Chapter 1
1: Vulgarities and Atrocities
December 23. Wednesday
You are joyfully invited to celebrate the marriage of
Jonah Mitchell Icicle
and
Sandy Michael Keye
on the twenty-fifth of December, two thousand twenty
at half past four in the afternoon
120 Chapel Road—Cutter Church—Channing, Pa
Reception to follow at The Golden Mongoose
* * * *
“The invite is fucking pink…Fucking pink, Jonah!” Sandy snaps, complaining to his fiancé. The three-bond paper sits face-up on the kitchen table. A coffee ring stains one corner. “We both know it’s supposed to be gold lettering on white. What the fuck was Cookie Coke thinking?”
Jonah Icicle’s fiancé just turned thirty-eight this year, and he’s never seen him so pissed. They’ve been lovers for over two years now and Sandy can’t wait to get married; neither can Jonah, if the truth needs to be told. Jesus, he is such a beautiful man, Jonah thinks, looking from the invitation to Sandy. Drop dead stunning. Blond hair with a close beard of the same hue. Fairy tale blue eyes. A Pumps Gym body. Handsome and mature are the understatements of the year to describe him. A total sweetheart for all the right reasons; one of the main reasons Jonah agreed to his proposal back in July during an Independence Day party.
“Calm down. We just drove two hours from Pittsburgh. You’re tired from the trip. What’s done is done,” Jonah says, kisses Sandy on his neck, and swirls a palm on the center of his back, attempting to calm his nutcracker of the season down. “Were getting married the day after tomorrow. The guests have had the invites since the end of July.”
In a panic, Sandy rattles off like a spastic cheerleader in high school, “We should call the wedding off! Let’s pack our bags and go back Pittsburgh! Home calls for us. It’s our safety. This is going to be a nightmare. We can go to the JP and get married. All of this is bullshit! Just bullshit!”
They live together now in Sandy’s townhouse on Cantell Road in Rossner Township, south of Pittsburgh. The place is small, comfy for two, and affordable. Sandy still travels a lot, not that Jonah minds. His job lets him see and visit the coldest places on Earth as an environmental scientist. Sandy works for RIES, which is Rowan Independent Environment Studies. He knows everything about melting ice caps, climate change, and the depletion of the ozone layer. Recently, Jonah’s sold his Cape Cod to a young queer couple who are trying to adopt a Chinese baby. The money earned from the sale is going to the wedding: church, flowers, tuxes, cake, food, and all the intricate details that make up a grand few hours that the two of them will remember for the rest of their lives.
Jonah calms Sandy down with more palm-swirling to his back. “Hush. We’re not going home. We’re here in Channing for the next few days. Our friends and families expect us to get married. Bottom line: we’re stuck. No matter how we look at it. Take a deep breath. Relax. Find some Zen. And remember that we’re in this together.”
At thirty-nine, Jonah knows how to handle his lover and future husband in situations like this. Sometimes it takes a little bit of talk and a lot of soothing, but it gets the job done. Jonah wonders how Sandy struggles through these dramas when he works in the Arctic as Jonah flies all over the world and creates slice-of-life articles for an e-magazine called AmericanLives, Sandy is on his emotional own. Recent trips have taken Jonah to Median, Idaho to see/write about one of the world’s largest potatoes. Recently he’s traveled to Mexico City to visit a boy who can read one’s mind, and to Nova Scotia to a goat farm where a community believes they have seen the Virgin Mary. How exactly does Sandy handle breakdowns when Jonah (making a living and working his ass off) wanders the world doing his job? Jonah will never know or begin to understand.
Pam, Jonah’s mother, enters the kitchen from the left, through the dining room. The eye-rolling matriarch of the Icicles loses her balance and almost falls to the floor. Thank God the doorframe between the kitchen and the dining room saves her from a tumble. She’s short, spry, and a wild woman. She’s vulgar, a hardcore Republican who loves Trump, his vulgar behavior, and finds his impeachment an atrocity. Pam will say anything that’s on her mind, uncensored. The woman is officious, invading, and she doesn’t have much couth. Her daughter, Willa, considers her venomous, and one who struggles with power issues. Power over Bill, her husband, power over Willa, her only daughter, and power over Jonah; the reason why he lives in Pittsburgh, two hours away, providing himself space from her unkind endeavors.