How we held hands

"Really? Thank you… I really appreciate that… And also... Don't you think it's kinda late for that?" Her smile instantly faded as she realized she couldn't fool me this time… "Or maybe did you plan to mention… Raisins, envelope, and chocolate? Or did you just want to let me forget that?"

"Febbie…" She begged, extending vowels. "Can't we just have a nice conversation after all? I haven't seen you for such a long time…"

"You… You have seen me. I just don't remember that! I don't know what happened! How could I just ignore that?"

Time rolled her eyes theatrically. And then looked at me like she was about to mock me again.

Her eyes were light blue, and one could say they resembled sky in the brightest part of the day, around midday, the sky that was so bright it almost turned white… So white that it almost melted with the clouds…

Or one could say her eyes were like blue flames you could see from time to time in the lighter if the flame was hot enough.

But back then when she looked at me her eyes weren't warm…

"Why do you always need to know everything, huh?"

I felt tears filling my eyes and I couldn't stop them. I always cried when I was angry and Time probably remembered that, because she wasn't surprised when she noticed.

"Oh." She said. "I was just joking, you know..."

"It's fine," I replied with my teeth clenched.

Time smiled as she took her hand out of the pocket and reached out to me.

I felt unimaginably embarrassed unable to stop the tears. My sight was blurred for a moment, but I still saw her blond hair playing with the wind. She never wore hats and scarves. When we were together, I always lent her mine when the weather was gloomy. I never wanted her to catch a cold… And if I did, she would come to my house with chocolate cookies from my favorite place. She never ate them though…

She hated chocolate.

Her eyes followed tears that ran down my face and watched me brush them off.

"I'm sorry… Let's go for a walk, shall we? I will tell you everything this time…"

The winter could have been colder… It was too warm. I didn't need my hands in my pockets so that they wouldn't freeze… Yes, that was true. I could take out my hand and let Time grab it…

And Time smiled a little bit wider when I did.

"Tell me then… But if you lie again or turn the time back if things don't go your way… I won't forgive you this time."

I wondered if it was the truth.

"No! I already told you. I won't lie… I missed you too much…"

Her hand was warm. I knew its shape. The way she squeezed my fingers a little was familiar too.

I waited for her to start talking.

Perhaps it was too hard for her because of that grin. She seemed to have problems with taking it off. Her smile was unnecessary this time, especially considering what she was about to tell me.

"So?"

She sighed.

"I'm ill."

I froze. I looked at her face that now was in between that grin I knew and some unfamiliar grimace of dissatisfaction or sadness.

"What?" I asked.

"I'm not feeling good…"

"What do you mean? Did you go to see a doctor?"

Time chuckled.

"Of course not. It's not that kind of illness. You always have the funniest ideas…"

I hated it when she made me feel so foolish.

"It's a little bit complicated. There is some kind of problem with my powers… I need to use them from time to time unless I want to explode or something… They can't cumulate inside me for too long. I believe I told you that already… But now every time I plug someone a thought into their mind to try to turn back time, I feel even more tired… And my powers… They aren't as strong as before too. You could tell I turned back time, right? That would never happen a month ago or two before… Before this sickness got worse, you know..."

Time was wrong.

It was already happening a month ago… We broke up because of that… Because of her lies. Even so, I couldn't refuse to help her regain strength. I was willing to do whatever it took to…

I wonder if she was the one who made me think that… Or perhaps maybe I was indeed a fool who had that thought even without Time's help.

"That's terrible," I said. "If you're telling the truth, I mean," I added coldly.

She frowned.

"Why would I lie?"

I didn't answer.

If I were, to be honest as she was explaining I started to see her eyebags more clearly. They were darker and bigger than ever. Of course, Time was astonishing, and I knew that I would never see anyone as beautiful as her... Nevertheless… I couldn't deny that now she looked very exhausted. Her hair was a mess and her skin turned pale. She even walked slower and less gracefully than usually… I remembered her walk to be energetic and peppy but now... Time always seemed tired, however, when she explained to me that she was sick, I finally noticed that she indeed never looked very healthy…

Now it just got worse.

"There is a way to cure this illness…There is a medicine." She added. "However, I can't get it alone."

"Why are you telling me this?" I asked and instantly felt guilty. I knew that no matter what I would say now, eventually, I would help her. "Don't you have plenty of friends?"

She blushed.

"Oh… I do… I was afraid they would refuse though… I thought you wouldn't and…"

"Why would they refuse?"

"Getting this medicine… It might get a little bit dangerous."

That was when I realized that Time had no friends at all. As she squeezed my hand, I thought that I might be the only one who could help her, and I knew I couldn't say no just because of that.

And even as I hated to admit it was nice to hold her hand again.