Deep Breath
(Open POV)
Albert Embankment...
"Fly me to the moon. Let me play among the stars. And let me see what spring is like. On a-Jupiter and Mars. In other words, hold my hand. In other words, baby, kiss me." Jared said, nearby.
On the south side of the River Thames in London, across from Thorney Island and the Houses of Parliament, a crowd is gathered as Big Ben chimes three o'clock and a dinosaur roars at it.
"Come on, out of the way. Move yourself, please. Coming through. That's it. Excuse me, sir." A policeman said.
A trio is escorted through the crowd to a police Inspector.
"Madame Vastra, thank God. I'll wager you've not seen anything like this before." Gregon said.
"Well, not since I was a little girl." Vastra said, happily.
"Big fella, isn't he?"
"Dinosaurs were mostly this size. I do believe it's a she."
"No, they weren't, I've seen fossils."
"I was there."
"Well, that's all well and good, but what's this dinosaur fellow doing in the Thames?" Gregson asked.
The Tyrannosaurus Rex is pacing and bellowing in the river, and still standing taller than the Elizabeth Tower, then known simply as the Clock Tower because of the four clock faces and Big Ben housed within it.
"Fill my heart with song. And let me sing forevermore. You are all I long for. All I worship and adore. In other words, please be true. In other words, I love you." Jared said, still singing nearby.
That makes the dinosaur well over 315 feet or 96 metres tall. Naturally, the crowd screams.
"It must have time travelled. Jenny?" Vastra asked.
Jenny holds up a hand-scanner, which is part of her glove.
"Time travelled?" Gregson asked.
The dinosaur tries to cough something up.
"Is it choking?" Jenny asked.
"There seems to be something lodged in its throat." Vastra said, sadly.
"How could it time travel?"
"I don't know. Perhaps it was something it ate."
The dinosaur manages to dislodge the obstruction in its throat, and a small blue box with a light on top flies out of its mouth to land right way up on the riverbank below the crowd.
"Stand back. Stand back, stand back." Gregson said, pushing his way forward to a better vantage point. "Well, it's just laid an egg."
"It's dropped a blue box marked Police out of its mouth. Your grasp of biology, it troubles me." Vastra said, scoffing.
"It's the TARDIS." Jenny said, frowning.
"It would seem so."
"We'll take care of this, Inspector."
"But what if that thing goes on the rampage?" Gregson asked.
Vastra takes balls with three legs out of a sack, "Place these lanterns on the shoreline and bridges, encircling the creature at twenty foot intervals."
"What will they do?" Gregson asked, taking the balls from Vastra.
"They will emit a signal that will incline it to remain within their circumference. Jenny, Strax. With me." Vastra said.
"Fill my heart with song. Let me sing forevermore. You are all I long for. All I worship and adore. In other words, please be true. In other words, in other words. I love you." Jared said, still singing nearby.
Vastra, Jenny, and Strax go down the stone stairs to the river bank.
"So it's them, then, the Doctor and Jared?" Jenny asked.
"A giant dinosaur from the distant past has just vomited a blue box from outer space." Vastra said.
(Jared's POV)
River bank...
"This is not a day for jumping to conclusions. Strax, if you wouldn't mind?" Vastra asked.
Strax knocks on the Tardis door. It is smeared with sputum from its previous location.
"Hello? Exit the box, and surrender to the glory of the Sontaran empire." Strax said.
A tall grey-haired man opens the door and looks out. Smoke comes out as well.
"Shush." The Doctor said, shutting the door again.
"Doctor?" Strax asked.
The door opens again.
"I was being chased by a giant dinosaur, but I think I managed to give it the slip." The Doctor said, while the door shuts again, then is opened slowly. "Sleepy?"
"Sir?" Strax asked.
"Bashful? Sneezy? Dopey? Grumpy." The Doctor said, seeing the two women and walks towards them. "Oh, you two. The green one and the not-green one. Or it could be the other way round, I mustn't prejudge."
Clara and I appear, very disheveled.
"Not this hoodie! This one is comfy." I said, grabbing Clara's hand.
Clara is wearing a black fitted jacket with an 'outline of bow tie' motif and tartan mini-kilt as I am wearing a hoodie, shorts, and shoes in the essence of Gawr Gura.
"I know. You do love Gura." Clara said, letting out a sigh. "The TARDIS will give you another hoodie of hers."
"Oh, you remember, er. Thingies. The, er, the not-me ones. The asking questions one. And the know-it-all one. Names not my area." The Doctor said.
"Clara and Jared." I said, squeezing Clara's hand.
"Well, it might be Clara and Jared. Might not be. It's a lottery." The Doctor said.
"It is Clara and Jared."
"Well, I'm not ruling it out." The Doctor said, as the dinosaur bellows. "Oi, big man, shut it. Oh, you've got a dinosaur too. Big woman, sorry."
"Doctor, listen to me. You're overworking yourself with your regeneration again. You need to calm down and rest."
"I'm not flirting, by the way." The Doctor said, looking at the dinosaur.
"Jared, I think something's gone wrong." Clara said, sadly.
"Wrong? What's gone wrong? Have you regenerated?" The Doctor asked, looking at Clara. "I remember you. You're Handles. You used to be a little, a little robot head, and now you. You've really let yourself go."
The dinosaur bellows again.
"Reduce the frequency." The Doctor said, looking at Vastra.
"I'm sorry?" Clara asked.
"Your sonic lanterns, turn them down. You're giving her a headache."
"Giving who a headache?" Jenny asked.
"My lady friend. Just an expression, don't get any ideas." The Doctor said, smiling.
"Doctor, it's been ages since I saw this adventure. Ugh. I can't remember everything! How do you know Vastra's sonic lanterns are giving the dinosaur a headache?" I asked, squeezing Clara's hand.
"Come on, Clara. You know that I speak dinosaur." The Doctor said, walking up to me.
"Doctor, Jared's not Clara. I'm Clara." Clara said, letting go of my hand to walk in front of me.
"Well, you're very similar heights." The Doctor said, looking between Clara and I. "Maybe you should wear labels? Why, why are you all doing that? Why are you? You're all going dark and wobbly. Stop that."
"I don't think we are." Clara said, frowning.
"Never mind. Everyone take five." The Doctor said, closing his eyes, sways, then falls over.
"Jared? What do we do?" Clara asked, holding the Doctor and looking up at me.
"I don't understand. Who is he? Where's the Doctor?" Jenny asked.
"Right here. That's him. That's the Doctor."
"Well then, here we go again. Four times for me." I said, looking down at the 12th Doctor wearing the 11th Doctor's clothes. "From the 9th Doctor to the 10th, the 10th Doctor having vanity issues at one point, then from the 10th Doctor to the 11th Doctor. And finally, we have the 11th Doctor regenerating into the 12th Doctor."
Guest bedroom...
Night time, with a full moon. At Vastra's house, the Doctor is now wearing a full length night shirt. Clara, Jenny, and I are listening at the door.
"It's simply misunderstandable to me. I don't know what it is. Who invented this room?" The Doctor asked, opening the door and Clara, Jenny, and I nearly fell inside.
"Doctor, you have to lie down." I said, pulling Clara off the ground. "Please. You've been working yourself too hard."
"It doesn't make sense. Look, it's only got a bed in it. Why is there only a bed in it?" The Doctor asked.
"It's a bedroom, Doctor. It's a room where you sleep in. Or watch some TV before falling asleep, but the television hasn't been invented yet."
"Okay, what do you do when you're awake?"
"You leave the room."
"So you've got a whole room for not being awake in. But what's the point? You're just missing the room. And don't look in that mirror. It's absolutely furious." The Doctor said.
"Doctor, please. You have to lie down. You keep passing out." Clara said, walking up to the Doctor.
"Well, of course I keep passing out. There's all these beds. Why do you keep talking like that? What's gone wrong with your accent? Why..." The Doctor said, looking at Clara.
"Nothing's wrong with her accent." Jenny said, sadly.
"You sound the same. It's spreading. You all sound all English while one of you sounds all American. Now you've all developed a fault."
"Doctor, I need your help with something." Vastra said, with a Scottish accent.
"Finally, someone who can talk properly." The Doctor said, smiling.
"I'm having difficulty sleeping."
"Oh? Oh, well, I wouldn't bother with that, I never bother with sleep, and I just do standy-up catnaps."
"Oh really, how interesting. And when do you do those?"
"Well, generally whenever anyone else starts talking. I like to skip ahead to my bits. It saves time."
