1 Waking Up

There are the times when we want to just stay in our beds and do nothing the whole day. Living a monotonous life does quite a number on people. Living with seemingly no goal in sight, no future to be imagined. Even with the slight reprieve we get, it would soon fade away. With such a life, the questions that arise in our head are far too common.

[What are you living for?]

[What is your goal?]

[Are you sad?]

[Don't you feel guilty being this lazy?]

[Isn't there something more you can do?]

The world is filled with infinite possibilities, yet why does it feel like we are restricted in our options. That fact that the possibilities of our future are endless keeps being hammered into our head but we don't want it to be endless, at the very least, I don't. They all say that the future is yours but why can't I imagine my own future.

…

I open my eyes to see the ever common ceiling I always see everyday. As I slowly rouse my mind up, my body keeps urging me to stay in bed more, the aches in my body aren't helping much. With each passing second, my mind succumbs to the urges of my body. As I slowly drift into another session of deep slumber, my mind hears something…

[Well, doing this again are we? Are you going to laze around all day again? Do you feel good wasting your time? Wake the f*ck up, you lazy piece of sh*t! You have responsibilities to adhere to!]

Constantly my mind hears another voice inside my head. Sometimes I really abhor the sound of that voice, which was quite similar to mine. But is there a reason to hate it? It never said anything that would cause harm to me, it was just reminding me to do what I need to do out of goodwill, although it can sometimes be a little rough.

I open my eyes again and force my body out of the bed. The plain white walls with no decoration to speak of, the yellowed tiles, the single mattress on the floor, the leftover food I left two days ago. Looking at the dull colors of my room, I was reminded of my situation again; A broke graduate student with no hope in life.

Realizing that it was almost the afternoon, I dragged myself to the shared bathroom of my apartment, slowly shuffling inch by inch towards the eventual goal. After I basically force myself past the dingy hallway, I push open the door of the apartment's disgusting moldy bathroom. With a sigh, I walk towards the mirror and look at myself.

Short black hair, a pair of dark brown eyes, an average sized nose, plump lips and large ears. Looking the reflection, I realize again why I was and am still single for the last 22 years. Well, there was one occasion when I did get a girlfriend named Rachel, but I was too overwhelmed by the responsibility of having a partner and that the guilt of tying a nice girl to me when she clearly deserves better than what I am seeing in the mirror caused me to end it right then and there.

As you can imagine, Rachel was surprised since my request to break up came out of nowhere. She thought that we were getting along fine and was even looking forward to the next date. Before the day of the break up, she even showed me her notebook that was filled with ideas for the next date, she wanted me to choose which idea I liked the most with a sunny smile on her face. Looking back at that sunny smile, I felt terrible for what I was about to tell her.

When I told her I wanted to end this relationship, she asked in a fluster, "Rayden, why do you want to break up with me? Did I do something wrong? Why don't we talk this out?"

Looking at her clearly anxious face, I almost couldn't continue with the break up. It made me feel so guilty that such a nice girl like Rachel would want to date a trash like me, but the one time I couldn't be selfish was with Rachel.

Taking two deep breaths, I stared into Rachel's almond eyes and said, "I have my reasons but I just can't say. No, you didn't do anything wrong. You are so perfect that I can't even believe you gave me a chance. But nothing you say right now can change my decision."

Tears started welling up in Rachel's eyes. "Can you at least tell me the reason why?"

Looking at the tear-stained face, my heart broke into a million pieces. "No."

Rachel squatted on the floor with her hands on face. The sight of her crying before me almost cause me to break down and hug her and say sorry. However, I just stood there looking at her with my calm eyes like a truly emotionless b*stard.

After crying her heart out for a few minutes, Rachel slowly stood up and looked at me with a pained smile. She reached out with her hand and caressed my right cheek with her thumb. "I'm sure you have a good reason. Even though you are not telling me, I understand. But can we at least stay as friends?"

Instinctively, I closed my eyes and hold Rachel's face, reminding myself of Rachel's touch again before it all ends. I opened my eyes and said in a shaky tone, "Yes, friends."

Realizing I'm back in the bathroom, I noticed a tear was coming out of my right eye. I gently picked up the tear with my finger and looked at it blankly.

[Oh please. You are crying now? You are the one who left her, remember? You are the one who couldn't handle the mental burden of having a girlfriend. Are you regretting it now? Regretting that you left a good girl for literally no good reason.]

Hearing that voice in my head again, my face froze up before flinging away the tear on my finger. I pick up the toothbrush and squeeze some toothpaste on it. Then, I mechanically brush it over my teeth.

After getting done with the quick shower and changing into some casual wear, I ready myself to face the real world again. With an empty backpack in tow, I push open the door to the outside world.