my first taste of death

one minute I am happy laying on the couch thinking how happy I will be to sleep and not feel the pain any more. the next thing I know I'm freezing and it's raining on my face. I opened my eyes to see raymond my mother's newest boyfriend and I'm in the bath tup and the cold shower is on. I tell him Ray it's cold turn it off. he said alisha how many did you take? I said I dont know ray. just let me go back to sleep so it dont hurt anymore. he said so what doesn't hurt anymore. I said me ray. just let me go. he said I cant alisha, you have to tell me how many pills you took. I just lay there slapping at the water saying just turn off the water it cold ray. and I blacked back out. my next memory is I am laying in the snow and being sprayed with the water hose. you see we lived on my grandpa's farm and the water hose was kept inside the well house so it didnt freeze. because if it froze the animals wasnt able to get any water. so I'm soaking wet and freezing cold and once again ray is at the other end of the water that is keeping me from getting rid of my pain. so to say I am mad is an understatement. I scream at him Ray I said to let me go. why cant you just let me go. I'm screaming this as I run towards him. when I reach him I swung and my little fist land on his jaw. and your probably think ain't no way a small child was able to land a hit on a full grown man's face. but you see raymond is a full grown man but even full grown most 15 year olds girls are taller than him. but he was my savior. although I really didnt feel that way when I was standing in the snow in my sweat pants and tshirt and no shoes and him spraying me with the water hose. so I landed my hit and he just sprayed me in the face as he said how many pills did you take alisha. I go to scream I don't know just when the water sprays in my mouth, I try to swallow it but I just start coughing. and I blacked out again. my next memory I was in the floorboard of the car all the windows were down I was soaking wet and freezing, I was trying to crawl under my family's legs so that way I could get warm begging them to roll up the windows and I blacked out again. and my next memory I was laying in the hospital and I was puking up black chalky stuff. I black out again and my next memory I'm waking up to my aunt not the same aunt that I had gotten the pills for but my Aunt Bee I remember hearing her yelling at my mom that there was something wrong with me and that I needed help and I remember laying there thinking please Mom just listen to her please please she us right. please listen to her.and my mom got angry and hit my aunt and the hospital staff mad3 my aunt bee leave and as I lay there with tears rolling down my eyes I watch her as she leaves and realize there went all my hope of getting my help. and I couldn't figure out why won't you just listen to her and my Aunt Bee said as she was be escorted away. debbie there was no reason for a 9-10 year-old baby to try to kill herself!! and I remember thinking to myself I just wanted to go to sleep and not feel anymore pain. not kill myself and then it dawned on me I could have died and I could have went to heaven with my Aunt vicky and been in a better place and not been in anymore pain. now I was so angry because now I had realized what I had almost done but I wasn't angry because I thought I was going to died but I was angry because I didn't succeed and all this pain that I have been feeling was right back again and even though my Aunt Bee was trying to tell my mom that I needed help I still felt all alone. and I blacked out again my next memory is I wake up to my mom and Ray fighting and they're fighting over me. im no longer in the hospital but instead I'm in bed in a camper and I have no clue where I'm at and nothing looks familiar. i can hear them arguing the reason my mom and Ray are fighting is because ray is telling her that she's known that there's something or someone that's been hurting me and she's done nothing about it and she tries to tell him she don't know. I think why is she lying she does know. and he tells her he knows that she's lying because of some stuff that I had said when I was blacked out on the xanax. i start to wonder what I had said. he went to leave and my mom tried to stop him and he almost ran her over with the car that was the last time I seen ray until I was 19 years old. over the next few years I had tried several times to try to die. when I was 11 my a stray dog had showed up and he was so skinny and he started killing my grandpa's chickens. so my went and got his revolver pistol. he put to bullets in the poor dog and I was crying and yelled at my grandpa he was just hungry. he gave me the gun and told me to go put it back up as he was putting the poor dog into the back if his truck. I took the gun and went and sat on his bed placed the pistol to the side of my head and I slowly pulled the trigger and I can remember hearing the revolver turn and then the sound of the click made me jump. I stopped and looked at the gun. then placed it back up to my head and pulled the trigger again and again I could hear the revolver wheel turning and again it just clicked. as i was about to pull the trigger again my baby cusin bear comes walking in she is about one years old and yes she could walk she was so smart and beautiful she even could talk like she was 3 years old instead of 1. i knew i couldnt pull that trigger in front of her. i could never hurt her. so I put the gun away and pick her up and go back towards the kitchen and got her some juice. and after that I had decided I wouldnt ever attempt to die inside the house just in case she was to come in if I was successful.