Vastra gently leads the Doctor to the bed and they sit down, "Save me time, Doctor. Project an image of perfect sleep into the centre of my mind."
"What, do you want a psychic link with me? The size of my brain, it would be like dropping a piano on you." The Doctor said, frowning.
"Be gentle, then." Vastra said.
"I'll try. Brace yourself. Piano."
They put their fingers to each other's temple. Boing! Doctor falls back onto the bed, sound asleep.
"I love monkeys. They're so funny." Vastra said, going back to her English accent.
"Oh, I see. So people are monkeys now, are they?" Jenny asked.
"No, dear. People are apes. Men who aren't Jared are monkeys." Vastra said.
"Thank you, Vastra." I said, as we tucked the Doctor up in bed.
"It's not a problem, dear."
"So what now?" Clara asked.
"The Doctor needs rest, Clara. When he regenerated from the 10th Doctor to the 11th Doctor, he didn't get rest. He was dealing with Prisoner Zero. This time around, he needs it." I said, happily.
"So what do we do? How do we fix him?" Clara asked.
"Fix him? What do you mean by that, my Impossible Girl?"
"How do we change him back?"
"Jenny, Jared, I will be in my chamber." Vastra said, frowning.
"Got it." I said, sadly.
"Jenny, dear, would you be kind enough to fetch my veil?"
"Why? Are we expecting strangers?" Jenny asked.
"It would seem there's already one here." Vastra said, leaving the bedroom.
"What have I done wrong?" Clara asked.
The sound of a sad dinosaur drifts into the room.
"The dinosaur doesn't seem very happy." Jenny said.
"What's wrong with it?" Clara asked.
"Don't know. The Doctor speaks dinosaur. Not me." I said, letting out a sigh.
"Excuse me, sir, ma'am. The wife doesn't like to be kept waiting." Jenny said, looking between Clara and I.
"Where did he get that face? Why's it got lines on it? It's brand new. How can his hair be all grey? He only just got it." Clara said, walking up to the Doctor to look down at him.
"It's still him, Clara. He's still the Doctor. We saw him regenerate, remember? Inside the TARDIS on Christmas Day." I said, walking up to the other side of the bed to be across from Clara.
"I know. I do. I, I know that."
"That's good, Clara."
"It's just..." Clara said, still fixated on the Doctor.
"What's up?"
"Nothing. Jenny. If. If Vastra changed, if she was different, if she wasn't the person that you liked?" Clara asked, looking up at Jenny.
"I don't like her, ma'am. I love her. And as to different? Well, she's a lizard." Jenny said.
Clara and I go to the window and hear the moaning dinosaur.
"I am alone. The world which shook at my feet, and the trees and the sky, have gone. And I am alone now. Alone." The Doctor said, translating for the dinosaur.
"Oh, Doctor. What are you translating?" I asked, grabbing Clara's hand. "It's the dinosaur."
"The wind bites now, and the world is grey, and I am alone here. Can't see me. Doesn't see me. Can't see me."
"Who can't see it? I think all of London can see it." Clara said, and I squeezed her hand.
"Boy? Girl? Madame Vastra is waiting." Strax said.
"Okay. Whatever."
"I will convey the two of you to her chamber. May I take your coats?" Strax asked.
"We're not wearing coats." I said, rolling my eyes.
"What's all that?" Strax asked, looking between Clara and I.
"Clothes." Clara said.
"May I take both of your clothes?"
"Probably not."
"Are either of you wearing hats?"
"They're hair."
"No, I think they're hats. Would you like me to check?"
(Open POV)
Vacuo / Vastra's chamber...
"Sorry about dropping you girls back in Vacuo." Jared said, his iPhone near his ear.
"Well, Ruby has been reckless ever since we got back." Yang said.
"Reckless?"
"Oh. We'll tell you later." Weiss said, scoffing.
"So, my Little Red has become my Impossible Girl a year early." Jared said, laughing a lot.
"Jared. This isn't a laughing matter. This is serious!" Blake said, angrily.
"Wasn't this the exact reason why Clara ended up dead? From what you told us." Yang said.
"It is." Jared said, sadly.
"So get your head back in the game. How can we help Ruby?" Weiss asked.
"I don't know. This is beyond what I know." Jared said, sadly.
"You can't help us. That's what you're saying." Yang said, frowning.
"I didn't say that."
"How do we help her? Ruby's been going on these missions with us around Vacuo. Getting herself almost killed." Blake said.
"And with us as collateral damage." Weiss said.
"Oh. I got to go." Jared said, ending the call with Weiss, Blake, and Yang.
"Wait." Jared said, hearing the end call button on her Scroll. "He hung up!"
Vastra's chamber...
Jared placed his iPhone 15 Pro Max back inside his pocket. He is in a conservatory with Clara, Vastra, and Jenny. Vastra is sitting in her peacock chair. A fountain is playing.
"And then?" Vastra asked.
"Why are you wearing your veil?" Clara asked, looking at Vastra.
"And then?"
"And then we got swallowed by a big dinosaur. You probably noticed."
"How did it happen?"
"I don't know. I don't know. We were crashing about everywhere. The Doctor was gone. Jared sent Team RWBY back to Remnant. The TARDIS went haywire." Clara said, sadly.
"The Doctor's not gone, Clara. He's upstairs." Jared said, happily.
"Okay, he changed." Clara said, frowning.
"He regenerated. Renewed himself." Vastra said.
"Renewed. Fine." Clara said, grabbing Jared's hand.
"Such a cynical smile."
"I'm not smiling."
"Not outwardly. But I'm accustomed to seeing through a veil. How have I amused you?"
"You said renewed. He doesn't. He doesn't look renewed. He looks older."
"You thought he was young?" Vastra asked.
"He looked young." Clara said, squeezing Jared's hand.
"He looked like one of your dashing young gentlemen friends. One of your lovers, even."
"Shut up." Clara said, laughing a lot.
"But he is the Doctor. He has walked this universe for centuries untold, longer than Jared has, he has seen stars fall to dust. You might as well flirt with a mountain range."
"I did not flirt with him."
"Clara, he flirted with you as he did with River Song." Jared said, rolling his eyes.
"How?" Clara asked.
"Well, he looked young. Who do you think that was for?"
"Jared, was it for us?"
"Yes. Why do you think I was so comfortable around the Eleventh Doctor? It was because he was my first Doctor. And I didn't want to lose him yet. It was for everyone, Clara. The Ponds, River Song, and us."
"Jared's right, Clara. I wear a veil as he wore a face for the same reason." Vastra said.
"What reason?" Clara asked.
"The oldest reason there is for anything. To be accepted." Vastra said.
Up in the guest bedroom, the Doctor wakes and sniffs the air. He gets out of bed and crawls around on the carpet, sniffing. He goes to the radiator and finds a piece of chalk which he uses to make marks on it.
"Jenny and I are married. Yet for appearance's sake, we maintain a pretence, in public, that she is my maid." Vastra said.
"Doesn't exactly explain why I'm pouring tea in private." Jenny said, pouring tea into four cups.
"Hush now."
"Good pretence, isn't it?"
"I wear a veil to keep from view what many are pleased to call my disfigurement. I do not wear it as a courtesy to such people, but as a judgment on the quality of their hearts."
"Are you judging me?" Clara asked.
"The Doctor regenerated in your presence. The young man disappeared, the veil lifted. He trusted you. Are you judging him?" Vastra asked, looking at Clara.
"How dare you? How dare you?" Clara asked.
Guest bedroom...
The Doctor is writing on the floorboards. He stands when he hears the dinosaur, then goes to the door and opens it.
"Door. Boring. Not me." The Doctor said, going to the window and opens it. "Me."
Vastra's chamber...
"Marcus Aurelius, Roman emperor. Last of the five good 'uns. Stoic philosopher." Clara said.
"Superlative bass guitarist for the Doctor and amazing guitarist for Jared. The Doctor and Jared really know how to put their respective bands together." Vastra said.
"And the only pin-up I ever had on my wall when I was fifteen. The only one I ever had. I am not sure who you think you're talking to right now, Madame Vastra, but I have never had the slightest interest in pretty young men. And for the record, if there ever was anybody who could flirt with a mountain range, she's probably standing in front of you right now. Just because my pretty face has turned your head, do not assume that I am so easily distracted." Clara said.
Vastra is no longer wearing her veil. Jenny and Jared applauds.
"Whoo. Whoo. Sorry." Jenny said, happily.
