1 devloping the monsters

           this is a story of my life and a story of the monster's in my life. but not the kind of monster's you would think but these monster's was a monster of many forms the 1st  kind of  monster has the power of illusion and it can possess anyone, this monster is pretty bad,  her name is crystal meth. the 2nd is also a monster who has many powers, theses  power are of destruction, mental and physical abuse , and this monster is mankind, monster's like rapist and child molesters and some murders,  then there is the worst monster i ever faced  this monster was no ordinary monster, this one was created it is a side affect from the other monsters, this monster's powers is fear, and anxiety and the most vivid nightmares, and depression and ptsd, an emotional dysfunction of having to have control and order with everything. but  what makes this the worst monster of all is that this monster was a daily part of  me. a daily battle inside of me. everyday was filled with pain and torment, a struggle to be in my own skin, and alone inside of my own head, all these monsters inside of me started when i was 8 years old, when my grandpa's best friend came over one day when i was home alone, well not exactly home alone, my grandpa was in the field with the cows, he was looking for a cow that was supposed to be having a calf and i remember that it was hot and we always kept the windows open, you see we didn't have a lot of money so this is how we kept the house cool during the summer. anyways i can  even remember all the smells and the sounds that was around me, i heard his truck pull up. it was normal for hi. to come over. you see he was my grandpa best friend. he had been around my whole life. when he came inside this time I could just feel something wasnt right all of a sudden i started to feel really scared so i told him grandpa was gone in the field and he could go find him out there well he asked what part of the field i told him the back pastor where the momma cows are, and the way  he looked at me then scared me even more it was a fear that went bone deep, a fear i had never felt before, and a fear that has never left me since this day. and that was the start of my first encounter with a monster number 2,and little did i know that this was going to be a long road with this monster, i should of known is what i told my self because my little brother was always scared of him but i thought it was because he would threaten to cut his big toe off,but i had always liked him before he would let me sit in his lap and tell me stories, some storys was gross about kissing and stuff but some where sweet like about puppies and stuff, and my dad was never around sometimes i would forget what he looked like,i remember wondering if my dad ever let me sit on his lap and tell me stories, my momma never really told me much about my dad well not that my mom was around enough to tell me much of anything, my momma was gone most of the time, but that was normal since we moved back to the country i didn't understand why she was always gone . but she would be gone for weeks at a time and when she was home she was either sleeping or drinking, sometimes grandpa would leave my little brother and me home alone but take my little sister cause me and her fought a lot, well when this monster hurt me my little brother was in the field with grandpa so was my sister, the pain is something i can still remember, but the fear was unreal, fear of ever feeling that much pain again, but i remember being more on the outside of my body after the pain started i remember the sounds of the cows and the sound of the birds and the geese in the pond,and then i remember hearing a truck coming that wasn't a truck i was used to hearing and then the stabbing pain was gone and i was all alone again, but the pain was still there, and now  i was afraid of the pain coming back so i ran and hidden in my aunts closet, i curled into a ball and cried and cried then the door to the closet opened.and fear shot threw me like a knife and i began to shake, because i had been laying in the dark i could not see at first who was standing in the door way when my eyes ajusted i could see it was my mom, and over the next few minutes is when i believe that the monster's inside me started to develope, the words of my mother was not ones you would think would be said to an 8 year old child who was just raped,and her words to me scarred me for life, her words to me still affect me to this day, and for the longest time i belived her words, my mother told me as i lay there crying, and shaking in the closet floor,she knelt down asking what was wrong, i told her he hurt me she said who, how , what are you saying , i told her he stuck his private inside of my private over and over and it hurt she just sat there staring at me listening to me cry my horror story to her, after a few minutes she just says you made him do this to you, if you wouldnt be sitting in his lap all the time, if you wouldnt be so clingy he would of never hurt you, and just like that my tears stop but i cant seem to stop shaking, so i sit up and tuck my knees under my chin and stare at the floor, my mom stands and leaves, and im sitting there trying to understand, what i did wrong,  how she said it my fault. I didnt want him to hurt me. I didnt know that I was doing something wrong. I had never gotten into trouble for sitting in his lap before. none of it made any sense to me I was trying to understand what I did wrong for him to hurt me and why my mom mad at me, why did he hurt me, does this mean all men will hurt me, i didnt want to ever feel this way ever again, but i wasnt sure of how to fix my self so that way i can keep myself from causing another man to hurt me, is this why my dad wasnt around, so he wouldnt hurt me, my grandpa never hurt me, but would he now, little did i know that because nothing was done, the pain i was caused wasnt going to end that this was just the beginning, a few weeks went by before I seen him again. and i assume now he knew nothing would be done, and over the next several years i am faced with this pain weekly sometimes mulitiple times a week, i was to young to realise just how easy of a target i was, because he was best friends with my grandpa and him knowing when grandpa was going to town witch would never be anything less than an hour trip, because we lived so far out in the country. or when grandpas was expecting calves or going to a sale, or where our mom was, cus grandpa was always upset mom was gone and so was my aunts and grandpa had all of us kids,or for him to know anything about my house, and i knew if i was alone he was going to come and there was times when i would have my little brother and he was scared of him when he would come and because i didnt want him to get hurt too i would tell him to hide in the closet under the cloths until he was gone and i would not let him get him i would say he wasnt here, and my brother would run and hide, and he never did come out untill the monster was gone and i always waited a few minutes till after he done made it all the way down the drive way before i would go get my brother, and sometimes my brother would fall asleep and i would curl up with him and eventually fall asleep, i liked sleeping even though sometimes i would have scary dreams, fear is way worse mixed with pain, than by its self, but sometimes my dreams made me sad, so dreams was never good,  but this monster started to slow down  on coming around at times and other times he seemed to come more,  maybe he became nervouse or who knows why he slowed down or why he even done this to me, but i never complained when i didnt hear his truck, but the worse part was when he was in the house when my family was there, with any people the way it made me feel was like i was a stranger in my own skin, i grew to where i would do anything to avoid being touched by any guy or boy it didnt matter unless it was my brother. i even had become afraid of my grandpas touch. but fear was a monster i was getting to know all to well, i mean she was even in my dreams,