1 Ambient time

The stars painted above me in the grand sky ,were beautiful. it is unknown the number of stars in the silent space, and that's was just incredible, in all the years humans have lived on the planet ,or will live, we will never have an exact number. The chilly breezes that casually drifted by gave a warmth to the atmosphere of the conversation with Mariah. Although just a friend i felt a connection, we had both been through alot and yet here we are. The memories from that night sank deep in my mind. We never talked again after that night, maybe it was because we were afraid of people knowing how broken we truly are ,but it did not matter.

As the new school year crept forward and summer came to its end, I began to text my friends from last year. I strived to get mentally ready, ready to get all the girls and be a damn genius. The year began and it seemed to be going by fast. I made a few friends but nothing truly special. I occasionally glanced over at a girl in my spanish she was truly a work of God. She had curly blonde hair and she had a vivacious personality . She had a great smile and also seemed quiet. Her short self was compensated by her great fashion sense. As the month progressed i didn't think much of her, she seemed out of my league but was too pretty to let go.

I began shifting my sights to a different girl i felt that she wasn't my type she was pretty but not my personal want. I kept to my word and began to talk to many girls it was tuff juggling all these relationships at once but I had no sympathy for the feelings i've hurt. I had been hurt before and didn't care for the future girls I hurt. I felt i didn't care about any it was more of a inner self problem. I often needed the reassurance that i was good and i wasn't as ugly as i felt i was so i kept sort of these pons to tell me i'm good. Lunch seemed like the only easy part of the day. At lunch I occasionally hung out with a new friend i made. He was a African American, 15 year old named Paris. He was kind of awkward but I didn't care my reputation was solid, so hanging with him wouldn't hurt it. The only class we had was football and lunch so that seemed to be the only times we talked. Football was not really hard due to the fact that me and him being lanky and tall the coaches never really gave us a good look.We had a conversation about how rappers had it easy during a football practice. The money they had awed him, I felt it was stupid they made that much money and they wasted it on pointless things.

We spent the practice arguing about how rappers spend money when he had an idea to become a rapper. I offered to help him and he took it the wrong way, as soon as I offered he began to create plans for the songs. I was completely shook by the idea but i let it happen because it seemed fun. The best thing about being a rapper wasn't the fame or the music it was the exposure in the diverse crowds in the school. Although i didn't really wanna be a rapper, being a rapper was fun it seemed to give a certain touch to my personality that I admired.

School began to speed by as a rapper, many said i had to take the role of a rapper which came as no surprise. My first song was a fairly decent song in mine and many others opinion.

The time flew by as we tried making new songs but we never go to it, or at least I didn't. We ended up going to a party.

The ambiance of the house seemed like a heavy cloud of danks smells and liquor. Paris ended up chilling with a group as i was just sitting down on the sofa. I was offered some Xans, and acid from some girls and I wasn't the one to turn down free drugs. A few minutes after popping the pills and acid i began to feel the music distort and fade in and out. Many girls started approaching me which was bad since I had just began talking to Nicole but i felt the need to hang with them. I ended up making out with a girl but after felt shitty and spiraled into my deep inner thoughts. I was confused to why a girl like Nicole, beautiful and nice, would wanna talk to me. I felt obligated to stay loyal and committed to her even before i got to date her, so i avoided other girls. I maybe thought i was probably just a toy to her so she can flirt. Time seemed to pass by fast, Paris had already called us an uber and he had brought some random chick. I as always ended up spinning out and let the remorse of unloyalty hit me leaving me alone. He told the uber to drop me off and in the faded state i was in i felt glad. I found myself climbing on to the roof and letting my thought take me away as i looked at the nights stars.

I began getting closer to nicole and we finally ended up going out on a date. I remember it was a cold cloudy day but the ambiance of being with her made the day feel beautiful. We went to the movies and i felt tense ,because i felt she maybe wanted a type of "friends only" date. She must of caught on because midway in the movie she grabbed my arm and kind of hugged me, I felt a little more eased and happy. The night seemed magical after a while we ended up just holding hands and hugging it seemed more of a couple thing than a sexual relationship. We ended up having a closer tie with each other after that night. I felt happy but yet sad, I couldn't imagine anyone liking me so as i often subconsciously tell myself i'm not enough but when someone beautiful finds something to appreciate in me i realize maybe i'm fantasizing my sadness or lying to myself.

As the date with Nicole came to an end i found myself just thinking in general about the conversation with Mariah, when i arrived home. It sent me spiralling to a deep pit of mental sadness. I felt a void had been a bit more opened up as i let more people in, and after they leave i'll end up emptier than before. The main point of that conversation wasn't for closure or to bond it was just two sad people that couldn't hold on to their emotions anymore. Christmas break had just begun as it was friday, i wasn't happy i didn't know how i felt. I ended up being on the roof for the rest of the afternoon just looking through instagram. I felt sad but there was no reason my friend Paris had came over to drop off some weed he had just bought. In the mood i was in i felt i needed to get my mind off of things. He ended up bringing Xans with the weed so i was grateful. He was in a rush as he had a date tonight so he just dropped off the stuff.

I took 5 Xans and smoked a bit, i wasn't a fan but it was something to do. A few minutes passed and i got a huge wave and began to feel tired. I went to my bed but i couldn't sleep i was just awake but yet sleepy. The night passed slowly and i kept hearing ringing in my ears, it was a lingering annoyance and i was also in pain. I got up at about five thirty in the morning to shower figuring the ringing would disappear after but the shower was a bland unmotivated shower. The world seemed grey and my headache and stomachache got worse. I felt i needed to tell my mom since she was a nurse but i felt nervous that i overdosed. I felt lost as i only remembered appearing in the hospital. The walls seemed desolate and sad. As i walked through the halls i felt despair i began to accept an end. In the room i was placed in the bed was hard and uncomfortable i felt useless. I was sad and i couldn't handle it. I survived and it had felt like a mistake.

Christmas day was sad and empty for me. I usually was a jolly spirited person during christmas but i had changed. I saw the gifts begin to get exchanged and i stood there looking at it all pass by. I was distant thinking of the morning i had gone to the hospital. The gloomy shower the desolate halls. It all stuck in my head. I gladly accepted what i got and avoided small talk. Christmas Break was bad and i was glad i was back in school. As the week went by and friday arrived, It seemed it was a casual day, I felt happy or was it just the fact it was a friday I could not tell. A fight had just been instigated by my friend and although I could have stopped it, i felt curious to see where this led. As soon as the fight broke out i instantly felt happy for letting it happen It seemed like a hamster was fighting a mantis the little hamster to short and the mantis too tall and skinny.

It was 7th period meaning one more period to go, i was happiest at this time of the day because it was when i had class with Nicole and when i got to walk her to class. As i walked her to class I had a short conversation before dropping her off. We stopped to hug like usually but she then looked me in the eyes grabbed me and kissed me on the cheek. I was astonished and happy she had done it. She gave me a big hug and then walked to her class. That sadly was the last time i saw her, the last time I saw anyone at that school.