"I thought Rose trying to accept the Tenth Doctor was bad. But this was much worse." Jared said, letting out a sigh.
"Well, goodness me. The lake is ruffled at last. I often wondered what you'd be like when you lost your temper." Vastra said, looking at Clara.
"Oi. Married." Jenny said, annoyed.
"The Doctor needs us, Clara, you and Jared more than anyone. He is lost in the ruin of himself, and we must bring him home."
"When did you stop wearing your veil?" Clara asked.
"When you stopped seeing it." Vastra said.
Rooftops...
The Doctor is making his way towards the river.
"Oi. Oi. Oi, big, sexy woman. Oi. Sorry. Sorry, it's all my fault. My time machine got stuck in your throat. It happens. I brought you along by accident. That's mostly how I meet girls, but don't worry, I promise I will get you home. I swear. Whatever it takes, I will keep you safe. You will be at home again." The Doctor said, while the dinosaur suddenly bursts into flames. It roars in pain before collapsing. "Stop that. Who's doing that? No, don't do that."
Vastra's chamber...
"Shit. I forgot about that. It came from the Thames." Jared said, looking between Clara, Vastra, and Jenny.
"The dinosaur." Jenny said, sadly.
"Strax! Bring the carriage, now!" Vastra yelled.
Street...
The Doctor leaps from a roof into a tree. The upper bough breaks under the strain, dropping him down.
"Argh. Argh. Oh." The Doctor said, finishing hanging upside down from the lowest branch by his knees. A hansom cab, or growler, trots into his view. "Halt. Sorry, I'm going to have to relieve you of your pet."
"You're what?" The cabbie asked.
"Shut up, I was talking to the horse." The Doctor said, somersaulting on to the horse's back and uses his sonic screwdriver to sever the traces and reins.
"What are you doing?"
"Forwards." The Doctor said, gallops off.
Madame Vastra's carriage driven by Strax goes past the stranded cabbie.
"Out of the way, human scum. Hi-yah. Jurassic emergency. Yah." Strax said.
The Doctor is cantering along the cobbles, "Left. No, no. Right, right, right, right. Sorry, it's my new hands. I can't tell them apart."
Vastra's carriage...
"What do you think's happened?" Jenny asked.
"I don't know, but I fear devilment." Vastra said.
"Should we not have told the Doctor?" Clara asked.
"Clara, he's not ready to leave his bed. He's still within the first fifteen hours of his regeneration." Jared said, looking over at Clara.
Street...
"Watch it on the corners, it's a bit slippery up here." The Doctor said.
(Jared's POV)
Vastra's carriage...
"Strax." Vastra said, while Strax is urging on the horse. "Come on, Strax." The Sontaran cracks the whip. "That's better."
Westminster Bridge...
The Doctor dismounts and stands on the parapet over the burning remains, muttering to himself, "Sorry, sorry. I'm sorry, sorry, sorry."
Strax brings the carriage to a halt behind him, and the ladies and I get out.
"Whoa." Strax said.
"The Doctor." Jenny said.
"What's he doing here?" Clara asked.
Vastra secures her carriage using the remote control in her hat.
"Well, there's trouble, Clara. Where else would the Doctor be?" I asked, grabbing Clara's hand.
"She was scared. She was scared and alone. I brought her here and look what they did." The Doctor said, sadly.
"Who or what could have done this thing?" Vastra asked.
"No."
"I'm sorry?"
"No. That is not the question. That is not where we start."
"The question is how. The flesh itself has been combusted." Strax said.
"No, no, shut up. What do you all have for brains, pudding? Look at you. Why can't I meet a decent species? Planet of the pudding brains." The Doctor said, annoyed.
"Doctor, I know you're upset, but you need to calm down and talk to us. What is the question?" Clara asked.
"Oh. I got it. Enough time by being around Sherlock. There's a dinosaur burning in the heart of London. All that is left of the dinosaur is smoke and a massive fire. Vastra, the Doctor and I have been wondering. Have there been any similar murders?" I asked, looking over at Vastra.
"Yes. Yes, by the Goddess, there have." Vastra said, happily.
"Look at them all, gawking." The Doctor said.
"If the people of Victorian London are watching the dinosaur being burnt. Then what is he?" I asked, and one man was walking away calmly.
"He seems remarkably unmoved by the available spectacle." Vastra said, frowning.
"Do you think that is whoever..." Clara said, and there is a splash with the Doctor no longer standing on the parapet. "What's he doing? He'll drown."
"I very much doubt it." Vastra said, smirking.
"Why?"
"There has been a murder. The Doctor has taken up the case. If we are to see him again, we must do the same."
Clara's bedroom...
Next day. Clara pours water into a bowl on her washstand.
"Come on, Earthling scum. Position it here. Easy now. That's it. Careful." Strax said, nearby.
Clara opens the window onto the courtyard. A cart has brought the Tardis from the river bank.
"Don't get it scratched or you and all your bloodline will be obliterated from time and space." Strax said.
"Very good, sir." The footman said.
Clara leans out, "Strax! Jared!"
Courtyard...
"Morning Clara. You're finally awake!" I said, excitedly.
"You both got the Tardis, then?" Clara asked.
"Yup. The Doctor's still missing. Knowing him, he'll always come back to the TARDIS."
"Jared's right. By bringing it here, he will be lured from the dangers of London to this place of safety, and we will melt him with acid." Strax said, smiling.
"Okay, that last part?" Clara asked.
"And we will not melt him with acid. Old habits." Strax said, frowning.
"Clara, I have the latest newspaper. Want me to give a copy to you?" I asked, holding the newspaper.
"Yeah, why not?" Clara asked.
I ran inside, with the newspaper in my hand.
Staircase...
Clara is dressed and coiffured in the late Victorian style. She meets Jenny and I as we come up the stairs.
"Jenny. Jared." Clara said, looking between Jenny and I.
"Ah, good morning, Clara." Jenny said.
"Morning. Here's the paper." I said, handing Clara the newspaper. "If I didn't give it to you this way. Strax would have hit you with it."
"Ouch." Clara said, grabbing the newspaper from me. "Morning. Jenny and Jared. Er, so, what are we going to do? Are we looking for the Doctor?"
"We've got the Paternoster Irregulars out in force. If anyone can find him, they can. Meanwhile, Madame Vastra is slightly occupied by the Conk-Singleton forgery case, and is having the Camberwell child poisoner for dinner." Jenny said.
"Oh. I can't wait to do the Conk-Singleton forgery case with Sherlock and John in the modern day." I said, grabbing Clara's hand. "Hang on, Vastra is having the Camberwell child poisoner for dinner?"
"After she's finished interrogating him. Probably best to stay out the larder. It'll get a bit noisy in there later." Jenny said, smiling.
"Oh." Clara said, as I squeezed her hand.
Kitchen...
Strax is mopping the floor, "Ah, Miss Clara, Mister Jared. The two of you look better now you're up."
"Thank you, Strax." Clara said, happily.
"Thanks. I really appreciate it." I said, looking down at my bow tie and tweed jacket.
"Oh, sorry. Trick of the light. Both of you still look terrible. Can I get either of you anything?" Strax asked, looking between Clara and I.
"Er, no, thanks. Maybe just some water." Clara said.
"Same." I said, rolling my eyes.
"Of course." Strax said, putting the mop bucket on the table. "Well, don't hold back. I've nearly finished anyway."
"Er..." Clara said, at a loss for words.
"It's perfectly all right. I washed in it myself."
"All of a sudden, I'm not very thirsty." Clara said, sadly.
"Me too." I said, frowning.
"Really? Perhaps it is time, then." Strax said, taking out a monocle like device with three lenses, and shines a green light into Clara's eye. "For your mandatory medical examination. Say ah."
"Ah." Clara said, opening her mouth.
"You didn't move your lips."
"You're looking at my eye."
"Oh. Oh yes, there we are. Easy mistake." Strax said, aiming the light at Clara's forehead. "Now that's interesting."
"What? What's interesting?" Clara asked.
"Deflected narcissism. Traces of passive aggressive. And a lot of muscular young men doing sport."
"Strax? What are you looking at?" I asked, grabbing Clara's hand.
"Miss Clara's subconscious. Is that sport? It could be sport." Strax said, smiling.
Clara flicks down the lens, "Well, stop looking."
"Moving onto the thorax, such as it is." Strax said, as the green light makes Clara's ribcage visible. "Ah, excellent. Enviable spleen. Well done. Twenty seven years old, with a projected lifespan of exactly..."
