Desperate emotions

As Nicole and I strolled in the mall with Emory i noticed a guy kept looking at her. It seemed he was with a girl but then he proceeded to ask Nicole for her number. I thought she would say no, or ignore him since i was with her, but instead she handed him her number. I was heavy hearted from what had just occurred and what she said lodged in my mind.

"I mean why not i don't have that many people to talk to."

The short response, she said to him hit me hard. My heart started beating heavily and everything blurred. I realized it had been another dream. I felt lost i between reality and mind, my dreams felt so vivid and real. I got ready for the day thinking about the reason i was feeling the way i was. I looked in the mirror and saw a nobody. I hated who I was now, I felt like I needed to get out somewhere anywhere. I spent the day cleaning and working and finally got rest as the sun began to set.

Looking at the sun set, I began to feel grateful for the change of scenery, but it cost losing my friends and family in my old town. An abrupt knock on the door snapped me to reality, it was Cassandra. I had completely forgotten about the party. I let her in and asked why i wasn't ready. She waited in the living room as I showered and rushed putting on a ubiquitous rose flannel and some dark green jeans I had. When I got to the living room she was watching a show. She told me there was no rush since the party was later at night which made me a little frustrated for making me think I was late. I sat down and I never really got a good look at her till then. She was a tall hispanic girl with bangs. She had quite a interesting sense of humor, i found myself staring at her and she snapped at me.

"What !"

"Nothing just never really had a good look at you."

" Uh Huh whatever… So what type of things u like to do, your house seems bland."

"Uhh excuse you my house is not 'bland'. But I usually just watch youtube videos and clean and workout you know the usual. " She then threw the remote at me signaling to put something i like on the television. I sat down beside her and put a video of space. She abruptly asked if i have a girlfriend.

"Ye- Umm no not anymore or... well no." she looked at me quizzically and .

'Oof sounds tough what happened? "

" Uhhh i'm not sure i guess she just stopped talking to me but its whatever i dont 'love'."

"What no everyone loves." I got angry after she said that and i began ranting.

" You don't understand ! Like i never liked any of the girls i messed around with like i did Nicole, Nicole was different i thought she was a girl i could love. I'm always thinking of how we went out and watched a movie and held hands and i miss her, but no. You know why ,because love is nonexistent.To many it's like a mindset but in reality its a illusion by how its perceived. To those who feel empty love can be found in anyone as a fill of the void in you created. Love was never there it's just the sense of fulfillment and temporary feeling of happiness that isn't real . Like come on Cass it's obvious, love is a waste. She was scared to get in another relationship and me well i don't know about me i just don't do the whole love thing. I'm just not into it, in the end no one will be there for you and that's the reality and the last thing you'll think before you go is think was it all worth it. I don't know but i feel like i'm wasting my time and there's not enough time for someone like me. Ummm i'm sorry i didn't mean to yell at you."

"Dont worry its fine you just got with the wrong girls. Not your fault." What she said calmed me down, maybe i just tried to love the wrong girls. She got up opened the door and then said it was time to go.

She seemed excited and on the car ride to the party took out pills. I immediately thought

"Ummm no that is not what i need at the moment." The thought past when she said it wasn't anything bad, in the back of my mind i knew it was drugs but i didn't really care i felt like i needed and escape from reality.

My state of mind changed almost immediately after i popped the pill, everything seemed to have a humorous side.