2 March 2019

I believe that the main reason I was in an abusive relationship for so many years is because my mother verbally and physically beat me down MULTIPLE times in my childhood so after a while I began to internalize it, without meaning to I had made it my truth.

I was of the mind that I wasnt enough and would never be enough for anyone, so I chose someone who was my best friend and I put my all into our relationship. Even when I saw that there was no hope of him doing the same for me I still gave him more. I gave so much that i became a shell of my former self, broken in every way. He hit me, I took him back, he cheated I took him back, he stole from me and still I took him back. I was convinced that this was what I deserved, that my mother couldn't be wrong, maybe I was nothing maybe I was noone.

I stayed in that relationship for 8years, my self esteem was shattered, self confidence was nonexistent, I had gotten depressed and gained so much weight that I couldn't recognize myself anymore and that was when my self loathing came into play. She walked into my life so smooth that I didnt even notice her at first but when she decided to get comfortable it was too late for me. I was so depressed that the best solution i could think of was death.

I tried overdosing on pills, tried hanging myself but somehow someone always popped up where they were not needed but now I'm grateful that they showed up. Just as I was starting to work through my mind, here comes Covid 19.