"Stop right there." Clara said.
"Oh, you're going to do quite well. But watch out for fluid retention later. It's going to be spectacular. Well, Miss Clara, put your clothes back on."
"They are on."
"Oh yes, so they are."
Clara takes his scanner from Strax and puts it on the table, "Why are you doing this?"
"If we are to serve together, I need both of you in peak physical prowess, eh?" Strax asked, punching Clara's arm.
"Ow." Clara said, rubbing her arm. "Why would we be serving together? The Doctor's going to come back, isn't he?"
"Well, I do hope he comes back. The timeline is changing with me being here." I said, sadly.
"I know. Jared, he's not just going to abandon us here." Clara said, looking at me.
"You must stop worrying about him, my boy, my girl. By now, he's almost certainly had his throat cut by the violent poor." Strax said, looking between Clara and I.
(Open POV)
Alleyway...
The Doctor is in Bermondsey near the Clink and Southwark Cathedral, still in his now very dirty nightshirt, is rummaging in the rubbish. He is watched by a smelly tramp in a thick coat, who is holding a beer bottle. The Doctor finds a broken mirror.
The Doctor turns at the sound of the tramp throwing away his bottle, "Bitey. The air, it's bitey. It's wet, and bitey."
"Oh, it's cold." Barney said, frowning.
"That's right. It's cold. It's cold, I knew it was a thing. I need um, I need clothes. I need clothes, that's what I need. And a big, long scarf. No, no, move on from that. Looked stupid. Er, have you seen this face before?" The Doctor asked.
"No."
"Are you sure?"
"Sir, I have never seen that face."
"It's funny, because I'm sure that I have. You know, I never know where the faces come from. They just pop up. Zap. Faces like this one. Come on, look at it, have a look, come on, look, look, look." The Doctor said, pulling Barney over to look in the mirror on the ground. "Look, it's covered in lines. But I didn't do the frowning. Who frowned me this face? Do you ever look in the mirror and think I've seen that face before?"
"Yes." Barney said, happily.
"Really? When?"
"Well, every time I look in the mirror."
"Oh, yes, yes, yes. Fair enough. Good point. My face is fresh on, though."
"Er..." Barney said, moving away from the nutter in the nightshirt.
"Why this one? Why did I choose this face? It's like I'm trying to tell myself something. Like I'm trying to make a point. But what is so important that I can't just tell myself what I'm thinking?" The Doctor asked.
"Er..."
"I'm not just being rhetorical here. You can join in."
"I don't like it."
"What?"
"Your face."
"Well, I don't like it either. Well, it's all right up until the eyebrows. Then it just goes haywire. Look at the eyebrows. These are attack eyebrows. You could take bottle tops off with these." The Doctor said, happily.
"They are mighty eyebrows indeed, sir." Barney said.
"They're cross. They're crosser than the rest of my face. They're independently cross. They probably want to secede from the rest of my face and set up their own independent state of eyebrows. That's Scot. I am Scottish. I've gone Scottish?"
"Oh yes, you are. You are definitely Scots, sir. I, I 'ear it in your voice."
"Oh no, that's good. Oh." Barney said, practicing the long rolling Scottish 'oh' sound. "It's good I'm Scottish. I'm Scottish. I am Scottish. I can complain about things, I can really complain about things. Now, give me your coat."
"No."
"I am cold."
"I'm cold."
"I'm cold. There's no point in us both being cold. Give me your coat. Give me your coat. No, wait. Shut up, shut up. Shut up. I missed something. It was here, it was here. It was. What was it I saw? What did I see?" The Doctor asked, picking up an old newspaper. "This is what I saw. Spontaneous combustion."
Fourth case of spontaneous combustion. The death of Margaret Roberts occurred on Friday, outside her home address in London, in what the police are describing as a curious case of spontaneous combustion. She was aged 68 years. Born in Scotland, Mrs Roberts etc, etc.
"What devilry is this, sir?" Barney asked.
"I don't know, but I probably blame the English." The Doctor said, scoffing.
(Jared's POV)
Vastra's chamber...
Vastra is working at a large wood backed panel on an easel with me while Jenny holds an awkward pose in her corset and a shawl, "Hmm. Spontaneous combustion."
"Is that like love at first sight?" Jenny asked.
"Hmm. A little. It is the theory that human beings can, with little or no inducement, simply explode." Vastra said.
"You don't need to flirt with me. We're already married."
"It's scientific nonsense, of course."
"Marriage?"
"At least you two are married. John has married. Anyway, there have been nine reported incidents of people exploding in the last month." I said, happily.
"And you think they weren't spontaneous." Jenny said, sadly.
"Well, whoever killed the dinosaur had at least nine previous victims. And they all died the same way, Jenny."
Vastra turns the easel to reveal newspaper cuttings, a map of London, and lines linking them up.
"I thought you were painting me, dear." Jenny said, looking at Vastra.
"I was working with Jared." Vastra said.
"Well, why am I posing then?"
"Well, you brighten the room tremendously. Chin up a little."
"Oh, I don't understand why I'm doing this."
"Art? Now, why destroy the victims so completely? It's difficult, it draws attention. What advantage is to be gained?"
"Well, tell us, then."
"Maybe it's a cover-up. Maybe they're hiding something?" I asked, looking at the easel.
"Concealment?" Jenny asked.
"It's a fanciful theory, but it fits the facts. By destroying the body so completely, you conceal what is missing from it." Vastra said.
"Missing from the body?" Jenny asked.
"Madame Vastra!" Clara said, happily bursting into the room.
"Clara, excellent. Pop your clothes on that chair there." Vastra said.
"Look." Clara said, showing Vastra and I the Times newspaper.
"Clara, it's just advertisements. Nothing to see here. There's so many here." I said, frowning.
"I agree, Jared. It's a distressing modern trend." Vastra said.
"No, look. Look." Clara said, while there is one advert in the personal column says - Impossible Girl. Lunch on the other side?
"Ma'am?" Jenny asked.
"The game is afoot. We're going to need a lot of tea." Vastra said, ringing the bell.
Later, Strax is pouring it out.
"There appears to be nothing of significance in the rest of the newspaper. Not even in the agony column." Vastra said.
"Well, we can't know it's from the Doctor. Time can be rewritten due to my presence here." I said, sadly.
"Of course it's from the Doctor. The Impossible Girl, that's what he calls me along with you, Jared." Clara said, looking at me.
"Well, the Doctor wants to go out for lunch. But not when or where."
"On the other side? The other side of London? Bit vague." Jenny said, sadly.
"The other side of regeneration, perhaps, once he's recovered?" Vastra asked.
"So what am I supposed to do, guess where we're meeting?" Clara asked.
"Perhaps that's the point. Perhaps you're supposed to prove that you still know him. Think what that must mean for a man who barely knows himself." Vastra said.
"It doesn't makes sense. He doesn't do puzzles. He isn't complicated. Really doesn't have the attention span. So, keeping it dead simple. On the other side." Clara said, holding the page up to the light.
There is another advert directly behind Clara's, so the Impossible Girl turns it over to read it with me. Mancini's Family Restaurant, the Best Dinner in London.
Mancini's...
Clara and I crossed the street and we looked up at the building, which is just as depicted in the advert. We go inside and sit by ourselves on a curved bench seat in a wall alcove, with a small round table in front of it. The restaurant has other customers, but is very quiet. Clara examines the advert again with me, then sniffs. Then I cough as Clara fans the air with the paper. Our companion is wearing a noisome coat.
"What's wrong?" The Doctor asked.
"Don't know. Might be the smell." I said, sadly.
"I know. It's everywhere."
"So, um, where did you get that coat?"
"Er, ahem, I bought it." The Doctor said.
"From where?" Clara asked.
"Er, a shop?"
"Nope. Doctor, you couldn't have bought it from a shop." I said, rolling my eyes.
"Might have been a tramp." The Doctor said.
"How could you? You don't have any money."
"Er, I had a watch."
"No. That watch was beautiful." Clara said, frowning.
"It was my favourite."
"You swapped your favourite watch for that coat. That's maybe not a good deal."
"Well, I was in a hurry. There was a terrible smell."
"Okay. You did jump into the Thames. Of course there would be a horrible smell afterwards." I said, grabbing Clara's hand.
The Doctor smiles and laughs a little.
"No. No, don't. Don't. Don't. Don't smile. I will smile first and then you and Jared know it's safe to smile." Clara said.
