21 To My Younger Self

Dear me,

If I could go back in time and sit and talk to my 10 year old self. I'd tell her I was sorry. I'd tell her I was sorry for the pain she's already suffered withing two years. And I'd tell her I was sorry for the pain she was going to suffer in the future.

I'm sure she'd ask what I meant by that, to be fair I don't know what I'd say. Would it be okay to tell her the truth? Wouldn't that alter time? Possibly. But I'd hug her and tell her all will be well one day. She'll find the love of her life, she'll cut off everyone who has hurt her or spoke poorly on her name, she'll struggle to be mentally healthy but she'll have the support she needs.

All is well.

In this time it's safe to say I don't want to die, but that's because I have a reason to live. That has always been my problem, I'm dependant on people. And therefore I depend on people to give me a reason to live. Yes I can live without dependency, but I'll envy those who have people, I'll feel worthless, I'll feel unwanted, and I'll lose my reason to live.

I suppose I'd tell my younger self to learn to not depend or envy people. Because envy can kill you. I'd tell her that girl she'll meet in one more year will eventually envy her in high school. And that she'd glare at her in the locker room mirror every time she goes to fix her hair. I'd tell her that a girl she'll meet in another three years will betray her trust again and again. I'd tell her to draw a line so when she crosses it she won't hurt you again.

I'd tell her boys aren't everything, and the right one will walk into her life like any other male. I'd tell her girls are pretty and it's okay to like them too. I'd tell her that just because dad is hurting you doesn't mean she should turn to sexual pleasure to fix everything. Even if it isn't going all the way. I'd tell her to respect mommy more than I did and never make her cry. I'd tell her that even when our real dad dies forgive him for his mistake and let yourself cry.

And finally, I'd tell my younger self to never accept death for what it is because if you do it won't be surprising when someone you knew dies. You won't feel anything, you won't cry, you won't care. It will just be another life lost in a fire made of ink stained poetry.

All will be well if you teach yourself patience.

Yours truly,

Tomie Grayson