away before yet again he stopped me. "One moment, Miss Bridgerton!" And just like before, I paused to glance over my shoulder at him puzzled. He was staring at me now, pursing his lips together and clasping his hands behind his back. "Be back in time for dinner this evening," he said with some authority. We stared wordlessly at one another, my cheeks coming close to blushing. My own mouth opened a tad for the hundredth time that morning. Wait, did he just…? But he distinctly just told me not to bother him with such trivial matters. So then why would he waste time to tell me…..? My mouth drew open, then shut again. That was confusing…. But then I couldn't stop myself from grinning, almost bubbly so, one last time.

"I would never do otherwise, my lord."