"Are you cross with me?" The Doctor asked.
"I am not cross. But if I was cross it would be your fault and...yes, I am cross."
"I guessed that."
"I am extremely cross."
"And if I hadn't changed my face, would you be cross?"
"I would be cross if I wasn't cross."
"Why?"
"Why wouldn't Clara be mad? Someone normal wants to meet someone they know very well for lunch. What would they do?" I asked, looking at the Doctor.
"Well, they probably get in touch and suggest lunch." The Doctor said.
"Mmm hmm. Okay, so what sort of person would put a cryptic note in, in a newspaper advert?" Clara asked.
"Well, I wouldn't like to say."
"Oh, go on, do say."
"Well, I would say that that person would be an egomaniac, needy, game-player sort of person."
"Ah, thank you. Well, at least that hasn't changed." Clara said, happily.
"And I don't suppose it ever will." The Doctor said, smiling.
"Nope. I don't suppose it will, either. The three of us together!" I said, excitedly.
"Clara, Jared, honestly, I don't want either of you to change. It was no bother, really. I saw your advert, I figured it out. I'm happy to play your game."
"No. No, no. We didn't place the ad. You placed the ad." Clara said, looking at the Doctor.
"No, I didn't." The Doctor said.
"Yes, you placed the ad, we figured it out." Clara said, taking out the newspaper to show to the Doctor. "Impossible Girl, see? Lunch."
"No, look, the Impossible. That is a message from the Impossible Girl and Jared calls you the Impossible Girl."
"For the Impossible Girl."
"Ooo."
"Oh."
"Well, if none of us placed that ad, who placed that ad?" The Doctor asked.
"I know it couldn't have been Jack and I." I said, letting go of Clara's hand. "The decade is right. But he and I are in Cardiff, not London."
"Fair point."
"Hang on. Egomaniac, needy, game-player?" Clara asked.
"Well, this could be a trap." I said, crossing my arms.
"That was me?"
"Never mind that." The Doctor said.
"Yes, I am minding that."
"Clara."
"You were talking about me?"
"Clara, what is happening right now in this restaurant to the three of us is more important than your egomania."
"Nothing is more important than my egomania."
"Right, you actually said that."
"You never mention that again."
"It's a vanity trap. You're so busy congratulating yourself on solving the puzzle, you don't notice that you're sticking your head in a noose." The Doctor said.
"What are you doing?" Clara asked, as the Doctor pulls a hair from his head. "And that isn't the only grey one, if you are, er, having a cull."
"Do you have a problem with the Doctor having gray hair?" I asked, looking at Clara.
"If I got new hair and it was grey, I would have a problem."
"Yeah, I bet you would." The Doctor said, scoffing.
"Meaning?" Clara asked.
"It's too short." The Doctor said, pulling a hair from Clara's head.
"Ow."
"Sorry, it was the only one out of place. I'm sure that you would want it killed."
"Ooo. Are you trying to tell me something? Is that why Jared suddenly became quiet?"
"The Doctor is trying to measure the air disturbance in the room." I said, grabbing Clara's hand again.
"Right. Doctor, these are moments when you know you are boring." Clara said, looking at the Doctor.
The Doctor holds the hair below the table edge and lets it go with it falling slowly downwards, "There is something extremely wrong with everybody else in this room."
"Mmm. Basically, don't you always think that?" Clara asked.
"Look at them. Don't look."
"You just said to look."
"Clara, look at them from the corner of your eye." I said, letting out a sigh.
"They look fine to me. They're just eating." Clara said.
"Are they really eating?" I asked, and a soup spoon was repeatedly brought up to the mouth and lowered again, still full. Knives and forks lift and fall over plates. "What do you think?"
"Okay, no. No, they're not eating."
"Well, there's something else they're not doing." I said, while another short grey hair from the Doctor fell to the floor. "They're not breathing."
"What do we do?" Clara asked, looking between the Doctor and I.
"Well, you don't want to eat, do you?" The Doctor asked.
"Hmm. Slightly lost my appetite. Ahem. How long before they notice that we're different?"
"It won't take them too long." I said, sadly.
"Anything we can do?" Clara asked.
"How long can you hold your breath?" The Doctor asked.
"We could just casually stroll out of here, like we've changed our minds."
"That works." I said, happily.
"Happens all the time." The Doctor said.
"Ha. Course it does." Clara said, smiling.
We stand. The other diners stop and stand with a clatter of clockwork. We take a step, the diners move towards us.
"We could take another look at the menu." Clara said, as we sat down again and the diners returned to their tables. "What are they?"
"I don't know. But don't worry, because that's not the question. The question is, what is this restaurant?" The Doctor asked.
"So, what is this restaurant?" I asked, looking at the Doctor.
"I don't know." The Doctor said, and we looked at the small menus when a waiter appeared at our table. "Er, no sausages? Do you? And there's no pictures either. Do you have a children's menu?" The waiter shines a small green light at me from the tip of his pencil. "Any specials?"
"Liver." The waiter said.
"I don't like liver."
"Spleen. Brain stem. Eyes."
"Mmm. Is there a lot of demand for those?" Clara asked.
"I don't think that is what is on the menu. I think we are the menu." I said, frowning.
"Lungs. Skin." The waiter said.
"Excuse me." The Doctor said, reaching up and pulling off the waiter's face.
There is a metal mesh beneath with a flame behind it.
"Okay. Robot in a mask." Clara said.
"It's a face." The Doctor said.
"Yeah, it's very convincing."
The Doctor puts it over Clara's face, "No, it's a face."
"Oh!" Clara said, throwing the face down.
"Yes." The waiter said.
"Yes, what?" The Doctor asked.
"Yes, we have a children's menu."
"Shit." I said, while metal arms come out of the back of the bench and hold us tightly around the arms and legs. "I forgot about this."
They are very nice arms, with hands on the end to clasp together firmly. Then the bench descends.
"You've got to admire their efficiency." The Doctor said, smirking.
"Is it okay if we don't?" Clara asked.
We cry out as we go down.
Spaceship...
A large steampunk circular place, all brass and rivets. There are various people standing still in small alcoves around the wall, and the half-face man is seated in a chair in the centre.
"Hello? Hello, are you the manager? I demand to speak to the manager." The Doctor said, annoyed.
"This is not a real restaurant, is it?" Clara asked.
"Nope. It isn't." I said, sadly. "Well, it was."
"Well now, it's more a sort of automated organ collection station for the unwary diner. Sweeney Todd without the pies." The Doctor said.
"So where are we now?" Clara asked.
"Factually? An ancient spaceship, probably buried for centuries. Functionally? A larder." The Doctor said.
"So why hasn't somebody come for us?"
"We're alive. For one." I said, frowning.
"We're alive in a larder." Clara said, looking between the Doctor and I.
"Yup. It's cheaper than freezing us."
"Okay."
The Doctor has shaken his sonic screwdriver out from under his coat, "Are you ready?"
"Go for it." Clara said.
"Don't let it roll away." The Doctor said.
"No."
"We've got one shot at this."
"Next time, make one that doesn't roll."
"Yup. Make one that doesn't roll and is TARDIS blue." I said, smiling.
"Go." The Doctor said, managing to shake the sonic screwdriver onto the floor near Clara's feet. "Have you got it?"
"I can only just about reach it." Clara said, trying to reach the sonic screwdriver.
"Oh, it's at times like this I miss Amy." The Doctor said, letting out a sigh.
"Who?"
"Amy's the Doctor's mother in law. As I said, she was my best friend." I said, sadly.
Clara gathers the screwdriver between her feet and aims upwards it at the Doctor, "Ready?"
"Don't miss." The Doctor said, while Clara flicks the sonic screwdriver up into his lap. He winces. "Oh."
"Sorry, did I hit something?" Clara asked.
"Oh, the symbolism." The Doctor said, getting the screwdriver into his hands and unfastens his bonds with it, then Clara's, and finally mine.
"You should make that thing voice-activated. Oh, for God's sake, it is, isn't it?" Clara asked.
"I don't want to talk about it." The Doctor said, frowning.
"Doctor?" I asked, looking at a Chinaman in the nearest alcove. "What's wrong with him?"
"Dormant."
"How do you know?" Clara asked.
"I don't. I'm just hoping." The Doctor said.
We tiptoe away.
"So, is it these guys that killed the dinosaur?" Clara asked.
"Well, if they're harvesting organs, a dinosaur would have some great stuff." The Doctor said.
"Why would robots need organs? Burke and Hare from space?"
"No, but that's a good theory. Droids harvesting spare parts. That rings a bell." The Doctor said, staring at the Half-Face Man in the chair in the middle. "Captain, my Captain."
"Can he see us?" Clara asked.
"Dormant."
"Hoping? Why are you hoping?" I asked, grabbing the Doctor's hand.
"Yep. Oh, look. He's recharging. He's asleep. Doesn't even know we're here." The Doctor said, looking at the Half-Face Man.
"Are you sure?" Clara asked.
"Sure. Not sure. One or the other."
"Okay. So, half-man, half-robot. A cyborg, yeah?"
"Oh."
"Oh?"
"Oh." The Doctor, Clara, and I said, at the same time.
"Look at the hands, Clara." I said, letting out a sigh.
"What about them?" Clara asked.
"Just look at them."
"I'm looking."
"Ugh. You're not looking hard enough. They don't match. These hands don't belong to the same body."
One hand on the Half-Face Man is large and fleshy, a workman's hand. The other is slim and dainty, never scrubbed a floor in its life.
"I don't understand." Clara said.
"Well, I don't blame you. See this, this is not your normal cyborg. This isn't a man turning himself into a robot. This is a robot turning himself into a man, piece by piece." The Doctor said.
"That's what the restaurant's for."
"Well, it would need a constant supply of spare parts. You can tan skin, but organs rot. Some of that metalwork looks Roman. Wonder how long it's been around, how much of the original is even left? The eyeballs look very fresh, though."
The arms move. We jump back.
"Ah." Clara said, when the Half-Face Man takes hold of the chair arms, and clockwork whirrs. "Is it awake?"
"It's waking up. Come along, Oswald." I said, as we tiptoed away, then ran through a doorway into a brightly lit corridor.
The Doctor turns back, "I've seen this before. I'm missing something."
"Doctor." Clara said, sadly.
"It's the brand new head, rebooting." The Doctor said, and I squeezed his hand.
"Come on."
"I've seen this before."
"Oh, hurry up. Get out." Clara said, returning and pushing the Doctor and I through the doorway as the Half-Face Man raises his arm and touches his palm.
The door comes down between the Doctor, Clara, and I. The Time Lord tries to sonic it open.
"Doctor. Quickly." Clara said, while the door lifts a short way.
The Half-Face Man is unplugging himself from his chair.
"Sorry, the Doctor was too slow. There's no point in them catching us three." I said, letting out a sigh.
"Well, give me the screwdriver." Clara said, annoyed.
"Jared and I might need it." The Doctor said, closing the door fully and leaving Clara behind with me being dragged away by him.
(Open POV)
"No. Doctor? Jared?" Clara asked, as the Half-Face Man goes to the bench seat, then turns and looks for its occupants.
Clara tries standing very still in a recess as the other occupants of the alcoves become active. One man opens the door and stands next to it.
"Well, there's something else they're not doing." Jared said, as a memory. "They're not breathing."
"How long can you hold your breath?" The Doctor asked, as a memory.
Clara takes a deep breath and holds it as the Half-Face Man walks towards her. He stops and tilts his head as the gears grind, then turns away. A tear rolls down Clara's face. The other robots move, so she imitates their stilted walk and goes through the open door into the bright passageway. She runs around the corner but just sees more robots waiting and the passage going on and on. Her lungs are bursting, so she takes a breath and falls to her knees. She passes out.
"Bring her." The Half-Face Man said.
A bald robot picks her up. Clara dreams about her first day teaching at Coal Hill School. The class were completely out of control and laughing at her.
"All right, stop. Stop. Stop it, all of you, now." Clara said, as a memory.
"Ha, ha. It's her first day." A boy said, as a memory.
Clara is laid on the ground in front of the Half-Face Man in his chair.
"If you don't stop it, I'm going to have each and every single one of you kicked out of this school." Clara said, as a memory.
A dark girl's face looms.
"Go on, then. Do it." Courtney said, as a memory.
Clara wakes up.
"Where are the other ones? There were others. Where are they? Where are the others? You will tell us, or you will be destroyed." The Half-Face Man said.
"What did you say?" Clara asked.
"You will tell us."
"Yeah, I know. Or what?"
"You will die."
"Go on, then. Do it." Courtney said, as a memory.
Clara stands, "Go on, then. Do it. I'm not going to answer any of your questions, so you have to do it. You have to kill me. Threats don't work unless you deliver."
"You will tell us where the other ones are." The Half-Face Man said.
"Nope." Clara said, frowning.
"You will be destroyed."
"Destroy me, then. And if you don't, then I'm not going to believe a single threat you make from now on. Of course, if I'm dead, then I can't tell you where the other ones went then. You need to keep this place down here a secret, don't you? Never start with your final sanction. You've got nowhere to go but backwards."
"Humans feel pain."
"Ah. Bigger threat to smaller threat. See what I mean? Backwards."
"The information can be extracted by means of your suffering."
"Are you trying to scare me? Well, cos I'm already bloody terrified of dying. And I'll endure a lot of pain for a very long time before I give up the information that's keeping me alive. How long have you got?" Clara asked, as the clockwork whirs, then the Half-Face Man stands up. "All you can offer me is my life. What you can't do is threaten it. You can negotiate." The Half-Face Man removes his big right hand and clamps it onto his lapel. "Okay, okay, okay. Okay, yes, yes, yes, I'm crying and it's just because I am very frightened of you. If you know anything about human beings, that means you, you're in a lot trouble."
The robot has a flame-thrower where his hand was, ready to go.
"We will not negotiate." The Half-Face Man said.
"You don't have a choice. I tell you what. I'll answer your questions if you answer mine." Clara said.
"We will not answer questions."
"We'll take turns. I'll go first. Why did you kill the dinosaur?"
"We will not answer questions."
"Why'd you kill the dinosaur?"
"We will not answer questions!" The Half-Face Man said, angrily.
"Then you might as well kill me, because I'm not talking again till you do." Clara said, crossing her arms.
"Within the optic nerve of the dinosaur is material of use to our computer systems."
"You burned a whole dinosaur for a spare part? No. No, hang on. You know what's in a dinosaur's optic nerve, which means you've seen them before."
"Where are the other ones?"
"How long have you been rebuilding yourselves? Look at the state of you. Is there any real you left? What's the point?"
"We will reach the promised land."
"The what? The promised land? What's that?" Clara asked.
"Where are the other ones?" The Half-Face Man asked.
"I don't know. But I know where they will be. Where they will always be. If the Doctor is still the Doctor, he and Jared will have my back." Clara said, reaching behind her. "I'm right, aren't I? Go on. Please, please, go on, say I'm right."
Two hands grab hers and pull her back. Then the bald robots remove the skins from their faces.
(Jared's POV)
"Ah. Hello, hello, rubbish robots from the dawn of time. Thank you for all the gratuitous information. Five foot one and crying. You never stood a chance. Stop it." The Doctor said, pulling the flame-thrower arm down and puts his sonic screwdriver into the recharger in the chair. The lights go out. "This is your power source. And feeble though it is, I can use it to blow this whole room if I see one thing that I don't like. And that includes karaoke and mime, so take no chances. See, Clara? That's how you disguise yourself as a droid."
"Yeah, well, I didn't have a lot of time. I'd been suddenly abandoned." Clara said, annoyed.
"Yeah, sorry. Well no, actually, I'm not. You're brilliant on adrenaline. And you were out of your depth, sir. Never try and control a control freak."
"I am not a control freak!" Clara said, angrily.
"Yes, ma'am."
"Oh."
"Yup. You are such a control freak." I said, laughing a lot.
"Why are the two of you here?" The Half-Face Man asked.
"Why did you invite us? The message, in the paper. That was you, wasn't it?" The Doctor asked.
"It wasn't them, Doctor." I said, grabbing Clara's hand. "I know who did. And they terrify me."
"Oh." The Doctor said, taking back his screwdriver. "I hate being wrong in public. Everybody forget that happened. Clara, Jared, say the word."
"What word?" Clara asked.
"They never sent either of you in here without a word." The Doctor said.
"I don't want to say it. Jared, it's something you would say with Team RWBY." Clara said, looking at me.
"I know. I loved that moment though." I said, happily.
"I've guessed already." The Doctor said, smirking.
Clara touches her top button, which glows bright blue.
"Banzai." The Doctor, Clara, and I said, at the same time.
"I really loved that moment so much. When Team RWBY was decorating their bedroom at Beacon." I said, squeezing Clara's hand.
Two ladies in tight leather catsuits descend from the ceiling by means of long pieces of fabric wrapped around their waists, then pull large swords from the scabbard on their backs.
"Remain still, and lay down your weapons in the name of the British Empire." Vastra said.
"Argh." Strax said.
Their short but robust companion didn't have fabric long enough. He just falls to the floor with his honking great gun.
"Strax." Vastra said.
"Sorry." Strax said.
"I've told you before. Take the stairs." Jenny said, looking at Strax.
"Oh, look. The cavalry. I may not have Sherlock Holmes and John Watson. But Madame Vastra, Jenny Flint, and Strax are just as good!" I said, excitedly.
"I burned an ancient, beautiful creature for one inch of optic nerve. What do you think you can accomplish, little men?" The Half-Face Man asked, looking between the Doctor and I.
"What do you...? Vastra?" The Doctor asked.
Vastra blocks the flame-thrower with her sword, "The establishment upstairs has been disabled with maximum prejudice, and the authorities summoned."
"Hang on, she called the police? We never do that. We should start." Clara said, sadly.
"We should. But only when things are so bad." I said, frowning.
"You see? Destroy us if you will, they're still going to close your restaurant. That was going to sound better." The Doctor said.
"Then we will destroy you." The Half-Face Man said.
All the robots have swords for arms.
"No, you won't. You're logical. You have restraint. You killed to survive. You're not a murderer." The Doctor said.
"He's not a murder? You're kidding, right? This is a slaughterhouse!" I said, angrily.
"And how does that make it different from any other restaurant? You weren't vegetarian the last time I checked. This is over. Killing us won't change that. What would be the point?" The Doctor asked.
"To find the promised land." The Half-Face Man said.
"You're millions of years old. It's time you knew, there isn't one."
"I am in search of paradise."
"Yeah, well, me too. I'm not going to make it either." The Doctor said.
The Half-Face Man knocks the Doctor down.
"Doctor!" Clara said, worried.
"I will leave in the escape capsule. Destroy where necessary." The Half-Face Man said.
"Escape capsule? This ship is millions of years old. It'll never fly." Vastra said.
"It has been repaired."
"What with?" Clara asked.
"You." The Half-Face Man said.
"Defensive positions, everyone." Strax said.
"Doctor. He's getting away. Meet him in the restaurant." I said, squeezing Clara's hand.
The Half-Face Man goes up on the bench seat while the rest of the robots encircle us, "Your friend is intelligent. He'll know better than to follow me."
The Doctor is holding on to a convenient brass handle on the underside of the seat.
(Open POV)
Outside Mancini's...
Gregson has brought two uniformed policemen with him.
"Right, here we are. This is the place. Come with me." Gregson said, entering the building.
Spaceship...
"It is our intent to leave. If it is your intent to stop us, perhaps we should get down to business." Vastra said.
Mancini's...
Overturned tables and deactivated robots.
"Dear Lord, what has she landed us with this time?" Gregson asked.
The Half-Face Man arrives on the bench seat and stands up, "The restaurant is closed."
Outside Mancini's...
"Keep everyone out. No one goes in there." Gregson said.
Mancini's...
The Doctor pours two glasses of whiskey.
"What are you doing?" The Half-Face Man asked.
"I've got the horrible feeling I'm going to have to kill you. I thought you might appreciate a drink first. I know I would." The Doctor said.
The Half-Face Man turns back to the control panel in the wall and pulls down a small lever. There is a grinding sound.
Outside Mancini's...
The roof opens.
"Watch out." Gregson said.
Mancini's...
"Fifty first century, right? Time travelling spaceship crashed in the past. You're trying to get home the long way round." The Doctor said.
"I go to the promised land." The Half-Face Man said.
"So you keep saying. Okay, so your restaurant is made out of your old ship. But you're wasting your time. It can't ever fly." The Doctor said, picking up a posy that had been on a table.
"The escape pod is viable."
"How? You can't patch up a spaceship with human remains. You know, this really is ringing a bell." The Doctor said, and the room shakes. "Okay, that's clever. How are you powering it?"
"Skin."
Outside Mancini's...
A giant pink balloon rises out of the building.
"Get to the station. We need more men." Gregson said.
"What shall I tell them is happening?" A policeman asked.
"Go!"
Spaceship...
"How many do you estimate, my dear?" Vastra asked.
"More than upstairs. About twenty, thirty?" Jenny asked.
"The ones upstairs were mere decoys. These are battle ready. I anticipate a challenge."
"Don't worry, my boy, my girl, we shall die in glory." Strax said, happily.
"Okay. Good-o." Clara said, squeezing Jared's hand.
"That's great..." Jared said, rolling his eyes.
Mancini's...
The escape pod is the main room of the restaurant, carried aloft by the pink balloon.
The Doctor removes a fuse from the board and reads the inscription, "SS Marie Antoinette. Out of control repair droids cannibalising human beings. I know that this is familiar, but I just can't seem to place it."
"How would you kill me?" The Half-Face Man asked.
"Sister ship of the Madame De Pompadour. No, not getting it." The Doctor said, sniffing the posy then throws it aside.
"How would you kill me?"
"Why don't you have a drink first? It's only human."
"I am not human." The Half-Face Man said.
"Neither am I." The Doctor said, smirking.
Spaceship...
"Why can't you stay dead, coward?" Strax asked.
"Shit." Jared said, when the robots keep getting back up. "This isn't good."
Mancini's...
The balloon and its gondola float over Saint Paul's Cathedral.
"What do you think of the view?" The Doctor asked.
"I do not think of it." The Half-Face Man said.
"I don't think of it. I don't. Droids and apostrophes, I could write a book. Except you are barely a droid any more. There's more human in you than machine. So tell me, what do you think of the view?"
The Half-Face Man gets up and draws back the net curtain. They are heading towards Westminster.
"It is beautiful." The Half-Face Man said.
"No, it isn't. It's just far away. Everything looks too small. I prefer it down there. Everything is huge. Everything is so important. Every detail, every moment, every life clung to." The Doctor said.
"How could you kill me?"
"For the same reason that you're asking me that question, because you don't really want to carry on. What'll happen to the other droids when you die? You're the control node, aren't you? Presumably they'll deactivate."
"I will not die. I will reach the promised land."
"There isn't any promised land. This is just. It's a superstition that you have picked up from all the humanity you've stuffed inside yourself."
"I am not dead." The Half-Face Man said.
"You are a broom. Question. You take a broom, you replace the handle, and then later you replace the brush, and you do that over and over again. Is it still the same broom? Answer? No, of course it isn't. But you can still sweep the floor. Which is not strictly relevant, skip that last part. You have replaced every piece of yourself, mechanical and organic, time and time again. There's not a trace of the original you left. You probably can't even remember where you got that face from." The Doctor said, holding up a silver plate between himself and the Half-Face Man.
The droid takes it, looks carefully, then drops it.
"It cannot end." The Half-Face Man said.
"It has to. You know it does. And there's only one way out." The Doctor said, opening the doors.
"Self-destruction is against my basic programme."
"And murder is against mine."
They struggle in the doorway.
Spaceship...
The women's arms and Jared's arms are held firmly by the droids, and Vastra's sword is forced from her hands.
"Jenny!" Vastra said, terrified.
"Crap." Jared said, while sword points are at everyone's throats.
"Hold your breath. They're stupid. Everybody hold their breath." Clara said, looking at Jared, Jenny, Vastra, and Strax.
They do. The droids pause then lower their weapons. Clara picks up the sonic screwdriver and crawls through the droid's legs on her hands and knees.
"Be brave, my love. I can store oxygen in my lungs. Share with me." Vastra said, as she and Jenny locked lips.
Clara sonicks the door.
Mancini's...
"You are stronger than you look." The Half-Face Man said.
"And I'm hoping you are too. This is over. Are you capable of admitting that?" The Doctor asked.
"Do you have it in you to murder me?"
"Those people down there. They're never small to me. Don't make assumptions about how far I will go to protect them, because I've already come a very long way. And unlike you, I don't expect to reach the promised land." The Doctor said, and the Half-Face Man turns off his flame thrower with the two releasing each other. "You realise, of course, one of us is lying about our basic programming."
"Yes."
"And I think we both know who that is."
Spaceship...
Strax is about to fire his weapon before he passes out.
"Stop." Vastra said.
They all breathe. Clara can't get the screwdriver to work for her. As the sword tips are about to pierce their skin, the droids suddenly bend forward at the waist, deactivated. Clara, Jenny, and Jared faint. A top hat falls past a giant clock face at twenty five past one. A droid is impaled on the cross at the top of the tower. The Doctor looks straight at the droid.
Courtyard...
Strax drives the women and Jared home in the carriage, "Whoa."
"You're sure he'd come back here?" Jenny asked.
"There's no trace of him in the wreckage. They searched all Parliament Hill. Where else would he go?" Vastra asked.
"Damn." Jared said, when there is a square space in the straw where the Tardis had stood.
"I fear we have missed him." Vastra said, looking between Clara and Jared.
(Jared's POV)
Vastra's chamber...
"Both of you. Please come in." Vastra said, happily.
Clara is back in her mini-kilt and I am back in my Gawr Gura hoodie and jeans.
"We're not interrupting?" Clara asked.
"I should be glad of your company. What can I do for the two of you?" Vastra asked.
"Ah, well, that's exactly what we were going to ask you. Seems like we're stuck here now. Got a vacancy?" Clara asked.
"You would be very welcome to join our little household, but I have it on the highest authority that the Doctor will be returning for you both very soon."
"Whose authority?"
"Well, the people who know him best in all the universe." Vastra said, smiling.
"And who's that?"
"Miss Clara Oswald and Mister Jared Shay. Who perhaps has, by instinct, already dressed to leave."
"I just wanted a change of clothes. I don't think I know who the Doctor is any more."
"Well, you're very wrong about that, my Impossible Girl." I said, while we hear the sound of an ancient set of time rotors outside.
"Jared's right, Clara. Clara? Jared? Give him hell. Give the Doctor hell. He'll always need it." Vastra said, looking between Clara and I.
Tardis...
The dinosaur sputum has gone from the outside.
"You've redecorated." Clara said.
"Yes." The Doctor said.
"I don't like it."
"I love it." I said, looking at the nice straight-forward console, a frieze of roundels on the wall and a high-backed chair for the Doctor. There is even a bookcase. "Feels more homey and alive, Doctor."
"Not completely entirely convinced myself. I think there should be more round things on the walls. I used to have lots of round things. I wonder where I put them?" The Doctor asked, getting off the chair and walking down the stairs towards Clara. "I'm the Doctor. I've lived for over two thousand years, while Jared has been living for over a thousand years, and not all of them were good. I've made many mistakes, Jared has also made many mistakes, and it's about time that I did something about that. Clara, I'm not your boyfriend."
"I never thought you were." Clara said, frowning.
"I never said it was your mistake." The Doctor said, setting the Tardis flying, then showing off the red silk lining of his dark blue Crombie coat with Doc Marten shoes. "What do you think?"
"Love it. Gives you more of the magician feel. And the red and black color scheme. Was it inspired by Ruby Rose?" I asked, walking towards the Doctor.
"Perhaps."
"Who put that advert in the paper?" Clara asked.
"Clara? Who gave you my number? A long time ago, remember? You were given the number of a computer helpline, and you ended up phoning the Tardis. Who gave you that number?" The Doctor asked.
"The woman. The woman in the shop."
"Then there's a woman out there who's very keen that we stay together." The Doctor said, as the Tardis lands. Sadly, the time rotor does not go up and down. "How do you feel on the subject?"
"Am I home?" Clara asked.
"Only if you want to be." I said, happily.
"I'm sorry. I'm, I'm so, so sorry, Doctor. But I don't think I know who you are any more. I still know Jared, since he didn't change at all." Clara said, and her mobile phone rings.
"You'd better get that. It might be one of your boyfriends." The Doctor said, smirking.
"Shut up. I don't have a boyfriend." Clara said, going outside to answer the call.
City street...
"Hello? Hello?" Clara asked, her phone near her ear.
"It's us." Past me said, over the phone.
"Yes, it's you. I know it's you, Jared. But what do you mean by us?"
"It's me, Clara. The Doctor. I'm here with Jared." The 11th Doctor said, through the phone's speaker.
"What do you mean, the Doctor?" Clara asked.
Trenzalore / City street...
"Clara, we're phoning you from Trenzalore." Past me said, through the phone's speaker.
"I don't..." Clara said, sadly.
"From before I changed. I mean it's all still to happen for me. It's coming. Oh, it's a-coming." The 11th Doctor said, through the phone's speaker.
Back then, Clara replaced the Tardis police phone back on its hook with Team RWBY behind her.
"Not long now. I can feel it." The 11th Doctor said.
"Why? Why would both of you do this?" Clara asked.
"Because I think it's going to be a whopper, Jared knows it's going to be a whopper, and I think you might be scared. And however scared you are, Clara, the man you and Jared are with right now, the man we hope you are with, believe me, he is more scared than anything you can imagine right now and he, he needs you."
"He does need you, Clara. He seriously needs you. I have gone through the missing of my Raggedy Man ages ago." Past me said, happily.
"So who is it?" The Doctor asked.
"Who are you talking to?" I asked.
"Is that the Doctor and Jared?" The 11th Doctor asked.
"Is that the Doctor and Jared?" The Doctor asked.
"Yes." Clara said, sadly.
"He sounds old. My future self sounds old. Please tell me I didn't get old. Anything but old. I was young. Oh, is he grey?" The 11th Doctor asked.
"Yes."
"Clara, please, hey, for me, help him. Like I know Jared will help him." The 11th Doctor said.
"I know I will help him. He's still you, Raggedy Man. It took me time to accept that you years ago. It took me a bit longer this time around due to actually experiencing it in person." Past me said, happily.
"I know, Jared. You are a sentimental idiot over us. Go on. Clara. And don't be afraid. Goodbye, Clara. Miss ya." The 11th Doctor said, looking at past me.
City street...
Clara is sniffling.
"Well?" The Doctor asked.
"Well what?" Clara asked.
"He asked you a question. Will you help me? I know Jared will help me, and he has been helping whenever he can." The Doctor said.
"You shouldn't have been listening." Clara said, frowning.
"I wasn't. I didn't need to. That was me talking next to Jared. You can't see me, can you? You look at me, and you can't see me. Only Jared has been able to see me. Have you any idea what that's like? I'm not on the phone, I'm right here, standing in front of you. Please, just, just see me." The Doctor said.
"I do see you, Doctor. You're still my best friend." I said, while Clara walks forward and studies the Doctor's face carefully. "How could I not see you? After everything we've been through together."
"Thank you, Jared. At least you can see me."
Clara smiles a little, "Thank you. Both of you."
"For what?" The Doctor asked.
"Phoning." Clara said, throwing her arms around the Doctor's neck and my neck.
"I, I don't think that I'm a hugging person now." The Doctor said, sadly.
"I'm not sure you get a vote."
"Whatever you say."
"This isn't my home, by the way." Clara said, letting go of the Doctor and I.
"Sorry. I'm sorry about that. I missed." The Doctor said.
"Where are we?"
"We're in Glasgow!" I said, excitedly. "Not London or Cardiff."
"Ah. Doctor, you'll fit right in." Clara said, imitating a Scottish accent. "Scottish."
"Right. Shall we, er. Do you two want to go and get some coffee, or chips, or something? Or chips and coffee?" The Doctor asked.
"Coffee. Coffee would be great. Doctor, you're buying." Clara said, happily.
"You seriously are. I want a mocha. A frappuccino or a cappuccino would be nice." I said, smiling.
"I don't have any money." The Doctor said, looking between Clara and I.
"You're fetching, then." Clara said.
"I'm not sure that I'm the fetching sort."
"Yeah, still not sure you get a vote."
(Open POV)
Garden...
The Half-Face man wakes in a place where the wisteria is in full bloom. He puts on his top hat. A woman in Edwardian costume is sitting on the edge of the fountain. She is the Gatekeeper of the Nethersphere.
"Hello. I'm Missy. You made it. I hope my boyfriend wasn't too mean to you." Missy said.
"Boy friend?" The Half-Face Man asked.
"Now, did he push you out of that thing, or did you fall? Couldn't really tell. He can be very mean sometimes. His best friend can be mean to people he doesn't trust. Except to me, of course, because he loves me so much. I do like my boyfriend's new accent, though. Think I might keep it."
"Where am I?"
"Where do you think you are? Look around you. You made it. The promised land. Paradise. Welcome to heaven." Missy said, snapping her teeth together and dances around the water feature.